sad_raccoon

Making an account here because I can't talk to anyone in real life, yay! I'm just feeling so worthless right now. I found out on Monday that I was waitlisted at my dream school, and rejected from just about everywhere else. Going into this whole process, I thought my stats were pretty solid, so I never even imagined I would need a backup plan. I'm completely unprepared to figure out what to do next year if I don't start grad school. And the thought of explaining everything to my family and friends and everyone who knew about my plans makes me physically ill. I feel so stupid for assuming things would work out. I'm trying my best to keep it together at work, but it's easy to tell when I've been crying so even though I've only been doing it when no one else is around I'm sure everyone can tell, and they're all uncomfortable around me. My boss pulled me aside today and told me not to come in until I can focus. All I can think is that they don't want me around when they're doing interviews, because they don't want to scare him off by explaining that their senior technician didn't get into any grad programs. My other coworkers who applied to grad programs in different fields this year both got into their top schools, though, so at least they can mention that. I'm really happy for them, but it's hard not to feel miserable when everyone else is enjoying success and I'm wallowing in failure. I feel absolutely awful. My boss was the only real guidance I had throughout this whole process, and now that I know she's frustrated with me I don't know who else to turn to. I feel like everyone at work is either embarrassed of me or pities me, and I know my performance has been slipping. It was easy to pull 10 hour days when I thought all my hard work would pay off, but it's hard to stay motivated when everything I've been working towards is crashing down around me. I just don't know what to do anymore. I could reapply next year and find work in the meantime, but if two years of research experience in a big name lab isn't enough to make my applications acceptable, I can't think of how more research experience will help. I can't afford the tuition for a master's degree, and even if I could, there's no guarantee I'd get into any of those programs. I'm starting to wonder if I'm even in the right field--but this is all I know how to do. What hurts more is that a lot of my rejections came after in-person interviews. I know I'm not the best in social situations, but this process has really beaten me down. My anxiety has been getting worse and worse. I'm not sure how I can last another four months in my current job. At this point, I'm just finding it hard to imagine getting back on my feet. Sorry to be such a downer. Is anyone else feeling this way?