Feeling guilty about declining my offer?

[Evie95]

I got an offer a couple of days ago from the school that my previous advisor currently works at. She and her husband (a professor whom I've also been working with from a different university) have been great mentors, and I would love to continue to work with them. She informally told me that I need to make my decision within 2 weeks of acceptance. Although a little upset about not knowing the results from the other schools I applied to, I was going to accept the offer. However, I just got invited to the pre-admit visit weekend in March from my dream school. Even though there's a chance I might not get into my dream school, I want to at least attend the visit weekend. I'm feeling extremely guilty about it, because I know my success is largely due to my experience working with them and their great recommendation letters. Any advice on how to break the news to my old advisor and her husband? 

[Icecream]

Why within 2 weeks?  Is the school not part of the consortium that gives you until April 15 to decide?  If you can, I'd just say that you'd like to see all your offers before you decide (this is normal...)

[DBear]

You shouldn't feel too guilty, though I'd probably feel that way too if I were in your situation. Since they wrote your recommendation letters, it's not like they're being blind sided. If anything, since you have a long relationship with them, you could maybe phrase it like you're including them in your decision process. Ask them what they think about Program X, and since you've been invited to the event, what they think about you attending, and would it be possible to wait a bit longer than 2 weeks. I find that if it's phrased like you are asking for their advice or help, it works better than saying hey, this is what I'm going to do. 

[Evie95]

3 hours ago, JJCA said:

Why within 2 weeks?  Is the school not part of the consortium that gives you until April 15 to decide?  If you can, I'd just say that you'd like to see all your offers before you decide (this is normal...)

The official offer states that the deadline is April 15th, but my old advisor called and told me that I need to make the decision within two weeks. I've asked other professors about it, and they said it's pretty common, since schools want to admit other students off the waitlist if I decline. I'm just afraid I will burn the bridge if I argue the CGS resolution.

[DBear]

I would definitely NOT argue the CGS resolution. Citing things like that (however non-binding they may be) sounds like one is picking a fight.

I would, however, tell them you really want to tell them ASAP, but would like to also attend that visit you were invited to. Your professor probably said 2 weeks because you have an existing relationship and I'm thinking it may be their way of saying let us know ASAP - but may not necessarily be exactly two weeks. Since you have an existing relationship, I'd suggest you talk it out with them honestly. Either way, they're going to continue to be part of your academic career, so better to talk it through maturely and professionally. 

[Evie95]

3 hours ago, DBear said:

You shouldn't feel too guilty, though I'd probably feel that way too if I were in your situation. Since they wrote your recommendation letters, it's not like they're being blind sided. If anything, since you have a long relationship with them, you could maybe phrase it like you're including them in your decision process. Ask them what they think about Program X, and since you've been invited to the event, what they think about you attending, and would it be possible to wait a bit longer than 2 weeks. I find that if it's phrased like you are asking for their advice or help, it works better than saying hey, this is what I'm going to do. 

Thank you so much for your advice! When I tried to do so in the past, she kept saying things like "School X is not that much better than our school", which made me feel even more pressured. Back in October, she asked me to complete my entire application within a week. Because it was three months before the deadline, I thought they were going to give me an early decision. I wouldn't have applied to other schools if that was the case. Yet they kept me waiting anxiously for four months, and once they gave me the offer, they somehow assumed that I was going for sure, with the international student office contacting me about visa and stuff (I'm an international student). I don't know if I gave them the impression that I was definitely going to accept their offer, but I've never explicitly stated that I'll go. Today I received two emails from faculty members, and one email from a current grad student at that school, asking me whether I had any questions. They even said if it comes down to money, they can always help me apply for fellowships/scholarships (the funding was $8000 short from what I expected, probably due to miscommunication). All the pressure and extreme kindness are driving me crazy. 

Sorry for vent...

[DBear]

@Evangeline95  That does sound stressful - having to manage your current program with the new one.. trying to be diplomatic at the same time.. 

With the details you've given, I'm really not sure what the best way to deal with this is.. but I would say that I wouldn't give up on my dream school if I were you. I would try and be as polite and diplomatic as possible with my current school as humanly possible and try to ask for more time, but I would still try and see if I could get into my dream school.

Best of luck!!!

[Evie95]

@DBear Thank you so much! And I wish the best of luck to you too! I'm going to escape to the world of Kpop now...

[shur42]

34 minutes ago, Evangeline95 said:

Thank you so much for your advice! When I tried to do so in the past, she kept saying things like "School X is not that much better than our school", which made me feel even more pressured. Back in October, she asked me to complete my entire application within a week. Because it was three months before the deadline, I thought they were going to give me an early decision. I wouldn't have applied to other schools if that was the case. Yet they kept me waiting anxiously for four months, and once they gave me the offer, they somehow assumed that I was going for sure, with the international student office contacting me about visa and stuff (I'm an international student). I don't know if I gave them the impression that I was definitely going to accept their offer, but I've never explicitly stated that I'll go. Today I received two emails from faculty members, and one email from a current grad student at that school, asking me whether I had any questions. They even said if it comes down to money, they can always help me apply for fellowships/scholarships (the funding was $8000 short from what I expected, probably due to miscommunication). All the pressure and extreme kindness are driving me crazy. 

Sorry for vent...

However cynical this might sound, I feel that they are pressuring you so much because they think that you're really good, and that other schools, including X, will share their opinion. So of course it's in their best interest to make you decide sooner rather than later!

[ArtemisDane]

4 hours ago, JJCA said:

Why within 2 weeks?  Is the school not part of the consortium that gives you until April 15 to decide?  If you can, I'd just say that you'd like to see all your offers before you decide (this is normal...)

In all likelihood, it's not the school that's doing the admitting - it's the professor.

Schools often have research professors who neither advise students nor teach.  They have no direct interaction with anyone outside their lab.  So they can't just pluck students from the cohort like other professors.  As a result, when they need graduate students they tend to recruit them directly and put them to work immediately as research assistants.  This can be both good and bad for the student.  If it works out, it tends to be great since you've got a professor invested in your success from day one.  However, if you start to have issues, you're locked into that professor more than ordinarily be.

However, from the professor's standpoint, they can't wait around until April 15th to potentially get a 'no' because they won't have any time to recruit someone else.

It's actually a difficult situation for everyone.  The professor doing the recruiting is probably a rock star researcher at the school - they keep them around despite the fact that they don't involve themselves in teaching or departmental politics because they're so good at bringing in the grant money.  The applicants they pick are usually the cream of the crop from the applications - which means those students normally have applications (with a good shot of success) at much better schools.  The professor needs to know immediately whether they should look elsewhere while the student has to consider whether the potential upside is worth hitching their wagon to this guy they barely know at a school that is (probably) much less prestigious than their other options.

[Evie95]

Thank you all so much for your advice and kind words! Being as diplomatic as possible, I emailed my old advisor yesterday asking for more time. She was actually very understanding, and even said it would be pretty cool if I get into my dream school. Now I'm relieved! 

Thank you again, and best of luck to you all!!!!

[DBear]

1 hour ago, Evangeline95 said:

Thank you all so much for your advice and kind words! Being as diplomatic as possible, I emailed my old advisor yesterday asking for more time. She was actually very understanding, and even said it would be pretty cool if I get into my dream school. Now I'm relieved! 

Thank you again, and best of luck to you all!!!!

I'm very glad to hear this! I had a feeling it would work out! Good luck with the dream school and the final decision!