Graceful Transitions?

[E. Coronaria]

I wanted to start a thread for questions about transitions with work, family, living, lifestyle, climate, and friends after being accepted into a program. 

[E. Coronaria]

My personal question is this: I work with an amazing supervisor at my full-time job. She surprised me with a promotion at the end of November, so I didn't have the opportunity to explain that I could be leaving-- HR had already approved it and she had already spent time making it happen. Now I want to do right by her. We're a two person unit, so my leaving will be a burden on her. I'd like to give long notice, but EVERYTHING I've read said that anything longer than four weeks is self-destructive. What are your plans, GCers?

[more.truly.more.strange]

So far, I've only gotten acceptances in the Mid West and West Coast. I live in and am in love with New York and am worrying about a) leaving the comfort of the East Coast, which is the only part of the country I've lived in and b ) leaving a huge/wild/strange/diverse/buzzing city for a much smaller town. Any fellow worriers or advice? 

[Yanaka]

I’m very worried about using a car again after years without one. Worried about maintaining it, worried about paying insurance, worried about driving in the US. I think it will be necessary once I live in Jersey, but I’m terrified. If anyone has any input on that—transitioning from living in big cities for years and not being used to driving anymore, to owning a car (I used my mom’s car when I went back home, and she takes perfect care of it because she’s an incredible boss-model)—I’d appreciate it!

Also advice on transitioning from city life to more country life works.

Edited February 15, 2018 by Yanaka

[mads47]

3 hours ago, Yanaka said:

I’m very worried about using a car again after years without one. Worried about maintaining it, worried about paying insurance, worried about driving in the US. I think it will be necessary once I live in Jersey, but I’m terrified. If anyone has any input on that—transitioning from living in big cities for years and not being used to driving anymore, to owning a car (I used my mom’s car when I went back home, and she takes perfect care of it because she’s an incredible boss-model)—I’d appreciate it!

Also advice on transitioning from city life to more country life works.

I totally understand this fear. I went from barely driving for 4 years while I was in school to moving to LA, where driving is necessary and terrifying. For the first month or so, every time I drove was terrifying. But then you get used to it. So I guess my advice is just to jump in head first, because the longer you drag it out trying to avoid driving, the longer it'll take to feel comfortable with it. It sounds like you are going somewhere more rural though? So I think you will be pleasantly surprised by how relaxed and peaceful it is to drive down country roads. 

As for car maintenance, I found that just having someone teach me the basics of how to check my oil, change a tire, etc. made me a lot less nervous. Besides that, make sure you know where the car manual is and what number to call if you need roadside assistance. 

[Yanaka]

11 minutes ago, mads47 said:

I totally understand this fear. I went from barely driving for 4 years while I was in school to moving to LA, where driving is necessary and terrifying. For the first month or so, every time I drove was terrifying. But then you get used to it. So I guess my advice is just to jump in head first, because the longer you drag it out trying to avoid driving, the longer it'll take to feel comfortable with it. It sounds like you are going somewhere more rural though? So I think you will be pleasantly surprised by how relaxed and peaceful it is to drive down country roads. 

As for car maintenance, I found that just having someone teach me the basics of how to check my oil, change a tire, etc. made me a lot less nervous. Besides that, make sure you know where the car manual is and what number to call if you need roadside assistance. 

Yeah well I'm probably unfair to Jersey, but I'll be moving to Central Jersey! Haha. Pretty rural to me xD

And the more I'll avoid driving, the more chances I'll never drive again. I hope you're right! Thanks for the comfort!

[maengret]

@E. CoronariaI think you'll find once you've given notice that you'll get short-timer's syndrome. Everything about workload and priorities changes when you know you're not long for the work anymore, even if you don't intend for that to be the case. Companies will either fill positions quickly or stick someone else with your workload while they "re-evaluate the position." Either way, it's not in your control. A month is more than sufficient and perfectly professional in your situation. If you want to help our your boss, let her know you've given thought to how to handle the transition and would be happy to discuss (but know it's her call and she may not welcome your input).

[E. Coronaria]

23 hours ago, more.truly.more.strange said:

So far, I've only gotten acceptances in the Mid West and West Coast. I live in and am in love with New York and am worrying about a) leaving the comfort of the East Coast, which is the only part of the country I've lived in and b ) leaving a huge/wild/strange/diverse/buzzing city for a much smaller town. Any fellow worriers or advice? 

It depends where you got in and how small the schools are. It's a six year move, but you can always return to the city after!  Also, will any of us really have much time to enjoy a city?! I don't have any real advice for you, but I wish you the best!

[E. Coronaria]

2 hours ago, maengret said:

@E. CoronariaI think you'll find once you've given notice that you'll get short-timer's syndrome. Everything about workload and priorities changes when you know you're not long for the work anymore, even if you don't intend for that to be the case. Companies will either fill positions quickly or stick someone else with your workload while they "re-evaluate the position." Either way, it's not in your control. A month is more than sufficient and perfectly professional in your situation. If you want to help our your boss, let her know you've given thought to how to handle the transition and would be happy to discuss (but know it's her call and she may not welcome your input).

Thanks for your response. I think you're right, but I really don't want you to be! I'd love to give her enough time to hire someone and let me do the training. But you're probably right, HR will probably take over and I'll be out of a job earlier than I'm prepared for. 

[maengret]

@E. Coronaria Maybe you know their hiring trends to be different -- very few places fill a position within 4 weeks anymore, but you know your company better. Also...sometimes, even when we're leaving for a good reason (not because we're upset with the job), even when the boss is happy for us, people get separation anxiety in ways that don't make our last few weeks pleasant...

[JustPoesieAlong]

I'm soooo over my current job and just wanna tell everyone "Bu-bye! Imma get a PhD, sukahs!" Buuut I'm not moving until June/July and definitely need the money until then. I'm dreaming of when I get to tell my supervisor I'm out. 

In the meantime, one good thing is that all of the things that I've been getting out of shape over at work matter a heck of a lot less to me now. I'm just clocking in, doing what I can, and clocking out. In a few months I won't give a rip about the flaws in the system around here. (Funny enough, I was just nominated to be on a committee that basically gives opinions on what can be done better...) 

As for family, we're slowly but surely letting everyone know. We told my in-laws earlier this week. They didn't take it super well because we'll most likely be moving even further away, but they've only visited us once in the five years since we moved away the first time anyway. I'm bracing to tell my grandma, who was really hoping we'd move closer to home. 

I'm really trying to prepare myself for making little money again. We had juuuust started earning grown up money (not much, but we were comfortable). It's going to be a challenge to go back to clutching pennies like we did when I was in my master's program. 

[EspritHabile]

Hi, @E. Coronaria (and others in the same boat).

I wanted to chime in that I agree with @maengret on several points. 

1. When you turn in your notice--be that verbally or in writing--that will make the transition feel very real . There's no turning back, really, once you've made your intentions known to others. Even folks who feel ready to flip a table and march out may find a little change of heart once they give notice. Or conversely, turning in that notice may finally release you to observe the things that really irked you but that you studiously ignored before. 

2. People react to loss very differently and often unpredictably. Where I am now, I've seen best friends turn into embittered enemies over a departure, and I've seen nemeses reconcile their differences in the same process. I've also seen people maintain whatever relationships they had prior to the transition phase. It's a crapshoot. So just be aware of that, and try your best not to take anything personally.

3. Depending on what your job is, what your organization is like, and what typical hiring trends are like, a month's notice may be just enough time to bring in and train a new person, or it might not. I gave over a year's notice to some people, and about half that to others. I think it's easier for people to accept news that you're going away to school that it would be for them to gracefully accept your decision to make a lateral move within the organization, or to move to another place for the same job as the one you have now. I think the matter of how much notice to give also depends upon how much agency/responsibility you have in your current role and how involved you could be or want to be in finding your replacement. I know the culture of my current organization, so I felt comfortable giving waaaaaaaaaaaay more notice than I did for my last position. Know your audience. 

4. Ultimately, know that you're leaving for a great reason. Whatever happens, do your best to be positive and forward-looking, and that's how people will remember you. 

 

[E. Coronaria]

On 2/15/2018 at 6:31 PM, maengret said:

@E. CoronariaI think you'll find once you've given notice that you'll get short-timer's syndrome. Everything about workload and priorities changes when you know you're not long for the work anymore, even if you don't intend for that to be the case. Companies will either fill positions quickly or stick someone else with your workload while they "re-evaluate the position." Either way, it's not in your control. A month is more than sufficient and perfectly professional in your situation. If you want to help our your boss, let her know you've given thought to how to handle the transition and would be happy to discuss (but know it's her call and she may not welcome your input).

Thanks for your response @maengret! I think I already have short-timer's syndrome, in addition to a very serious addiction to GC. For reasons I won't get into, the job must stay the same and they can't really afford to have the position vacant for very long. Because I'm in a two person unit, there's nobody else to stick else with the work. So my decision to follow my dreams is essentially handing my supervisor a pile of manure. You make an excellent point about talking with my boss about how I've thought about the transition. I'm planning on writing training/process guides for most of my duties before I approach her. That way the new hire won't be lost when he/she/them arrives. 

21 hours ago, EspritHabile said:

Hi, @E. Coronaria (and others in the same boat).

I wanted to chime in that I agree with @maengret on several points. 

1. When you turn in your notice--be that verbally or in writing--that will make the transition feel very real . There's no turning back, really, once you've made your intentions known to others. Even folks who feel ready to flip a table and march out may find a little change of heart once they give notice. Or conversely, turning in that notice may finally release you to observe the things that really irked you but that you studiously ignored before. 

2. People react to loss very differently and often unpredictably. Where I am now, I've seen best friends turn into embittered enemies over a departure, and I've seen nemeses reconcile their differences in the same process. I've also seen people maintain whatever relationships they had prior to the transition phase. It's a crapshoot. So just be aware of that, and try your best not to take anything personally.

3. Depending on what your job is, what your organization is like, and what typical hiring trends are like, a month's notice may be just enough time to bring in and train a new person, or it might not. I gave over a year's notice to some people, and about half that to others. I think it's easier for people to accept news that you're going away to school that it would be for them to gracefully accept your decision to make a lateral move within the organization, or to move to another place for the same job as the one you have now. I think the matter of how much notice to give also depends upon how much agency/responsibility you have in your current role and how involved you could be or want to be in finding your replacement. I know the culture of my current organization, so I felt comfortable giving waaaaaaaaaaaay more notice than I did for my last position. Know your audience. 

4. Ultimately, know that you're leaving for a great reason. Whatever happens, do your best to be positive and forward-looking, and that's how people will remember you. 

 

Hi @EspritHabile! Thanks for your thoughtful commentary. The transition already feels VERY real. You might say I feel a little too liberated. Of course, I'm still doing my best, but it's harder and harder to pretend be emotionally satisfied with my work. 
You're right about the unpredictability. That's what I'm most nervous about. I have a great, respectful relationship with my boss. I'm afraid that she'll feel betrayed, but I also want to leave having given her as much notice as possible. I might have to suffer for a few weeks, but my conscience will delight in its weightlessness!

I looked back through my notes from when I started the position. Based on when I had my first interview to my start date, it actually took them two months to hire me, plus there was a short amount of advertising time as well (about two weeks, I think, and they continued to advertise the position until I signed my offer letter). So I'm feeling bad about only giving four weeks, because it won't be enough. I'm very seriously considering 6 weeks now-- eight is probably a terrible, terrible idea, but 6 weeks might be okay. 

Thanks again for all of your thoughts! 

 

@JustPoesieAlong I totally get it. I certainly haven't been stressing about work like I did in the past! How liberating! 

[Yanaka]

I also have short-term syndrome at my current master’s xD

[EspritHabile]

14 hours ago, E. Coronaria said:

For reasons I won't get into, the job must stay the same and they can't really afford to have the position vacant for very long. Because I'm in a two person unit, there's nobody else to stick else with the work. So my decision to follow my dreams is essentially handing my supervisor a pile of manure. You make an excellent point about talking with my boss about how I've thought about the transition. I'm planning on writing training/process guides for most of my duties before I approach her. That way the new hire won't be lost when he/she/them arrives. 

You're right about the unpredictability. That's what I'm most nervous about. I have a great, respectful relationship with my boss. I'm afraid that she'll feel betrayed, but I also want to leave having given her as much notice as possible. I might have to suffer for a few weeks, but my conscience will delight in its weightlessness!

I looked back through my notes from when I started the position. Based on when I had my first interview to my start date, it actually took them two months to hire me, plus there was a short amount of advertising time as well (about two weeks, I think, and they continued to advertise the position until I signed my offer letter). So I'm feeling bad about only giving four weeks, because it won't be enough. I'm very seriously considering 6 weeks now-- eight is probably a terrible, terrible idea, but 6 weeks might be okay. 

I've thought about your situation a bit more, and from what you've shared I think you need to trust  your gut.

At some organizations, employees will be frogmarched out the door the day they turn in their notice. It doesn't sound like your situation is like that, and I think that's important. And if your relationship with your supervisor is really strong, that's important. If you have seen them maturely and professionally respond to other situations or people, I think that speaks to how they would treat you. And I think Maengret is absolutely right that you can frame your departure in a positive, thoughtful way that will help to ease that transition. And creating process guides for your successor will help to ease that transition in practical as well as relational ways. 

What makes you say that 8 weeks would be a terrible idea? 

 

 

[E. Coronaria]

9 hours ago, EspritHabile said:

What makes you say that 8 weeks would be a terrible idea? 

If the one toxic person in the governing department (distinct from my unit, but still the governing department) is MOTIVATED to find someone to replace me, they can easily have me out the door in four or five weeks. When I took the position, it was a part-time gig. That's harder to fill. It's full-time now (from my surprise promotion), a great job, and I'm sure there will be competitive applicants.

I've been considering six, because I won't starve if I forgo 2 weeks of pay. I can't afford to lose the entire month, though, with how expensive the move is going to be. HR at the institution I am employed is merciless, and my experience with them during the hiring process was very poor. If I was just worried about my co-workers being mean to me, I'd suck it up. It's being fired that has me hesitating.