The Balancing Act (M.A. vs Ph.D.)

[Vitaminark]

So over the course of the last few months whilst waiting for news from my Ph.D. programs, I've had a lot of time to deliberate. I would love to hear your opinions, as I have heard a mixture of opinions from my nearest, dearest, and mentors.

I am 30 years old and have a domestic partner. She is going to be coming with me no matter where I get my advanced degree, God(dess) bless her soul. She has a solid career where we live now, so that's asking a lot of her. The majority of my applications have been submitted for Ph.D. programs, with two submissions to Master's as a back up plan. Some of the Ph.D. programs I applied to are in not-so-ideal locations. Over the course of the last few months, I've had time to think about the reality of situations that may occur. For instance, say I get accepted to a Ph.D. program some place in the deep South where gays/lesbians are not tolerated very well, and with this economy, may not be easy for my DP to get a job quickly. I realize that being accepted into a Ph.D. program is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and many say that if I decline any offer, it would be unwise for my future.

My other option would be to do a Master's program at the same school where I am completing my undergrad, or move up to San Francisco (SFSU), where it is obviously accepting to "my kind." But, being 30, I want to start a family soon, and if I do the Master's route first, I would not want to then re-apply to a Ph.D. program due to the likelihood of practically starting all over, and extending my education well into my late 30s/early 40s even. I wanted to start a family after my education was completed, but some have said that family-starting is easier WHILE you're still in school, as opposed to after. Doing a Master's here or in SF would be a nice balance for all involved (me and my DP), but I'd blow any opportunity of a Ph.D. program.

It's a balancing act, and a tough choice. At this point, I don't need to worry since I have not yet been accepted yet to any Ph.D. programs, but this is what's been milling around in my head. My mentors have said "NO! If you get into a Ph.D., you go!" But they're biased. My friends and family, of course, say to do what I feel is right in my heart. But I think my head should be involved, somewhat? lol

Any of you with this experience? Have you gotten into a Ph.D. program and your S.O. will be moving too? Is this putting any kind of strain or worry into your life? Let me know, thank you!

[kotov]

Eh. I think the South gets an unfair rap. If you're in a larger town like Tallahassee, you really won't face tolerance issues. I mean, even here in a small, conservative town like Auburn, there really isn't any intolerance that I've ever noticed toward gay people (though I'm not gay, I don't think there are glaring issues I'm overlooking). I think that in a college town most people are up with the times enough that it won't be an issue for you. I can't promise that there aren't occasional religious fanatics; there are, though, especially in a college town atmosphere, they're much more heavily stigmatized (even by other religious conservatives) than anyone else is based on their lifestyle choices. However, I think you'll find that most people are quite welcoming, since hospitality is something that's really heavily valued in the South. That said, I'm leaving the South after 20 years of living here, so I hope that doesn't deflate my endorsement, but I don't really think it's as bad as people on the West Coast would think. That said, is still a very politically conservative part of the country, which doesn't quite suit my palate, but there's nothing much I can do about that.

[jprufrock]

I'm not quite sure how your field works, but if your ultimate goal is a PhD, then I think it is wise to skip an MA altogether (or get it as part of a PhD tract).

If you get accepted somewhere you're not sure about, then you should make every effort to go visit. Many places do not fit their reputations and you may find out that you will fit in better than you expect. You can also do a fair amount of research into communities and groups, etc, to find your place in your prospective locations. I wouldn't dismiss a school because of location without checking it out first. In your specific case, I bet you could find more tolerance because you'd primarily work with college-educated folk who are generally more inclusive and less discriminating.

If you can find value in stopping your education with just a MA, which is in every sense respectable, then perhaps that will provide a great middle ground for you.

Many people put a PhD up on this glass pedestal and yet its usefulness is very narrow. Happiness does not correlate linearly with education nor money. You need to choose whatever path will fulfill you, sustain you and make you happy. Education, location, money, etc. are just secondary details to the primary goal of living a happy life with happy people and family.

Best of luck to you.

Edited February 26, 2011 by jprufrock

[Golden Monkey]

I can't possibly begin to address everything you've brought up here, but I think I can address a couple of things.

While the possibility of delaying a PhD until your late 30s/early 40s might seem like a horrifying situation right now, when you're actually in your late 30s/early 40s, it just isn't such a big deal. Yes, you will be older than everyone else. But you will also have more career options open than your younger classmates, since by then, you will have been working for a lot longer. I think these two things balance each other out. I started my master's at the age of 40, simply because I couldn't afford to at the ages of 22-38 and was constantly working my ass off during those years. The concept of not finishing or continuing my education wasn't such a big deal to me, as I was pretty well established in my professional life. This would not be true if I had been 25 at the time.

I completely agree with Kotov. The South gets a bad rap due to a few fanatics. I am a minority, but I was also born and raised in Tennessee. For the second half of my life, I've lived in LA and NYC, generally considered extremely tolerant places. I think I've encountered more racism in LA and NYC than I ever did growing up in Tennessee. The thing about places that are considered "liberal" is the fact that intolerance might come from a different group of people, and also that people who live in places considered "liberal" sometimes consider their residence/native status of a supposedly liberal region to be a license for intolerance. So yeah, The South isn't that bad. I'd honestly welcome the opportunity to move back.

[jcandy]

I think love is once in a lifetime thing, grad school will always be there (excuse the cheesiness). My husband and I have been moving around for each other for the past 4 years and it gets tiring. Unfortunately you have to consider the fact that if you get into a phd program and move, in 5-6 years you'll have to move again for your post-doc while your partner is getting settled into her job; and then 2 years later move again for another post doc or job or whatever. I am not saying this to disparage, it's just everything I have considered for my life. That and I want to choose the city i live in, I have lived in so many places and nothing beats a city (personal opinion). Grad school is not intrinsically satisfying, at least not as much as spending time with a person you love. If I don't get in to my programs this year then I going to spend the rest of my time getting a job where I can have evenings and weekends off to hang out with said partner. For me, there will always be another phd somewhere or another, it's not the most important thing. Everyone chooses their own path, good luck!