Need help!!

[materialsD]

I am a graduate student doing my second masters in physics after my first one in electrical engineering. I have been through many issues through my graduate student life. It's going to be a long story so if anyone is patient enough to read about through it I will be thankful. I did my undergrads from a public university in applied physics which had really inferior academic quality. To add on that I had to tackle issues in my personal and my family life ( addicted sister causing issues, parents having trouble). I had a long distance relationship with a girl whom I eventually married after starting graduate school. The girl used to go to my country's best engineering school. She had a lot of superiority complexes and put me through a lot of inferiority complex. This became more complicated as both of our families live in the same region and my sister is her sister's best friend. My sister went to their house and had an episode of her mental breakdowns. My girlfriend(present wife) was always very unsupportive. She always picked a fight with me during exams or right before the exams and she always compared me with her friends at her university. Granted I was sort of fat and not as "talented" as her friends or her or her family (her sisters are all very bright in academia). She was publicly ashamed about me (hiding me from her friends most of the time).

I finally pulled myself with the help of some of my friends. Took the gre and got admitted and a tuition waiver. Then started my masters. I wasn't funded at the beginning so I worked on campus. Then I finally got funded after a semester. My girlfriend still continued with her unsupportiveness during this time. I started ignoring her at a point and then she got scared and started pushing me for getting married after I got funding. I thought that after marriage she will change and at least be a little more caring and understanding. So we got married. There were many issues with the marriage and post marriage (like my sister cursing at my wife over the phone because I am not sending money). Those were all taken care of. She started her phd at the same school I am. Although I told her not to come here at all. As I know she is very ambitious and more qualified. I knew she will not like it here and think she deserves better which will hamper everything in our lives. The problem that remained that she still has that superiority complex. Along with that, she has a complete disregard about my schedule, my work. I never get any help with my work from her and I don't ask her too. I like to work on my own. I used to help her with studying and her TA work. I also helped her in the lab sometimes. I always make time whenever she needs me. I canceled and delayed lots of appointments and instrument booking just to be there for her and help her. I also sleep less so that she can sleep properly. I sleep after her and wake up before her so that my snoring doesn't bother her and so that there is breakfast on the table. That makes the whole day for me very hard to pass. Her being careless about my work has also become more spread out. I had to stop studying at the house. Whenever I work from the house she will make fun of me, insult me and pick up fights. For example, if I am studying something very deeply and taking my time. She will turn on the TV and make fun of me as a "slow student/inferior student". 

Now as a student of science I should not talk about only her faults. I should speak up about my faults and paint the whole picture too. I made some stupid financial decisions (like too many credit cards and being in a small scale credit card debt, although I didn't spend for myself). I pay almost everything in the house as I am the husband. I rarely buy things for me but on a student salary, it's difficult to maintain a lot of things. Like I don't have the money nor the time to travel every weekend or eat outside 2-3 times a week with my wife. We live in a cheap city but in a great apartment close to the campus so it is expensive. The school doesn't provide health insurance to students, not even the funded ones. Now I also have to hear that I am not man enough to provide her although I am paying for almost everything which is maybe not a lot but that's almost all I can do. I also sometime's shared sad thoughts about my life regarding my wife's behavior with me with my friends that she does not like. I can't share with my wife because she can't take this criticisms. She thinks she did huge favor marrying me and I should eternally greatful just because of that. I am presenting a lot of negativity I know but I will also like to let you know that some of the times we have/had were amazing and I love her a lot. I believe she loves me too but in a different way I guess.
I was supposed to graduate last fall but as my wife is here I started a second masters to stay with her. I am confused what to do as I want to get a phd in future but staying with her makes me scared to start yet another degree. I don't want fight all night with my wife and then go to the exam room and write virtually nothing. I don't want open my pc to read a research paper while thinking how to stop this fight with my wife. I don't want messup appointments,instrument bookings or experiments by losing focus. I can work. I can handle a huge workload but I can't handle family tension and work altogether. I want to get a phd but I am not sure what to do and how to approach this.
Any suggestion will be welcomed.

[Hope.for.the.best]

8 hours ago, materialsD said:

I was supposed to graduate last fall but as my wife is here I started a second masters to stay with her. I am confused what to do as I want to get a phd in future but staying with her makes me scared to start yet another degree. I don't want fight all night with my wife and then go to the exam room and write virtually nothing. I don't want open my pc to read a research paper while thinking how to stop this fight with my wife. I don't want messup appointments,instrument bookings or experiments by losing focus. I can work. I can handle a huge workload but I can't handle family tension and work altogether. I want to get a phd but I am not sure what to do and how to approach this.

Any suggestion will be welcomed.

I am not a relationship expert, nor I am in a relationship currently, so I don't feel qualified to give you specific advice on the subject. However, as someone who has gone through the PhD journey, I reckon family support is very important. A tensed environment at home does take a toll on your studies, and it sounds like your conflict with your wife has got into the way of your studies. Have you ever spoken to your wife your feelings and tried to work things out with her? I don't mean those conversations when you are in a heated argument, but an open and honest one when both of you are calm and willing to listen to each other and communicate. It is not a bad idea to go for relationship counselling. Even if you can't afford it, going to your school counsellor can be helpful (and it should be free for students). 

You should also address your snoring, not just for your wife, but for your health. Snoring is often due to sleep apnea. This is a condition in which you don't breathe properly while sleeping and your sleep quality suffers as a result. When you don't rest well, you get irritable and this exacerbates your issues at school and home. Not having quality sleep is bad for your health in the long run. I would suggest that you go to your doctor to get it checked out. It can be treated. 

All the best to you. 

[PokePsych]

I have a lot of thoughts, but I would recommend maybe talking to a counselor. Most schools have places where you can get a few sessions for free.

[materialsD]

On 3/16/2019 at 6:26 PM, Psygeek said:

I have a lot of thoughts, but I would recommend maybe talking to a counselor. Most schools have places where you can get a few sessions for free.

I am making an appointment but can I hear your thoughts too?

[N0rd]

On 3/16/2019 at 5:26 PM, Psygeek said:

I have a lot of thoughts, but I would recommend maybe talking to a counselor. Most schools have places where you can get a few sessions for free.

I would definitely recommend talking to a counselor, and consider meeting with a counselor one on one and looking into couple's counseling. My current university offers both of these services and maybe yours does as well, or they might be able to refer you somewhere affordable. If you love her like you say you do and she loves you it's worth working on your relationship to see if there's ways you can improve it.

On 3/15/2019 at 8:24 PM, materialsD said:

Any suggestion will be welcomed.

I am also not a relationship expert, nor am I married but I can tell you right now that no one should feel like their significant other is ashamed of them or should be made fun of their abilities. Having a strong support system is incredibly important, whether or not you're in grad school. I would recommend reaching out to trusted friends or family members who know more about you and your wife to get their perspective on the subject and also just to get general emotional support from them. I wish you the best and hope that no matter what you remember that you absolutely 100% deserve to be happy and healthy.

[PokePsych]

6 hours ago, materialsD said:

I am making an appointment but can I hear your thoughts too?

Let's just say I'm incredibly grateful to have a very supportive partner in every possible way and we're certainly on equal footing and respect a lot of things in each other and do not look down, despite him being better at some things than me. I'm proud to be with my partner and proud of the person he is. I also think our careers, dreams, and goals are equally valuable. Although I'm probably 'ahead', I do everything in my power to support him to make his dreams come true. I wouldn't want it any other way. People love each other in different ways, but I think it is important to me as a person to feel loved and (unconditionally) supported by my partner - regardless of how he/she expresses it. 

I'm certainly not saying that you should break up or anything. However, I think it is important to also make sure both sides needs are met (of course not everything is always possible). 

[Ternwild]

On 3/15/2019 at 6:24 PM, materialsD said:

I am a graduate student doing my second masters in physics after my first one in electrical engineering. I have been through many issues through my graduate student life. It's going to be a long story so if anyone is patient enough to read about through it I will be thankful. I did my undergrads from a public university in applied physics which had really inferior academic quality. To add on that I had to tackle issues in my personal and my family life ( addicted sister causing issues, parents having trouble). I had a long distance relationship with a girl whom I eventually married after starting graduate school. The girl used to go to my country's best engineering school. She had a lot of superiority complexes and put me through a lot of inferiority complex. This became more complicated as both of our families live in the same region and my sister is her sister's best friend. My sister went to their house and had an episode of her mental breakdowns. My girlfriend(present wife) was always very unsupportive. She always picked a fight with me during exams or right before the exams and she always compared me with her friends at her university. Granted I was sort of fat and not as "talented" as her friends or her or her family (her sisters are all very bright in academia). She was publicly ashamed about me (hiding me from her friends most of the time).

I finally pulled myself with the help of some of my friends. Took the gre and got admitted and a tuition waiver. Then started my masters. I wasn't funded at the beginning so I worked on campus. Then I finally got funded after a semester. My girlfriend still continued with her unsupportiveness during this time. I started ignoring her at a point and then she got scared and started pushing me for getting married after I got funding. I thought that after marriage she will change and at least be a little more caring and understanding. So we got married. There were many issues with the marriage and post marriage (like my sister cursing at my wife over the phone because I am not sending money). Those were all taken care of. She started her phd at the same school I am. Although I told her not to come here at all. As I know she is very ambitious and more qualified. I knew she will not like it here and think she deserves better which will hamper everything in our lives. The problem that remained that she still has that superiority complex. Along with that, she has a complete disregard about my schedule, my work. I never get any help with my work from her and I don't ask her too. I like to work on my own. I used to help her with studying and her TA work. I also helped her in the lab sometimes. I always make time whenever she needs me. I canceled and delayed lots of appointments and instrument booking just to be there for her and help her. I also sleep less so that she can sleep properly. I sleep after her and wake up before her so that my snoring doesn't bother her and so that there is breakfast on the table. That makes the whole day for me very hard to pass. Her being careless about my work has also become more spread out. I had to stop studying at the house. Whenever I work from the house she will make fun of me, insult me and pick up fights. For example, if I am studying something very deeply and taking my time. She will turn on the TV and make fun of me as a "slow student/inferior student". 

Now as a student of science I should not talk about only her faults. I should speak up about my faults and paint the whole picture too. I made some stupid financial decisions (like too many credit cards and being in a small scale credit card debt, although I didn't spend for myself). I pay almost everything in the house as I am the husband. I rarely buy things for me but on a student salary, it's difficult to maintain a lot of things. Like I don't have the money nor the time to travel every weekend or eat outside 2-3 times a week with my wife. We live in a cheap city but in a great apartment close to the campus so it is expensive. The school doesn't provide health insurance to students, not even the funded ones. Now I also have to hear that I am not man enough to provide her although I am paying for almost everything which is maybe not a lot but that's almost all I can do. I also sometime's shared sad thoughts about my life regarding my wife's behavior with me with my friends that she does not like. I can't share with my wife because she can't take this criticisms. She thinks she did huge favor marrying me and I should eternally greatful just because of that. I am presenting a lot of negativity I know but I will also like to let you know that some of the times we have/had were amazing and I love her a lot. I believe she loves me too but in a different way I guess.
I was supposed to graduate last fall but as my wife is here I started a second masters to stay with her. I am confused what to do as I want to get a phd in future but staying with her makes me scared to start yet another degree. I don't want fight all night with my wife and then go to the exam room and write virtually nothing. I don't want open my pc to read a research paper while thinking how to stop this fight with my wife. I don't want messup appointments,instrument bookings or experiments by losing focus. I can work. I can handle a huge workload but I can't handle family tension and work altogether. I want to get a phd but I am not sure what to do and how to approach this.
Any suggestion will be welcomed.

You are in the WRONG forum for this.  Go to Reddit and repost this in /r/relationships.