Would you accept an offer, knowing that you were not the first choice?

[MixedMethods]

Hello everyone,

 

So I am going through a bit of a situation and would love to get some general feedback/opinions.

Today, I was informed unofficially by my POI that I was accepted to a program (Program A) I just interviewed at last week. The program is top ranked and has pretty great funding. However, the research fit isn't as strong, in my opinion. Adding to this, I also interviewed at another program (Program B ) about 3 weeks ago, where I felt like the fit and lab were great. Program A's research seems to be a little bit of everything, and thus it would be on me to focus on any one area, whereas Program B specializes in said area and is thus probably my top choice (in terms of fit).

So, having the contact information from one of the other students that interviewed at Program B, I reached out to them asking if they've heard anything back, as I have not (even though I did email the POI some questions right after the interview) They informed me that they indeed received an offer, however they were unlikely to accept. So, if this POI offers me a spot later on, I find myself with some serious mixed feelings (and bruised pride).

I know I am jumping the gun here, but I am curious as to what others might think: Would you accept an offer from an ideal program (such as Program B), knowing that you weren't that POI's first choice? Or would you opt for a program that was overall pretty nice, but only a decent fit?

[deactivated]

Honestly, if Program B was my first choice, I would be over the moon that I was offered admission period. Wouldn't matter to me if I was even Program B's 10th choice.

[rising_star]

Have you ever dated (particularly online), @MixedMethods? (Work with me here.) You like someone and ask them out and maybe they say yes but maybe they say no. If they say yes, does it matter to you if they've asked out anyone before you? Probably not in reality because we've all asked people out only to have them turn us down (or, in the realm of online dating, sent someone a message and never gotten a reply). If you're not the first choice but still get what you want out of it, why obsess over the first part?

[TakeruK]

I'll be more blunt here: you will probably need to get over feeling a bruised ego whenever you're not selected first for something in academia. From now on, every selection process will be much more competitive! When you compete for that grad school grant, are you going to care if you were the first choice or not? When you are looking for a job when there are 200 applicants for the same position, would you care if you got it by being the #1 choice or because choices 1 through 4 accepted positions elsewhere?

[GreenEyedTrombonist]

If it's the right program for me and I get in, it doesn't matter what choice I was. I have been accepted to a school that I feel will be the best choice for me and my goals. That's what matters. 

[MixedMethods]

12 hours ago, rising_star said:

Have you ever dated (particularly online), @MixedMethods? (Work with me here.) You like someone and ask them out and maybe they say yes but maybe they say no. If they say yes, does it matter to you if they've asked out anyone before you? Probably not in reality because we've all asked people out only to have them turn us down (or, in the realm of online dating, sent someone a message and never gotten a reply). If you're not the first choice but still get what you want out of it, why obsess over the first part?

 

10 hours ago, TakeruK said:

I'll be more blunt here: you will probably need to get over feeling a bruised ego whenever you're not selected first for something in academia. From now on, every selection process will be much more competitive! When you compete for that grad school grant, are you going to care if you were the first choice or not? When you are looking for a job when there are 200 applicants for the same position, would you care if you got it by being the #1 choice or because choices 1 through 4 accepted positions elsewhere?

While I appreciate the advice offered, I was merely asking what others thought about it personally if faced with the decision.  I am more so curious as to how others would feel about it, if faced with the same situation.

[rising_star]

22 minutes ago, MixedMethods said:

While I appreciate the advice offered, I was merely asking what others thought about it personally if faced with the decision.  I am more so curious as to how others would feel about it, if faced with the same situation.

I wasn't offering advice. I was telling you how I'd feel about it. I'd feel the same way I did/do when it comes to dating. I'm never going to be everyone's first choice for everything. My partner readily admits that I wasn't their first choice (gee, shocking how that happens when you're past the teenage years!). They even tell me about their previous forays and failed dating attempts and I do the same. We're happy together so it doesn't faze me. For me, grad school admissions, fellowship and grant applications, etc. are all the same way.

[TakeruK]

29 minutes ago, MixedMethods said:

While I appreciate the advice offered, I was merely asking what others thought about it personally if faced with the decision.  I am more so curious as to how others would feel about it, if faced with the same situation.

Ah okay, sorry for the misunderstanding. I will be honest in my answer, in hopes it will be more helpful:

When something like this happened when I was a high school student, I felt annoyed at myself for not being the first one and a little jealous of the person who was the first choice. Back then, for some reason, my teenage self decided if I was not the best at something then I failed myself and I needed to do better.

When this happened during my undergraduate, I didn't have any negative feelings. I was happy that I still got something and saw it as a challenge to work harder.

When this happened during my early grad school years, I sometimes didn't care and I sometimes felt like this was a sign I made the wrong career choice and that I will fail at grad school.

When this happened in my last year of grad school, it was for jobs I have been applying to. I honestly could not care if I was their 1st choice, 3rd choice or even 20th choice and I only got it because everyone else ahead of me chose something else. I was just happy to have something that I wanted. The job market is brutal.

I haven't been a postdoc long enough yet to have competed in anything like this (didn't apply to jobs this past fall since I have a 2+1 contract), but I have a feeling I'm going to feel the same as my last year of grad school.

 

And to answer your original question: the ideal program 100%.

[MixedMethods]

Thank you all for your thoughts! I just find it very interesting to see how people approach a major life choice such as grad school. It can definitely be a total mental and emotional roller coaster, and sometimes I can't help but wonder what others are feeling/thinking during the entire process.