dolcevita

I was thinking about everything I had just posted earlier, and I had a bit of an epiphany re: the hero worshiping tendency and that I was being kind of harsh on my advisor. I mean, I still think he could be a better communicator, and I still think his preemptive lecturing me re: the job applicants' confidentiality and then turning around and doing exactly what he told me not to do is sucky. But I have admittedly set my bar incredibly high where he's concerned, and as a result I just set myself up for perpetual disappointment, instead of just letting things slide as I would with others. Anyway, came on here to say all that, but can see that my comments are superfluous. Thanks @ TakeruK for the additional insight re: committee. To be honest, they didn't tell my anything about my role on the committee, except to keep all candidate info confidential. I'll definitely tell the others about my position if it is my job to represent their opinions; will need to get clarification on that from my advisor (he's the committee chair...naturally.)

So, an update. The gist: one problem (sort of) resolved, another one emerges. I'm applying for jobs b/c I'm expecting to be ABD soon, and I recently came across a job with an upcoming deadline. Long story short, I had to ask my advisor for a rec. letter, and I was pleasantly surprised to get an email from him telling me that he'd write it for me (despite his telling me he'd be way too busy for anything these next few weeks). Hooray! He's busy/possibly still mad at me, but not enough to deny me a job opp! And in an attempt to further break the ice, I acknowledged his email after class today and made a playful peace offering: As a thank you, I promised not to come w/in 10 feet of his office for the next month or so. "Good," he told me, looking all at me. So things are thawing out a bit...only now a new issue w/ him has emerged. I was chatting w/ a friend/fellow grad student, and she told me, "So, some gossip: Dr. (advisor) told me that (name of semi-known scholar in our field) is actually applying for that job opening here, and Dr. (advisor) totally doesn't like him..." I didn't really react in front of her, b/c...well, I'm on that job search committee as the grad student rep, but never told her or any of the other grad students about that...figured there was no point in telling them since most of my activity w/ the committee would be confidential anyway. But she's not supposed to know about who's applying! And I'm really annoyed, b/c my advisor had explicitly (and brusquely I might add) warned me NOT to share any info w/ others re: applicants, including who was applying, since it was (duh) confidential...and then he turns around and does that?? The logical, learn-from-recent-experiences, need-to-look-out-for-yourself side of my brain is telling me to just forget about it and let it go. Getting all "WTH YOU UNETHICAL HYPOCRITE" on him will not fix things, and only make things worse for me. But the ethical, diehard justice-seeker side of me is infuriated and wants to point out this breach in confidentiality. My initial compromise is to maybe bring it up w/ him casually, but without mentioning my source's name, or that I knew it was him who said it, or even the name of the applicant in question, and say something like "Word has actually gotten out about who's applying for this job..doesn't matter who told me or how that person found out - it was harmless gossip after all - but maybe it needs to be reiterated among the committee that this info needs to remain confidential?" That way, at least he knows he's caught, but w/out being confronted? Or is any mention at all too risky? Regardless, I just feel so disappointed with him. He was a superhero in my eyes when I first met him, but it's become increasingly apparent to me that he's not.

Yup, time is really the only thing I can count on for now. I'm giving it a month or so to let his plate clear up a bit, get some distance from him, and hopefully by then the situation will just fix itself. If not, I'll talk to him. The only remaining issue is finding a way to not feel completely crushed and rejected every time he's cold towards me in the meantime. My eyes cannot take any more crying, and I cannot afford to be so distracted with my qualifying exams just around the corner.

Just reading about your issue now, and am glad to see that you were able to get it resolved! And reading your bullet point takeaways really resonated w/ me, particularly the first one. (currently dealing with a Dr. Nice Guy turned Dr. Doom) While I am friendly and tend to get along with everyone, I also tend to be someone who doesn't go out of her way to cultivate relationships, hates networking, and calls anyone and everyone on their bs, professors included. But I'm learning from my own experience and from yours that perhaps it would do well to actively and consciously play nice because social capital does seem to make the world go round (especially the academic world). Happy that it didn't end with an F for you!

Thanks for your comments guys. Since my original post, I've had a few interactions with him (class, + small group meeting) and -unless I'm reading too much into his behavior - I feel like I'm in the doghouse. He's polite to me, but just polite, and he's considerably nicer/friendlier to everyone else. I think if this were just stress-related, he wouldn't be giving the cold shoulder to me alone, so I have to conclude that he's pushing me away b/c I confronted him. On the one hand, I'm beyond irritated that a grown man can't take a constructive comment, and that he's turning out to be just another stereotypical egocentric professor who's spent a little too much time breathing the extra thin air up in the ivory tower and is living under the delusion that - since the system doesn't hold him accountable - he's exempt from the burden of human decency. But I'm trying to come to terms with the reality that a) he is who he is, I can't change that; b ) if I want things to resolve things in such a way that we return to our status quo, I have to forgive him, even if he never apologizes (he won't). (c) If there's anything I've learned from this, it's that he's got an ego and I have to be nice to it. I met with my therapist today and he thought that maybe everything I had said to my advisor could have been perceived as me hinting at rejecting him, and so my advisor telling me "go work with someone else if you want to, my feelings won't be hurt" was maybe him preemptively rejecting me before I could reject him. Not sure how much I believe that, but the point he was making was that perhaps I should try to find a way to tell him that I appreciate/value everything he's done for me, so as to reassure him + get back on good terms w/ him. I think I might be. I think I have that tendency. BUT, in my defense: pre-Cold War, we very much had a friends-ish relationship. If I met with him to talk about something academic, we'd literally spend 5 minutes on said matter, and then he'd change the subject and ask me a million questions about my personal life (not in a creepy, prying way..more in a "I think you're an interesting person and I like hearing about your life" kind of way). We had great rapport, we teased each other, we'd talk about life. But I'm kind of wondering now if this is all my fault...I accidentally started seeing him as a friend, and then mistakenly thought I could approach him as one and tell him when he's being a d-bag. :/

Hmm, I'm not sure he's good at taking criticism at all, but I think you're right and I should attempt to leave this alone for a while. I think the dust will start to settle for him in a few weeks, just as I'm about to take my exams..so hopefully by then things will have resolved themselves on their own. Re: me working with someone else: I think that was him jumping on the fact that I had said "if we HAVE to work together..." (emphasis he heard, not my actual emphasis) it definitely wasn't said in a calm, "oh, you have someone else in mind that you'd like to work with who better suits your needs? Alright, no worries!" kind of way. It was said in a more, "pff. you're not even a blip on my radar" sort of way. I know, this is just my interpretation and I could totally be wrong about it...but it just came as a totally unprovoked and unnecessary comment, and is definitely proving to be the hardest thing to let go of. ...but I'll try. Having read your comments I think I agree that I ought to just leave things alone for a while and see what happens post-exams. Not going to lie, it's going to be hard to let this all go - for me, letting go requires distance, and unfortunately I have a class with him, so I have the pleasure of seeing him and being reminded of how frustrating he is a couple times a week. :-/ Thanks for your feedback, I feel a little calmer about this!

Hi all, I've been having problems with my advisor/diss director as of late and I feel like I need to step back and get some outsiders' opinions before I figure out if/how to act. The past month or so, he's been increasingly unavailable to me, and increasingly more distant and borderline unfriendly/rude. I know that he has a lot on his plate right now, so the not being able to dedicate time to me isn't a huge concern to me - I work perfectly fine independently anyway. My issue is his attitude/behavior, which has not been an issue in the past - I've known him for over a year, and we've always had a decent relationship - pretty friendly and casual, to the point that I had almost seen him sort of as a friend, and certainly someone that I could trust. Considering the shift, I went to see him today to talk to him about it...he had recently been dismissive of some application materials I wanted him to look at (when a few weeks ago he had insisted that he needed to see them), and I simply wanted to know what prompted the change, b/c he had been vague in his email ("I don't need to see them" was all he had said). He told me he just didn't have the time to look at them. "fair enough," I told him, "but why couldn't you just say that in your email?" Anyway. He seemed to take offense that I was telling him how he should talk ("I'm just suggesting!") and that it wasn't his problem how I interpreted things. (I argued that yes, it does matter, especially if he's being vague)..it was just the most frustrating conversation (and just to clarify, the email incident was just an example among several incidents) - we just went in circles, with him telling me half a dozen times that I didn't seem to understand/care that he had other students/priorities/responsibilities besides me, and me insisting that YES, I did understand that, but that my issue was with how he was choosing to communicate that to me, and just how dismissive he's been w/ me lately, and I feel like I couldn't get through to him. And then he tells me that talking about this is all very "weird and uncomfortable" and he just couldn't understand what the issue was, and finally that I was just wasting time discussing stuff that's just so irrelevant to work. I tried to argue that how we communicate IS relevant - if we have to work together, we should make the effort to do so harmoniously..and miscommunication/misinterpretations can jeopardize that. His response? "We don't have to work together...if you want to go with someone else, my feelings won't be hurt." And then he just brushes this all off, tells me to stop overthinking things and just be happy, and then shooed me out b/c he had to be somewhere. So I've been sitting here crying all evening because I feel jipped. I came to this program because of him. When I met him I was super jazzed b/c I felt like I had won the advisor lottery b/c he was so cool and seemed totally on the same page as me/supportive of my goals. And now he's being all hostile, and he tells me that he doesn't care if I go work with someone else? This last part just stings so much, because I want to work with him and I do respect him, and him telling me that implies that he doesn't care at all about me and doesn't respect me. I just don't know what to do at this point. Am I overreacting? He said as much. A few of the TAs I confided in don't think so (and acknowledge that he's been a bit of a jerk lately for some weird reason). If I am blowing this out of proportion, I definitely want to know. If I'm right to be upset...what should I do? I'm set to take my qualifying exams in a few weeks and am reluctant to wreak havoc w/ my committee setup. I have one other professor that I think I trust enough to talk to, but I'm not sure what she can do. I feel like my best option is to just deal with this the best I can so I can get the h. out of here with my phd...but I don't know how much of this I can take. I'm definitely not one to keep my mouth shut if I'm upset about something..but maybe that's something I need to learn to do? Help!! I don't get to see my therapist for at least a few days, lol. Please and thank you.

Hi again, I just wanted to follow up post-conference. Thanks again everyone for your thoughts - I took your suggestions and the conference went really well! I had a receptive audience, and no one seemed turned off/critical of my data, if anything, people seemed genuinely interested in my topic, and I ended up having quite a few chats about it even after my presentation. I feel a bit silly for being so worried, but at the same time have learned from this experience as well in terms of what I want my research/data to look like so I actually feel comfortable presenting at a conference!

Thank you, both! (and I suppose I should have been a little more specific - my study has to do with multilingualism and language attitudes) I feel a little more confident that I might be able to pull this off yet -- I am fortunate to have strong presentation skills, so hopefully they'll save me. I like the idea of shifting some focus onto the future, with projected data/expanding the breadth of the study.

I had a paper accepted at a conference, to which - against my better judgement - I accepted. I was reluctant to accept, because at the time of applying, I was still collecting data, and figured I would manage to collect enough (I know, #1 mistake)...and as it turns out, I wasn't able to collect as much as I had hoped. Because it's a grad student conference, a number of people told me it wasn't a big deal, and I could just present my paper as a pilot study (which it was)/work-in-progress. When I mentioned this all to my adviser the other day, he seemed extremely concerned that I would essentially be ripped apart for the lack of participants in my study, and presenting a weak study would be bad for my rep. At the moment, he wants me to put together my presentation and show it to him so he can give additional feedback, but now I'm so tense and anxious about (a) getting his incredulous disapproval for the first time and (b) being publicly cut down and embarrassed at this upcoming conference, that I wish I could cancel. It's in a couple of weeks though, so that seems out of the question. Any suggestions on how I should fix this? My adviser said to focus on qualitative since I don't have much to go off of re: quantitative, and for my part, all I can think of doing is acknowledging the shortcomings of my study but focus on the results that I do have. Or do you think I'm overreacting, and an incomplete study/a study that didn't go as planned isn't grounds for tarring and feathering a conference participant? :-/

I buckled and decided to call the last school I'm waiting on (and the only one to not reject me yet). I called my POI and was told they had to wait until after 5 pm (eastern time) to send decisions out to the waitlisted candidates, as they were waiting on some responses. She was vague about whose responses they waiting on, but did answer affirmatively when I asked if I'd be getting an email today. It is now 8:37 pm eastern time and no email yet. :-/ I expect that they had to wait until the end of the day to hear from their currently admitted candidates, and so maybe they'll just send the emails out tomorrow since most offices close at 5 pm? I keep going back and forth with thinking that this is a GOOD sign ("if they're waiting on a couple of other accepted candidates to respond before emailing me, that must mean I'm at the top of the waitlist/their next alternative, b/c otherwise why would they wait to write me?) but then I just keep telling myself to calm down and not get my hopes up, b/c this could mean a million things, possibly negative. C'mon. It's April 15th! I followed all of your application deadlines, you should follow yours. Get it together, grad schools.

This is so beautiful, so sad, and so true. This is exactly how I feel. :-/ So far, I've been rejected by 4 schools, had my application discarded by a 5th (the joint phd program I applied to was being discontinued. instead of telling me and/or asking me if I wanted to be considered for just the general linguistics phd program, they just...threw out my application and didn't tell me until I pestered them for a couple of weeks)...and I'm down to one school that I'm still waiting on. According to the results search, a few people have already received acceptances and rejections, so I'm guessing I'm waitlisted. I do have a teaching job in my field of interest (I already have an MA), so that's at least one positive thing, but for a tenure-track, research/teaching-balanced job that I'd ultimately like to have, I need a PhD. Also, I hate, hate, hate where I live/work and while the thought of not getting to do my PhD upsets me, coming to terms with the likelihood of me staying where I am for another year just bums me out even more. <sigh> this whole process has been exhausting and frustrating, and I've got 5 lbs of stress-eating to show for it. :-/