How to cope with forced schooling

[UnlikelyGrad]

And I have read the advice offered here, and I admit I'm afraid to take it because deep down, I really do feel like nothing will work. I feel deep down anything I do will backfire and just make my life even more miserable when I end up right back here. I feel like any domestic violence shelter would laugh me out the door because I'm not being abused by a spouse. Maybe I'm just so used to the crap I deal with regularly that I have learned how to overall cope with it,and I've learned that my life is simply not mine to live and it never has been. I feel a sense of defeat only because that's all I've experienced - there have been no small victories to encourage me further down the path to freedom. It's all just been a bunch of failures when I step outside the little box people expect me to stay in.

That is actually a normal way for a victim of emotional abuse to feel. So let me ask you this: what will happen if you do leave, and fail? How will it be different from your normal life?

Let's face it: right now anything you do is a failure, in your mother's eyes. If you fail, she calls you on your failure. If you do something that everyone else (including yourself) thinks is right, you still are a failure to her and her boyfriend.

If you leave, you might fail sometimes, but at least it would be a failure under your control. You would know what to do to fix the problem. Or you would know who to ask for help in fixing the problem. You would be the one in control of your own life...as in control as anyone can be of a life, anyway.

Just me, I understand that I probably can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must be for you. And I understand that the advice in this thread that simply says "get out now" may be too difficult for you to follow right now. But I sincerely hope that you start doing little things to get yourself out of this situation.

I read somewhere that abuse victims, on average, try leaving 10-12 times before they actually leave. As someone who's been there, I can tell you it is hard. (My number was more like 2, but there were years and years between attempts in which I tried to fix what was wrong with me to make the relationship right. I finally accepted that my ex was completely unwilling to change, except in ways that garnered him more control.)

I am not saying that there won't be consequences for leaving. There will be. You may end up a lot poorer than you were before--in fact, I guarantee it. You will spend lots of time looking over your shoulder, wondering when your mom will show up to drag you back home. This is normal, and it will fade with time.

Do you have (local) friends who are aware of your situation, who are willing to help? If so, get them to plan your escape. At the end of my marriage, I knew I should leave, but I honestly did not see a way to make it happen. My sisters planned my escape for me. Once the plan started going together and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, I broke through paralysis a little and contributed to the plan somewhat. But I really couldn't get it started. If you know you have to leave but you don't think you can, I highly recommend getting a friend to help you. Some will say no, but some will say yes. Good luck!

[Just me]

I don't really have too many friends who could help because I don't have many friends to begin with. My BF is closest, but he also lives with emotionally and mentally (sometimes physically) abusive parents, so living with him would just be me moving to another abusive environment. Plus, his parents smoke in the house and I don't feel like getting lung cancer for the sake of freedom. He's stuck in a similar situation: deals with abusive people, but too broke and helpless to move out.

I also have to be able to find a place where I could go with my cats, and I refuse to leave them behind, give them up, or abandon them. To some, pets are just animals, but I love my cats far too much to just leave them behind like luggage. So if they can't go, I don't go. This is why I can't live with my friend in the city - his parents have allergies.

And I'm not saying nothing is my fault - I know some things are my fault, but some things are also not. What I'm saying is that I cannot envision success - I understand being poor and nervous. It's just I don't have any stepping stones to get me going and it seems any time I get one - like money - it gets taken away. If I take even one step forward, I fall back two more steps because something goes awry. It's not like 15 or 20 years ago when someone could move out, get a job, and live on their own with a bit more ease. It's not like that anymore. And

In any case, I may have to just stop responding to this topic. I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond, and if I can use any of the advice, I will. But for now, I don't think there is much more I can say. It's so easy to say "get up ad leave," but unless someone has actually been stuck in a similar situation (which I know one or two folks here have), they have no idea how difficult even one step is.

[Strangefox]

In any case, I may have to just stop responding to this topic. I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond, and if I can use any of the advice, I will. But for now, I don't think there is much more I can say. It's so easy to say "get up ad leave," but unless someone has actually been stuck in a similar situation (which I know one or two folks here have), they have no idea how difficult even one step is.

We did not just say "get up and leave". We said: contact a hotline, find councelling. Have you done that?

[ogopo]

I don't really have too many friends who could help because I don't have many friends to begin with. My BF is closest, but he also lives with emotionally and mentally (sometimes physically) abusive parents, so living with him would just be me moving to another abusive environment. Plus, his parents smoke in the house and I don't feel like getting lung cancer for the sake of freedom. He's stuck in a similar situation: deals with abusive people, but too broke and helpless to move out.

I also have to be able to find a place where I could go with my cats, and I refuse to leave them behind, give them up, or abandon them. To some, pets are just animals, but I love my cats far too much to just leave them behind like luggage. So if they can't go, I don't go. This is why I can't live with my friend in the city - his parents have allergies.

And I'm not saying nothing is my fault - I know some things are my fault, but some things are also not. What I'm saying is that I cannot envision success - I understand being poor and nervous. It's just I don't have any stepping stones to get me going and it seems any time I get one - like money - it gets taken away. If I take even one step forward, I fall back two more steps because something goes awry. It's not like 15 or 20 years ago when someone could move out, get a job, and live on their own with a bit more ease. It's not like that anymore. And

In any case, I may have to just stop responding to this topic. I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond, and if I can use any of the advice, I will. But for now, I don't think there is much more I can say. It's so easy to say "get up ad leave," but unless someone has actually been stuck in a similar situation (which I know one or two folks here have), they have no idea how difficult even one step is.

I think you have received a lot of useful advice in this thread. I understand that it helps you to explain your situation but in the end (unless you let us know where you live and someone can physically come to you) we are all powerless to help you with your problem. All anyone here can do is to offer you advice (whether they have been in your situation or not). But you are the one who needs to take that advice. It is not your fault that you are in the situation you are in but you have the power to make a change. That means that you need to pick up the phone and call a shelter. They will not laugh at you. In the worst case scenario, they will refer you to someone else who can help you. But they can't do anything if they don't know you're out there. So please call!! We all want you to be in a better place.

Stop thinking about your barriers (cats, no job, feeling powerless and depressed) and think about the fact that there are people and opportunities that can help you to improve your situation. Just please take that first step. Call someone! You don't need to think about the next step. You don't need to think about getting up and leaving. All you need to focus on is picking up the phone and calling.

Here are some resources I found online:

In the U.S., call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).

This has abused hotline contact information for states: http://womenshealth.gov/violence/state/index.cfm

Here is a forum regarding child abuse. Although you are not a child anymore, this certainly started when you were http://www.psychforums.com/child-abuse/

I think the first number is the best one. Just pick up the phone and call them, they will be able to guide you from there.

[psycholinguist]

From a pamphlet I found at a nearby health-centre yesterday afternoon:

In a relationship, have you ever experienced:

1. physical violence?

2. threats that the person will abandon you if you don't do what he or she says?

3. being kept away from friends and family members?

4. not being allowed to speak to other people?

5. having to justify your whereabouts?

6. the other person using guilt trips to get his or her own way?

7. not being able to go out without the other person?

8. any put-downs about your physical appearance?

9. the other person never being satisfied with you?

10. fear or intimidation from the other person?

11. being treated badly or humiliated in front of friends or family members?

If you answered 'yes' to one or more of these questions, you may be in an unhealthy relationship.

Call 911 or your local police immediately if you are in danger.

United States Domestic Violence Resources by State

National Network to End Domestic Violence

The Hotline

(psycholinguist again: the links above are American counterparts to the Canadian ones listed in this brochure. Also, note that 'domestic violence' isn't at all limited to physical violence, nor to romantic relationships! Wikipedia cites this scholarly definition of 'domestic violence': "a pattern of abusive behaviors by one or both partners in an intimate relationship such as marriage, dating, family, friends or cohabitation". From the same book is a definition of economic abuse: "Preventing [the victim] from getting or keeping a job; making [the victim] ask for money; giving [the victim] a [tiny] allowance; taking [the victim's] money; not letting [the victim] know about or have access to family income". In other words, the fact that you don't have enough money to escape is ITSELF a sign of dominance and control, and it's exactly what your mother wants.

[nellecv]

I think it's sad that so many people here have offered you support and advice, to which you continuously reply, "It won't work." Stop using this board as your personal therapy session and DO SOMETHING! Yes, your options suck. Trying to hide your money from you mom while living with her stinks. Going to a shelter would certainly be stressful. Taking a minimum wage job that you dislike with a boss who's a jerk is awful. I hear that, I really do. But so is your situation now. So do SOMETHING to start you on your way to happiness. Once you make a single decision to move your situation forward, every step after that will be easier. But talking about it endlessly won't help.

[UnlikelyGrad]

I think it's sad that so many people here have offered you support and advice, to which you continuously reply, "It won't work." Stop using this board as your personal therapy session and DO SOMETHING! Yes, your options suck. Trying to hide your money from you mom while living with her stinks. Going to a shelter would certainly be stressful. Taking a minimum wage job that you dislike with a boss who's a jerk is awful. I hear that, I really do. But so is your situation now. So do SOMETHING to start you on your way to happiness. Once you make a single decision to move your situation forward, every step after that will be easier. But talking about it endlessly won't help.

Talking about it endlessly--no, that wouldn't help.

But really, as hard as it would be to leave--making the decision to leave an abusive relationship is the hardest part. Really.

And sometimes people need to hear outsiders telling them to leave for months or years before it finally sinks in.

She'll get there sooner or later.

[thesnout]

If you don't want to go, don't go. You're an adult and it's "Your" life. You can't spend time worrying about what your mother thinks you should do.

Do what is best for you. If grad school makes you unhappy don't go. Don't put yourself in a position to take on debt you can't pay off. If your living conditions are toxic then you need to get out and help yourself. Find the resources that are available to you.

It's time for you to move on and out. This situation really is toxic for you. Maybe even a little radioactive. I hope you can see what you mother is truely doing. Help yourself.You have three pages of advice and opinions. Use this to your advantage.

Edited May 31, 2011 by cherylsafina

[Mal83]

It's probably a little late to throw my 2 cents in but just case the OP hasn't abandoned the thread I will...

I was just wondering if you feel like your mother is a physical threat..I mean if you just decide to not go to class or even if you withdrew from school all together do you think she would harm you physically? I know she'll put you through an emotional ringer and maybe make threats at other family members in order to control your actions, but since she's been doing that all along what would be any different if you finally just said, "no, you can't have my paycheck or I'm taking a taxi to go out by myself?" Would she kick you out? Beat you up? Physically keep you against your will in the house? You are 23 years old and she cannot legally do any of those things to you, except well, kick you out and I would think that would be a good thing. You really have to get it through your head that you are an adult and all of the things that your mother is making you do are simply NOT things that you actually have to do. You don't have to do anything that she tells you to do. You are no longer legally bound to her, if you get out, no cop is going to come pick you up and drive you back to your mom's house. If she finds you and comes to get you, you call the cops on her. She has no right to your money and no right to make you take out loans. If you think about it all you have to do is get out of her house. And there has already been lots of advice on how to do that. If you have to work a few minimum wage jobs for a while just to pay rent well then so be it, lots of people have to do that, if paying for a place on your own is out of the picture then look for a roommate situation on Craig's List, gather up enough cash for a taxi to come get you, put your stuff in the car, and then drive away. You have a Master's degree and can certainly find some decent work somewhere if you tried. It might not be in art but does it really have to be at this point? Is that your priority? To make money doing art so you can give it all over to your mother so she can pay her own debt and/or use it on herself? You are absolutely miserable for no good reason, it's not right, but you don't have to be, once you realize that you'll get up the will to leave. So what if it's hard for a while...the situation you're in now will never get any better. You are the only one in your family that will ever make things better for yourself. It sucks to realize you're on your own, but you know what? It could also be a blessing, to know that you are in charge of YOU while no one else is means that they're not bringing you down. You love your mother and I get that, but once you realize that she will not stop emotionally manipulating you until her own needs are met before yours you'll realize that it's time to start living life for you and only you.