Am I in a messed up headspace before starting grad school?

[Lucky2431]

So I'm in. I was admitted to my top Ph.D. program with full funding and enough of a stipend to support my living expenses.

I feel partially excited to begin this whole process, but lately I've wondered if my thinking is a little out of whack.

First thought: "Getting a Ph.D. doesn't define me. I've been resourceful without it and I will continue to be that person."

Second thought: "How great- I get a 2 year trial run to see if I like this grad school thing. I need to get my MA en-route, and if I don't file the paper work to continue onto a Ph.D. I can leave with the MA and no debt! it isn't like I won't be working very hard for my advisor for the first 2 years. Also, will that person really want me there if I am not in it 100%?"

Are these thoughts strange? It's keeping me really optimistic about this whole process.

The research in my lab is pretty fantastic. There isn't a big push on publication, it is more of an applied-based track with a focus on assessment. No need to fuss over results not coming out correct every week, etc. In fact, I almost feel like the research where I am going will be easier than what I did in undergrad. On that front I'm not concerned.

The only reservation I have about grad school is how honest I should be with my advisor.

The lab I am working in has meeting some Saturdays when data collection is up and running. I'd like to see my significant other, who will be living 95 minutes away, every couple of weeks by traveling there on the weekends. My family also lives near to her, and we are all very close. Interfering with those relationships will be the one thing that makes walk from a lab and grad school. I think if I can sustain this, realizing upfront that I will be busy and need to get much work done during the week, than I will be a pretty happy trooper. Should I just be upfront and ask on what weeks we will be doing Saturday work and state my reason above for asking as a way to define my boundaries early on? Say I have a long term thing back home, etc? After all, I'm only being paid for 20 hours of work. I expect at times when things are busy that I will do more, but that in times of relative calm it should work the other way a bit, no?

I know I am all over the place, but is my head in the right space here?

Edited March 13, 2011 by Lucky2431

[chaospaladin]

What PhD are you getting and what school do you go to?

[LJK]

I am currently doing a psych MS and I think what you are saying makes sense. While you are being paid for 20-hrs a week, I have found that most professors think of it as being paid to be a grad student and get your own stuff done too. When an RA, there were weeks that I worked 20 hours or more but I would say I averaged 15 - I had my own research (different lab so it wasn't included in my RA), the classes I was taking, etc. As long as you are upfront with your advisor and especially if you are willing for there to be some give and take - letting you know in advance which weekends it would be helpful for you to stick around, etc. - it should be fine. Weekends should be optional- I've found most professors realize that.

I also think realizing that the MA is an option is a helpful thing for mental health - you don't have to get into the 'phd or bust' mentality right away, feel the water, figure out what you want to do. If you love it, keep going - if you don't, get out, but do it as respectfully as possible, i.e. let the prof know before the admissions round so s/he can get a replacement, keep working on your projects up until you leave, etc.

[neuropsychosocial]

The lab I am working in has meeting some Saturdays when data collection is up and running. I'd like to see my significant other, who will be living 95 minutes away, every couple of weeks by traveling there on the weekends. My family also lives near to her, and we are all very close. Interfering with those relationships will be the one thing that makes walk from a lab and grad school.

I think it's quite acceptable to discuss this with your advisor in advance - and I think that you probably should. Most humans would be sympathetic to the idea that being able to visit your significant other would contribute to your overall happiness and productivity, especially if you can indicate some flexibility, such as visiting twice a month (rather than a concrete "every other week") or volunteering to take on other inconvenient duties (night measurements?) if you are the only one excused from weekend lab meetings. It might also be worth asking how often there are Saturday meetings; if it turns out that it's only four weeks out of the semester, but they're consecutive, could your significant other come to visit you?

[Lucky2431]

I'm doing a developmental Ph.D. I don't see why disclosing the program is particularly beneficial to myself and the person that asked.

Thanks so far everyone. The lab doesn't do night duty. It is a social science lab with a focus on assessment. We aren't running daily experiments and are only focusing on one prolonged study.

The grad students in the program let me know about the Saturdays. They said during peak data collection you are there for a few hours on Saturday. When data collection isn't going on no one comes in. My SO will be visiting me a couple times a month. Splitting the travel throughout the month seems fair and realistic. Also, factoring in academic breaks and summers I am not banking on this being too much of a strain only being 95 minutes from my SO. Like I said my family is back home too, so getting there 2 times a month will keep me charged up!

I was thinking when I register for classes sitting down with my advisor and just having an open discussion about it. I think if this person knows that this one thing is really important to me at the onset than it will mitigate a lot of potential issues. I'll get shit done during the week without question, and I won't be asking for Saturdays off when no one else gets them.

I was more concerned about the mindset I have going in that was on the lines of, "if this sucks and I am miserable I am peacing out of the program with zero qualms about my personal happiness." I guess as school approaches I feel like I am mentally way over prepared for grad school or just lack that sense of "this will make me" that most people here seem to have.

[Eigen]

I think going in with a sense of "graduate school will complete me" can in a lot of ways be unhealthy.

It's good to keep the schooling in perspective, and realize that you can't let it consume your life. It depends on the advisor, of course, but most of the ones in my department are pretty understanding of long distance relationships, families (wife, kids, etc) and such.

Personally, I wouldn't bring it up right off... If you only need to be in the lab during "peak collections" for a few hours on weekends, I'm betting you'll be able to figure out when those weekends are, and have your SO come visit you that weekend instead of you driving back.

[psycholinguist]

I agree that the sense of not being defined by the Ph.D. is actually great.

So many things can change so quickly within a graduate program. I'd simply go for it and see how it goes!

[starmaker]

I was more concerned about the mindset I have going in that was on the lines of, "if this sucks and I am miserable I am peacing out of the program with zero qualms about my personal happiness." I guess as school approaches I feel like I am mentally way over prepared for grad school or just lack that sense of "this will make me" that most people here seem to have.

Yeah, this is actually to your advantage. Please don't think that you need to give this up in order to be a "good" grad student.

The people who feel like they must get a PhD or else they've failed at life? Those are the people in a position to be exploited or abused by advisors, to spend years in a state of misery, to suppress legitimate doubts, to let the rest of their lives decay. When you truly don't feel that you have any alternative, you're effectively imprisoning yourself. You're leaving yourself vulnerable to forces that you can't necessarily control. And when you know that you can leave anytime you want, when you feel like your program is truly voluntary, but you still want to be there in spite of whatever is annoying you at the moment, it's a very affirming feeling.

Even for people who really really want the degree, who can practically taste their own desire, having a backup plan that you'd be genuinely happy with if push came to shove, is better.

[nhyn]

I don't think you're alone Not all people here, or people who apply for a PhD, need to PhD to feel complete/validate themselves. At least that's the impression I get. Lots of people have doubts, lots of people are passionate, and some people have a good balance - like you, for example. It's just like doing any other job or following any other career path. At least for me, I think of getting the phd I want as embarking on a career path that I like, but my personal happiness depends on me and not the job I do, so if this doesn't work out, I have a few other things I'd want to try out, and it's fine, too. In fact, I shied away from applying to this one lab where the professor stated on her lab's website that people who apply to her lab should view psych grad study as "a calling" o_O I just...don't want to be that intense.

Also, having been in a long distance relationship, I understand completely how you feel and think it's fair that you talk up front with your advisor about your plans to visit SO and family. I'm sure the professors have been in, or have seen, a similar situation. Lots of academics that I talked to in psych either had a partner who also pursued grad study (which made it difficult for them to stay in the same place), or did a different job, so different that they had to stay long distance for a while. I trust that you also picked a good advisor cos no good advisor would be so mean as to thwart the student's personal happiness!

[qbtacoma]

As other folks have said here, I think your attitude is healthy and a great advantage! It is my attitude too. You know what you need to keep happy and you have a sense of perspective on what is required - a weekend every few weeks is not an onerous accommodation, so do let your PI know!

I think that most people here are lifelong high academic achievers (including me), and now we are getting to the point of failure due to either a) chance and the market, or b ) the work is so hard that we really can fail. So people who stake their identities on being Good At School 'N Stuff are not preparing themselves for these options and are accordingly devastated by failure, and most of us (including me, until my current gap year) don't consider who we could be without school. It is a personal identity crisis as much as it is anything else. Hence, too, the glum warnings on blogs from academics who understand personally the risk of tying our identities to academia alone (or primarily).

[belleoftheball]

Second thought: "How great- I get a 2 year trial run to see if I like this grad school thing. I need to get my MA en-route, and if I don't file the paper work to continue onto a Ph.D. I can leave with the MA and no debt! it isn't like I won't be working very hard for my advisor for the first 2 years. Also, will that person really want me there if I am not in it 100%?"

I don't think you should feel bad about knowing that leaving after 2 years is a possibility. I think about it all the time. That's not to say I will or want to do that, but some of my best friends have started off in PhD programs and after the first year knew it wasn't for them. I hope I can finish a PhD, but if I can't, its not the end of the world. You do want to have something to show for the time that you were there though. For me, knowing that there's an out, if I really can't do it, makes me feel less stressed about starting a PhD!