olive_via

Hi everyone, this is my first ever post on here, though I have been lurking for two years, as this is the 2nd year in a row applying to PhD programs. I was rejected from all the programs I applied to last year, so I tried again this year. It's not looking good for me. I'm really scared and not taking this well. I took the year to strengthen my dossier, finished my masters. I think it is still not enough, and I'm finding it a really really hard pill to swallow. I know this sounds dramatic. But, it's getting to be the end of February and I got a "no" from CUNY and no word on anyone else (had an interview w/ POI at Stony Brook Uni weeks ago but nothing since; nothing from Boston College, Temple, NYU Steinhardt) and I can't imagine a future anymore where I'll get good news in my inbox. I feel sick to my stomach and endless dread and I can't sleep. I have this nauseating feeling that I didn't get in anywhere again. I don't know why I'm writing this. I suppose it's cathartic and it's things that have been rattling in my head but I've never gotten to articulate. All I can ask myself at this point is: at what point do you give up on your dreams? I can't feasibly funnel more money or emotional energy into this. How far down the ranking of schools do I keep trying for until getting a PhD from just anywhere is unappealing? I'm just thinking aloud and word vomiting. I'm...just terribly gutted and sad and am trying to come to terms with it. Last application cycle destroyed any and all optimism I ever had about this process. Ugh. Just ugh. I just so desperately want to know what good news feels like :/