How Much should I listen to?

[RNadine21]

So I've been in my program for a month now and I'm starting to wonder if this one guy I've been taking advice from is the best person to listen to. For background, he's a third-year student who friended all of us first-years before we started orientation. That in itself isn't so creepy. Then he started sending us invites to his house parties and birthday party. Weird as we hadn't met him yet, but whatever. So we get to the pizza party hosted by the grad student association for our program, and after we introduce ourselves he goes down the row giving our full names, despite the fact that I only gave my first name. OK, now I'm starting to feel weird. But we hang out anyways, and he gets a little better as things move along.

Then he starts giving us dirt that's been getting to me. Like how some older students have make predictions about who will hook up with who, who will fail orals and so on. He's told us that no one gets an A in Ecology. He's told us that many people have failed out. And now that I've gotten sub-par grades on my first exams, all I can think about is his "advice". The more I listen to him, the more BS I feel like I'm hearing. He also constantly wants to hang out, and while I love most people in my program, I don't want to get tired of people too quickly.

So should I continue listening to this guy and taking his advice? Because it's really starting to get to me honestly :/

[poco_puffs]

Even if he isn't intentionally and maliciously yanking your chain, and who knows, it sounds like this guy likes power. Unless he's some sort of official graduate liaison person for the first years, it sounds like he's taken it upon himself to be the "guy" for your group, and probably not entirely for your benefit either. He might just be that type of personality that thrives on knowing everything about everyone, keeping everyone around him so he's in the loop, and parsing out information as he sees fit in order to elicit reactions or manipulate people.

Keep your ears open for other students in your cohort that feel the same way, or maybe someone from the year before you. I don't know how actively you should go around asking, since it might start rumors or generally get back around to this guy, so keep it on the down low. If it gets out of hand, like truly disturbing or disruptive to your work there, talk to someone higher up the chain of command.

In my opinion, and I'm obviously just going off of what you've written, he sounds like a parasite. You should stay civil, so as not to raise any flags with him and possibly incite him to use his "information" or "weight" within the department, but do your best to keep him at a distance and do NOT let his mumbo jumbo get into your head. Maybe try to make contact with some other older graduate students in the meantime, to get some other perspectives.

[fuzzylogician]

In general, I think you should never hang out with people who make you feel uncomfortable or listen to advice makes you lose confidence in yourself. I don't know if this guy is purposefully trying to mess with you or if he's just being insensitive, but from what you write it sounds like this friendship is not good for you and you need to have less contact with this person. Really, no one can know right now who (if any) in a fresh new cohort will fail orals or flunk out so all this guy is doing is make uneducated offensive guesses. Don't listen to him.

Edited October 7, 2010 by fuzzylogician

[RNadine21]

Even if he isn't intentionally and maliciously yanking your chain, and who knows, it sounds like this guy likes power. Unless he's some sort of official graduate liaison person for the first years, it sounds like he's taken it upon himself to be the "guy" for your group, and probably not entirely for your benefit either. He might just be that type of personality that thrives on knowing everything about everyone, keeping everyone around him so he's in the loop, and parsing out information as he sees fit in order to elicit reactions or manipulate people.

Keep your ears open for other students in your cohort that feel the same way, or maybe someone from the year before you. I don't know how actively you should go around asking, since it might start rumors or generally get back around to this guy, so keep it on the down low. If it gets out of hand, like truly disturbing or disruptive to your work there, talk to someone higher up the chain of command.

In my opinion, and I'm obviously just going off of what you've written, he sounds like a parasite. You should stay civil, so as not to raise any flags with him and possibly incite him to use his "information" or "weight" within the department, but do your best to keep him at a distance and do NOT let his mumbo jumbo get into your head. Maybe try to make contact with some other older graduate students in the meantime, to get some other perspectives.

Yea, I've heard things ranging from "He's enthusiastically friendly" to "I don't like him at all" from other second- and third-years. Personally, I also find it a bit odd that he doesn't really hang out with anyone in his cohort. I never really see third-years since they're most in the writing phase, but still, I always found that a bit odd. I've been feeling more like he's trying to mold our opinions of the program and it's starting to annoy me.

[newms]

Personally he seems creepy to me. It's good that others don't seem to think he has crossed the line from being a mere annoyance to something worse. I had an experience once where someone at a job I had gave me details and opinions on everyone at the job and about the organization before I had a chance to form my own views. I didn't automatically believe his opinions, but allowed myself to form my own views and impressions of the people at the job and about the organization as a whole. Ultimately my views were quite different from his, so I would suggest that you allow your own experiences to shape your views about the program, rather than allow his to. If he insists on sharing dirt with you, perhaps you can tell him that you would rather have the opportunity to form your own views based on your own experiences.

Edited October 7, 2010 by newms

[zilch]

seems like he has trouble with interactions where he's not in the position of authority/knowledge/the one people listen to, which is likely why he doesn't hang out with his own cohort.

it's possible that he was socially awkward at one point and is now just trying too hard to be outgoing, but I would venture that this is not the case and that he's just a narcissistic creeper. He's probably trying to make himself believe that he is an important part of the department and the easiest way to do that is to go around and 'mentor' new students.

I'd avoid him, treat him as an acquaintance. chances are, he does the same thing with the next class.

[RNadine21]

seems like he has trouble with interactions where he's not in the position of authority/knowledge/the one people listen to, which is likely why he doesn't hang out with his own cohort.

it's possible that he was socially awkward at one point and is now just trying too hard to be outgoing, but I would venture that this is not the case and that he's just a narcissistic creeper. He's probably trying to make himself believe that he is an important part of the department and the easiest way to do that is to go around and 'mentor' new students.

I'd avoid him, treat him as an acquaintance. chances are, he does the same thing with the next class.

The thing is, he actually is a pretty accomplished guy. He is doing great work and has many contacts, and his advice about finding a mentor has been beneficial. But that's about as far as his good advice goes IMO. What really got me wondering about his character is his tendency to shoot down people's teaching ideas (most of us are lab TAs) and give his ideas instead - thing is, he's a ridiculously hard and insensitive TA from what he's told me. I'd hate his guts if I was his student, and honestly I'm doing the best I can with the little preparation I got for this job, so I don't appreciate his putting down my ideas.

[timuralp]

Your story's pretty odd. At least in my program, I don't know of many people who give out unsolicited advice. Personally, if someone gets on my nerves, I do my best to not be forced to interact with that person. It sounds like that would be the better thing to do. On a more general note, it's good to get different view points, but also don't be afraid to go with what you think is right, if you're not compelled by any other arguments. In the end, usually, you're the one that deals with the consequences, not the person giving the advice.

[Katzenmusik]

This guy seems kind of... strange. If he makes you feel bad about yourself and your teaching ideas, I'd say to avoid him. He seems like a jerk who just wants to be "the influential one" in your department, and his strategy is to get to new cohorts first. Possibly he has annoyed or alienated everyone in his own cohort and is now seeking to start afresh with yours.