Discussing potential relocation in a new relationship

[harpyemma]

I'm looking for some advice on if/how/when to broach this topic with my partner.

I'm in a fairly new relationship, about 3.5months so far. My partner is in the final stages of his PhD and will be finished in late Spring next year. I'm in the last couple of weeks of my MA at the moment and will be applying for PhD programs in the next few months.

We're both currently based in the UK. He's applying for a job (and will probably get it) at one of the biggest names in Silicon Valley, to begin sometime after his PhD finishes. He's also applying for a similar (but less well-paid by some way) job in London, and has offers on the table for several jobs where we are now.

I'm applying for PhDs all over--a couple in the vicinity of SiValley (though Stanford is obviously much closer than Berkeley; a couple in the Midwest; a few on the East Coast and a few in the UK (a couple in London; Cambridge, a couple in the north).

We're both aware of what the other is doing. But we haven't talked about it once--probably, i think, because we're still in the v early stages of the relationship. Having said that, it's clear that we're both really into each other and i do think we ought to talk about it. I just don't know how! I don't want to be presumptuous about the seriousness of the relationship, nor do i want to put the cart before the horse and start worrying about something before it happens.

At the same time, i don't want to get more attached to this guy only to find out that he's moving to CA and i've only got PhD offers thousands of miles away--nor do i want him to feel like i'm pressuring him to take (or not take) a certain career path--i.e. sacrifice his plans--for my benefit.

If he moves to the US, he'll be locked into whatever job he takes for c. 4 yrs in order to get his green card. If i do a US PhD i'll be locked in whatever city i'm in for at least 5yrs. If i do a PhD in the UK we're looking at 3-4yrs. I don't think i can do a long distance relationship for that long--especially on the back of what'll be maybe only 9 months of being together! There's a small chance our paths will line up--he'll get his SiValley job and i'll get admitted to Stanford; he'll be offered a London job and King's or UCL can fund me--but the odds really are stacked.

How does one even begin to discuss this sort of heavy stuff in a relatively young relationship?

(The crazy, untrusting, afraid-of-getting-hurt part of me wants to just stop seeing him now and get it over with.)

[qbtacoma]

As you acknowledge, it is ill-advised to change your long-term career goals for the sake of a relationship this young. I would suggest just enjoying the relationship for what it is, as it is happening, and not thinking too deeply about the future. If it turns out that you can't stay together, then you will have made wonderful memories without regret; and if you do get to be together, great! However, some folks don't like to be in a relationship at all unless they know there is a decent chance of being together in the long term, so this advice wouldn't work for you if that is your preferred relationship style.

ETA: Rereading this, it doesn't actually give you advice on the question you ask, so here's what I think: don't talk about it until a choice is actually before you, i.e. there's an offer to go to the job/school. I think this because if you talk about it beforehand, it will distract from enjoying the relationship in the moment. Again, though, this method may or may not work for you.

Edited September 5, 2011 by qbtacoma

[dimanche0829]

There's a lot of maybes and what-ifs on your table right now and I'm sure it's uncomfortable, but I second the first response. Enjoy your relationship for what it is and talk about the heavy stuff once you start to know the definites. With any luck, you'll both be able to make it work. If not, just remember that, at the end of the day, you need to do what's best for you. Good luck!

[Sigaba]

harpyemma--

In contrast to the thoughtful replies of qbtacoma and dimanche0829, I suggest that you consider the advantages of continuing the discussion you've already initiated with your guy sooner rather than later. Many small discussions over a period of time might work better for you than a big one at the next to last moment.

What ever choices you make, make sure that both of you know that you're doing it for yourself. This frame of mind will liberate both of you from the "I did this for you" argument that might be especially uncomfortable after a sitting through an earthquake.

(Notice how I tied together "big one" and earthquake? That's because after a modest 4.1 earthquake last week, the experts reminded us how overdue we are for something major. )

[harpyemma]

harpyemma--

In contrast to the thoughtful replies of qbtacoma and dimanche0829, I suggest that you consider the advantages of continuing the discussion you've already initiated with your guy sooner rather than later. Many small discussions over a period of time might work better for you than a big one at the next to last moment.

What ever choices you make, make sure that both of you know that you're doing it for yourself. This frame of mind will liberate both of you from the "I did this for you" argument that might be especially uncomfortable after a sitting through an earthquake.

(Notice how I tied together "big one" and earthquake? That's because after a modest 4.1 earthquake last week, the experts reminded us how overdue we are for something major. )

Yeah--this is the trouble: thinking about what's most probable, odds are we'll break up or someone will change their plans, because it's so unlikely that our paths will magically converge on their own. But how much would either of us change our plans? I'm not interested in changing my plans like woah--and i wouldn't want him to do that for me either. I would never say no to an offer from Chicago (for example) just to hold out for a Stanford offer in next yr's applications; similarly, i wouldn't expect him to decline a killer job offer in CA just to follow me to Midwest.

But, would he be willing to take a London job over a CA job if I got amazing funding here? Would I be willing to choose London over New York if he were taking a London job?

It still seems too early to ask these questions (even to myself; i don't know what my answer would be!), but if we both think "no way", then it becomes quite obvious (to me) that not seeing each other any more would be the best course of action to avoid protracted heartache on either side.

He should know about his job application by mid November. I guess that's not too long to wait to bring it up--and we'll have something concrete to work with instead of ifs and buts and maybes--but in ten weeks a lot can happen.

[northstar22]

These type of situations are exactly why I don't date other grad students -- there's too much potential for separation / relocation / upheaval, and I know that long-distance relationships rarely work out.

For what it's worth (not much), I would put love over career. While I love academia, if I did meet that "special someone" and needed to "settle down" in a location, I'd be willing to give up my dream for her. I'm not sure how you guys feel about that, but it's definitely something worth discussing.

[dimanche0829]

These type of situations are exactly why I don't date other grad students -- there's too much potential for separation / relocation / upheaval, and I know that long-distance relationships rarely work out.

For what it's worth (not much), I would put love over career. While I love academia, if I did meet that "special someone" and needed to "settle down" in a location, I'd be willing to give up my dream for her. I'm not sure how you guys feel about that, but it's definitely something worth discussing.

I think it's difficult for both those who choose love over career and those who choose career over love, and that each person must choose what's best for them. At the end of the day, we can all say "I would never," or "I would definitely," but there are so many mitigating factors that can change the game in the blink of an eye.

[Sigaba]

"Failing to plan is planning to fail" -- John Wooden.

[northstar22]

I think it's difficult for both those who choose love over career and those who choose career over love, and that each person must choose what's best for them. At the end of the day, we can all say "I would never," or "I would definitely," but there are so many mitigating factors that can change the game in the blink of an eye.

Very, very true. I'm certainly not saying it's an easy choice -- it's agonizing for all parties involved, with either choice involving a huge sacrifice.

[dimanche0829]

Very, very true. I'm certainly not saying it's an easy choice -- it's agonizing for all parties involved, with either choice involving a huge sacrifice.

Oh, no, I didn't think you were - Sorry if it came off that way! I meant it more to commend you on saying that you would choose love over career, but also to commend those who would choose the opposite. Both situations are incredibly tough and require an immense amount of courage to get through. I have nothing but the deepest respect for those who can weather a storm to do what they believe is right.

[Two Espressos]

Ugh, this thread reminds me that I'm terrible at relationships! I'm currently "dating" a guy (as in going on dates but not an "official" relationship), and he mentioned that he plans to go to California for music school after he finishes his BS (which will be in fall of 2012). I actually brought up the schools that I could attend that would be nearby (California does have a great array of English programs, such as Stanford, UC Berkeley, UC Irvine, UC Santa Cruz). And we're not even dating! It was a terrible mistake on my part. We both are very attracted to each other, and we will likely be an official couple soon. But he said that it was foolish to think about these things so far in advance; he was right.

I realize that that anecdote was largely tangential, but I hope it was of some use.

[harpyemma]

Ugh, this thread reminds me that I'm terrible at relationships! I'm currently "dating" a guy (as in going on dates but not an "official" relationship), and he mentioned that he plans to go to California for music school after he finishes his BS (which will be in fall of 2012). I actually brought up the schools that I could attend that would be nearby (California does have a great array of English programs, such as Stanford, UC Berkeley, UC Irvine, UC Santa Cruz). And we're not even dating! It was a terrible mistake on my part. We both are very attracted to each other, and we will likely be an official couple soon. But he said that it was foolish to think about these things so far in advance; he was right.

I realize that that anecdote was largely tangential, but I hope it was of some use.

Yikes, that does sound awkward! I think i'm too much the other way, myself. That is, more likely to, instead of thinking about all the ways i could make something hypothetical like that work, just say "well, fuck it" and stop seeing the guy. I'm really avoidant like that.

But, yeah, relationships are confusing.

[Two Espressos]

Yikes, that does sound awkward! I think i'm too much the other way, myself. That is, more likely to, instead of thinking about all the ways i could make something hypothetical like that work, just say "well, fuck it" and stop seeing the guy. I'm really avoidant like that.

But, yeah, relationships are confusing.

Indeed they are! And yes, that situation was extremely awkward for me.

[bluejay16]

Relationships don't survive unless there is communication, regardless of the situation. I would advise you to communicate your desires instead of secretly wondering what would happen. If you desire to go into a great program somewhere different from his prospective job location, you should communicate that. If you also desire to continue the relationship, you should communicate that also. Then let him decide what his reactions are and ask him to communicate with you his desires too. After all, a relationship is made up of two people making choices about themselves and how they affect each other. Hope my two cents will help.

[ktel]

I was in a similar situation at the beginning of my current relationship. We had been dating for about 3 months, he was graduating and I had a year to go. He basically had to decide whether to move away to take a full time position in another city, or stay and work or study for a year until I was finished. He stayed and got an M.Eng. degree, and I have now moved way with him so he can take that full time position. We've been together for 2 years and are currently living together. We did rush into things, but we had to. There were no "what-ifs" we had to make a decision, and it worked out well for us.