How to best support an SO during the wait and decision period

[Mirotu]

So I am not actually applying to grad school this year, but I almost feel like I am because I have been very invested in my boyfriend's application process.  This is his second year applying to PhD programs after being rejected/waitlisted last year from all the programs he applied to.  We are hopeful that this year will be better after brushing up his SOP and writing sample, but he has received one rejection so far and his spirits are already a little crushed by it.  I have checked this site frequently (both last year and this year) and know that it can be a great resource for support.  Does anyone have any advice or personal experience with going through this stressful process as a significant other?  

I have great hopes that despite this rough start things will work out for him! On the chance that he doesn't get in again this year I would love some ideas to cheer him up and make the sting of rejection hurt a little less. I know that rejections from programs aren't personal, but they can feel that way and make the recipient lose a lot of self esteem.  Any and all help is appreciated!

[FutureEdPHD]

9 minutes ago, SoftMango123 said:

My partner was rejected from all but two graduate programs three years ago (rejected from all Ph.D.'s, accepted to two M.S. programs). This is his second round applying after finishing his M.S., and my first round applying for MA/Ph.D. programs after finishing undergrad. Needless to say, it's incredibly stressful for both of us, but it helps knowing that we have each other's back and that we're there to support each other and offer laughs, rest, and comfort in all the ways that we can. We also make sure to support, affirm, compliment, praise, encourage, and listen to each other as any other healthy couple would. That's all I think you really can do for your significant other, really, and you sound like you're already being proactive and kind by reaching out to ask this forum for advice.

 I wouldn't suggest telling your partner that the rejections "aren't personal"—or actually, it really just depends on your dynamic, since me and my partner are pretty careful not to "explain" rejections to each other, just mutually bemoan each of our struggles and affirm together that they suck instead of saying something that might make the rejection sound less harmful when it really is, if that makes sense. Just a little communication lesson we've picked up.

Here's an article from the Gottman Institute, a super hetero research institute lead by psychologists John and Jill Gottman, the nation's leading marriage researchers. My partner and I read their books and articles together and we love connecting over their relationship tools. Keep in mind that I'm not a psychologist so I don't know what the field's opinion on their research is—all I know is that reading through their stuff has definitely helped me and my partner's relationship!

Hopefully I've helped. If you have any questions, please ask away! 

This was really helpful! I'm the one going through the application process but my partner is also going through the job search process. His jobs are dependent on where I choose to go to school but since I've only received one acceptance so far, he's starting to feel some stress too. It just hit us that our lease on our current apartment is up in less than 6 months, so all of this is feeling very real VERY fast. 

[Mirotu]

@SoftMango123 Thank you for your response!  I will be sure to check out the article and stay positive.  It can be a natural impulse to try and explain away a rejection, even just to say something in the face of disappointment.  But it will suck regardless and I will fight that urge to hedge it!  I know from last year that nothing I really say will make him feel better about rejection, and it is hard to feel helpless when someone you care about is hurting.  I always feel like there is something I should be doing to be proactive and help, but like you said the only thing you really can do is be there and be supportive.

I have my fingers crossed for you!  It is very exciting thinking about the possibilities for the future, and I hope that everything works out for you and your partner.  It sounds like you have a wonderfully supportive and healthy relationship!