Does anyone else hate this?

[piccgeek]

Does anyone else have someone in their life who they love very very much, but the next time they sweetly inquire "how's the application coming? Heard anything back yet?" you think you might hit them over the head with a frying pan?

In my case, this is my grandmother. I love the woman more than anyone on Earth. But she's just so damned confident in me, and while that seems like it should be reassuring, it's actually frustrating. She refuses to admit that the fact that I got rejected from 6 schools last year justifies my anxiety about my current application in process. She asks about a bazillion questions about the program that I can't answer, and she the proceeds to explain what the logical answers would be (like anything about this process or academia in general is actually logical...re: everything in the thread about things in the app process that really bother you.) The thing is, the application is dominating my mind, and I want to talk about it, but I feel like my grandmother just doesn't get it, and so talking about it with her just makes me nuts.

Is anybody else having this issue with overconfident and enthusiastic parents/friends/relatives/SOs?

Edited January 9, 2010 by piccgeek

[JustChill]

I've come to expect this from my parents, especially my mom, but what drives me crazy is when my friends just brush me off with "oh stop it, we all know you're gonna get into the best schools." Every time I make the mistake of saying something about my grad school applications, they act like I'm just kidding around and it's a done deal.

[Caligula]

I have a similar experience, it seems, as rockchalk. Hardly any one my friends are also applying to Ph.D. programs, and they have no idea how hard it is to get in. They assume that graduate school admissions are similar to college admissions - great grades and scores will get you in. So it does irk me when they suggest over and over again that I will surely get in. And then I feel guilty for feeling irked because I know they are just being supportive!

[Dr._Robotnik's_Shadow]

Ditto to everything everyone said.

I guess we have to keep in mind that people don't understand us but they are trying to be supportive. They probably don't know what to say since they've never done it themselves. They know it's important to us so they feel like they should ask or make conversation or something. If you don't get in they probably won't be disappointed IN us but FOR us. They are scared that if they tried they would never make it. They probably admire you for trying and putting yourself out there.

I try not to tell anyone I'm applying. I vent out all my frustrations on grad cafe forums like this. If anyone asks me I confidently and positively say "It's personal" or whatever and change the subject to them some how.

[Sparky]

Oooh. Allow me to rant for a moment.

YES I hate this. With a bloody burning passion.

I do not want to hear, "You're smart; of course you'll get in!" I want to hear, I need to hear, "Even if you don't get in anywhere, you're not stupid. You're not a bad person." I have been telling people OUTRIGHT that this is what I need to hear. Their response? Invariably, "But you're smart! Of course you'll get in!"

(Hehe, wow, I was totally pounding the keyboard with that. This apparently upsets me more than I previously thought).

[coyabean]

I love my mother like a kid loves cake, but YES to all of your questions! Even after explaining the odds and how it all works she, a very smart woman in her own right, seems to only hear every other word I say. So, when I say "I am so anxious about getting an acceptance because I'm ready to start my life" she hears "I am getting an acceptance that will ready me for life."

No.

What i want is ONE person in my life with whom I can commiserate over all of the details and minutiae of this process. I want someone to agree that if I met a school's ridiculous Nov 1st deadline that someone could have made a damn decision by Jan. 8. I want someone to comb the internet with and agree that its almost a lost cause. I want someone to roll around in the muck with me.

My mother loves me. She says I am the smartest person she knows. She thinks I can just sashay into a school, pick a program and start next month -- preferably at a school close to home.

She doesn't get that I'll probably embark upon one of many moves to anywhere in the country that someone wants me. She also says things like "oh you can get a job at the local State Uni!" like its a bagel shop. Forget they are a research II and have nothing in my field or anything close to my interests.

[johndiligent]

I've said this before in the chat, but I'd love for someone in my family to take an interest in my applications. Instead, if I mention it, their eyes glaze over, and they just kind of stroke off. Typical conversation about apps in the Diligent household:

JOHN: What's new, Ma?

MA DILIGENT: Guess what Rob Thomas tweeted today? ....(insert spiel about Rob Thomas' kid or something). And what's new with you?

JOHN: Well, I've been trying to get in touch with one of my recommenders for grad school but he's not answer----

MA DILIGENT: (upon hearing the words "grad school", she immediately turns back to her computer). Oh, guess what Howie Mandel just tweeted?!

[mastermind1886]

OMG I KNOW.

Same story when I was applying for jobs last year - people would ask and I'd be like well, the economy's gone to hell, still looking... and they'd be like OH YOU'RE GREAT YOU'LL DEFINITELY FIND SOMETHING SOON. And I'd be like no, the economy's terrible. Don't you get this search at all? You don't understand the process! It's a different game than anything you've played before!

Nobody gets the game but people going through it...

[melusine]

aww- i sympathize with you guys!

luckily, my parents are both very understanding and intimately familiar with the various horrors of application proceedings.. they both have fine arts and architecture diplomas from the Soviet Union which, while technically phds in russia, have been "recognized" as master's degrees in the western world.

so yes, the worst i can expect from either of them at this point is a slap on the neck whenever i mention grad school, as a friendly reminder to "chill the h*ll out until february!"

[grad_wannabe]

@ JohnDiligent - wow, that's a bummer. I can't imagine my mom being more into whatever the hell matchbox 20 is tweeting than my applications.

I have a similar frustration with the confidence of my friends in my applications. My best friend moved to San Francisco last fall, where we have another mutual best friend. We call ourselves the Posse. My back-up plan, if I don't get into any schools, is to move up to the Bay Area so we can have adventures (at his insistence and kinda constant "move up here!" pestering). As the process has gone on, I've shared with him both the good and bad news any time anything happened with an application - every rec letter, every meeting. He's become convinced that I'll get in somewhere and won't move to SF.

Our conversations are getting kinda weirdly bummed out.

Me: "How's your room mate?"

Him: "Eh, he has to work a lot. His friends are cool, though, you would like them. They're our kind of people."

Me: "Oh, nice! If I don't get accepted anywhere and move up there, I'm gonna need some friends! Find some good people for me."

Him: (in a sad, downtrodden tone) "No, you're going to get in somewhere. I know it. You're never going to move up here. (sigh)"

Me: "Dude, 3 of the departments I applied to accept less than 10 people a year. A YEAR! I really probably won't get in anywhere."

Him: (shaking his head) "Don't you get it? You're one of those people. You're meant to be. I just know it."

Me: "AARRGHGH!"

[madhousefluent]

In agreement with everyone here! I don't know anyone else in real life applying to PhD programs (I'm currently in Canada, where most people get an MA in English Lit first), so the you're-smart-you'll-get-in refrain is constant. To the point that, when one of my professors e-mailed me as kindly as possible to point out that all the places I'm applying to are extremely competitive, and I might not get in, my immediate reaction was of profound relief. Somebody gets it. Even if it's only the people who have already made it...

[Serric]

In agreement with everyone here! I don't know anyone else in real life applying to PhD programs (I'm currently in Canada, where most people get an MA in English Lit first), so the you're-smart-you'll-get-in refrain is constant. To the point that, when one of my professors e-mailed me as kindly as possible to point out that all the places I'm applying to are extremely competitive, and I might not get in, my immediate reaction was of profound relief. Somebody gets it. Even if it's only the people who have already made it...

I agree in that most of my friends, and all of my family, are supportive to a fault. I love my dad, he's intelligent as hell and passionate about learning (he would have gone on to do a B.A. (and probably graduate) degree in History if my parents hadn't divorced), but I was actually happy when I got the rejection letter from UW Madison: it was closer to the bottom of my list, and it was finally enough to convince him that getting into a PhD program is more difficult than he thought. (He'd previously been saying how he knew I was going to get acceptances at all ten schools I'd applied to; but he still thinks I'm going to go 8 acceptances and 2 rejections)

Funnily enough, only my current girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend understand what I'm going through. My ex was a chem eng. MS student, and knows what admissions are like this year; my current girlfriend's applying to vet school next year, so she knows very well how difficult admissions can be. It's nice to be able to bitch and have somebody not only understand, but bitch right back about feeling like she should start her SOP already.

[BCHistory]

I've come to expect this from my parents, especially my mom, but what drives me crazy is when my friends just brush me off with "oh stop it, we all know you're gonna get into the best schools." Every time I make the mistake of saying something about my grad school applications, they act like I'm just kidding around and it's a done deal.

I'm going through exactly the same thing with my parents and friends. But they mean well and care very much about our futures, so I guess we'll have to put up with it for a few more months.

[gildedProgressive]

Hate this. I have run out of people to complain to. My stepmom keeps talking about "When you go to school, you can do this," and I always have to correct her, saying, "IF I go to school." I'm taking a class from one of my LOR writers, and the first night of class, he asks, "Have you gotten any word?" Now, he knows GOOD and WELL that I haven't heard anything back. One of my other LOR writers (former instructor/present supervisor) has been probably the only one who will consider both sides of the coin. I'm just ready for April--I've been counting down since 143 days til the 15.