Accepting a Generous Offer From Top-Ranked School

[DrPepper-olic]

They called my bluff. I applied so I could tell my kids I applied. Then I put it out of my mind. I've been crushing on much more realistic programs, trying to convince myself they "fit" even better than Top School. I never even imagined myself getting on the wait list.

Fast-forward three months to a slew of rejections from those schools I've been dreaming about. I spent most of last week trying not to get tears in my booze. (No hyperbole.) I even initiated Plan B (and was admitted to an MS program in Math at this school in my town).

Yesterday, I had just finished saying how I had decided to be happy with my circumstances and make the most of my situation when I got an email. A fellowship from Top School. WTF?! I called family and friends. I emailed LOR writers. It took a 2 mile run to burn off the nervous energy.

Now that the elation has burned off, my nerves have taken over. This school has a reputation for high attrition and cut-throat competition among first- and second-year students. Um...I'm just little ol' me. I'm not a world leader. I'm not trying to change the world. I really just want to go to a school where I can (1) have intelligent, engaging academic conversations with my classmates and (2) have a mentor who knows something about my special interests in the field. I'm not a rock star. I'm a nerd. I'm scared the cut-throat students will smell fear and go in for the kill. (It doesn't help that one LOR writer already responded with "you better brush up on your basics". Ack!! I don't even think he expected this.)

I want to be clear: I am not complaining; I am honored and HUMBLED by the opportunity. A small part of me takes the fellowship as a huge vote of confidence in my potential. A larger part of me has a pathological inability to accept happiness. All those rejection emails (and the implicit rejections from many other schools who already sent out acceptances and wait lists) killed enough of my confidence that I'm hesitating at all. I would be a fool to pass up this offer. I will formally accept it as soon as I get my other two Top School rejections. (Hey, not all my hope is gone. )

I noticed a few weeks ago that many other GradCafeers were receiving wonderful offers. Does anyone else feel the magnitude of his/her generous offer?

[Gunner24]

First, congratulations on the offer! What a feather in your cap. It would crazy for you not to be freaking out and feeling unworthy, especially after the previous rejections.

I can relate to an extent- I started as a community college transfer with an associates and a crappy GPA to go with it...fast-forward to now, I have received a fully funded offer + TA/RA from a top-tier national school. I'm kind of freaking out about the upcoming recruiting weekend with similar fears...that the current grad students or other admits will somehow automatically know that I'm nervous and call me out in front of everyone. I like the sharks circling in for the kill analogy.

However, ultimately I'm going to have to just choose to be confident in my abilities and know that they chose me....and you will too!! You'll do great. Walking the anxiety gauntlet is a necessary rite of passage, I'm sure

Best of luck!

Edited March 8, 2011 by Gunner24

[Poppet]

I feel like I have to point out an important consideration when it comes to attaining real success - Don't ever underestimate the value of humility.

It can be a very positive thing that differentiates you from the sharks. Don't think of it as a weakness that they can use against you, but a strength that you can use against them.

Congratulations on your admit - I'm sure you deserved it.

[Behavioral]

Well, at least you're definitely NOT alone.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome

The impostor syndrome was once thought to be particularly common among women who are successful in their given careers, but has since been shown to occur for an equal number of men.^{[citation needed]}It is commonly associated with academics and is widely found among graduate students.^[2]

[beanbagchairs]

I understand how you are feeling; but, you worked your butt off to get to this point! You need to reward yourself. You need to be confident!! (I am telling this to myself as well)

As for the high attrition rate, dont worry about it for now. You are capable of producing good work! remember that! After all, these professors in adcomm chose you!

Your fellow cohorts may have the same feeling as the one you are having now . You'll do great work. Just keep telling yourself that. Eventually, you'll live up to that.

congratulation on the admit!

[DCHopeful]

Well, at least you're definitely NOT alone.

http://en.wikipedia....postor_syndrome

Wow! This is so interesting. Thanks for the share!

It certainly explains how I, and some of my friends, have been feeling...

[qbtacoma]

Good for you! Much congratulations!

Okay. Practicalities. The cutthroat competition aspect of this program - this is something for which you really need to prepare yourself. Not that grad school is the same at all, but in junior high school I dealt with the bullshit messed up social situation by withdrawing into myself and being fairly lonely. I felt this was a legitimate strategy; I was never bullied in junior high, and a lot of adult competitiveness comes from the same place as pubescent insecurity. Also take extra care to take care of your mental health - schedule in exercise, massages, nights out at the movies, etc so your general quality of life is better than the stress the competition will inflict upon you. Ask yourself if you can endure at least two years of social isolation from your classmates. Will you still be able to function academically? I think I remember from your other posts that you have a partner - you might have to ask him to help you edit papers and such since you won't be able to count on constructive peer reviews.

I sincerely wish that the academy could be collaborative and mutually supportive everywhere, but sometimes this just doesn't happen (as in industry or wherever else). So be the kind of person you want to be, and I honestly think you'll be creating a better atmosphere for the people who follow. And this isn't, like, a Japanese high school or something where everyone knows your grades and knows where exactly you stand in relation to each other. You'll probably get burned, but there are ways to deal with it. It is a top program for a reason; you'll come out with strong training and a reputation to match. So good for you!

[DrPepper-olic]

First off, thank you all so much for the advice! I'm female and probably do feel some undue gender-related pressure in addition to the impostor syndrome. I am glad to know that I'm not alone in the feelings.

I actually spent two days trying to make sure I didn't accidentally mark the wrong ethnicity on my form because I got an email with "Presidential or Diversity Fellowship" in the title. (I would HATE to show up on admit day only to reveal a glaring error I had made in checking selection boxes.) I have since concluded that these people know what they're doing. In fact, I'm they have a reputation for being highly rational, if nothing else. (Like robots.) I'm sure they checked up on me. (Especially considering one LOR writer tracked me down and told me off for being so lazy as an undergrad/made me swear I'd be better next year.)

Second, I guess I should be grateful that, last year during my MA, classmates and professors thought I didn't have it in me to succeed. I had to get scrappy. I even learned how to slowly build a study group, by tutoring the weakest person in the class, who then invited a friend, etc. until all but 3 of the whole cohort were studying together. (I drew a circle that drew them in.) I'm building my artillery now to fight off all the internal and external doubts that are inevitably on their way. First step: learn computer programming.

qbtacoma, I also withdrew during adolescence (6th grade). I feel like American youth culture is increasingly philistine. (Don't know if you're from the US so maybe it's more than a domestic phenomenon?) I must have been in my own little bubble by the time everyone started caring about grades because I never developed that opinion that "knowledge" is a zero sum game.* While I was going through the "all rejection" phase of this application period, it finally occurred to me that what I truly crave is intellectual stimulation and camaraderie. I hope that I find it, either in grad school or because of grad school.

*And law/business schools who still function that way can suck it. Intellectual mercantilism is an obsolete idea.

[space-cat]

I actually spent two days trying to make sure I didn't accidentally mark the wrong ethnicity on my form because I got an email with "Presidential or Diversity Fellowship" in the title. (I would HATE to show up on admit day only to reveal a glaring error I had made in checking selection boxes.) I have since concluded that these people know what they're doing.

Painfully true. I was just offered an extra fellowship from the most prestigious school on my list. I spent a good 15 minutes re-reading my application, terrified I had made myself sound much more experienced or accomplished than I actually am, and thinking I would have to apologize for misleading them! Point being, you're not alone.

I know what you mean about worrying over competition vs. collaboration, but I think this is probably a case where having realistic expectations and a few allies can make all the difference. Let the Golden Boys and Girls at the top of the class fight it out with each other, and find yourself an adviser and a fellow student or three who just want to keep their heads down and do good work. I'm sure you won't be the only one!

[ZeeMore21]

Maybe race isn't the only requirement for the diversity fellowship? It could possible be gender as well. You shouldn't feel anxious about it!

First off, thank you all so much for the advice! I'm female and probably do feel some undue gender-related pressure in addition to the impostor syndrome. I am glad to know that I'm not alone in the feelings.

I actually spent two days trying to make sure I didn't accidentally mark the wrong ethnicity on my form because I got an email with "Presidential or Diversity Fellowship" in the title. (I would HATE to show up on admit day only to reveal a glaring error I had made in checking selection boxes.) I have since concluded that these people know what they're doing. In fact, I'm they have a reputation for being highly rational, if nothing else. (Like robots.) I'm sure they checked up on me. (Especially considering one LOR writer tracked me down and told me off for being so lazy as an undergrad/made me swear I'd be better next year.)

Second, I guess I should be grateful that, last year during my MA, classmates and professors thought I didn't have it in me to succeed. I had to get scrappy. I even learned how to slowly build a study group, by tutoring the weakest person in the class, who then invited a friend, etc. until all but 3 of the whole cohort were studying together. (I drew a circle that drew them in.) I'm building my artillery now to fight off all the internal and external doubts that are inevitably on their way. First step: learn computer programming.

qbtacoma, I also withdrew during adolescence (6th grade). I feel like American youth culture is increasingly philistine. (Don't know if you're from the US so maybe it's more than a domestic phenomenon?) I must have been in my own little bubble by the time everyone started caring about grades because I never developed that opinion that "knowledge" is a zero sum game.* While I was going through the "all rejection" phase of this application period, it finally occurred to me that what I truly crave is intellectual stimulation and camaraderie. I hope that I find it, either in grad school or because of grad school.

*And law/business schools who still function that way can suck it. Intellectual mercantilism is an obsolete idea.