Sexual harassment

[anonanonanon]

-deleted-

Thanks so much for the advice, everyone! I'm taking it.

Edited August 15, 2011 by anonanonanon

[fuzzylogician]

Given that it's only a week and given the many benefits that ploughing through it will bring, I am tempted to say - find a way to make it work. But then I wonder what he is doing exactly that is making feel uncomfortable and if there is a way to change your behavior in a way that will make his behavior affect you less.. Staying away is a good start but maybe you can also do things differently when you have to be in the same room with him? Like sit farther away, be very correct, not encourage him in any way? I'm trying to write this so that it's clear that I don't think this your fault in any way, just trying to work with what is given. If it's really only a week I understand why you would not want to cause any waves. But is it really only a week? Writing a paper is a process and it takes time. Can you do that without meeting with him at all? That is also something to consider.

[ktel]

Your situation is my worst fear. I recently read an article by Naomi Wolf about sexual harassment at Yale: http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/features/n_9932/

She expressed many of the same things you have. Most institutions do not make it easy for women to come forward about sexual harassment, particularly when it involves faculty, and especially when it involves star faculty.

I understand you not wanting to put any details, but how can you "think" he's sexually harassing you? Are you simply confused because of your history of abuse, or are you unsure whether his behavior constitutes harassment? I would support you in thinking that it is harassment if it is making you feel uncomfortable.

Is there any way you can avoid being alone with him? Are there other students/people that you work with that you could perhaps confide in, or if not confide in, try to keep around more often? How much longer does the internship last?

[Strangefox]

I am very sorry it is happening with me. But you write that you need to "just hold out one more week". One week will pass very quickly! IF it escalates (but may be it won't) then you can confront him, I guess. But I am almost sure it won't, don't know why, may be I am an optimist Seriously, one week! It cannot be that bad. Meanwhile, concentrate on your work and don't say a thing. Most probably you won't have to.

But... without any details about what is really going on it's hard to say whether he is really harassing you or not. May be it's your negative experience that makes you too suspicious.

Look on the bright side. It's only one week left and then you will have a reference letter from a star prof! You will have great experience after doing this internship. I think that is totally awesome!

Hold on there and good luck!!

[anonanonanon]

Thank you so much for the quick replies! I've been quietly freaking out over here and it's so good to get some level-headed advice from other people in academia.

As for me "thinking" it's sexual harassment -- well, actually, I'm more like 99% certain. I just think I tend to minimize things like this because of my past experience and being in denial that I'd let anything like that ever happen to me again.

It's not like he's saying "have sex with me or you don't get to work with me" or anything like that -- nothing near so extreme, thank god. It's just things he says and ways he touches me that make me extremely uncomfortable, to the point of physical nausea.

I can definitely stick it out. I just need to remember to stay objective, do what I need to do.

To be honest, a lot of this has made me question my ability as an academic. Like, am I really all that smart? Am I really good enough to have landed this internship, or am I only here because he is sexually attracted to me? Does he give me more opportunities and treat me differently because I've got a lot of potential (which is what he tells me, at least) or because he wants to charm me? Ugh I hate feeling like this.

Edited August 15, 2011 by anonanonanon

[Strangefox]

It's just things he says and ways he touches me that make me extremely uncomfortable, to the point of physical nausea.

This is terrible By the way, this professor is American, right? I mean, in different cultures "private space" is different. May be he is, like, Italian, - you know they stand closer to each other and I believe they can touch their interlocutor in a friendly manner from time to time just because it's a norm in their culture. Just an idea...

I can definitely stick it out one more week. I just need to remember to stay objective, do what I need to do.

As I've said, I am sure one week will fly by so quickly that you won't even notice that!

To be honest, a lot of this has made me question my ability as an academic. Like, am I really all that smart? Am I really good enough to have landed this internship, or am I only here because he is sexually attracted to me? Does he give me more opportunities and treat me differently because I've got a lot of potential (which is what he tells me, at least) or because he wants to charm me? Ugh I hate feeling like this.

I am sure it is not so! I am sure you are a smart person and THAT is why you have received this internship. Don't let this situation lead you to question your abilities as an academic!!

[anonanonanon]

Thanks so much, Shadowfox. Would you mind if I PMed you with actual details to get your thoughts on the situation as-is?

[ktel]

Thank you so much for the quick replies! I've been quietly freaking out over here and it's so good to get some level-headed advice from other people in academia.

As for me "thinking" it's sexual harassment -- well, actually, I'm more like 99% certain. I just think I tend to minimize things like this because of my past experience and being in denial that I'd let anything like that ever happen to me again.

It's not like he's saying "have sex with me or you don't get to work with me" or anything like that -- nothing near so extreme, thank god. It's just things he says and ways he touches me that make me extremely uncomfortable, to the point of physical nausea.

I can definitely stick it out. I just need to remember to stay objective, do what I need to do.

To be honest, a lot of this has made me question my ability as an academic. Like, am I really all that smart? Am I really good enough to have landed this internship, or am I only here because he is sexually attracted to me? Does he give me more opportunities and treat me differently because I've got a lot of potential (which is what he tells me, at least) or because he wants to charm me? Ugh I hate feeling like this.

I would suggest you try to emphasize to him, through your body language, that his touching is inappropriate. Very obviously move away from him and don't react to any inappropriate comments he might make.

His behavior disgusts me and the fact that he is making you question yourself as an academic pisses me off. You are a smart, talented individual and don't let his behavior affect your perception of yourself.

[anonanonanon]

I'll definitely try to be as clear as possible. I guess I'm not clear where the lines are with how obvious I can be. I mean, if it were anyone else I'd tell them directly that I find this sort of stuff inappropriate, but I don't want to burn any bridges (especially such huge, important ones as this).

I'm trying to remember all the other people who have complimented me on my work, and how they had absolutely nothing to gain from it. Used to be that I felt so thrilled every time he told me how much he thought of the quality of my work, and now it makes me wonder if he's trying to play on my narcissism/ego. Which makes me embarrassed for myself, for believing it and being so flattered and happy.

Thanks again for all of your comments. I really appreciate it, more than I could possibly say.

ETA: He's American, by the way. That's certainly worthy to note.

Edited August 15, 2011 by anonanonanon

[ktel]

Also, are there any other women who work with him or have worked with him in that past? Maybe you could get in touch with them and see if it's a persistent problem. You wouldn't have to straight up ask them "Did he sexually harass you?" but if he did, it might come through in the way they speak about this particular professor. If there are other women currently working with him (or men for that manner) try to only be around him when they are there too.

[Strangefox]

Thanks so much, Shadowfox. Would you mind if I PMed you with actual details to get your thoughts on the situation as-is?

If you mean me (I am Strangefox ) - sure! I am waiting for your message!

[anonanonanon]

If you mean me (I am Strangefox ) - sure! I am waiting for your message!

Ahahaha yes, sorry. I'm on another board where there is someone named Shadowfox. My bad.

[Strangefox]

Ahahaha yes, sorry. I'm on another board where there is someone named Shadowfox. My bad.

No problem

[anonanonanon]

Message sent!