Only American in program; how to make friends with international students?

[hejduk]

I'm the only American in my new grad program, with the rest of my cohort being students that have recently relocated to the US. I feel like it's tough to approach the other students, and that it's tough to speak with them because I'm American. How can I be more approachable and friendly?

I'm going to be with these people for 4+ years, so I want to make sure that we at least get along. I absolutely love other cultures, but sometimes feel like I'm tough to approach as they're all international students. They have a shared experience as they're all experiencing a new country and culture, while I'm just experiencing a new program. Hard to create bonds with people, so how do I try and find common bonds?

Anyone have advice on how to come off as more approachable/friendly? I don't wanna be the typical loud/obnoxious American!!

Edited August 27, 2011 by bgk

[Eigen]

I've found the best way to make friendships with students from other countries is to ask questions, talk about their country, and most of all help them get accustomed to life here.

I'm the only domestic student in my research group, and it can be quite hard not to feel like an outsider- they all share a native language (which is predominately what they speak int eh lab) that I don't, they hang out a lot after school, they do lunches en masse most days, etc.

But I started inviting them to do things outside of work just like I would any other student, and it worked great. In addition, it's opened up a great mine of information on another culture-food, perspective on life, etc.

[newms]

As someone who is a new international student, one approach I think would work is check if they're settling well and offer to help if they need it. Also, they'll be looking to make friends as well, since they're in a new city in a new country and may not know many people (unless perhaps if there are other students from their country). So like Eigen suggested, invite them to do stuff outside of work and see how it goes.

[Eigen]

Yeah, mine is an unusual situation in that I'm sandwiched between 3 senior grad students and 2 younger grad students of the same nationality- when we had a bit more evenly balanced group, people spoke English more in the lab, but now that I'm the only native English speaker that's stopped for the most part.

We all have good working relationships and do things outside of work, though- I was just commenting that the higher the proportion of international students, especially if they're largely from one country, can reverse the insider/outsider phenomena a bit.

[Ennue]

I am an international student myself, just moved to the US for graduate school, so this is based on my personal preferences. I think that expressing some interest in their culture could work - I haven't met anyone else from my country yet so I like talking about it a bit, because of course I miss home. And helping people to settle in is great - maybe you have a car and they don't, so you can show them a bit of the town or state. But mostly, they will probably know American tv shows, or movies, or music; they may enjoy sports; they may like looking at or creating art; they may love going on hiking trips; they may play video games when they're at home - and it's much more fun to chat about those things than about "weird American culture" or "so what food do you eat in your country".

I am so much more than "international" and therefore there is so much more to discuss with me than "life as an international student". So mention your hobbies, see if anyone looks interested - maybe they already love it, maybe they would like to try it. We're all multifaceted people, I'm sure you'll be able to find some common ground

To the person in the lab with students who often don't speak English: that absolutely sucks and is, in my opinion, very inconsiderate. I hope your situation changes!

[Eigen]

Meh, maybe in a few more years I'll have enough of a grasp on Chinese to make it work

[hejduk]

All great advice! I actually had someone email me and further give details about how to communicate. Man I love this place!!

[Amogh]

@eigen: That's the spirit . hehe. but seriously that is really sad and inconsiderate of your labmates.

[kaykaykay]

International students often befriend each other because they share the experience of being the outsider. I am an international student and we often discuss the strangeness of the US and laugh about things. I think you have to be open about all discussion topics and accept that some jokes are on America and Americans (culture shock is tough and it is a common experience) . Also some of my American friends have very different sense of humor than my international friends, I guess because people are very straightforward here so I am often nervous that they will take my humor in the wrong way. In my experience international students stick together too because they arrive without friends -they are "speed making friends"-and sometimes friendships are more personal in other countries (not all).

In the beginning of the year international students end up staring at each other without much clue which bar to go and with all the Americans gone . I would recommend budgeting some time on going to social events (where they try to make friends) and hanging out in the begining of the semester with them.

[Behavioral]

I'm kinda in the same boat as Eigen.

For my program, it's myself and two Koreans from Korea who typically speak to each other in Korean even when it's just the three of us studying or prepping for a seminar. I don't really have much of a problem with it since it's forced me to get to know the older students in my program better and socialize more, in general.

[nehs]

You have got great suggestions here. I'm an international student and the only one in my class. So the situation is a reverse of your situation

Some one here mentioned about mistaking jokes and being straigtforward. I think that's part of the problem. They might be having a different notion about americans.

you say they are all experiencing a new country - so why not be a part of their exploration? Suggest that you all meet up some day - not outside the campus but may be inside the campus , like the cafetaria...this way they will be more open about the meeting. Start from there. Since they are all enrolled in a PhD program, I assume they are fluent in English. so your meeting could be in english(its sad that they use their first language in the lab; I NEVER do that except when I am home). Start talking about generic stuff: which country(specifically) are you from? So how do u like it so far? where are u living? etc. Just start off and see if they reciprocate(i think they will).

Then if u guys meet a second time, you could start discussing about the courses/classes etc. And hopefully it will be smooth from there.

Good Luck!

[Henry Hudson]

a lot of good advice here. as alienated as you feel, remember you're still at least in your own country! Their group-cohesiveness is at least in part a too for them to deal with their own culture shock.

If I were in your shoes, I'd try to find some one-on-one bonding, rather than waiting to be part of the group. Help them as individuals, bond with them, and yes, learn some of their language from them! If your field is seeing a great shift in terms of other nationalities' participation, you'd be doing yourself a favor by being able to connect with more of them - and maintain ties with your current cohort as you all go forward in your professional lives.