I have been working toward the goal of being in a PhD program for years but now that I'm finally here, I feel disappointed. I'm very satisfied with my choice of adviser, my cohort and the program in general. I guess I just expected to feel a bit happier in my day to day life. I knew first year optimism would burst at some point but I didn't expect this so soon.
I am already feeling pressure to publish. I am grateful for the push my program provides but I can't help feeling like I'm already behind. Classes, although touted as unimportant, take up a significant amount of time and energy and my lab requires hours of mandatory training. I've never been the best at housekeeping and I'm finding it very difficult to keep up with cleaning and the organizing that comes from a cross-country move. On top of this, I'm feeling lonely and I find myself developing crushes on a fellow first year (much younger than me) and on an assistant professor (my age but completely inappropriate).
I'm not 100% sure why I'm posting, I guess I just needed an outlet. Does anyone else feel this way? Will it get better? I feel I'm in the right place, doing what I want to do. I expected hard work but I'm surprised by my level of current discouragement. I love my subject area and the opportunity to read and think about it full time is the best thing I could have done with my life.
Thanks for letting me vent.