Soliciting Help w/Funding Ideas

[Medievalmaniac]

Hey, Gang -

OK, so look: I'm laying this one on the line, because it's my best shot. Many of you already know my story, or part of it: I graduated from William & Mary w/a degree in French & Education in 1997, went into grad school for interdisciplinary French/medieval studies at American and Catholic U's (consortium) in 1999, went through an ugly, stalker-y separation and divorce from "Mr. Right" and had to put my dream of finishing grad school on hold (at that time, I thought, forever). Ended up turning it all around, teaching, getting married, having a daughter, and finally, having the chance to go back to school in 2006, BUT they wouldn't take my transfer credits because I applied a few months after the 5 year cut off (yes: MONTHS - that still upsets me a little...lol) Worked full time, parenting, while going to school. Gave birth to my second daughter mid-semester, took the week of the actual birth off, came back the following Monday, and never missed another class. Straight As as a master's student, despite teaching 6 classes a term, five terms a year, at a year-round school. I have already taken 17 MA level courses - two short of the required number for most doctoral programs. I've presented papers at 8 conferences, 7 of them medieval, and published quite a bit. One of those papers, I gave at the International Medieval Congress, on the day of my graduation from my Master's Program...in honor of my Father, who had passed away from Stage 4 prostate cancer the weekend prior.

In short, I am a medievalist, and I have what it takes to get this stupid PhD. I have absolutely paid, paid, paid my dues.

Wow, I'm exhausted just reading that...lol

So, here's the deal: it looks like neither of the schools within driving distance of my home is going to come through for me - already rejected at UNC, implicitly so at UVA. My family can't move because of the economy and housing market, and because my husband is the managing editor of a local paper and noooot likely to get as good a job in journalism anywhere else right now. BUT - I am sitting on an admit, to go to Catholic University, and to study dragons in literature with Lilla Kopar.

It's five hours from here to Washington, D.C. We're talking four semesters of coursework to get to ABD status from where I am now with my MA coursework in hand. I can't let that go. I can't let my dream die. FOUR SEMESTERS to ABD, and then I can write my dissertation from anywhere.

I would have to walk away from a $49,000.00 / year job to attend Catholic, and it would have to be a commuter marriage, with me going up to DC Monday afternoons, staying through Friday morning, and back for the weekend. Plus all breaks and holidays, of course.

That's 17 weeks a semester, 4 semesters. After all I have been through - that seems a pittance to pay to get that much closer to the dream that should have died a decade ago. I believe in Fate and Provenance, so if you are a realist this post is not really for you - here's the deal:

As an undergrad I actually started at Longwood, then transferred to William and Mary midway through. Only to come back to Longwood to COMPLETE the Master's degree. Now, as a possible doctoral student, I am admitted to Catholic, a school where I began my master's work - I believe this is to bring me full circle and to complete the PhD. Call me Dr. Spooky - but I don't think this is an accident in my life. I think I'm supposed to finish what I began.

SO - here's where you come in. My husband is not against my doing this, he actually supports me - but only if I can assure him that we can make it financially. I know Catholic will give me some assistance, but they are not going to make up the $49,000. And as I'm working full time and overtime trying to make extra cash to pay down debt, I don't have the time to properly research this, even though it is mine to do. So what I need is to ask for an audacious thing from you all - I need to ask you to throw at me everything you've got in terms of suggestions for financial aid for English PhDs - grants and so forth, I'm already piled in student loans - to cover about $30,000 for two years.

I figure, a couple hundred heads are better than one...

Please help me get there!!!!! I swear, I'll pay you back with every collegial assistance I am capable of providing when we are all professors on tenure track, including outside LORs for your file, invites to panels for conferences - whatever I have to throw in your direction. I believe in pay it forward, as much as I believe in Fate...so, that's it. I've laid it out there. Trust me, it takes a lot of courage and determination (and desperation and blind faith) to be willing to post something like this in a public forum...please help me out!!

[Branwen daughter of Llyr]

Hmm.

I haven't even STARTED looking at external fellowships - so my first question is - how large is the stipend? (do you know yet)?

But here is a list of things I've randomly found when researching schools:

Medieval Academy of America: http://www.medievala...ts_schallek.htm - offers a $30,000 fellowship for one year of study in any Late Medieval field. - They also have additional prizes and grants, so read deeply

Check out the Ford Foundation - http://www.fordfound.org/ - they have fellowships for applicants committed to a career in teaching and research at the university level (for all fields).

Check out this article: http://www.gradschoo...ships/1676.html - many fellowships and grants listed.

Check out this: http://www.isi.org/p...ellowships.html

And this: http://www.radcliffe.edu/bunting/apply.htm (for women in scholarship, creativity, and social activism, what ever that means. You're a woman scholar. You can apply).

Check out Teachers-Teachers.com for part time teaching positions in the DC area.

Tutor English for ESL students.

Tutor at the writing center.

Also, talk to the people at Catholic - they may know about a lot more funding out there!

(you know this means I'll be asking you to review my writing sample over the summer, right?? )

Edited March 2, 2010 by Branwen daughter of Llyr

[Medievalmaniac]

Hmm.

I haven't even STARTED looking at external fellowships - so my first question is - how large is the stipend? (do you know yet)?

But here is a list of things I've randomly found when researching schools:

Medieval Academy of America: http://www.medievala...ts_schallek.htm - offers a $30,000 fellowship for one year of study in any Late Medieval field. - They also have additional prizes and grants, so read deeply

Check out the Ford Foundation - http://www.fordfound.org/ - they have fellowships for applicants committed to a career in teaching and research at the university level (for all fields).

Check out this article: http://www.gradschoo...ships/1676.html - many fellowships and grants listed.

Check out this: http://www.isi.org/p...ellowships.html

And this: http://www.radcliffe...nting/apply.htm (for women in scholarship, creativity, and social activism, what ever that means. You're a woman scholar. You can apply).

Check out Teachers-Teachers.com for part time teaching positions in the DC area.

Tutor English for ESL students.

Tutor at the writing center.

Also, talk to the people at Catholic - they may know about a lot more funding out there!

(you know this means I'll be asking you to review my writing sample over the summer, right?? )

Thank you! I've looked into all of them and, unfortunately, the deadlines have passed. BUT, there is definitely at least one that fully pertains to my situation (the ISI fellowship) and to which I will totally make application next year.

In the meanwhile...hmmmmm, what the heck can I sell to pay off the credit cards, anyhow? :huh::huh:

[Sparky]

In the meanwhile...hmmmmm, what the heck can I sell to pay off the credit cards, anyhow?

Eh, how many kids does a person really need, anyway...

Joking aside, though, you have an MA, right? My mom got her BA-MA-PhD while I was in elementary school and junior high. She taught part-time at an elementary school while working on her MA, then once she had the MA, worked as an adjunct at a community college while doing PhD coursework and writing her dissertation. It wasn't quite as much as her previous salary had been, but it was enough to make it possible. Maybe you could check into options along those lines? Also, teaching GRE (or even SAT...) prep classes is a boring but useful way to make some money.

[soxpuppet]

Eh, how many kids does a person really need, anyway...

Joking aside, though, you have an MA, right? My mom got her BA-MA-PhD while I was in elementary school and junior high. She taught part-time at an elementary school while working on her MA, then once she had the MA, worked as an adjunct at a community college while doing PhD coursework and writing her dissertation. It wasn't quite as much as her previous salary had been, but it was enough to make it possible. Maybe you could check into options along those lines? Also, teaching GRE (or even SAT...) prep classes is a boring but useful way to make some money.

Careful though - some programs don't let you take outside work while on fellowship, etc., at least without prior approval. So if you're looking for external work while in the program, make sure that's even allowed.

[Branwen daughter of Llyr]

Thank you! I've looked into all of them and, unfortunately, the deadlines have passed. BUT, there is definitely at least one that fully pertains to my situation (the ISI fellowship) and to which I will totally make application next year.

In the meanwhile...hmmmmm, what the heck can I sell to pay off the credit cards, anyhow? :huh::huh:

I actually doubt there are many fellowships out there with deadlines that haven't passed - so this was more for your second year.

I would recommend looking for a part time teaching job - there is a HUGE need for teachers in high school now, someone with your experience should have no trouble. Also, teaching community college could work as well, as Sparky mentioned - you should look into NOVA (or even George Mason - they always need extra comp instructors) for that. Hmm... Private tutoring is always good cash - either for SAT related stuff, ESL, kids that want to get into AP classes, hey, you should even advertise helping to get app material for college together, editing essays, and whatever else the app package has to include (usually a personal essay and a "school" essay with a given question, right?) DC Metro is HUGE - I'm sure you'll find a way to make ends meet! Be as creative as possible! (wow, I just got homesick for northern VA. oh dear.)

[PaperChaser]

Hey, Gang -

OK, so look: I'm laying this one on the line, because it's my best shot. Many of you already know my story, or part of it: I graduated from William & Mary w/a degree in French & Education in 1997, went into grad school for interdisciplinary French/medieval studies at American and Catholic U's (consortium) in 1999, went through an ugly, stalker-y separation and divorce from "Mr. Right" and had to put my dream of finishing grad school on hold (at that time, I thought, forever). Ended up turning it all around, teaching, getting married, having a daughter, and finally, having the chance to go back to school in 2006, BUT they wouldn't take my transfer credits because I applied a few months after the 5 year cut off (yes: MONTHS - that still upsets me a little...lol) Worked full time, parenting, while going to school. Gave birth to my second daughter mid-semester, took the week of the actual birth off, came back the following Monday, and never missed another class. Straight As as a master's student, despite teaching 6 classes a term, five terms a year, at a year-round school. I have already taken 17 MA level courses - two short of the required number for most doctoral programs. I've presented papers at 8 conferences, 7 of them medieval, and published quite a bit. One of those papers, I gave at the International Medieval Congress, on the day of my graduation from my Master's Program...in honor of my Father, who had passed away from Stage 4 prostate cancer the weekend prior.

In short, I am a medievalist, and I have what it takes to get this stupid PhD. I have absolutely paid, paid, paid my dues.

Wow, I'm exhausted just reading that...lol

So, here's the deal: it looks like neither of the schools within driving distance of my home is going to come through for me - already rejected at UNC, implicitly so at UVA. My family can't move because of the economy and housing market, and because my husband is the managing editor of a local paper and noooot likely to get as good a job in journalism anywhere else right now. BUT - I am sitting on an admit, to go to Catholic University, and to study dragons in literature with Lilla Kopar.

It's five hours from here to Washington, D.C. We're talking four semesters of coursework to get to ABD status from where I am now with my MA coursework in hand. I can't let that go. I can't let my dream die. FOUR SEMESTERS to ABD, and then I can write my dissertation from anywhere.

I would have to walk away from a $49,000.00 / year job to attend Catholic, and it would have to be a commuter marriage, with me going up to DC Monday afternoons, staying through Friday morning, and back for the weekend. Plus all breaks and holidays, of course.

That's 17 weeks a semester, 4 semesters. After all I have been through - that seems a pittance to pay to get that much closer to the dream that should have died a decade ago. I believe in Fate and Provenance, so if you are a realist this post is not really for you - here's the deal:

As an undergrad I actually started at Longwood, then transferred to William and Mary midway through. Only to come back to Longwood to COMPLETE the Master's degree. Now, as a possible doctoral student, I am admitted to Catholic, a school where I began my master's work - I believe this is to bring me full circle and to complete the PhD. Call me Dr. Spooky - but I don't think this is an accident in my life. I think I'm supposed to finish what I began.

SO - here's where you come in. My husband is not against my doing this, he actually supports me - but only if I can assure him that we can make it financially. I know Catholic will give me some assistance, but they are not going to make up the $49,000. And as I'm working full time and overtime trying to make extra cash to pay down debt, I don't have the time to properly research this, even though it is mine to do. So what I need is to ask for an audacious thing from you all - I need to ask you to throw at me everything you've got in terms of suggestions for financial aid for English PhDs - grants and so forth, I'm already piled in student loans - to cover about $30,000 for two years.

I figure, a couple hundred heads are better than one...

Please help me get there!!!!! I swear, I'll pay you back with every collegial assistance I am capable of providing when we are all professors on tenure track, including outside LORs for your file, invites to panels for conferences - whatever I have to throw in your direction. I believe in pay it forward, as much as I believe in Fate...so, that's it. I've laid it out there. Trust me, it takes a lot of courage and determination (and desperation and blind faith) to be willing to post something like this in a public forum...please help me out!!

I'm in a different position from you (more debt! no family!) but I totally feel your "finance my dream, America!" Here are some ideas that have worked for me or someone else I respect/trust. FWIW, I'm also finishing law school and do a ton of "financial restructuring" to help clients avoid bankruptcy.

1. Shamelessly grovel. I'm Catholic (lapsed, but the guilt's still there), and if any group is susceptible to "help me now and it's less time in purgatory!" it's Catholics. ASK for more money. Negotiate. You'd be surprised how often ASKING works. And asking ain't stealing. If you can get a personal audience with a FinAid person at Catholic, use your persuasive skills. It's a lot harder to say no in person than via email.

2. If you haven't already, refinance your home unless the loan closing costs would end up costing you more than you'd save. If you don't have a HELOC (home equity line of credit), you can probably get one. Will you ever be able to pay it back? Probably not. But neither will most of America, so you'll be fine.

3. Become a professional housesitter for "snowbirds" and the retired government workers. Many federal jobs (FBI, DOJ, etc) have mandatory retirement at 57 1/2, so people keep their condos and travel a lot or buy a second home and live and work (a second career) part of the year away from DC. No one wants to leave their dwelling uninhabited/dirty/ripe for theft for 3-6 months, so if you get a reputation for being a good housesitter, you can easily develop a network of essentially free housing Ditto for pet-sitting. Hell, I'm $150k in debt and still manage to pay my dog-sitter because my dog just loooooooves her!

4. Find a SES program where you can tutor. Depending on the program, you can make $20-45/hour to tutor. Certified teachers are obviously at the higher end, but the time commitment is generally 8-10 hours per week after (kids') school. SES programs are federally funded, so some of them are VERY desperate to find qualified people. I've found that the individual programs are usually pretty willing to negotiate fees/hours if you're qualified and VERY willing to meet your demands if you have a teaching license (doesn't have to be active). The key, though, is SES, because it's Title I money that the schools don't get unless they use it for SES.

5. If you're multi-lingual, do private tutoring. There's a market for every language! High school kids trying to get into fancy colleges needs 5's on their AP French exams (or whatever)...

6. Can you become a one-car family? DC has great public transport and encourages ride-sharing...if you're making payments on two cars and two sets of insurance...consider letting one go if you can possibly do without it.

7. Cut out expenses you and your family don't need. (I know that sounds obvious, but I look at a lot of bankruptcy pre-filings only to see that the debtors made $500 a month in unnecessary payments...) Make a budget, see where you can cut back, bite the bullet (bye bye Direct TV), and do it.

8. Sign up for a medical study that PAYS. That said, don't sign up for one that's a freak experiment. If you have a legit health issue that you are willing to let med students study (IBS, depression, acne, whatever), you can be quite well-compensated for your time. There are listservs that have ongoing "participant seeking" studies. I've done it...I can't complain about $50 for an hour a week and better skin.

9. If you're under 35 (and willing), you may be able to "assist in fertility treatments." Some people find this morally sketchy; I personally don't. The threshold for "eligibility" tends to be pretty high---your "egg value" is determined by your family history, current and past medical history, height, weight, body type, eye color, IQ/test scores, etc. For someone 5'8 and 120 lbs with blonde hair, blue eyes, and a 95th percentile SAT score....your eggs are worth $5k a pop. The rest of us? $1500-3000. But that's still a lot.

10. Hit up family and extended family. (You probably already have.) You may already have a lot of debt, but if you've kept up with Obama's student loan changes, you may find taking out student loans less onerous than they once were.

Those are just the first ten things that came to my mind, but I hope at least one of them helps. Follow your dream....

[Medievalmaniac]

9. If you're under 35 (and willing), you may be able to "assist in fertility treatments." Some people find this morally sketchy; I personally don't. The threshold for "eligibility" tends to be pretty high---your "egg value" is determined by your family history, current and past medical history, height, weight, body type, eye color, IQ/test scores, etc. For someone 5'8 and 120 lbs with blonde hair, blue eyes, and a 95th percentile SAT score....your eggs are worth $5k a pop. The rest of us? $1500-3000. But that's still a lot.

10. Hit up family and extended family. (You probably already have.) You may already have a lot of debt, but if you've kept up with Obama's student loan changes, you may find taking out student loans less onerous than they once were.

Those are just the first ten things that came to my mind, but I hope at least one of them helps. Follow your dream....

I am not going to lie to you - I definitely already thought about selling my eggs....but, I mean, I'm now 35 years old, and so are they... Still - my kids are really freakin cute and SMART...lol 'Course, I can only take credit for half of that! lol

I already have a line in to DC community college for adjunct work and am going to flood the other community colleges in the area with my CV. I also already have a place to stay, free of charge, during the week. But my husband is being "supportive but not supportive" now. He doesn't think we can do it, and as long as I present him with a workable course of action he will be OK with it...but every other night, we are fighting about the money side of it. I'm so tired. Last night I fell asleep trying to grade final exams, which are due this morning at 8 a.m. I think I am starting to fall into depression- depressed because I am accepted to a program I actually would like to attend. That's a new one.

It's not like I don't know how hard this is going to be. He keeps haring on the money and how the kids need me and he wants me around in his life. The girls are 5 and 3. They are going to NEED me in about two years when the 5 almost 6 year old is a tween. And I'm not abandoning them, I would be home Friday afternoon through Monday afternoon, every weekend, plus holidays and summers. For two stupid years. The killer of all of this is, if it were him and the roles were reversed, I would not bat an eye. I'd just say "yes, let's go." He keeps talking about how much the schools here suck, etc. etc. He's a journalist. If he really wanted to, if he weren't afraid, he'd totally move to DC and take a shot at things up there with me. Instead he wants to stay here and he really REALLY wants me to say "You know, honey, never mind. The degree never really meant all that much to me anyway. I'll just settle for this, relinquish my dreams, and grow old with you." But I'll never say that. And if this falls through, I won't hate him, but I think I may well despise myself - and is that any better?

And I'm tired of other people saying "Well you should have thought of that before having kids". I DID. This is the perfect window to go for broke in their lives, too. there are people all over this country, all over the civilized world, who do this and make it work.

GAH. I'm rambling - off to get coffee.

[Branwen daughter of Llyr]

I am not going to lie to you - I definitely already thought about selling my eggs....but, I mean, I'm now 35 years old, and so are they... Still - my kids are really freakin cute and SMART...lol 'Course, I can only take credit for half of that! lol

I already have a line in to DC community college for adjunct work and am going to flood the other community colleges in the area with my CV. I also already have a place to stay, free of charge, during the week. But my husband is being "supportive but not supportive" now. He doesn't think we can do it, and as long as I present him with a workable course of action he will be OK with it...but every other night, we are fighting about the money side of it. I'm so tired. Last night I fell asleep trying to grade final exams, which are due this morning at 8 a.m. I think I am starting to fall into depression- depressed because I am accepted to a program I actually would like to attend. That's a new one.

It's not like I don't know how hard this is going to be. He keeps haring on the money and how the kids need me and he wants me around in his life. The girls are 5 and 3. They are going to NEED me in about two years when the 5 almost 6 year old is a tween. And I'm not abandoning them, I would be home Friday afternoon through Monday afternoon, every weekend, plus holidays and summers. For two stupid years. The killer of all of this is, if it were him and the roles were reversed, I would not bat an eye. I'd just say "yes, let's go." He keeps talking about how much the schools here suck, etc. etc. He's a journalist. If he really wanted to, if he weren't afraid, he'd totally move to DC and take a shot at things up there with me. Instead he wants to stay here and he really REALLY wants me to say "You know, honey, never mind. The degree never really meant all that much to me anyway. I'll just settle for this, relinquish my dreams, and grow old with you." But I'll never say that. And if this falls through, I won't hate him, but I think I may well despise myself - and is that any better?

And I'm tired of other people saying "Well you should have thought of that before having kids". I DID. This is the perfect window to go for broke in their lives, too. there are people all over this country, all over the civilized world, who do this and make it work.

GAH. I'm rambling - off to get coffee.

I so feel for you, hon. Has he even considered sending out job applications to DC papers? It is the home of The Washington Post, after all, the wet dream of every journalist in the US (aside from the NY Times, of course). Just to test the waters - see if he gets any bites?

And you just reminded me why I'm so, so, so, so happy that I'm single (despite not having someone to cuddle with at night). After two rounds of putting my hopes and dreams on the sideline because of an guy (not even a husband - they start their BS at the boyfriend stage) - I vowed never again. This is the downside of any relationship - their fears and insecurities can literally wreck your life, in a roundabout way. Don't give up. I mean it. He knew this could happen, right? that you would be accepted in out-of-area schools and not in the locals? Or was he in a fantasyland and just didn't think about it too much?

And to all those who say that you should have thought about this before having kids - a marriage is a two-way street, as is parenting. Single mothers around the globe get through BA's, MA's and PhDs. And a marriage MUST leave room and space for individual dreams and hopes. Maybe someone will dismiss my words, saying "oh, she doesn't have kids, what does she know." Well, my mom finished her BA when i was a baby. My mom AND my dad were in grad school until I was 6. Anything is possible when you put your mind to it, and children are a whole lot more resilient than we give them credit for.

Keep your chin up! You can make this work, I know it!

[Medievalmaniac]

He knew this could happen, right? that you would be accepted in out-of-area schools and not in the locals? Or was he in a fantasyland and just didn't think about it too much?

No...I think he expected that I would get in at UNC or UVA, and that if I didn't, I would just say "OK, well, I tried. Moving on." But neither of us actually thought I would get in at the other schools....it was a "well, you're applying, why dont we just see what happens" thing. But in the end - I don't think he has to make this so hard. I wouldn't have applied if I didn't really, REALLY think we could make it work, and he's just making it so much more complicated than it has to be. And, all the stress of fighting with him is making it impossible for me to focus on grading papers or doing much of anything workwise, SIGH. I had a stack of finals to score last night - ended up arguing with him, got into a screaming match, utterly exhausted myself and fell asleep over the second exam. This just sucks, and I hate it. I'm sitting on an admit anyone would be glad to have (OK, maybe not anyone, but a lot of people) and it IS doable...why can't he just relax and be happy instead of overcomplicating it?

[Nighthob]

I want to say something helpful. I want to tell you that I have the perfect idea that will make everything better and ensure bliss for your whole family. I want to, but I can't.

I highly recommend that you and your husband sit down with a trained therapist who can help you navigate the situation and ask questions you or he may not have thought of before. If nothing else, sometimes it's good to have a neutral party listen to all the concerns. And look, I'm not trying to be Miss Mary Sunshine or anything. Relationships are hard enough without the added stress of something like the upheavals of grad school. But, I believe that if both people genuinely want what's best for each other, they'll find a way to make the dreams work.

All my best wishes for you.

[Medievalmaniac]

I want to say something helpful. I want to tell you that I have the perfect idea that will make everything better and ensure bliss for your whole family. I want to, but I can't.

I highly recommend that you and your husband sit down with a trained therapist who can help you navigate the situation and ask questions you or he may not have thought of before. If nothing else, sometimes it's good to have a neutral party listen to all the concerns. And look, I'm not trying to be Miss Mary Sunshine or anything. Relationships are hard enough without the added stress of something like the upheavals of grad school. But, I believe that if both people genuinely want what's best for each other, they'll find a way to make the dreams work.

All my best wishes for you.

Oh, Sweetie, of course you can't - because there are no guarantees. We don't have any guarantees that things will be great even if I don't do this - hell, we could both lose our jobs tomorrow, the house could burn down, a tornado could blitz through (we're now in season here). That, of course, is the whole point - the whole game of life is a craps shoot at best, blind luck at worst. The only guarantee I have right now of anything is a letter that says "you have earned the right to go for it."

But I agree with you - if both people want what's best for each other, they will find a way to make it work. In my experience, everything I have ever done has turned out in the end...and I trust that. He did, too, up until this point. I GET his fears, I just don't SHARE them...does that make sense?

The whole thing is utterly depressing...I think I'm the only person in the country who got an admit to a program I'd be glad to be a part of, and is currently feeling like a miserable, defeated failure because I was accepted. I don't think that's fair at all. And I think if he loves me as much as he says he does, he should see that, especially in light of my past experiences with being held back through no fault of my own. I do not think this is impossible, if we work together. We've always come out on top before.

SIGH. Single people, be delighted with your lot.

[PaperChaser]

Oh, Sweetie, of course you can't - because there are no guarantees. We don't have any guarantees that things will be great even if I don't do this - hell, we could both lose our jobs tomorrow, the house could burn down, a tornado could blitz through (we're now in season here). That, of course, is the whole point - the whole game of life is a craps shoot at best, blind luck at worst. The only guarantee I have right now of anything is a letter that says "you have earned the right to go for it."

But I agree with you - if both people want what's best for each other, they will find a way to make it work. In my experience, everything I have ever done has turned out in the end...and I trust that. He did, too, up until this point. I GET his fears, I just don't SHARE them...does that make sense?

The whole thing is utterly depressing...I think I'm the only person in the country who got an admit to a program I'd be glad to be a part of, and is currently feeling like a miserable, defeated failure because I was accepted. I don't think that's fair at all. And I think if he loves me as much as he says he does, he should see that, especially in light of my past experiences with being held back through no fault of my own. I do not think this is impossible, if we work together. We've always come out on top before.

SIGH. Single people, be delighted with your lot.

I won't lie, I don't mind being single when it comes to making decisions like this! I think you should say to your husband what you've said to us:

"I GET YOUR FEARS. [Validate him.] HOWEVER, I have a dream. [You married me, so now it's OUR dream, so get used to it.] I will be unhappy with myself and eventually with you if I do not at least give it a TRY. I understand that this means we BOTH have to make sacrifices. I am willing to make the necessary sacrifices on my end; will you TAKE A CHANCE and TRY for [insert realistic time period] so that I don't have to spend the rest of my life kicking myself for not taking this opportunity? I'm willing to make these sacrifices for [period of time] to see if I/we can make it work. Can you agree to do the same?"

If your time period is three years and he says no [with a legit reason], you need to back down to a shorter time period. How about three semesters? One school year? Ask him to participate in this venture LONG ENOUGH for you to determine if it's feasible. He'll counter with "what's the point of doing it for a year?" You then say "so I can tell if WE can make it work or if it's too hard on us/the kids but in order to be fair to us AND the kids, I need to KNOW that I gave it my best shot." It sounds like you have your ducks in a row and what's keeping you back is his opinion and reluctance to support you in this. Ask him to elaborate on WHY he has x, y, and z reservations, and then address those. You said it best yourself: "we've always come out on top before." This should be no different.