Marrying a foreign national while in grad school-good idea?

[slothrop99]

Hi,

I've recently returned from the Peace Corps and I'm thinking of marrying my Central American girlfriend and bringing her to the States to be with me. She doesn't speak English, and would probably be pretty reliant on me at first as far as getting accustomed to life in the States, making friends, and learning English. I have no doubt that she can do it (her strength and adaptability are two of the myriad reasons why I love her). However, I'm starting to doubt whether or not this is a good idea, because I've heard that grad school requires complete devotion of any and all of one's time.

My question to all of you current grad students is: does grad school (particularly foreign service/public policy programs) make relationships impossible? Would the time commitment make my relationship with my future wife impossible? Should I try to wait 2 years until I'm done with school? I've explained to her that I might be spending 10-12 hours away from her every day, studying, and she gave me a great reply: "I'd rather have you home every night than not see you for two years." What say ye grad students?

Any and all replies appreciated!

Tyrone Slothrop

[IvyHope]

I mean, I've been a grad student for 2.5 years now, and managed to maintain a relationship with a lawyer. He works some weeks up to 90 hours, so his schedule is at times much more hectic than mine. We manage to spend 5-6 evenings per week together. Some evenings are spent working in coffee shops, but we have fun too.

I have no weekends. Every day is a work day, with the occasional sleeping in on Sat/Sun. The most stressful times for the married peers I've known in the program happened during dissertation phase, but that's not so bad. Coursework isn't going to take that much time.

I'm a full time grad student, complete with teaching assistantship, with an additional part time internship. I make it work with a full time corporate lawyer. I think it's manageable.

[rising_star]

I've known lots of people that have done it. One of my favorite people in my cohort moved here on a Fulbright from Chile with his wife, who doesn't speak much English. They were able to find a network of other Chileans at the University and she's been able to make friends of her own, find work, and improve her English. If there's a will, there's likely a way.

[LissatheCocoa]

Speaking more generally to relationships and not necessarily with foreign nationals, grad school does not make relationships impossible, they just mean that you have to work harder to keep the relationship going. My fiance and I have what I call a "short-distance relationship" -- he's in the military, stationed in southern New Jersey while I work on my Ph.D in New York City. He works full-time during the week and lives on base; I go to school full-time during the week and live here. He comes up to New York for the weekends. My commitment to him is to do as much as possible during the week, essentially treating graduate school like a M-F job. When he comes up here, we do fun things like museums and movies or sightseeing, or we just relax together. His commitment to me is that if I absolutely have to do work on the weekends (and I often do), he's understanding about it. I usually do any work that I have in the evenings while he's sleeping or doing something else. And he generally leaves for home around 5:30 Sunday evening, so I have time to wrap up some work before schools starts again on Monday.

I'd say it could be both easier and harder if you live together -- you have the advantage of seeing your loved one every evening, sleeping in the same bed, the ability to do things on weekdays if you really need a weekend to study. But it can be more difficult because your loved one may want you to do things more often, since you live together, and you have to stress that you need to get work done. It's a balancing act -- what you really need is a supportive, understanding significant other who realizes that your work is really important to you, and ideally who also feels that it's important that you finish what you want to do. When I express my desire to quit every other week to my fiance, he always tells me to keep pushing through and finish, even though I know he'd love for me to move in with him on base. And on the flip side, you need to be understanding too. Understand that your SO could probably care less about your research or your work and really just wants you nearby. I make it a policy (after several failed attempts) not to talk about my research and my schoolwork during the weekend with my SO, at least not extensively. It's refreshing, really, to get away from it.

Honestly, in my estimation personal relationships are more important than graduate school. If it really came down to a showdown between graduate school (as a whole) and my fiance grad school would lose every time.

[slothrop99]

Thank you all so much for your replies. The more I think about it (and the more I read replies like yours), I think that bringing her up here and making things work isn't at all impossible. People do it all the time, I'm sure. And I completely agree with you Lissa - I think personal relationships ought to come before just about anything else. Certainly before grad school. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to help me out.

Tyrone

[deianira]

It's not at all impossible. Just keep in mind that she will not be able to legally work a a little while after you bring her in, and might not be able to find real work for a long while if she doesn't speak English. So you will be supporting both of you on a graduate student's stipend.

[GringaTica]

Hey, from experience, I can tell you that it's totally possible. My now husband and I met while I was living in Costa Rica. Imoved away for grad school (masters) and moved back to live in the same country as him (what a novel idea, we thought!) and we decided to get married specifically so that he could come to the US with me for my PhD (he would never have been eligible for a visa any other way). I think the biggest decision you'll need to face will be what immigration route will you take (note that even a civil marriage -even in central america -would mean that she could work as soon as she arrived - a BIG bonus on a grad student stipend!).

My partner spoke very little English when we arrived, he's now in free ESL classes at a community center, working in dining services on campus (ie has full benefits). The hardest part for him has been making friends of his own - he's joined a sports league and we've made a new year's resolution to hang out less with my classmates and find more people we both have things in common with.

So, as long as you're willing to make it work - and willing to be patient and understanding of the HUGE transition that is moving to a new country (as I remind myself when tensions run high at home, I know how it feels, and how difficult it is because I moved to Costa Rica without friends of my own). If you have more questions of want to talk abou tthis further, feel free to send me a private message. Mi esposo and I are full of international relationship advice and ideas!

[dysmetria]

IMO, GringaTica has given the most practical advice so far.

[purplepepper]

Hey are people still around on this thread?

I've just been accepted to my top choice for graduate school, and also planning on getting married in the very near future...my husband-to-be is Japanese and quite a bit older than me, but as it is, he's really excited about moving to the USA and starting a whole new life. His English is so-so, enough to get around, and he makes friends so easily. He's actually a karate instructor (6th black belt!) and his knowledge about everything karate is encyclopedic. He's been to the US a few times before and taught some karate seminars there, so I know that he'd be fine teaching his own class. While there already is a karate club on campus, there is nothing competitive...I was hoping that he could start one. He's more than qualified to do so (actually has the qualifications on paper...) While this is pretty specific to my situation, I'm wondering if anyone has any experience on just contacting administrators out of nowhere and asking them to support your spouse while you study..well not to put it exactly that way, but if your spouse could somehow get a job in some kind of respect? Do I make sense?

I also realize that community involvement would be another option, but it would be nice if he could experience university culture.

It's been really wonderful to read over these messages, I'm scared sh*tless about bringing him over, but if everyone says that it's not impossible, it must be true. Right?

[inactive_since_inf]

First reaction : "Marrying a foreign national while in grad school-good idea?" : What!

Second reaction : Well .... maybe... :?

Third reaction: Is it possible?

Finally : I gotta read what others have pitched in.... hmm..

[slothrop99]

Hey are people still around on this thread?

I've just been accepted to my top choice for graduate school, and also planning on getting married in the very near future...my husband-to-be is Japanese and quite a bit older than me, but as it is, he's really excited about moving to the USA and starting a whole new life. His English is so-so, enough to get around, and he makes friends so easily. He's actually a karate instructor (6th black belt!) and his knowledge about everything karate is encyclopedic. He's been to the US a few times before and taught some karate seminars there, so I know that he'd be fine teaching his own class. While there already is a karate club on campus, there is nothing competitive...I was hoping that he could start one. He's more than qualified to do so (actually has the qualifications on paper...) While this is pretty specific to my situation, I'm wondering if anyone has any experience on just contacting administrators out of nowhere and asking them to support your spouse while you study..well not to put it exactly that way, but if your spouse could somehow get a job in some kind of respect? Do I make sense?

I also realize that community involvement would be another option, but it would be nice if he could experience university culture.

It's been really wonderful to read over these messages, I'm scared sh*tless about bringing him over, but if everyone says that it's not impossible, it must be true. Right?

Hi Mims. From your description of your husband-to-be, it sounds like he would do absolutely fine as a newly-minted, US green card holder. He has good job prospects doing something he'd enjoy, basic English and the ability to learn more, enthusiasm about living here, and someone (you) to lean on if adjustment throws him a curveball.

I think it really all depends on you and whether or not you're ready to take that step. I don't know much about US-Japan visa protocol, but can he visit or get a visa without marriage? If I were you, I might take the relationship for a test drive on US soil before tying the knot. But maybe this is impossible - it is in my case, anyway.

My Central American girlfriend lives in a country that does not have the greatest diplomatic ties to the US. In her country, only rich and well-connected people can get visas, and she is neither. So, the ONLY way that we could be together here in the states while I'm in grad school is marriage. Granted, I'm almost 30 and it's probably high time I get my sh*t together, but marriage is not something I thought I'd do anytime soon, if ever. But I love this girl, and find myself pretty excited about the idea of spending my life with her. So marriage it is. Ideally, I would bring her up here and we'd see if the States suited her, if our relationship would change at all now that we're on "my turf", etc. etc. But that is impossible due to the absurdity of our immigration laws.

All in all, I think that I would forever be kicking myself if I did not take this leap. Yes, it will be difficult: I don't know how I'm going to react to graduate school, she doesn't speak English (yet), she'd be very dependent on me at first, she might hate it here - a million things could go wrong. But that could be said of any relationship. People have surmounted greater challenges than this, and I say that if you're up for it, take that leap.

[purplepepper]

My Central American girlfriend lives in a country that does not have the greatest diplomatic ties to the US. In her country, only rich and well-connected people can get visas, and she is neither. So, the ONLY way that we could be together here in the states while I'm in grad school is marriage. Granted, I'm almost 30 and it's probably high time I get my sh*t together, but marriage is not something I thought I'd do anytime soon, if ever. But I love this girl, and find myself pretty excited about the idea of spending my life with her. So marriage it is. Ideally, I would bring her up here and we'd see if the States suited her, if our relationship would change at all now that we're on "my turf", etc. etc. But that is impossible due to the absurdity of our immigration laws.

All in all, I think that I would forever be kicking myself if I did not take this leap.

Thanks for the reply slothrop, it was really encouraging, and definitely helped to calm my fears a bit. Japan-US relations isn't terrible, but we do have to get married for him to get the visa, so I'm really in the same boat as you! Didn't really think I'd be getting married any time soon and even though the circumstance isn't the most romantic, you do what you have to do to stay together because at the end of the day, well, love is all you got. I'll be going to the consulate on Monday to sign some forms, and then all we have to do is turn the marriage form into the city office. It's weird that that's all that makes you "married" kinda like it though. I'm all for undramatic!

[comgeek]

Well, I read almost all of the comments posted previously and saw that it could go on. So don't hesitate in life and take the risk and you'll see what you've done is working out somehow, but the things you need it to be done are mostly up to you. People can be so rueful about what they don't do before.

So, good luck :wink:

[watanabe]

For all of you who are doing/have done this, I have a question regarding actually procuring the green card for your spouse:

My background: Japanese father, American mother, born/raised in the USA, lived there until 18, have a us pasport/social security/etc. I left the country in 2003 to pursue my undergraduate degree in Japan. I am now 23 and have been married for almost a year, and have a 4 month old daughter (my wife is a Japanese national). Both of us speak fluent English, and my Japanese is passable.

I am graduating with an undergraduate degree in June, and have been accepted to Master's programs in the states (only U of Michigan so far, waiting to hear back from harvard/yale/princeton/MIT) to study architecture.

I have been pre-approved to receive assistance from the Japanese government in the form of a 150,000yen/month (approx 1500$USD) loan, which accrues no interest while I'm enrolled, and does not have to be paid back until 6 months after whenever I graduate (3.5 year degree), and it only has a 2% interest rate!

My other income has been from teaching English (20 hours a week) and earning approximately 1-1.2k USD$ a month, depending on exchange rates. I only started doing this in April of '08, so my income in 2008 was pretty low (maybe 8-9k, not enough to have to file taxes, I think?).

Now I am in the process of trying to get a visa for my wife to live in the states while I load up on debt and get a degree which will (hopefully) allow me to support my small family (my undergrad was in "liberal arts" and I have no interest in becoming an investment banker/consultant).

From my understanding, I need to prove an income of around 23k USD, or that, minus my income, times 3 (since we are married).

I understand the rules regarding poverty level/etc, but I'm worried about whether this monthly loan from

the Japanese government will be acceptable as "income" to help me prove I can support my wife and child. I will also, presumably, be getting limited support from whatever university I end up going to, in addition to the normal FAFSA loans.

Is this the the case? Meaning 23000 - (1500 x 12) = 5000 x 3 = 15,000? As in I need 15,000 in assets to make up for my lack in income? Do I even need that if I can use my income from teaching as proof? I don't think I could because it would not be possible for me to keep doing that job if I live in the states...

How are you all proving that you can support your SO while at grad school?

I'm pretty sure this question is fairly convoluted, so if you need me to clear anything up I would be more than happy to...

[watanabe]

Well went to the embassy today; turns out the easiest way is to get a co-sponsor. Doesn't have to be a relative, anyone will do, just have to prove something like 20,000$USD income per annum and fill out the appropriate I-864 form.

Hope that helps

[jschroed]

Does anyone have any experience with the "fiance visa"?

My boyfriend is coming in December from South Africa and he's hoping to stay but we won't have the chance to see each other and get married before then...

We were either thinking about petitioning for a Finace Visa or just getting him here on a tourist visa and getting married here (like the movie Green Card, which if you're reading this thread, is required watching!) and then subsequently changing his "nonimmigrant visa" to an immigrant one.

Being 21 and having very little international law experience...does anyone have any advice for us?

any and all is appreciated!

thanks!

[purplepepper]

Hey Watanabe,

I'm new to the process, but yes, I've heard that you can always get a co-sponsor. You are in Japan now right? Are you going through the Embassy in Tokyo? PM me anytime, I'm not in Tokyo but will be making the trip soon to file the I-130, maybe we can double date

[Dinali]

Wow, I read this topic and my initial assumption was that of marrying someone and moving to THEIR country, not bringing them here. Interesting how the mind works . . .

Unrelatedly, I'm totally in the market for a nice French girl who wants to live in Paris or the south of France

[psycholinguist]

Wow, I read this topic and my initial assumption was that of marrying someone and moving to THEIR country, not bringing them here. Interesting how the mind works . . .

Likewise. Huh.

[Snowden12]

My boyfriend is coming in December from South Africa and he's hoping to stay but we won't have the chance to see each other and get married before then...

We were either thinking about petitioning for a Finace Visa or just getting him here on a tourist visa and getting married here (like the movie Green Card, which if you're reading this thread, is required watching!) and then subsequently changing his "nonimmigrant visa" to an immigrant one.

Being 21 and having very little international law experience...does anyone have any advice for us?

Having just married a foreign national, I have a little advice on the subject. Ahem...don't do it. In all seriousness though, just be sure you're careful with it. Homeland Security is in charge of the investigative process now and they don't mess around. The process is more expensive (significantly) than it has been in years past and is quite lengthy.

My shortend story is that we eventually decided to marry abroad in a small country (Estonia) where the embassy could expedite the process. She got her green card in about a month. My friend that did it in a large country (Germany) ended up waiting 14 months. In this time, the passport is handed in, so no travel is allowed for the spouse...read: she could not visit him for 14 months.

Your options at this point are to get your fiance the fiance visa and marry him/her in the next 3 months in the States, marry abroad, or try to be sneaky...I'll get to that. First, marrying in the States is your easiest route. The only downside is that your husband/wife will have to stay in the States while the process is ongoing. At least that means you're together. If you marry abroad, try to do it in a small country. South Africa might be risky. Lastly, you COULD bring him/her over on a normal tourist visa and marry. However, the WILL do a background check and interview process. If they decide that he/she came to the States with the intent to get married, you could face real trouble, as in having your spouse blackballed from future immigration.

Anyway, I hope this abbreviated version can help. I've been through the process myself and have several friends I've learned from as well. If there are any questions, I'll try to help out. My advice though...if your fiance can spend time in the States, you're best just doing the process here. Don't risk the long separation.

[purplepepper]

Lastly, you COULD bring him/her over on a normal tourist visa and marry. However, the WILL do a background check and interview process. If they decide that he/she came to the States with the intent to get married, you could face real trouble, as in having your spouse blackballed from future immigration.

haha yes. This is a really really big issue. And I bet the immigration officers are good enough to catch a plan like that, and if they did, as Snowden says, your future spouse would probably not be too welcome in the U.S. in the future. The best bet is Direct Consular Filing, where you file directly with the embassy in your spouse's country. But beware, there are some tricky rules (such as resident issues) and not all people qualify. check out

www.visajourney.com ( i think that's the website. or just google visa journey)