Grad school makes me want to kill myself

[WornOutGrad]

and then the warm fuzzies get sucked away by your fascist adviser!

[fuzzylogician]

and then the warm fuzzies get sucked away by your fascist adviser!

I just thought I'd throw this out there - I don't know if this holds in your case, but I can see how the behavior that you are describing as pushy and fascist can be viewed by your advisor as encouraging and supportive. Different students need different kinds of mentoring, but I certainly know some who need close supervision to get work done. I can also imagine how a professor might view telling a student that they should pursue a prestigious PhD program in a far away place as a compliment to their skills, not as trying to ruin their lives. Maybe it would help if you had an honest conversation with your advisor about your plans for the future?

[WornOutGrad]

I just thought I'd throw this out there - I don't know if this holds in your case, but I can see how the behavior that you are describing as pushy and fascist can be viewed by your advisor as encouraging and supportive. Different students need different kinds of mentoring, but I certainly know some who need close supervision to get work done. I can also imagine how a professor might view telling a student that they should pursue a prestigious PhD program in a far away place as a compliment to their skills, not as trying to ruin their lives. Maybe it would help if you had an honest conversation with your advisor about your plans for the future?

The truth is that I have, many times. That's not the only problem with her though. It's a long story. But I was making more of a joke above.

[WornOutGrad]

Oh, but I do think that's really sweet though. I think it's both a creative bonding experience and a way to share your passion with your child! <3

I hope I get that opportunity someday.

[smith762]

I wish I had some great advice to offer on this topic, but all I have is sympathy. I'm in my third semester of grad school and I feel the same way as many of the other commenters. I moved away from all of my friends to come to grad school and pursue the career I've been dreaming of since I was in high school. I honestly thought it would be great to explore a new city, make new friends that have similar interests, and get started in a profession that I was sure I would love. I have always been a very happy and content person, good at making friends and adapting to new situations. After 9 months of grad school, I don't even know who I am anymore. Every day is a huge struggle, I'm so exhausted every night from being in class all day with the same 24 people that I somehow have nothing in common with and can't connect with even though we're all around the same age and have a huge shared interest. I just feel depressed and angry at everything now, I don't even care about my future profession or making friends. If it wasn't for my boyfriend, who is an amazing support system, I don't think I could get out of bed in the morning to be honest. I think it's insane that so many people live this way, basically zombies just going through the motions of their lives- I never thought I would be one of those people. I've tried to pull myself out of this hole. I work out every day, eat very healthy, limit my caffeine, get as much sleep as possible, try to go out and do things I used to enjoy when I have time, etc., but nothing makes me feel any better. I can't imagine how I will get through the next 2 years of my program, and even if I do, I wonder if my life after grad school could possibly be good enough to make all this worth it. I feel like grad school is taking away everything I liked about myself and my life and I don't know what to do about it. Has anyone else felt like this and found a way to overcome it?

[Arcadian]

If money and social status are factors involved with your depression, please realize that it is not your fault. Depression is, to a large extent, a socially-induced illness. I am a huge advocate of emphasizing environmental factors in mental illness. Is it your fault that education, a social institution for gaining knowledge and skills, has the potential to strip you of your present and future resources (financial and otherwise)? Of course not. Your biggest mistake would be to conflate a social problem with a self problem.

Once you acknowledge this fact, you can begin to adjust your thoughts and behaviors accordingly. When you find yourself thinking something negative, correct it by responding with an equal-and-opposite positive thought. If you have to, make yourself obsessed with positive thinking. Cognition affects behavior, and vice versa.

Then we move inside the head. It is known that depression, whether it is endogenous or exogenous in nature, correlates with a chemical imbalance in the brain. The details are still being worked out, but what is known is that certain classes of medicine (e.g. selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, or SSRIs) are as effective as the best psychotherapy currently available (e.g. cognitive behavior therapy, or CBT). There are no known long-term risks associated with medicine like this, so in a sense you have nothing to lose in trying it. Considering the current movement in psychiatry to emphasize biological mechanisms, you would have little trouble acquiring a prescription for such a medicine. (When you consider that their efficacy is often matched by a placebo effect, this might seem discouraging. But the placebo effect actually involves the same internal mechanism as taking anti-depressants - except that the mechanism is initiated by endogenous agents.)

As far as the broad question of "how to live one's life," my advice is to make a list of priorities and distribute your time according to those priorities. If raising a family is your number one priority, then you should spend more time with that than anything else. Sometimes we have to sacrifice things that are incompatible with other things in our lives. My personal #1 priority is to learn as much as I possibly can about my field and contribute something novel to that field. So in my case, graduate school makes me very happy. I can't imagine doing anything else. But I don't expect everyone to be like me. I also think it helps to make everything in your life "continuous" (as opposed to the "compartmental" approach suggested elsewhere in this topic). I think a compartmental life can work, but it is likely to be less satisfying than a life in which everything you do fits together cohesively. I a'm not one person at school, a different person with friends, a different person with family, and a different person alone. I am consistently me. And I am happy about that.

[nikki3927]

I felt that way too, about college. Everyone said it was normal and don't drop out, it would be okay. Well, it wasn't okay. I was miserable and would give anything in the world to go back in time and drop out and have those years back. If you feel that way about grad school, then it may not be for you. Grad school isn't for me either (I'm thinking of dropping it) and it isn't for everyone, and you just don't continue something that makes you feel like killing yourself. Do something you love instead and don't let anyone tell you to stick it out if you don't want to.

-a quitting validator