Did I give POI the wrong impression about joining her school?

[tragicomix]

The background for this is as follows. At the beginning of the application cycle, I contacted of my POIs (lets call her X) at a certain school (lets call it A) and talked about her research. She was very nice throughout the application process and always made it clear that she would be very happy to have me come to A.

When we first chatted at the beginning of the application cycle, she'd asked me where her university figured in my priorities. I told her that I was applying to 11 universities and that A was near the middle of that list. I talked to her again a few weeks ago and she again asked me the same question. I reiterated that A was near the middle of the list of universities that I'd applied to. I also told her that I liked the group and that a professor at my university had said good things about it. At that point I had only one acceptance from a university that was more or less as attractive to me as A and I told her about that acceptance.

My current situation is that I've been accepted to 2 out of the top 4 in my list, so it is unlikely that I will accept the offer from school A. However, I haven't yet decided where to go because I still need to hear from the other 2 out of that top 4.

Now X has e-mailed me saying I have been accepted and that she hopes I will strongly consider their offer.

I'm feeling a bit guilty that I may have done something wrong by letting X think that I was more interested in A's program than I really was. I certainly didn't mean to "cheat" anyone but it's possible that I may have, in an academic sense, "led her on" because I wasn't really expecting to get into both of these schools that I have been accepted into, and so I may have sounded more positive than I should have.

Do y'all have any advice for me? What should I do now? Is acceptable to wait until I've decided where I want to go before letting X know about my intentions?

[Strangefox]

First of all, congrats on your acceptances!!

Second, I don't think that you led her on. You told her twice that her school is in the middle of the list of schools you had applied to. You were honest with her and I think you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Cograts again!

[tragicomix]

Thanks, Strangefox!

I just hope that my relationship with X isn't soured by this incident. I'm pretty sure we'll run into each other in the future ...

[neuropsych76]

I agree with Strangefox, you didn't lead her one and you shouldn't feel guilty about anything. It could very well be the other way around. I talked to a professor and she expressed a lot of interest in me coming to school X but I received a prompt rejection a few months later. It's the nature of this business

[The Lorax]

it's not personal, it's business. No one, not even X at A expects you to do anything other than take the best offer. If X were your current advisor, they would tell you nothing less.

[was1984]

It sounds to me like you were very forthright and honest about the whole situation. I think we can all identify with feeling a little guilty about having to 'reject' a potential adviser. You do develop a bit of a relationship with these people during the application process, and it's always hard to reject someone. However, keep in mind that these faculty members have to do the same thing all the time during admissions, so they will certainly understand where you are coming from.

[mostlygoo]

I agree with all of the above... And remember that you're ultimately a client of the university, no matter how close your relationship with any adviser. They want your business and it's really their job to court you. That doesn't mean she isn't being genuine about her enthusiasm for you, but it does mean that she's hoping to sway your decision. They want the candidates who have the best shot at being successful in the program, and one way for a school to be attractive to a potential graduate student is by expressing real enthusiasm and interest. (And it's a smart move, too. I know that I'm leaning more toward one school in part because they've done such a good job making me feel as if they want me as much as I want to be in the program.)

The more interesting question, at least to me, is just how important a consideration that should be. What if I get accepted to my top school but I don't get that same responsiveness between now and April 15? How heavily should that affect my decision, if at all? It may not mean anything about the quality of the program, but I do think your relationship with your adviser will go a long way toward determining the quality of your graduate experience. Schools should realize that they're dealing with potential clients, and I don't think this is always the case.

Best of luck with your decision...

[Eisenmann]

This is interesting. I just got off the phone with one of my schools to ask about my status since I have not heard a single word from them. The secretary asked me if they were my top choice and I said yes (they really are), but even if they were not I think I still would have said yes.

This reminds me of one scene from "Bring Him to the Greek" where the exec told the agent to do and say whatever it takes to make the client happy, even if you are stretching the truth. Business opinions are opinions, meaning that they can change at any time depending on the situation.

[neuropsychosocial]

I think you're totally fine - that's the way that all of this stuff happens, from undergrad admissions to job searches. If you know you won't attend A, it might be nice to let them know, so that they could consider other students. I also think it's okay to say something about how much you enjoyed X's work and wished that you could receive training from X and (your final choice), but you chose (your final choice) for (vague professional reason).

I recently wrote one of those emails and turned myself inside out trying to figure out a way to say, "It's me, not you," and finally gave up. I just named the school that I had chosen and said that for a variety of reasons, personal and professional, I would be going there, noting that I looked forward to seeing the POI at professional conferences.

[was1984]

This is interesting. I just got off the phone with one of my schools to ask about my status since I have not heard a single word from them. The secretary asked me if they were my top choice and I said yes (they really are), but even if they were not I think I still would have said yes.

This reminds me of one scene from "Bring Him to the Greek" where the exec told the agent to do and say whatever it takes to make the client happy, even if you are stretching the truth. Business opinions are opinions, meaning that they can change at any time depending on the situation.

The problem with this is that you can upset people if they offer you a fellowship that could have gone to another student based on that sort of response and then you end up going somewhere else. It's a good way to burn bridges. Plus, it's kind of dishonest to misrepresent yourself like that. I'm not saying you were, I'm just saying that if a school wasn't your top choice and you said it was, you would be.