Finding a Significant Other while in Graduate School

[ZeeMore21]

Hi everyone,

I normally stay away from very personal topics, like dating and relationships, but I genuinely would like advice on dating while in graduate school. I currently am single and am wondering about how I go about meeting people in a new city and new school. From experience, I definitely will not be doing any inter-departmental dating, but I am kind of thinking that I might want to stay away from dating students in general. I think it would be nice to date someone who is out in the workforce...it can get tiresome thinking about school 24/7, and it would be nice to have someone who is outside of academia who can put things into perspective for me when I am going crazy over a seminar or a paper for example.

So, I would really like advice on how I go about meeting someone who could potentially be a significant other. I am a female who will be 24 in a month, so marriage/having a family has been on the back of my mind...I hear too many stories about females in academia who have regretted sacrificing their personal lives in order to excel as a graduate student and then as a professor. One of my old advisers even scared me into really thinking about how I want to go about finding a husband and raising a family- she told me that although I am still young, I am a female so I really have to have my personal life planned out fast if I want to be able to balance academia and a love life/family. This is a bit stressful!

Although graduate school and having a career are definitely important to me, I do want to be able to have a personal life and find happiness outside of academia. So again, if anyone can help me out with this dilemma, I would be grateful! I've been a bit embarrassed to bring this subject up, but it has been weighing on me, so I figured I would put this out there. I'm also sure there are others who may have a similar question.

Edited July 31, 2011 by ZeeMore21

[UnlikelyGrad]

Get involved in some activity outside of school--church, special interest group, volunteer community service group, you name it. I'm one of those people who has their finger in several pies at once and I've met a LOT of really cool men this way. Didn't do me a lot of good for many years because I wasn't single then--but I can see that my "getting involved" habit is really going to pay off now that I am back on the market.

[runonsentence]

UnlikelyGrad is absolutely right. One of my colleagues came to town single just over two years ago and married her (now) husband yesterday. She met him by getting involved with a local church that had a young adult group that organizes regular get-togethers. Another colleague met a long-term boyfriend through a community yoga group.

[ZeeMore21]

Get involved in some activity outside of school--church, special interest group, volunteer community service group, you name it. I'm one of those people who has their finger in several pies at once and I've met a LOT of really cool men this way. Didn't do me a lot of good for many years because I wasn't single then--but I can see that my "getting involved" habit is really going to pay off now that I am back on the market.

I really love this idea...thanks!

[ZeeMore21]

UnlikelyGrad is absolutely right. One of my colleagues came to town single just over two years ago and married her (now) husband yesterday. She met him by getting involved with a local church that had a young adult group that organizes regular get-togethers. Another colleague met a long-term boyfriend through a community yoga group.

Thanks for providing some examples runonsentence! I definitely feel a lot more optimistic now : )

[theregalrenegade]

Internet dating sites - yes, seriously. I've used them since I was an undergrad and have met some wonderful men, some of which turned out to be long term relationships. I'm not good at meeting people out and about, in bars, etc. and found that with internet sites you can not only learn about potential dates before you decide to meet, but you can lay out who you are and what you're looking for for others. Sure, there are some people that aren't totally truthful, but those people can be out in church groups, yoga clubs, and bars, too. I met my current boyfriend online. He's a city planner and has been one of my biggest supporters of my academic pursuits. We've been together for almost two years and we're both really happy. You should give it a try. If anything, you can just see what's out there.

[robot_hamster]

I picked my husband up off the street, literally. We have been together for a long time (~12 years, married for 5), so I can't provide much advice when it comes to dating. I do agree that getting involved in activities outside of school would help you meet people outside the world of academia. You might also want to make friends with people at school. If you attend their social events then you could potentially meet other people at those events that share similar interests. Even if it is just a backyard BBQ they are hosting. You never know, they might have some nice neighbors.

[Agradatudent]

Again I'm here to say don't do the online thing... Yes the weird people can be anywhere but there's a higher concentration online

[runonsentence]

Glad to help, Zeemore!

If you try online dating, go with something free, like OKcupid. OKcupid used to have a really compelling argument for why paying for online dating doesn't make sense, mathematically. Apparently they've taken it down from their site since they were bought my Match.com, but someone archived a version on their own blog: http://interestingreads.posterous.com/why-you-should-never-pay-for-online-dating-ok

[theregalrenegade]

There's a theory that if you have to pay for the use of an online dating site that you're more likely to be serious about meeting people for deeper and more meaningful relationships. I'm not sure if I buy that, but I've had experience with both free and paying sites, and it does seem to me that free sites cater to "hook-ups" more than relationships. But to each his own.

As for the higher concentration of weirdos online...I doubt it. Who do you think is online? All of those people you see out in the world, including us. And please don't say "bingo!"

[ZeeMore21]

Thanks for the advice everyone, really. While I do know of people finding successful relationships online, I don't think online dating is for me. I think I will just stick with meeting people through social activities.

[Timshel]

I would like to add, from my own experience, that dating someone outside of academia can be difficult in itself, which is why many of us inter-marry. (not necessarily in the same field/department, but academia nonetheless) It is hard for an outsider to understand the stress and pressure that goes into grad school and the job, and they often don't understand our "work." They think we only have to "work 12 hours a week" or only have to "write a paper." My husband is also a graduate student, and it has helped that we both understand what is asked of us. It also helps that we have the same schedules. Many of my friends who aren't with people in academia list the differences in their careers as a huge issue in their relationships--it's just hard to understand our work from the outside looking in.

[runonsentence]

I've also found a relationship within academia (my partner is an MD/PhD in molecular & developmental bio) to be helpful in that way. We can study together on weekends, and he understands when I have to stay up late to finish reading for seminar. We find balance, too, in being from different fields, as we can give each other advice from the perspective of an outsider to the field (but also, nevertheless, from the perspective of an academic).

[ZeeMore21]

I do understand Timshel

I would like to add, from my own experience, that dating someone outside of academia can be difficult in itself, which is why many of us inter-marry. (not necessarily in the same field/department, but academia nonetheless) It is hard for an outsider to understand the stress and pressure that goes into grad school and the job, and they often don't understand our "work." They think we only have to "work 12 hours a week" or only have to "write a paper." My husband is also a graduate student, and it has helped that we both understand what is asked of us. It also helps that we have the same schedules. Many of my friends who aren't with people in academia list the differences in their careers as a huge issue in their relationships--it's just hard to understand our work from the outside looking in.

I actually only have experience dating others from school, which is why I am thinking that dating outside of school might be something I should think about. While someone from academia might understand what I am going through as a doctoral student, I am also sure that there are people in the outside world who can also be sympathetic. Again, because I don't have experience dating outside of school, I am leaning towards meeting people who are not in academia. I know that for myself, I do get caught up in everything school-related, and forget that there are people who actually exist outside of academia who are just as smart, interesting, fun, and intelligent as those who are in academia.

[Timshel]

I do understand Timshel

I actually only have experience dating others from school, which is why I am thinking that dating outside of school might be something I should think about. While someone from academia might understand what I am going through as a doctoral student, I am also sure that there are people in the outside world who can also be sympathetic. Again, because I don't have experience dating outside of school, I am leaning towards meeting people who are not in academia. I know that for myself, I do get caught up in everything school-related, and forget that there are people who actually exist outside of academia who are just as smart, interesting, fun, and intelligent as those who are in academia.

Oh, I completely agree that there are definitely advantages to someone outside of academia, but it's just been my experience that some of my friends partners don't realize that we do more work than the 12 hours we spend literally teaching, or that grading is actually HELLISH work, or that academic and intellectual pursuit is worthwhile even if "only a handful of people are going to read it." Also, it's extremely nice to have the same vacation schedules because I know that a friend of mine who is engaged to a lawyer hates that she has so much time off for Christmas and summer but they can't do a lot of vacationing together because he doesn't get that much time off.

[ktel]

I have never met relationship-worthy guys at a bar unless I knew them beforehand and we just happened to finally talk at a bar. I have met most of them through sports (I play rugby, we're a very tight knit community) and I met my current significant other through an engineering design club. I am in an extremely male-dominated field, however, so that certainly helps, although I have only dated one engineer.

[ZeeMore21]

Oh, I completely agree that there are definitely advantages to someone outside of academia, but it's just been my experience that some of my friends partners don't realize that we do more work than the 12 hours we spend literally teaching, or that grading is actually HELLISH work, or that academic and intellectual pursuit is worthwhile even if "only a handful of people are going to read it." Also, it's extremely nice to have the same vacation schedules because I know that a friend of mine who is engaged to a lawyer hates that she has so much time off for Christmas and summer but they can't do a lot of vacationing together because he doesn't get that much time off.

Definitely! I have friends outside of school who don't understand that reading and writing actually take time....they assume that studying English Lit is a piece of cake. I think you advice definitely encourages me not to shut all doors...perhaps dating someone outside of my field might be something to think about. Thanks for your help!

[Timshel]

Yeah, I'm in English Lit and my husband is in History. It's nice because some of our stuff overlaps, but we're separate enough.