the boyfriend factor...

[juilletmercredi]

Like others have said, it's a deeply personal choice. I'm inclined to say go for your career. A doctoral program is only 5-7 years on average but the impact on your career lasts a lifetime. It's a small sacrifice to pay for better positioning for the future, and if you are both in top programs, it ups the chances that you can negotiate spousal hires should you decide to marry and search for academic positions together.

I had a similar problem - my fiance was joining the military and we had no idea where he'd be stationed; I had to make a decision on whether to attend my #1 choice PhD program without knowing where he'd be. I chose based upon my career, because we decided that we could do a long-distance relationship if we needed and the time was so short it was totally doable, especially since you can visit more often once coursework is over. He ended up getting stationed only 80 miles south of me so it's not so long-distance, but we do have to deal with deployments and temporary duty assignments and such.

I agree that once you get really busy in your coursework, it can almost be a blessing not to have an SO nearby and you don't have "time" to miss him. In the rare idle moment, yes you will, and sometimes you will feel really lonely. But for the most part, you can focus on your work and when you go to visit him, that time is all yours - you can set the work aside. I see my fiance on the weekends and I work all week so I have little to do on the weekends so I can just spend the time with him. It's harder when he's here all the time, although I do love to have him here and do plan to move in together after I finish my coursework.

[student4ever]

thank you for all the responses! i appreciate the different perspectives people have brought. it's also really comforting (and inspiring, in some cases) to read about some of your experiences.

i've decided to go to the better school. i realized i just had to accept the fact that i would always wonder how the alternative would have been. fortunately, my family and boyfriend were supportive of either choice. after i told my boyfriend, he said he was happy for me and excited i have this opportunity. i assured him i was still committed to the relationship and i tried to reason why a couple more years of distance might not be that bad (having already managed it, being busy during school, possibility of being together during summers, more job opportunities, etc.)... i guess i just have to wait and see how it all works out!

[summertouch]

thank you for all the responses! i appreciate the different perspectives people have brought. it's also really comforting (and inspiring, in some cases) to read about some of your experiences.

i've decided to go to the better school. i realized i just had to accept the fact that i would always wonder how the alternative would have been. fortunately, my family and boyfriend were supportive of either choice. after i told my boyfriend, he said he was happy for me and excited i have this opportunity. i assured him i was still committed to the relationship and i tried to reason why a couple more years of distance might not be that bad (having already managed it, being busy during school, possibility of being together during summers, more job opportunities, etc.)... i guess i just have to wait and see how it all works out!

I wish you all the best student4ever. I'm in a somewhat similar position although I was not accepted to my top school. *sigh* That said, I'm torn between reapplying and just taking up the offer from my "safety" school that offered me a scholarship - either way, I'll be away from my SO with whom I've been in a LDR already for the past 2 years. Anyway. I think you made the right choice and ultimately it'll all work out. Good luck!

[Arcadian]

Wow, really? I can't believe the majority are saying to go to school that would separate you from your boyfriend. I mean, there are some good obvious reasons to do so, but I think clearly the intuitive answer is that you should go where he is going.

I find this answer ironic:

Not to belittle your relationship, but relationships begin and end all of the time. Ask yourself how you would feel if you went to your second choice school and - worst case scenario - broke up during the first semester. Would you be kicking yourself for not going to the dream school?

Sure, and I can easily turn this scenario on its head and produce an equally bad outcome. What if you go to the top program and the relationship ends during the next few years - but it would have lasted for the rest of your life had you gone to the same school?

Yes, relationships begin and end all the time - which is precisely why it would be a mistake to let one slip away. If you're going to separate PhD programs, you'll be separated for the better part of five years. Honestly, I can't imagine a relationship continuing under those circumstances. In fact, it wouldn't be much of a relationship at all.