Moving out for the 1st time

[Adelaide9216]

Hello everyone,

I plan on applying to a Ph.D. program away from my hometown. It's my top choice. But I've never lived on my own and I'm afraid that I will end up feeling lonely if I move out. I live with 4 younger siblings and my mother. I also have mental health issues and being with my family has helped me a lot to cope with some of the symptoms of mental illness. I'm turning 25 in a few days, I know that eventually, I will have to leave, but I feel anxious about feeling lonely. I'm not specifically always at home, but I find it reassuring to always have my home to go back to when I am away for work or volunteer opportunities.

 

[fuzzylogician]

You can live with roommates. It'll be more affordable, too. Depending on the COL in your target city and the stipend you'll get, it might even be necessary. You'll have cohort mates, and you can stay in touch with your family via the phone/skype. 

[lemma]

Hey, good on you for thinking of taking this step - it's pretty brave. 

From my own experiences and the experiences of my friends, the first few months are the hardest when moving away. This is the period before solid friendships form. However, if you keep on pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, within 12-18 months you have a group of people who will have your back no matter what. I found joining interest groups (sports, music...) useful at making friends. Sometimes you also need to be the person to propose something - be it an ice-cream hangout with your cohort, a study session at your apartment with the people who sit next to you, or finding someone to walk with you to pick up lunch. 

Skype is so helpful. It makes a huge difference. Something that might seem paradoxical is that my classmates who had the hardest time integrating were the ones who spent an excessive amount skyping home at the beginning of the year. This was because they were spending time online instead of meeting new people and forming bonds. Skype a couple of days a week is usually fine, but when it turns into everyday at the beginning of the degree, it can be hard.

If you decide to move away, I would recommend getting a mental health treatment team set up well before semester starts. Moving is stressful for everyone, and given your previous experiences of mental illness, it would probably be helpful to have someone work through the transition with you. 

[Hope.for.the.best]

1 hour ago, Adelaide9216 said:

Hello everyone,

I plan on applying to a Ph.D. program away from my hometown. It's my top choice. But I've never lived on my own and I'm afraid that I will end up feeling lonely if I move out. I live with 4 younger siblings and my mother. I also have mental health issues and being with my family has helped me a lot to cope with some of the symptoms of mental illness. I'm turning 25 in a few days, I know that eventually, I will have to leave, but I feel anxious about feeling lonely. I'm not specifically always at home, but I find it reassuring to always have my home to go back to when I am away for work or volunteer opportunities.

 

I can totally relate. Leaving home is always hard. I left home on the day I turned 18, and now I am 26. As you know, I submitted my PhD dissertation not longer ago. I had been feeling very anxious in the year leading to the write up, although I do not have any mental illnesses. What has been the most helpful is an understanding psychologist. She also did a PhD herself, so she can totally understand how difficult doing a PhD is. I second lemma's suggestion that you should set up a team of mental health professionals who can help you. Perhaps your current therapists can identify resources in the city you will be in. 

I also agree with fuzzylogician that you can find someone to live with you. If you get on well with your flatmates, then they are undoubtedly handy support. However, if you don't get on well, they are your additional source of stress. Personally, I lived alone in the very first year away from home for that reason. I only started having flatmates from the second year onwards. I generally got on well with my flatmates, but we did not become very good friends that can support each other like a family. I am not discouraging you, but reminding you that family cannot replace friends. If you decide to find flatmates to live with you, get on with them, but do not expect that they will be like your mum and siblings. 

All the best!