Second Thoughts

[rogue]

So, I got into a few schools and narrowed my choices to two top contenders. School A is in the city where I currently live, is a top-ranked program (literally #1) at an Ivy League institution, offered very generous funding, has a good track record of students publishing and a shorter average time to degree. School B is in a city where I've been dying to live, is a top 30 program at a large public university, offered less funding (but very generous for them), but more teaching responsibilities and a longer average time to degree. School B was pressuring me to make a decision so they could offer my funding to someone else if I wasn't going to take it. Last week, I committed to School A and very sadly turned down B's offer.

Fast forward one week. I'm still sad about my decision, and to compound things, my girlfriend just got a sweet job offer in the city where School B is (which is two hours away from where we are now... and where I will presumably be for the next four to five years). I'm kicking myself for not choosing School B now. It's too late, though, isn't it? I mean, I'll look like an idiot if I call them and try to change my mind now, right? And the funding situation... I guess I'd have to go on the wait list for funding now, if they would even consider me.

Am I just being ridiculous about the whole situation? What would you do if you were me?

[so47]

I think the best thing to do would be to call them ASAP. Tell them you thought you were making the most practical and logical choice, but have since had major second thoughts and realized that you would be happier in their program over the one you accepted. They may or may not still have funding for you, but try it. Just don't withdraw from School A until you find out if School B will still fund you.

[origin415]

While its pretty rude to change your mind after committing to school A, there isn't much you they can do about it if B will take you still. I would stand back and think about this longer though, turning down more funding and a better reputed program just for a better city and a girlfriend I would definitely not do. Things you should consider are how bad the commute would be, only two hours away means weekends together at the very least, and how firm is her decision to move to B's city, can she move to you?

To answer your question, if I were you, I would go to A. I wouldn't gimp my career trajectory because I like the location a bit less.

[ScreamingHairyArmadillo]

Stick with A. Better funding and track record? Your girlfriend will not be very far away if she takes the job.

It sucks to turn down another attractive offer (which are often attractive for different reasons), but don't let it get you down.

[Jade]

No, don't do anything.

The only appealing thing you wrote about the second school is that you want to live in that city. You can move there after you graduate.

As far as the girlfriend situation, two hours is not bad. You should be focused on school anyway and the distance is just long enough to do that. She's choosing her own path by moving to city B; you need to choose yours . She's your girlfriend; not your wife.

(I sound harsh, I know. But I read # 1 school, ivy league, good funding and shorter time to graduate and thought "what's the problem?" You'll do great.)

[johndiligent]

I think School A was honestly the better option and I think you're just experiencing a bit of buyer's remorse. And if it's about your girlfriend, she's only going to be a few hours away. Try not to stress, I think you made the right choice.

No matter what choice you make, you're giving up the alternative, and as a result, you're going to feel a bit down about what might have been. But you can only pick one school and you can only make the best choice based on the best information you had at the time you made it.

[yoshimoshi]

No, don't do anything.

The only appealing thing you wrote about the second school is that you want to live in that city. You can move there after you graduate.

As far as the girlfriend situation, two hours is not bad. You should be focused on school anyway and the distance is just long enough to do that. She's choosing her own path by moving to city B; you need to choose yours . She's your girlfriend; not your wife.

(I sound harsh, I know. But I read # 1 school, ivy league, good funding and shorter time to graduate and thought "what's the problem?" You'll do great.)

nice selfless advice

[red_crayons]

Two hours is close enough to spend almost every weekend together. One weekend you go to her place, the next she comes to you...

[rogue]

Thanks, guys. I guess I'll stick with my choice. Sometimes I just need to be bitch slapped and/or reassured through the interwebs.

[RNadine21]

I'm glad you're sticking with your decision. I watched a friend face a similar decision (follow her heart/dream school or her boyfriend) and she's following her boyfriend. I won't go into details, but she's basically become a bitter bitch and is taking it out on others.

Two hours is alright, and if it's meant to be then you guys will do whatever possible to make it work. Good luck!

[rising_star]

I vote for sticking with your original choice.

True story (that I don't think I've ever told here, which is shocking considering how many posts I've made [1500+?]): I was awarded an external fellowship for School B around June, having already committed to School A on 4/14 (or 4/15). I gave serious consideration to changing to School B, particularly since I was torn between A & B when making my initial decision, liked the people at B, and was having some misgivings about A (didn't want to move across the country, bleak univ financial outlook due to the recession). I even went so far as to talk to School B about the feasibility of switching and they said it would be fine, provided I got a release from School A. Ultimately, I decided to stick with my original decision to go to A because I knew it was the most pragmatic decision. I've had moments of regret in the 1.5+ years that I've been here but I know deep down inside that sticking with A was the right decision.

In other words, stick with the Ivy. See your girlfriend on the weekends/breaks/vacations/etc. See if you can schedule three-day weekends for yourself so you'll have more time to spend with her. And then graduate more quickly so you aren't 2 hours apart for as long!

Or, and this would be even cooler but even less likely, could you possibly take a class at the school in your gf's new city? See if there's some kind of exchange program. Then, you'd get the faculty of both schools and have an excuse to be in that city once a week.