Will you tear my statement of purpose to shreds?

[brittanyandrea]

Now I have what could be the final edition of my purpose statement and I'm wondering if you guys will work your magic for me.  

Here it is!

While my decision to apply to a Master of Public Administration program was made partially because it is the logical next step in my academic career, it is far more than just logic that drove my decision. As a child, I was exposed to contaminants on a playground and the negative effects have continued to impact my life since. Migraines were a daily occurrence, often preventing me from being able to go to school. My school district was not equipped to handle educating someone with the health problems I was facing and I eventually withdrew from school and obtained a high school equivalency diploma. Although I am fortunate enough now to say that my health problems are under control, that is not the end of this fight for me.
The events of my childhood generated a drive inside of me to pursue a career in public administration. My dream is to ensure that no child ever has to choose between their health and pursuing an education. The current emphasis on testing in education diminishes the concern with the students with the strongest and weakest capabilities. Schools are compelled to have strong median and mean scores, leading them to ignore other students. I have decided to pursue an education in public administration rather than education administration because schools are often too vested in these practices and change would have to occur at an oversight level.
In 2013, I took the first step towards making my dream a reality by enrolling in night classes at the local community college. I spent two years studying to earn my associate’s degree, all the while working at a local bank to fund my education. I exceeded countless expectations by not only graduating but by receiving high honors. As I walked across the stage, I vowed to continue my education and to fight to promote universal access to education. In the Fall of 2015, I enrolled at -undergrad school- majoring in Political Science. I am graduating this May with a dual major in Political Science and Public Administration along with a minor in Geography with a GPA of 3.72. -Undergrad School- has opened up numerous doors that have continued to reaffirm my career goals. In the Spring of 2016, I served as an intern for a city planning office. In this position, I provided research assistance to the office and attended city council meetings to report back to the principal planner. Additionally, I answered calls from residents and provided information on anything from zoning to natural disaster management. I completed a project for the office that compared the historical sites in the city to their present day condition, finding that many of them had been poorly preserved over the years. During the summer of 2016, I was one of eight students selected from my school to participate in an internship in Washington D.C. with one of our state’s Congress members. I found myself immersed in public policy and I loved every minute of my experience. During my internship at the D.C. office, I attended Senate sessions and Congressional hearings. Additionally, I completed policy memos for the Senator, ensuring he was well prepared for any meetings or events he attended.
Upon my return home from Washington D.C., the local constituent office for the Senator contacted me to offer me an internship in their office. At the constituent office, I was primarily responsible for organizing the Senator’s schedule and answering questions and concerns of the Senator’s constituents. The Senator is highly involved in protecting the environment and hosts a conference for energy and environment leaders at the local convention center every year. While working for the Senator, I was able to help organize and manage the conference to ensure all went as planned.
I have recently started my final internship in my undergraduate career at an office as a policy intern. In this internship, I will attend legislative sessions and provide research support for the department. Additionally, I am assisting in the modification of a program that helps those receiving unemployment benefits regain employment. These experiences that have made me an outstanding candidate for your public administration program. Obtaining a Master of Public Administration is the final step in ensuring that I can accomplish my aspirations.

[tnt92]

I really enjoyed reading this, and believe you made yourself stand out. However, I feel like your last sentence sells yourself short because it is a bit generic. That's my only critique in an otherwise well written statement! Great job.

[Marqueetim]

nice one. but i hope putting it here doesnt lead to plagiarism issues in the future

 

[Ella16]

So I think it starts out very strong and then it fizzled out a bit for me. Although your internships are impressive it starts to seem more like a recount of your CV than an essay telling a story. Remember to make sure that your statement has a "through line" and that everything in it fits. To me this through line is how your health issues brought about by contaminants inspired you to focus on public administration. I would concentrate on this more and only highlight the public policy related bits of your internships (even if you don't mention all of them) and focus more on education and specifically what you want to do in the future and how. Cut out everything that doesn't tell the story, it's better to cover few things in depth than many things superficially. I would also watch the final sentences like tnt said

Edited February 24, 2017 by Ella16

[fuzzylogician]

Three suggestions: 

1. The long paragraph starting with "In 2013" should be split into two paragraphs (at least). As it stands, it's long and hard to digest. You might also want to cut some details and concentrate on those parts that are relevant to your current/future course of study.

2. The paragraph about your job with the Senator and the subsequent sentence and a half of the next paragraph could be consolidated into one paragraph, or alternatively you should give more details about this internship. 

3. The Last two sentences, starting with "there experiences" should be fleshed out into at least one whole paragraph, and it needs to be much stronger and more detailed than it is at the moment. This is the weakest part of your otherwise quite powerful statement, but it's really the most important component of the SOP: why are you applying for this degree, what do you want to do with it, and why this particular school? You hardly answered any of these things beyond the very broad statements in your second paragraph. 

Also a general comment: this statement is probably over 90% past, 10% present/future. But an SOP should be a forward-looking document. So you need to find a way to tie your past experiences *directly* into your future plans, and you need to be a lot more detailed about those plans. If you have a word limit, consider cutting some discussion of your past accomplishments and also tightening up the intro (you don't need a whole paragraph about your childhood ailments, a sentence or two would suffice); don't keep all of those details at the expense of giving more details about your future plans.