Need some friends or advice

[lookatthedonutnotthehole]

I want to go to grad school, but my husband wants me to wait 3 years for him to finish his BFA where we live now. I don't want to wait. By then, I will be 30! Basically, he is set in his ways and doesn't care about my goals/ dreams/ etc. He does not want to move or compromise with me. He doesn't want to leave his job. How do I do this all alone or get him to come with me?

[Strangefox]

I want to go to grad school, but my husband wants me to wait 3 years for him to finish his BFA where we live now. I don't want to wait. By then, I will be 30! Basically, he is set in his ways and doesn't care about my goals/ dreams/ etc. He does not want to move or compromise with me. He doesn't want to leave his job. How do I do this all alone or get him to come with me?

It is definetely not very good of him to make you defer your dream because of his plans!

On the one hand, applying at 30 is not a catastrophy. On the other hand, if you really want to do it now... Does your husband understand how important it is for you??

[newms]

I want to go to grad school, but my husband wants me to wait 3 years for him to finish his BFA where we live now. I don't want to wait. By then, I will be 30! Basically, he is set in his ways and doesn't care about my goals/ dreams/ etc. He does not want to move or compromise with me. He doesn't want to leave his job. How do I do this all alone or get him to come with me?

Your husband is currently in school doing a BFA? Would he be able to finish his BFA at a different school were he to move with you? It kinda sounds like you both want to pursue your own education, but obviously with a two body situation and with one person more advanced on their educational career it's not always possible for both persons do pursue their goals simultaneously. The lucky ones get to pursue their education at the same school or at least in the same city. For everyone else, either

1) there has to be a compromise where the couple takes turns focusing on their career at a time - so maybe he finishes his BFA now and then in 3 years you both move to focus on your grad school career; or

2) you do long distance; or

3) you break-up.

So if he's not willing to sacrifice or make changes to his educational career right now to move for you, and you're not willing to wait for him to finish; then either you do long distance, or you break up. It's a tough situation, but many couples make it work. I think the key is that it requires both parties to be willing to compromise in order to achieve what's best for both persons.

There was a thread on here a couple of months ago where someone was trying to convince their boyfriend to move with them for grad school. I think one of the useful points on that thread was that if you want your SO to move with you, then you should involve them as much as possible in the decision making and planning process, so they don't get the impression that you just want to move away from them. Try to show them how the move could benefit you both as a couple.

Edited April 26, 2011 by newms

[lookatthedonutnotthehole]

It is definetely not very good of him to make you defer your dream because of his plans!

On the one hand, applying at 30 is not a catastrophy. On the other hand, if you really want to do it now... Does your husband understand how important it is for you??

I don't know if he doesn't understand or is incapable of understanding or just chooses to ignore me. He knows what I want, he just doesn't acknowledge it. Anytime I bring it up, we end up fighting, so I just try not to bring it up. Plus his BFA is not something he LOVES. I LOVE what I study. He is just going to school to "get a better job." Apparently his job is reimbursing him for his tuition so if he transfers, he will have to pay for school. That's one of his excuses...out of many. Its just hard because it seems like I've been waiting for him forever to finish and this is all i ever think about. And what am I supposed to do leave him to go to school? We just got married a year ago and everyone I know would think i was nuts if i did that. But I am already going nuts just sitting here doing a desk job.

[newms]

I don't know if he doesn't understand or is incapable of understanding or just chooses to ignore me. He knows what I want, he just doesn't acknowledge it. Anytime I bring it up, we end up fighting, so I just try not to bring it up. Plus his BFA is not something he LOVES. I LOVE what I study. He is just going to school to "get a better job." Apparently his job is reimbursing him for his tuition so if he transfers, he will have to pay for school. That's one of his excuses...out of many. Its just hard because it seems like I've been waiting for him forever to finish and this is all i ever think about. And what am I supposed to do leave him to go to school? We just got married a year ago and everyone I know would think i was nuts if i did that. But I am already going nuts just sitting here doing a desk job.

I don't know you or your husband's situation, but from reading your frustrations it seems to me that the two of you have difficulty communicating with each other. I would really suggest that you see a couples therapist or at least someone that the two of you trust and respect. Your husband would probably not want to go from what you've described, but I'm also guessing that like you, he also has frustrations about your marriage and perhaps if you framed it as doing what's best for the two of you (as opposed to coming across as if you are blaming him) then he may be responsive.

Just a friendly tip though - what everyone thinks about you is the wrong metric to be using if you're deciding if you should be staying in a relationship. If the relationship isn't working for you and there's no chance of it ever doing so, then it's better to move on than to stay in a non-functioning or dysfunctional relationship IMHO.

[Strangefox]

I don't know if he doesn't understand or is incapable of understanding or just chooses to ignore me. He knows what I want, he just doesn't acknowledge it. Anytime I bring it up, we end up fighting, so I just try not to bring it up. Plus his BFA is not something he LOVES. I LOVE what I study. He is just going to school to "get a better job." Apparently his job is reimbursing him for his tuition so if he transfers, he will have to pay for school. That's one of his excuses...out of many. Its just hard because it seems like I've been waiting for him forever to finish and this is all i ever think about. And what am I supposed to do leave him to go to school? We just got married a year ago and everyone I know would think i was nuts if i did that. But I am already going nuts just sitting here doing a desk job.

It is very bad that he does not want to talk about things that worry you. I say - start researching grad schools. Because one things is to imagine how great it would be to apply and another things is to actually start applying. This way you will see how it feels when you really start doing it and if if feels right, I say - continue.

Now it's the right time to research schools, study for GRE, order your transcripts, etc. I started preparing to apply in April last year. If at some point you feel that you relationship is more important that applying, you can stop the process at any point. Or you can finish it, see in what programs you will get and see how you will feel about the idea of going to one of them instead of staying with your husband.

It's sad but it's true that in such situations we really understand what we mean for another person and what another person means for us. It's these situations of choice or hardship when one needs support and understanding. I say - you husband already failed one test by not wanting to acknowledge what you want and not even being able to discuss it. Let's see, may be if you show him how serious you are about applying he will change his mind.

Good luck!

EDIT: And I agree with Newms's advice.

Edited April 27, 2011 by Strangefox

[bgreenster]

Oof! That's rough, dude.

My initial reaction, and please please please don't take this this the wrong way, is wondering if he feels that YOU aren't supporting his dreams? I'm not saying he is going about this the right way, but he is a guy and some guys (girls too, for that matter, but stereotypically guys ) have a hard time talking through their feelings. I know my guy does! I realize you're not telling him not to study, but just because he doesn't love it doesn't mean it isn't important to him and his career. I for one have made relationship blunders when I thought something was not important to my guy because he went about it quite differently from me and so I rather insultingly assumed I could just do what mattered to me. Oops.

I can understand not wanting you both to be in school simultaneously. I know for my fiance and I, we are trying to time it so that one of us is always working, to keep it slightly less financially stressful. Yes, it makes us older when we finish up our education, but I'm getting kind of tired with the social obsession with age.

I think we would need to know more about the background. Why doesn't he want you going to school right now? Is it because you can only find programs in other locations and he can't change schools? (I would say that his current school being paid for by his work is a valid reason to need to stay, but that's just me) Is it because he wants to be able to support you while you're studying?

You say you've only been married a year- when did you decide you wanted to go to grad school? Was this something he has known about and only now that you're married has said no?

I am not trying to take his side, and I know that's really not what you need right now, I'm just saying you may need to go about this in a way that shows you do appreciate how hard he is studying, that you appreciate how important his career goals are to him (even if he doesn't have the same priorities as you) in order to make any headway. Relationships are about compromise, and I know that I am having to take my guy's work and goals into consideration when choosing where to apply, particularly when it comes to location. I know it's hard to wait, but maybe you can make an agreement where you will wait if he agrees to be flexible about where you will study. In the meantime, you can take advantage of having three years to make yourself the most attractive candidate of all time for your dream programs. Speaking as someone who has had to postpone dreams: I get it, and it can feel like forever, but just make the most of your situation.

Edited April 30, 2011 by bgreenster