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I would really appreciate your comments on this essay.


s_feghahati
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The exploration and development of safe alternatives to fossil fuels should be the most important global priority today.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

 

Just a quick look to what happens over a day to every of us will show how deeply nowadays people are in need of energy and its supply. Fossil fuels doubtless play a great role in our world. Those have advanced us, though have caused problems as well. Perhaps this hardly could be said that replacing better energy recourses is the most vital issue of these days, whereas this certainly would be of highly importance topics.

Fossil fuels are limited, and the need for energy seems becoming unlimited. Therefore, we require to have other recourses in the future. To paraphrase, the discrepancy between demand and supply, where we only rely on fossil fuels has negative consequences. This may cause war, crisis etc. The issue which currently we are facing in some parts of the world.

Besides, it is apparent that today technology cannot use fossil fuels without producing carbon dioxide. That is a great peril to the earth and environment. In a like manner, global warming directly is affected by the use of coal and oil. A serious threat which will highly jeopardize ecosystem for all the future generations of people and the creatures of this planet.

In short, what we confront currently, high dependency on the energy and negative impact of using fossil fuels, would definitely vindicate endeavors to find replacement for such energy recourses.

Edited by s_feghahati
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Ok, OP, I'm going to give my opinion on what this essay would get on the GRE. Remember that this is just my opinion and I'm providing it to (hopefully) help you identify ways to improve on the actual GRE. Ok, on with the grading.

Most likely I would give this essay a 2. According to ETS:

A typical paper in this category exhibits one or more of the following characteristics:

  • does not present a critique based on logical analysis, but may instead present the writer's own views on the subject
  • does not develop ideas or is disorganized and illogical
  • provides little if any relevant or reasonable support
  • has serious problems in the use of language and in sentence structure that frequently interfere with meaning
  • contains serious errors in grammar, usage or mechanics that frequently obscure meaning

The bolded points are the two biggest problems with your essay. There are multiple errors in grammar and sentence structure that ultimately obscured your point and evidence. I had to read the essay multiple times and, although I think I know which things you're trying to bring up, I still don't fully understand what you're saying. 

I also felt like the essay was lacking nuance and development on your ideas. Your paragraphs are short and bring up points without backing them up with several concrete examples. For example, you mention that current technology isn't advanced enough to eliminate the production of carbon dioxide when burning fossil fuels for energy. However, you never mention why this is dangerous. I don't need you to speak towards what carbon dioxide does to the atmosphere on a molecular level, but I'm hoping for something more than you gave to make it clear why carbon dioxide is dangerous to the environment. Again, this might be due to the issues in grammar and sentence structure, but it's worth bringing up on its own.

In short, if I was grading essays based on this prompt, I would expect good/great essays to:

1. Start with an introduction and state an opinion (imo the safe development of alternative energy sources should absolutely be a top priority)

2. Provide a minimum of two points backed up by concrete examples to support this opinion (aka, at least two paragraphs in support of your argument).

3. Allow at least a paragraph to acknowledge reasons for an alternative opinion (ex. the complexity of changing from an energy consumption system that has depended on fossil fuels since at least the Industrial Revolution, especially in the United States where we use more energy per person than anywhere else, may not be realistic. Instead, the focus should be on developing clean-burning technologies that will help us transition in a manageable way). 

4. A conclusion if there is time. It doesn't have to be amazing, but I would like to have something that creates a clear end to the essay.

5. Transitions at the start of each paragraph and only minor (or no) grammar and structure issues. For you, focus on transitions, correct tense forms, and not writing in sentence fragments. At the very least, the errors should be minor enough that I still understand what you're trying to say without having to read multiple times (as a grader, I read at least twice, but I should still feel like I understand your point after the first read).

Hopefully, this has been helpful. I would like to note that I did grade this as if you are a native English speaker and, given I'm from the US, I mentioned the US in my example. I do not know if English is your first language or what country you're from, nor if the GRE alters grading based on this information. Not sure if that changes how you view my feedback, but I did want to provide the context, just in case. 

Oh, also to note, you can play a bit with the order of points 2 and 3. I sometimes like to do argument paragraph, counter-argument paragraph, counter-counter argument. Sometimes I do my two in favor paragraphs and then my dissent paragraph. Ultimately, do whichever order makes sense to you. Outlining before writing the essay can help with this, if you have the time. 

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