Commuting for a PhD...with kids?

[JustPoesieAlong]

Hi! I am beyond pleased to have been accepted to my dream school with full funding and tuition waiver. However, my husband just found out that the closest job opening (he's transferring to the area) is 1.5-2 hours away from my school. We have two kids, one in daycare and one in elementary school. We're planning on looking for housing at a middle point, or one that may be slightly closer for me--since my days will be at least a little more flexible for things that would come up with the kids. I would be looking at a commute of 90 minutes total a day, as long as traffic doesn't go bonkers (which it most certainly will at least every now and then...) and 2 hours total for my husband. 

Is anyone looking at a similar situation or have experience with commuting with kids?

My primary concern is just having both of us that far away from the kids if they need us. I know people do it, but it gives me lots of worry to think of what we'd do if there were some sort of emergency...

Secondary concern is obviously finances. We've been in a situation where one of us commutes, but never both. We spent a ton in gas money then, not to mention the wear and tear the main commuter vehicle. I can't imagine how much more expensive it'll be with both of us doing it. My husband worked about 45 minutes to an hour out of town when I was doing my master's. We'll be making more than we did then, but it's still going to be really, really tight. 

I'm hoping that 1) this is temporary and that he'll be able to find something closer after a year or so and 2) that I can arrange my schedule so that I'm not commuting every day. 

Anyway, I'd love to hear from anyone else with a similar dilemma and/or experience in this area!

Thanks! 

[rising_star]

So, I've never done it. But, one thing you might consider is having your kids in school/daycare closer to where you're doing your PhD in case something comes up and you need to pick them up during the day. I know faculty who have that kind of commute and that's what they've done to negotiate things. I would also definitely talk to the DGS and whomever is involved in TA assignments to make sure they're aware of your situation. Hopefully, they'll be willing to work with you on the scheduling so that you don't have to commute every day and that your teaching times work with your childcare arrangements. Good luck!

[JustPoesieAlong]

9 hours ago, rising_star said:

I would also definitely talk to the DGS and whomever is involved in TA assignments to make sure they're aware of your situation. Hopefully, they'll be willing to work with you on the scheduling so that you don't have to commute every day and that your teaching times work with your childcare arrangements.

Thank you for your reply! I have definitely been thinking about how to approach this with the program. I get anxious about bringing up the fact that I have kids--even though I know I can be both a kick ass student and a parent, I'm always afraid schools will think less of me as a candidate. Anyway, I need to get over that. I was thinking about sending the DGS an email, but I'm going to visit in April and thought that it might be better to have the conversation in person. 

[rising_star]

I think an in person conversation makes sense. That said, if the program isn't supportive, that tells you a lot.

[lemma]

I commute for about 50-70 minutes each way, because I don't drive. I don't have kids, but this sort of commute is hard for me, because I spend very different hours in the office to my colleagues (they leave at 7pm or later, I leave at 5pm so that I get the peak hour trains. I get in at 8-8.30 in the morning though and am always the first person in by a long way). 

Commuting that much will be exhausting. It has been for me. As an English PhD, I'm guessing you can do your homework for coursework at home and also can conduct research outside of your office? Flag this early on. One of my supervisors doesn't care when I'm in the office so long as I get the work done, and the other supervisor is adamant that I spend most days on campus.

If I had the flexibility to move closer to campus I would, but that wasn't really an option. 

[Yanaka]

On 23/03/2018 at 8:11 PM, lemma said:

I commute for about 50-70 minutes each way, because I don't drive. I don't have kids, but this sort of commute is hard for me, because I spend very different hours in the office to my colleagues (they leave at 7pm or later, I leave at 5pm so that I get the peak hour trains. I get in at 8-8.30 in the morning though and am always the first person in by a long way). 

Commuting that much will be exhausting. It has been for me. As an English PhD, I'm guessing you can do your homework for coursework at home and also can conduct research outside of your office? Flag this early on. One of my supervisors doesn't care when I'm in the office so long as I get the work done, and the other supervisor is adamant that I spend most days on campus.

If I had the flexibility to move closer to campus I would, but that wasn't really an option. 

I'm interested in this option with a similar commute time. Which year are you in now? What kind of difficulties does living so far away pose to you? Is it detrimental to you fitting in more in the program?

[lemma]

7 hours ago, Yanaka said:

I'm interested in this option with a similar commute time. Which year are you in now? What kind of difficulties does living so far away pose to you? Is it detrimental to you fitting in more in the program?

I'm a first year (in a 3-4 year program). The main difficulties I've had relate to the exhaustion of commuting, as well as the mental tax when the commute doesn't go well. Train delays and cancellations are extremely common, especially as I take three modes of transport to get in. I've also heard that people driving run into similar frustrations, because traffic delays at peak hour (particularly if there is an accident) can be frustrating. Also, not all students on my campus can purchase parking permits, due to supply and demand imbalances. 

The social part is an interesting one. I live with my partner, whereas pretty much everyone else in my year is single (most have never been in a relationship). I'm also the only domestic student, despite living in a lot of different countries prior to coming home. So far, I haven't felt any social issues, but my program may not be the most social one (the people are lovely though) and I've made an effort to initiate some social stuff. I can see that there could be issues down the line, because pretty much everyone else lives in the same suburb, so if people organise get-togethers it's too far for me to travel on weekends. Or if people do touristy stuff, I'm not sure I'd want to join. I spend most of my time with my partner anyway, and I have childhood friends and family in this city, so even if my program isn't all that social, I have that to support me. 

Commuting also means that I can't work in my office on weekends, so have to make sure that my partner gets that I have to focus at home (we live in a one bedroom apartment with little space). He's pretty good about that, but he's human, and sometimes doesn't realise whether I'm under a lot of pressure. I try not to make him stressed on my behalf (he has enough in his work life), so I don't talk too much about my workload to him, so that's probably on me. 

[Yanaka]

Thanks, @lemma! I think yes the issue is train cancelations and delays especially in our East Coast winter, but I wouldn't be using Amtrak because they are just a ridiculous nightmare. Interesting that you don't socialize more with your programs! It seems to really vary.