HTisme

He meant by heavy work, to write more of the thesis and learn a few new assays in addition to watering my trees. He wants more of my thesis done and these lab techniques perfected before I can go home. I don't really like doing labwork, though, and the thesis writing just makes me miserable (though I finished few sections already this summe). Only way he said he'd be fine with me leaving, but I feel really, really burned out in general with the project and everything happening in my personal life. I wish I could go home and get my head on straight again before making a decision, but he's not really granting me that luxury. I just want to get home at this point. I just don't feel like I really have much more in me, and could really use seeing some friends and family.

So, I talked to my adviser. I told him how I really wanted to finish the degree, but had a lot going on in my personal life that has me needing to be closer to home. Yet again, he didn't give me anything firm in terms of when I could be able have the degree done, or in terms of how long I could go home. Basically told me I had to be back by the end of August when the semester starts, but if I want to leave, I need to put in a lot of heavy work. Didn't really specify what he wanted, though. As for finishing the program, not having anything firm on that really frustrated me. I wanted to be out by early January, but he basically made it seem like I had to stay through the whole spring if I want my degree. Overall, it wasn't really productive. It was a whole lot of "it's up to you" and not really anything firm. I was really hoping for something more firm, and it was just more of the same. I don't think I can handle any more of the same, and I just don't know if I have a few weeks of heavy work in me, just to go home. The other way around might have worked out, because I just am so burned out on the loneliness and living here and my dislike of labwork that it's tough to just even get out of bed. I don't know. I was really hoping for more out of that meeting, but it was just more vague and non-concrete answers. I know what I get out is what I'm putting in, but I at least wanted something more firm than "it's up to you." I wanted some more guidance than that, and was hoping something from it would help find that spark again, and it didn't. I'm left feeling really disappointed from that meeting.

My gameplan is that tomorrow, I'm going to sit down with him and tell him that I'm going through a really rough patch, and that I really need to spend some time away from here because being here is contributing to that rough patch, which is causing my aversion/apathy towards my thesis and the degree. I'll explain that a lot has happened in my personal life, and that I really need to get away for a while and would like a way to work things out so I can go away for a while. If he can't agree to a compromise on that, I'll just walk, and I'll have no problem doing so. I think I might regret not getting the Master's, but I absolutely hate doing labwork, and I don't really like writing the thesis. I'm wondering if I can even put in 100% effort anymore, because the last year or so has really destroyed my confidence and drive here. It's just something I don't really want anymore, and something I don't necessarily believe is worth all the crap I've been put through for it, but I can't help feeling like it's something I should have. At the same time, I'm so miserable and lonely here, and I really just want to move on with my life, and staying here just makes me feel like I'm putting everything on hold. I don't really feel good about leaving, because I worry about possibly regretting it; but I also don't feel good about staying because I know how much I dislike the labwork, thesis, and the town, and the loneliness and wonder if I can really handle another 6 months of it. I feel like there's no winning in this situation.

He's told me he only wants me doing it since it's my project. The people who run the university orchard (who my adviser also is in charge of) don't touch the block anymore save for spraying pesticides because he wants me handling it all on my own, so he's had them back off of it.

My adviser is more being obstinate than anything else, because they have people running things at the university orchard, which originally had me furious in the first place that I had to stay for that very reason (thought it was ludicrous I had to stay when the university already pays people to take care of them). His stance is that since it's my project, I need to take care of all of it myself, which is a fair opinion to have (he also had me design most of the project on my own as well). I'm going to talk to him on Monday. I think I'd like to quit, but I'm going to ask if there's a way I could spend some time away to get my head straight. I don't have to harvest my apples for my project until the end of September at the earliest, though I'd need to be back to TA again if I stay. If I could, I'd really like to just come for harvesting my apples and initial tests on them, and then go back home to NY until I pull them out of storage and do my last tests. In all honesty, though, I'd really like to never come back to Pullman again. There's a lot of bad memories associated with being here, I'd rather be making money at a job and have more of routine living in a much more desirable location, especially because I'm not really in it for myself anymore and dislike labwork and writing the thesis. I would like to finish if possible (though I don't have a burning desire to, and it's more to make my parents happy), so I'll see if there is any way I can leave for an extended period and come back maybe in late August or something after I've cleared my head a bit, as leaving the program is extreme. Finally, as for not standing firm with my adviser. I do have trouble communicating with him. I've always felt really indebted to him for taking a chance on me, so I have trouble standing firm with him. I've expressed my dissatisfaction with the situation, but he never gives me anything firm when it comes to scheduling committee meetings or having more concrete plans (ended up costing me a job this spring, actually). In May, when I had my annual progress review meeting, I asked about going home for a while, and he never really gave me anything firm on when I could actually leave, save for when he's added things for me. He's extremely hands-off about things, save for when he thinks of new duties and tasks to add to my project, and actually never really gives anything firm when it comes to deadlines, and always flip flops (like when I tried to get a job this spring, where he was against it until the semester ended, and then changed his tune when it was too late for me to accept the offer); it's incredibly frustrating working with no deadlines and with things constantly shifting on me. Working for him is really frustrating, as there's barely any consistency, save for him shifting things and randomly adding more duties to my project. I'd really like to quit, as I think moving somewhere and finally getting a start on my professional career with actual work will help my mental health (and social life, which would be good for my mental health, too). I will try to compromise with my adviser for one last chance to see if there's a way I can leave for a while and still finish my degree, just because it is hard throwing away the last two years of my life like that. I also made a pro/con list for staying versus leaving and I have 3 cons to 8 pros when it comes to leaving, and 8 cons and 3 pros when it comes to staying.

I can't go home to clear my head, though. If I want to finish my degree, I have to stay here until Thanksgiving. I have to take care of the trees that will be producing the apples for my project, which at this point is basically just running irrigation. My adviser doesn't want anyone else, including himself messing with it, so I have to stay here through the summer just to water my apple trees twice a week, which is really frustrating because I was originally only going to stay until mid-June and then spend a month and a half at home to collect myself, but the goalposts were moved yet again by my adviser. At this point, it's either stay here in Pullman alone until Thanksgiving, or don't get the degree. I really wish I could just work on it somewhere else, because it would be nice to actually have the piece of paper after all the work, but I just can't handle it anymore here. It's really hard to focus, or even want to do the work now. I feel really burned out, and could really use seeing some friends and family, but I can't if I want the degree. It's a crappy spot to be in.

I would have to stay until December-early January at the very least to finish my labwork, and I don't know if I could handle that. I haven't seen any family or friends and I can't until Thanksgiving at the earliest if I stay. After January, I probably could leave and finish it in absentia, but that's such a long time of being in almost complete isolation here. The one person who actually was willing to visit me in Pullman isn't in my life anymore, which has also made it tough to stay. Looking at big-picture, it's not that much longer staying if my adviser actually lets me finish in absentia, but he's been pretty wishy-washy on the whole thing. I also just don't really like working on the thesis anymore, or the labwork. I used to at the beginning, but I've just hated it more and more as I've been here, and I don't really know why. I am fairly sure I want to quit, but part of me feels like I should stay. I also have no idea how to approach this with my adviser, and feel bad telling him I want out and don't want to burn bridges. I also feel so wary of leaving without a job, but don't want to be committed to the entire fall to TA.

First, thank you for taking the time to respond. I had to switch projects, and WSU requires 2 years of scientific data for a MS degree. I guess I should explain my project a bit, as agricultural degrees don't have the same timelines for projects in terms of when you can work on them. It's a project on long-term storage of apples and their tissue density, so I can't get data until the fall when I pick the apples and then when I pull them out of storage, collecting all of it in late September/early October and late December/early January, so I basically am spending the summer here doing nothing. I also won't really be doing anything while my apples are in storage for 90 days, either. I won't be able to finish most of the thesis until I have the last of the data in early January. He's moved the goalposts for the project a couple times on me too and has made it much more elaborate than it initially was set out to be. I spent fall 2012 getting some data for the first year, but had to do something completely different in 2013 because funding for my project was dropped, and my adviser was on sabbatical and completely absent. Because he found some money and switched me back this past spring when he came back, I couldn't do anything until the apples for this year are picked, so I literally had no research to work on in terms of my thesis for spring 2014. When I talked to him in May, his idea was for me to be finished with my data collection in December/January (it's a project on long-term apple storage/physiology) and then I finish writing the thesis and graduate in May 2015. He also isn't a fan of me trying to finish the thesis in absentia, so he'd prefer I stay in Pullman until next May, leaving me stuck here for a year if I stay. I had goals when I came WSU, but they've changed quite a bit. I realized I didn't really like working in an academic setting after my first year (I am sure the disorganization here contributed to it), and that what I enjoy doing in terms of work doesn't really require an MS (I grew up selling fruit for my family's farm and I'd like to get back to selling produce and then eventually become a produce buyer or broker). I don't really want the degree for myself, and I don't know how to want it for myself. I do hate the prospect of wasting two years of my life, though, and don't want to disappoint others and am worried I might regret it, but I also just think I need to be able to collect myself away from here. Unfortunately, because of how my experiment is set up, I cannot take a leave of absence (ag sciences are such a pain!). I'm just really confused now.

First time posting, but I have quite a dilemma. I'll start with my backstory, to explain things. I moved from NY and started my PhD program in fall 2012 at WSU-Pullman, but after the first semester, I didn't really like what it took for a PhD, so I reclassified to the MS program. Part of the problem was the project I was promised to work on for my degree was dropped and I wasn't told about it until I got there. My adviser also went on sabbatical that following semester (Spring 2013). At the end of the year, funding on my project got dropped and I had to find a new project to work on, without any help from my adviser. I didn't want to go back that fall, but decided to stick with it to make my parents happy and because I thought it deserved more of a fair chance. I started a new project that I designed on my own that fall, but without any help from my adviser (who was absentee for all of 2013), it completely fell apart. He finally came back from sabattical and reassigned me to a modified version of my original project., and spring 2014 I spent mostly just doing nothing, which frustrated me immensely. I have more than enough credits for my degree, but still need another year here just for my thesis, and I can't finish it from home because of labwork. I also had to turn down a job offer for the summer to stay here after being told at the last minute that I needed to stay to take care of something for my thesis. I also ended up going to counseling that semester, but it was ineffective and they in fact told me to stop going because they thought it was pointless for someone like me. Now, I'm immensely frustrated with the whole thing. I don't like labwork, and writing the thesis makes me miserable. I don't mind being a TA in the fall, but being a TA in the spring makes me pretty miserable as well (the guy I have to TA for in the spring is insufferable). Most of all, I really don't like living in Pullman. It's this really isolated town with nothing to do but drink. I also have no friends here, as I'm the only student in my lab and don't have much interaction with other grad students as a result (there's also infighting in our department, which is a dysfunctional mess). Also, the one person who would actually visit me here, my girlfriend, broke up with me a month ago (and how miserable I was in grad school played a part, as well as having to visit me in Pullman). So, I don't like the labwork, or writing the thesis, and I really hate where I live. My adviser does not do much and was completely absent from everything in 2013. I also only came back last year for my parents, and stayed with it for my parents and girlfriend. When she dumped me, I took stock in my life and figured out how much I didn't want to be here for myself, and that I was doing it for others, but wanted to wait a bit to make sure a decision to leave wasn't made on emotional distress. Well, a month later, I've decided I want to quit. I've spent enough time here, and I want to make money and actually enjoy my life again, and do things for myself, and to stop being so lonely; actually have a sense of accomplishment for my work. The problem is, I don't have a job yet and I'm on assistantship, and I don't want to burn bridges. Part of me also just wonders if I should stick it out, with only really having the thesis left to finish, leaving me unsure if leaving is really the right thing to do. I don't know how much longer I can stick here half-hearted, especially in case I get a job offer during the semester when I'm obligated to TA, and don't want to have to worry about being bound to this place just for that, but I also don't want to leave without a job. Should I stay or should I go? Does anyone have experience with quitting? What do I do, and how do I bring this up with my adviser without sounding like a jerk? How can I make a smooth transition out? How can I make a smooth transition out of grad school and into the real world? Thank you in advance for any responses. I really appreciate them, as I'm having a tough time with this and am very confused.