Relationships and PhD programs

[IoneMacaroni]

I've applied to several PhD programs in Counseling Psychology already and now reality is starting to set in. I'm so worried about finances and time commitment and now my serious boyfriend has expressed serious concern, too. 

Me and him are about 5 years apart. I'm 24 and he's turning 30 in March. I've been dreaming of obtaining my PhD since undergrad, but now I'm not even sure what to do. My partner shared with me that he's been thinking more about the sacrifices we would have to make if I get accepted somewhere. He's worried about money, time, and wants to have kids in 5 years, which honestly I do too. But he wanted these next 5 years to be a chance to get financially secure and travel. I'm considering deferring enrollment for a year if I get accepted somewhere so we can enjoy some of that freedom before I start.

Is it possible to get financially secure in a doctoral program? Will I have free time to enjoy with my boyfriend once I start a PhD program? Can we travel? What have been your experiences with maintaining a relationship and making sure you and your partner are happy?

 

[slouching]

First, this kind of thing has been a frequent topic of discussion on these boards, so I'd encourage you to look around and read some older threads where this has been addressed.

1 hour ago, IoneMacaroni said:

Is it possible to get financially secure in a doctoral program? Will I have free time to enjoy with my boyfriend once I start a PhD program? Can we travel? What have been your experiences with maintaining a relationship and making sure you and your partner are happy?

1. Your financial situation in grad school depends a lot on things like location, lifestyle, and how good your funding package is. Before grad school, I lived in one of the most expensive cities in the country, made barely over minimum wage, and barely scraped by. As a grad student, I make about as much as I did before, but I now live somewhere with a significantly lower cost of living, so in a lot of ways, things have improved. But there seem to be somewhat varying levels of financial security within my cohort, for a variety of reasons--for example, I'm the only one without a car, which saves me a lot of money, but is also an inconvenience. Think about your priorities, what you're willing to sacrifice, etc. When you're deciding where to attend, you'll want to compare funding packages and really consider how livable those amounts are for each place you're considering. 

2. Plenty of people have maintained healthy, happy relationships with their partners while in grad school. Does it present some challenges? Sure, but part of being in a relationship is figuring out how to navigate challenges together. I think this is one area in which it helps to approach grad school as a job. Because it's not a 9-5 job, and because it's a job in which we tend to tie our success to our self-worth, it can be easy to get sucked into toxic ways of thinking, like feeling guilty for spending time on anything that's not work. But it's critically important to give yourself time for other things, whether that's hobbies, seeing friends, or spending time with a partner. If being together is a priority for you both, you will find ways to make it work. It may take some effort to figure out how to best manage your time, but lots of people can tell you that it's doable. 

3. Again, if traveling is important to you, there are ways to make it happen. It also doesn't have to be wildly expensive. For example, some grad students will do a program like WWOOF during summer break. You might also have opportunities to receive funding through your program to do travel that's related to your studies (for example, to attend a conference)--not exactly a vacation, but still.

4. I don't have experience with this, but again, many others do, and lots of them will tell you it's possible. 

[PsyDuck90]

Going to a doctoral program is definitely a huge commitment, and there are sacrifices that every individual in any of these programs has to make in order to attain this goal. The question you need to ask yourself is if the sacrifices you need to make are worth it.

I completely understand how you feel. I am a female and nearing 30, and I just started a clinical psych program (biological clock is ticking like woah). My fiance and I talked at length about my quitting my full time job to go back to school and what that would look like in terms of finances and the day to day. For us, it was ultimately something we felt was worth it due to this being the only way for me to have the career I really want. We are sacrificing starting a family, as that is put on hold while I am still in the program, and our financial situation is more strained than it was when I was working full time. However, we are making it work. 

You have to look at your short-term and long-term goals. The sooner you finish a program, the sooner you can start your career and make money. Your financial situation will be (most likely) crappy for awhile because, lets face it, no stipends allow students to live in the lap of luxury, but it will increase as you get licensed and jump even more so once you are no longer an early-career psychologist. So, what is the time-cost benefit for you? Would you rather try to steady yourself now or make more money on the back-end? Statistics show that for every 2 years of higher education completed, people tend to earn 18% more. 

Also, if you do decide to delay, will you have the motivation to actually go back? 

Only you have the answers to these questions. I would just caution that you do not set aside your personal aspirations for his. 

Relationships in grad school are tough. My fiance and I live together, but our schedules are conflicting. I often get home when he is already asleep, and he leaves before I get up. We make time for each other on weekends. We were honest with each other about the potential realities of the situation and how much it may suck for the next 5 years. However, for us, the right decision was for me to pursue the degree. Having doubts is normal, but you need to think deeply about why you are having these thoughts. Is it the fear of change? Is it you not being invested in this career path anymore? These are all really hard questions you need to answer for yourself. 

[juilletmercredi]

It's good that you are considering these things.

Whether you can get financially secure depends on what that means to you and how much your partner makes. In a counseling psychology PhD program, you can probably expect to earn between $25K and $35K as a stipend. In most cities and college towns, that's enough to get by but not enough to set the world on fire in terms of investing, buying a home, saving for retirement, etc. You can travel in a doctoral program, too, but how much and to where depends a lot on your financial priorities and your partner's salary. You probably won't be taking twice-yearly trips to Europe - both in terms of time away from the program and your personal finances.

As to whether you'll have free time to enjoy with your boyfriend - you will if you make time for it. You have to be very intentional about creating space for your personal life when you're in a doctoral program, as the doctoral program's work will expand to fill the space you allow it to fill. That may involve creating schedules and hard boundaries for yourself (like I ended my dissertation writing at around 6 pm each evening, no matter how much progress I'd made that day).

I know one couple who was able to set themselves up well financially while one half was in a doctoral program, and had a child; but the other half was a software developer at a very large tech company known for high salaries.

One goal for you to is to examine why you've been 'dreaming' of obtaining a PhD since undergrad. Why? What does that dream mean to you? Lots of people want PhDs for a variety of different reasons, but really the purpose of it is to get you to some career that requires or greatly benefits from having one. Do you want to be a counseling psychologist who sees clients and does therapy? Or do you want to be a psychology professor, and/or a researcher that uses psychology and psychological principles/methods? How important is it to you to have one of those jobs rather than another career that will make you happy and also give you more time, money, and energy to travel and achieve your financial goals? Really dig into yourself and think realistically about other careers you think you might also enjoy, and decide for yourself whether the PhD is more important to you than the other goals you have - or whether you're okay with delaying those other goals for the PhD program.

For a personal anecdote: I did my PhD between ages 22 and 28, and after a postdoc for a year, I started my first full-time shortly after I turned 29. I've been here for a little over 3 years. On the one hand, I really love my job, and I wouldn't have gotten it without a PhD (I'm a researcher in the technology industry). I also did some things in graduate school that I likely wouldn't have easily done had I not gotten a PhD, including 7 years living in New York. On the other hand, I often reflect that I could've gotten a master's in another field I enjoyed - statistics; quantitative methods in the social sciences; even an MBA - and potentially spent those 6 years in my 20s making money, buying a house, having a wedding with the budget I wanted (rather than what I could afford since we were both in school), saving for retirement, traveling, and getting more financially secure. Those things were all delayed to my 30s, and now I'm in the position where I would like to have children soon but I don't feel like I've done most of the things I would've liked to have done before I had children (mostly saving, traveling, and buying a house). But back on the same first hand, I make a lot more money now with my PhD than I probably would've made with any master's I was likely to have gotten (and even if I had gotten an MBA, I would've had to contend with far more debt). I can't decide whether I feel like the sacrifice was worth it, probably because I don't know what I would've actually done had I not gotten a PhD.

I had a long-term partner when I started my program and we got married at the beginning of my fourth year. The first couple years of the doctoral program were rough, both because I had less control over my time and because I hadn't yet put the structures in place to maintain a healthy relationship. My husband described it as me walking around in a "PhD fog" all the time; even when we were alone together, it always seemed like at least half my brain was occupied by the PhD. (I can confirm: that is true.) It got better once I got closer to my dissertation; my time was more flexible and I made the conscious decision that I was going to structure it to give myself more time for personal pursuits and hobbies. I made more time for me and my husband; more time for my friends; I started running and doing yoga and knitting and taught myself how to bake. I will say that I did not feel like a full human being until about year four in my program when I made time to do those things. I wish I had known to do that earlier.

Beware that a lot of programs don't allow you to defer enrollment unless you have a medical or military reason to do so. If you don't want to attend graduate school in fall 2019, don't apply this year - just wait until next fall to apply for 2020.