Making a school decision with your SO

[FutureSLP]

I applied to various schools, both nearby and out-of-state. Since I live in a large, expensive city all the schools arounds here are also quite expensive (all private), and I cringe at the idea of going to one of them because of the massive debt that will acrew (6 figures...). While I'm certainly interested in their programs--as well as in not having to move--I am horrified by the amount of debt that will come if I go to one of them. I really applied to them because my significant other will not move if I go out-of-state, and I don't really want to move away from him.

I'm at a crossroads and don't know what to do. Go to a cheaper out-of-state school, or stay put with my SO and hopefully numb myself to the reality of the costs? I hate the idea of financials being a sole decision maker, but I also hate the idea of my SO being my sole decision maker too. The out-of-state programs and the nearby programs about equal each other out in my mind regarding their faculty, program components, and clinics--they're all very good programs--so this isn't really a decision about what program is the best.

Is anyone one else in this type of situation? How did you find a balance for your school goals while not sacraficing the relationship you have built with your SO?

My mind wants to choose the best financial option for me, but my heart wants to choose otherwise.

[Vacuum]

Why won't your SO move with you? Job? Family?

Personally, I would choose to have less debt. I'm not sure of the status with your SO (married, dating for how long, engaged etc), but you never know what will happen in a relationship. Also, if you were planning on marrying your SO, are they not concerned about taking on this huge amount of debt? Because it would become their problem too if you do get married. If you were to end your relationship for whatever reason that we cannot predict at this time, you would be the sole owner of a crapload of debt and have to figure out how to pay that off all by yourself.

I guess it depends on the reasons behind your SO not wanting to move at all, but I don't think it is fair that they are not willing to budge in order to accomodate your financial worries.

It is all about the give and take.

Edited February 21, 2011 by Vacuum

[eklavya]

by any means, i am no expert in these kind of situations. but whenever it is decision time, i have learned, through the hard way, that it is your mind that you should listen to. definitely, relationships are important and they should be given the first priority. but at the same time, finance is something that cannot be overlooked. if you move out of state, and your SO will continue to remain your SO, then settle for the less-loan deal; because it's all about planning right for the future - both academically and financially. or, if you and your SO agree to clear off the loan after you finish your studies, then staying in the same locale might be better. however, no one knows the future. in case something comes up between you two (god forbid from this happening), then you might be left with more than you can handle. so please weigh your options, and act carefully. it's tough, but i am sure you will make the right move.

[BassAZ]

I'm sorry to do this but here are the hard questions you have to ask yourself:

If you go to a closer school and your relationship deteriorates, will it leave you worse off than if you moved?

Is there any reason you and your SO haven't made a life-long commitment to each other?

(This question is the big one in my mind. The fact is, when you marry each other, all your plans become of 2 people and you have a partner to help you decide on where to go and what to do; YOUR plans become OUR plans, YOUR debt becomes OUR debt and it makes it easier to do the impossible with someone there to be your advocate the entire way. Without that, I feel like you can plan until the cows come home but there's no overall commitment to follow the plan you guys set out for yourselves)

Will the out-of-state schools put a damper on your vocational opportunities after you receive your advanced degree?

Will an in-state school's degree really balance out the financial (and emotional stress) cost in earnings afterward?

Is there any reason why a long-distance-relationship won't work?

If the determinants are really only finances and your SO (I.E. the fit of the programs are equal, etc.) then you really need to carve out time with your SO and have the harder conversation of what's best for both of you. At least in a marriage, it's never on one person to determine the route of life; because you've made a long-term commitment to each other, you walk that road together, both having signed off on what's going on.

[FutureSLP]

Thank you for all the great responses!

He can't move because he's finishing his own master's degree here and has a job that is contributing money toward that degree, so he's stuck for at least another two years. We have been together for 5 years, own our house together, and do plan on getting married. He understands that this will be OUR debt, and is not against me moving to a cheaper school. But one day it's "we have to do what will be financially best for us" and the next day it's "I really don't want you to go away; please stay." So I keep flip-flopping on what I should do.

I went away for school last year and hated being so far away from him, but I think you all are absolutely right. This should definitely be a financial decision. Me being away won't ruin our relationship, it just won't be ideal. But it definitely is worth it in the financial long run.

Thank you again!

[Mrs. Grad]

If the marriage and the house are in the future, living apart for a couple of years isn't going to kill the dreams you've made together. In fact, it might be useful to think of it as "the last hurrah" of you're independence.

I think he really gets a weighty say in what school you accept if he's planning to move with you right away. Two years will fly by, and you'll look back at this time in your life and cherish the special visits and weekends spent together.

Stand strong, lady! It's all going to be okay.

[kiseika]

I'm actually finding myself in a similar situation. My girlfriend and I are both going for advanced degrees this fall, her for speech pathology, no less, and me for a sociology PhD. Her best chance is local and my best offer is about 4 hours away. We applied to many of the same places, and knowing that she had a good chance of staying local, I extended my search here. Nonetheless, we're readying ourselves for the possibility of spending the next two years apart. We're not married either because that would add a lot of unnecessary stress to our already busy, stressful lives, so I totally understand if you've got similar reasons.

Anyway, I agree with everyone else. If you're in it for the long haul, you ultimately have to do what will benefit the both of you in the future. 2 years will (hopefully) seem like a little blip in the grand scheme of things. The worst part, I think, is if you already have a shared life together, splitting that up won't be easy. I'm not looking forward to all the cheap furniture I'll have to buy (and there's no Ikea where I'm planning on going!), but at least I get the big TV? But like ej said, it might be a good, albeit lonely, last taste of independence, and it should help both of us focus on our studies.

Aaaand...thank god for Skype and text messaging and all those other things that make the long distance thing much easier.

[wook]

You are not alone in this -- I am faced with pretty much the exact same decision! All of these comments have been very helpful.

[neuropsychosocial]

Is anyone one else in this type of situation? How did you find a balance for your school goals while not sacraficing the relationship you have built with your SO?

For me, it was about balancing my personal goals with my relationship: I had sacrificed enormously for SO's career, to the point where I was compromising myself, not just my career goals. I couldn't live like that - and SO didn't want me to. Have the two of you talked about how things would be if you moved away for school? How often would he visit you, you visit him, costs of two households, trust, future, time with your family versus his family versus alone vacation, etc. (When you're considering schools, think about how long it would take one of you to get to the other: there's a huge difference between being a short direct flight apart and being a 10 hour two-stop odyssey.) When you're accounting for finances, include the costs of maintaining a second household, trips back and forth, and a value for your happiness (which might tip towards staying with your SO or might tip towards graduating with less debt). I think communication and setting expectations in advance is a key to a successful long-distance relationship.

[DrPepper-olic]

I know your struggle too!

I kept up a long-distance relationship for three years, and we got married in August, after I had finished my MA. He already had student loans from law school, so we had to take that debt into account when figuring out what we should do. Ultimately, it was best for us to live apart for a few years, spending many weekends together, than for us to face lots of debt. In that time, the economy got pretty shaky, so I think we made a wise decision for us. We've only got as much debt as it would cost to buy a used car now, and none of that is from me.

Another plus to living apart while I was in grad school was the downtime I had to study. It made me that much better as a student, since I had to study hard during the week in order to spend my weekends with him. Over that time, he was also a part-time grad student (since he's a university employee, it helped him defer loan payments). We sometimes had study weekends, or we would just be apart when midterms, exams, and term papers were due.

I hope that you and your SO can sit down to plot out the future costs together. I would recommend going to a website like www.mint.com, where you can set up your financial situation, and see how it pans out over time. You could enter an in-town, in-state, and out-of-state scenario. For the in-town example, you two already own a house together, and moving away will bring in a new cost of living. The six-figure debt of sticking around, however, would probably outweigh that in the short run, but only you know what you want to do about it over time. I think it's helpful to calculate the cost of different scenarios. You can just estimate the costs of living, or enter the same costs of living for everywhere, just to see how the varying debt will impact your future. Best of luck!

[qbtacoma]

Okay, I'm going to come out and put my experience on the table, because that is directly relevant to my following statements. Of the four years of my life I've been in serious relationships (with two different people), three of these have been long distance. My perspective on the long distance relationship, especially for two years, is that it isn't that much of a hardship, especially when you've already had five years with someone AND when you are planning on spending the rest of your lives together. Part of being a good partner is supporting your loved one in their chosen career as far as is possible instead of making it a zero-sum game between the loved one and a career. Plus, getting into six-figure debt (if that truly is your only option - I hope the local schools give you some kind of aid!) is a crazy bad idea. It is so bad that I cannot convey how bad of an idea I think it is. I don't know your field, but chances are you will never, ever make that back, even your partner's income.

Most of our waking lives are spent at work, so being fulfilled in your career is a reasonable goal. Your partner should want you to be fulfilled. Have you talked with him about this? Do you think there needs to be a "sacrifice" of your relationship because that's what you fear, or because that's what he told you?

I should hope, if you are planning on getting married, your SO cares more about your happiness in your career (and not committing financial suicide!) than the short-term annoyance of a long distance relationship.

[Tunnel King]

I'm sure there are similar stories like mine out there. After a lot of hard thinking, I recently broke it off with my SO of 3 years. I had gotten into my first choice school, but it was five hours away. Not the longest distance by any means. It wasn't her first choice to move, as it has taken her a while to finally be confortable with her friends and her job in the city, and I completely understood. She said she would move, but I had been thinking, if I can't commit myself fully to the relationship (especially for the 5+ years the program would take, plus whatever comes after it), and if I don't see us having a future together, then I shouldn't keep it going. So, last week, I broke it off. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I know in the long term it was the right thing.

It's been quite the bittersweet application season.

[Eigen]

Lots of good advice here.

We were already married when I started applications- both interested in PhD programs in the sciences.

My wife wanted to take a year off before grad school, so we chose institutions that would have one or more good choices for graduate programs in her discipline close by- either at the same university or nearby schools. When I went on interview trips, she scheduled tours/visits with the departments she was interested in, and we chose the right school together.

It's a bit different from your situation where your SO is already in a grad program- and I'm guessing you didn't talk about this when he applied to school(s).

We know we'll probably be apart for 2+ years at some point in the future- she's a year behind me, and I doubt we'll get post-docs at the same place. I think if the relationship is strong, the long-distance thing is very doable, especially if there's a defined end in sight (ie, you get your masters and move back to the home that you two own together).

For an interesting look at the two-body problem throughout academia, I'd check the Chronicle of Higher Education forum devoted to it.

[FutureSLP]

Thank you for the encouragement everyone!

Based on the advise here, my SO and I have started to create a spread sheet that will take into account all of the financials involved with the schools I've applied to--including moving costs, where necessary. Once everything is taken into account (tuition, fees, aid, living expenses, moving expenses, etc) we'll make our decision based off the best financial option. I am dreading the idea of breaking up this household we've created together, but will try not to think about that until we get all the admission decisions and #'s and can make a decision from that.

Best of luck to all of you in similar situations. I have faith that things will work out in the end.

[tayfray]

It's tough. My husband and I had to deal with this. Basically, we decided we needed to take turns going to school and working.

First, he applied to a number of grad programs and I applied to jobs in the same cities. I got a good job in the same city as one of his accepted schools, so we moved across the country to go there and my job supported us while he got his degree. Now that he's finished with his degree, we're doing the same thing for me: I'm applying to a bunch of schools in certain cities that we both agreed on, and he's working on getting a job in those places.

Granted, we don't own a house yet, but it's still a difficult thing to do.