Having a tough time adjusting to grad school?

[Maura N.]

I graduated with my Bachelor's in Biology last May, and am currently about 4 months into my new PhD Program. Honestly, I am feeling extremely lonely and bored. Everyone in my cohort is much older than I am (worked a couple years in industry or already have their masters), and they are definitely not interested in making new friends. My life consists of classes in the morning, followed by lab, and going back home around 6 or 7 with not much to do aside from reading papers or studying. It's so different from my chaotic days in undergrad where I was working/taking classes/doing lab work/ volunteering etc. yet I got along with everyone and enjoyed what I was doing. I still love what I do, but it's starting to feel pretty isolating. Has anyone else felt this way during grad school?

[Hope.for.the.best]

2 hours ago, Maura Ishii said:

I graduated with my Bachelor's in Biology last May, and am currently about 4 months into my new PhD Program. Honestly, I am feeling extremely lonely and bored. Everyone in my cohort is much older than I am (worked a couple years in industry or already have their masters), and they are definitely not interested in making new friends. My life consists of classes in the morning, followed by lab, and going back home around 6 or 7 with not much to do aside from reading papers or studying. It's so different from my chaotic days in undergrad where I was working/taking classes/doing lab work/ volunteering etc. yet I got along with everyone and enjoyed what I was doing. I still love what I do, but it's starting to feel pretty isolating. Has anyone else felt this way during grad school?

Yes, I felt the same too when I was in my first year of PhD. I am also much younger than most PhD students in my program. Your social interactions at grad school are going to be very different from those at undergrad. I can talk almost about anything with other students in the same undergrad program. We are truly friends. However, at grad school, it's more like in a working environment and your classmates are your colleagues. I get on well with them, but I have to be cautious with what I am sharing. I can't help but have to mention my nosy PhD "friend" here again - she is nice and friendly but whatever you tell her will be known by everyone the next day. I hate that she loves to dig into others' relationship status and history, which I don't think it is appropriate to share with her, and hence everyone, at work. She sees it as a way to bond with others because she does that with her sisters, but that offends me a lot. Anyway, I will only talk to her whenever I am struggling with experiments. Other colleagues seem not to be that nosy, but I don't wish to take any chances. As a result, I feel quite lonely at times because I cannot openly share with others how I feel. 

It is good that you enjoy what you are doing. I suggest that you plan something interesting after work each day, e.g. watching movies. Finally, enjoy your peaceful days. As you get along with your PhD program, you will have more and more to do and your chaotic life will come back in no time. I don't mean to scare you, but personally I find that my life in PhD is way more chaotic than when I was in undergrad!  

[Maura N.]

Thanks for the reply! I see. I will definitely try and look at my program from that prospective... That it's work and they are my colleagues. It also doesn't help that I have no experience working at a corporate job, as I only have experience working as a part-timer at very small company. I am just so used to everyone supporting each other and not being judgy and competitive. And yes there is a part of me that is wondering if I am doing something wrong or not doing enough. I can't wait to find my permanent lab for my thesis as I am rotating right now.

[dr. t]

Repeat after me: my cohort isn't my only source of social engagement.

Go join a college club team, take up a hobby, or just go to the campus bar. There is a world beyond your lab!

Edited November 10, 2017 by telkanuru

[Hope.for.the.best]

5 hours ago, Maura Ishii said:

Thanks for the reply! I see. I will definitely try and look at my program from that prospective... That it's work and they are my colleagues. It also doesn't help that I have no experience working at a corporate job, as I only have experience working as a part-timer at very small company. I am just so used to everyone supporting each other and not being judgy and competitive. And yes there is a part of me that is wondering if I am doing something wrong or not doing enough. I can't wait to find my permanent lab for my thesis as I am rotating right now.

It will take some time for you to adjust. I also came straight from my undergrad and got into PhD without working elsewhere. Things may improve a bit when you settle down in a lab, but you just can't expect that your classmates will be as supportive as those from your undergrad or part-time job. Most likely you will be supporting each other only in the academic aspect. You could freely criticise your professors among your classmates at undergrad, but it is disastrous to do so among your grad classmates. That's why I use this forum to seek advice/vent out any issues with my advisors. I second telkanuru's suggestion that you develop social network outside of grad school for emotional support. But then there's another problem - friends outside of grad school don't always understand! It is common that they can only say "good luck", "I know it is hard" etc. So I actually see a psychologist regularly, who is a PhD graduate herself. I have not been diagnosed with a mental illness, but I am prone to stress and anxiety. My anxiety symptoms are not the typical ones like insomnia, overeating etc. They are always unusual and crippling, like afraid of the wind, aversion to a seemingly innocent daily smell etc. My female advisor always uses the same perfume which I am okay with the smell. However, when I was stressed out, that smell just made me feel sick and any meetings with her were hell. I know it's weird, but my psychologist always understands and her words are comforting. I think it is down to she has experienced grad school herself. I only told her that I was writing up my thesis and she could immediately reassure me by saying that, "Undoubtedly you will need to revise your writing a lot, but ultimately you will be produce a good thesis." 

It really makes a difference to have someone who really understands! 

Edited November 11, 2017 by Hope.for.the.best