Should I drop out?

[tomhaverford]

Hi. I'm currently a first-year Master's student in EE. I just wrapped up my first quarter and, in all likelihood, my GPA is going to be below a 3.0. In my school, that means that I'll be put on academic probation for the next quarter. If I don't get a 3.0 or above in the next quarter, I'll be subject to dismissal in the following quarter, and if I can't get a 3.0 or above in that quarter...well, I think we all know what happens then.

There's a number of reasons why this happened, I think. For one, it took me a while to finally get all my classes selected. The quarter is 10 weeks long, but I didn't really have my schedule finalized until about 3 or 4 weeks into the quarter. I ended up dropping one class and adding a replacement for it in the second week. There was another class I wanted to drop, but I came to that conclusion literally on the day of the drop deadline, which was too late because the add deadline had already passed, so I couldn't add a class to take its place. So all that confusion made it kind of difficult for me.

Another thing is that I think I underestimated how hard grad school would be. I took 13 units this quarter, which, in undergrad (which was also on the quarter system), was a piece of cake. The minimum you have to take is 12. I'll admit, I did procrastinate a little, but I don't think my work ethic or time management was that much worse than everyone else's. But I do remember that I felt overwhelmed a lot during the quarter. Not being able to drop that class I wanted to drop definitely contributed significantly to this.

Also, it's been a while since I've been in school. I graduated from my undergrad school in December 2009 and I started grad school in September 2011. I had been working contract jobs in between and I think that, in that time, I forgot what it's like to be in school and have assignments, exams, projects, etc.

Finally, and I think this is a very shaky reason, but I was not exactly in the best place emotionally and mentally. I've always struggled with social anxiety, depression, and general emotional issues, although this isn't really the place to discuss the details of my mental health. Believe me, it would take a while. I didn't really have any friends, any social life, or anything to do. Of course, it doesn't really help that the town my grad school is in is pretty boring. Seriously, it's just suburbs and farmland. I didn't really know where to meet people or how to enjoy myself, but to be honest, there was a part of me that felt that I shouldn't be looking to do those things anyway. My brain says that I'm here to study, not to mingle and have fun, but my heart says otherwise. I guess you could say I had mild depression throughout the quarter, although I'm not a mental health professional, so I can't make that diagnosis.

Do these seem like good reasons, or do they seem like excuses? In any event, I'm wondering if, in the likely event that I get put on academic probation next quarter, I should drop out. I had similar problems in undergrad school, which is why my undergrad GPA was 2.9 (It was 2.5 at one point, but I slowly raised it). The same things have plagued me my whole life: emotional issues, mental health issues, social issues, all of which lead to work ethic and production issues. I was once subject to dismissal from my undergrad school and actually got fired from a job because of these problems. Every time I suffered a set back like that, I promised myself I would get my life in order, fix my habits, and never let this happen again...only to eventually let it happen again.

If I do get below a 3.0, I could try to give myself that pep talk again. I could try to change my habits and work harder. But it seems like a futile exercise. I'm terrified that I'm going to end up screwing up the next quarter and the following quarter again, and part of me believes that these attempts at changing my habits and work ethic are nothing but a meaningless charade.

So I'm wondering. Should I try again? Did I have valid reasons to not get a 3.0 or above this past quarter? Can I actually change my habits and do well next quarter? Or should I just give up and admit that, no matter how many times I try to improve my habits and work ethic, I'm eventually going to end up flunking out of grad school? I'm seriously leaning towards the latter, but the thing is that I worked pretty hard to get into this grad school. I never thought I would get in, considering my undergrad GPA and essays. But a part of me feels like, if I can't do well in my first quarter on campus, then I don't really deserve to be here.

[rainy_day]

Adjusting to being back in school can be pretty hard for a lot of people. I think the question you have to ask yourself is why you want this degree in the first place. You did a lot of work to get where you are, and that was for a reason! If you can tap into your motivation for being there in the first place, it might help you push through the difficulties you're facing.

If you have depression/anxiety issues you're struggling with, I highly recommend finding a therapist to talk with. Most schools have someone right on campus. Because there's lots going on for you right now, and dropping out wouldn't necessarily address the things that are making you upset. In fact, it might make them worse.

My two cents: Talk to your advisors about what you need to be doing better, figure out your schedule asap next semester, find a therapist to talk through stuff with, and find some ways to have fun/have a social life, because no one can work all the time. Good luck.

P.S. You have a fantastic user name.

Edited December 12, 2011 by rainy_day

[Sparky]

But a part of me feels like, if I can't do well in my first quarter on campus, then I don't really deserve to be here.

Bullshit.

The first semester of a graduate program--*any* graduate program--is a beast. Browse the 'officially grads' forum for "depression", "anxiety", "first semester blues," and so forth. A solid grad program is mentally, physically, and emotionally taxing in ways that very few of us get to go through before hand. I had a massive emotional crash the first semester of my MA and probably a worse one the first semester of my PhD (which, btw, was also at least partially related to SWEET HEAVENS THIS IS THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE); I'm now finishing up PhD semester #3 and I'm finally starting to feel human again. Well, sometimes.

Also, *nobody* thinks they deserve to be in graduate school. It's called 'impostor syndrome.' (Really; this is A Thing). Actually, we simultaneously all think we're the shit, and shit.

I cannot recommend highly enough checking to see whether your school has a graduate student support group that meets during the spring semester. I don't think I would still be here if it weren't for group last spring. (I couldn't go in the fall; I had class during every single possible support group/"drop in for a quick chat" scheduling block. It was horrible.) I'm wishy-washy on the merits of individual counselling, but just being able to vent and listen to other people vent about sort of similar but mostly different problems was cathartic and VALIDATING.

Do you like what you do? Do you like EE? If so, stick it out at least another semester. See how you do when you have a chance to get your legs under you.

I know quite a few people who ended up on academic probation their first semester. (Actually, I technically did as well, but that was due to an incomplete rather than a low GPA. Not that my GPA is a shining exemplar of scholastic aptitude. My undergraduate self curls up into a ball and sobs at the mere sight of it.)

Edited December 12, 2011 by Sparky

[StrangeLight]

what you call a "shaky" reason to do badly, your struggles with mental health, seems to be the main reason for all of your other struggles. talk to someone. find a counselor or support group or therapist. graduate school is a very stressful environment and anyone who goes should probably see a therapist, to be honest, but if you've had a history of mental health issues, see someone. even if it's just for "maintenance" or "upkeep."

do you have an advisor in your department? if so, talk to that person about your struggles first semester and ask what you can do to be more prepared next semester. if you don't, have this conversation with the director of graduate studies. they're there to help you through grad school, not to push you out of it.

as for socializing, spend time in the student lounge, if you have one. people will congregate, shoot the shit, and pretty soon you'll be invited to whatever everyone else is doing. you absolutely should NOT sacrifice your social life entirely for graduate school. we are here to meet people, to build relationships, to network, professionally and personally. you're allowed to have fun (no, really! we often forget that, but you really DO get to have fun!).

finally, why did you start grad school? if you have clear career goals in mind, find ways to tough out this rough patch and see if you can do better next semester. if you're just in grad school because you felt it was something you "have to" do, then maybe leaving before causing yourself any more anguish is the best way to go.

[ktel]

It sounds like this is a pattern that you're repeating again. What you're experiencing in your first semester of grad school is incredibly common. I certainly experienced it in my first semester which I am now completing - I felt a great deal of anxiety and mild depression at times. Personally I would never talk to my advisor about this, but that's just me, I had other avenues to share what I was feeling and dealt with it personally. If it hadn't gotten better I would have gone to some sort of therapist or counsellor.

I will also note that sometimes you might not find social connections within your program, but you certainly should be able to find them elsewhere. I've made friends through team sports rather than through school, although I have some friendships within my program.

In summary, everything you are feeling is normal, however you do need to address how these things are affecting your performance.

Edited December 12, 2011 by ktel

[Eigen]

I certainly wouldn't drop out before you have to. As others have said, adjusting to grad school is hard! Give yourself time to adjust, and work hard to pull up next semester.

Also, ask around (grad students) about how academic probation is used. There are people in my program that have been on academic probation for several years- it gives departments a way to dismiss you, but they don't *have* to.

[tomhaverford]

I just feel like I've already failed. After doing so badly in undergrad (nearly getting kicked out) and actually getting fired from a job because of these habits, I STILL haven't got my act together. I don't think I can really be compared to anyone else because I don't think anyone else did that badly before grad school. And the grad school I'm going to is...pretty good. Top 40 good. It would be one thing if the grad school I was going to was, say, not even in the top 100 because people with bad undergrad GPA's get into those schools all the time. But I got into a grad school in which the average undergrad GPA for grad students is around 3.5.

I wasn't just given a second chance. I was given a second chance on a silver platter, and I STILL can't do well. I feel like I'm so ungrateful for this chance that's been given to me. I should have had a 4.0, now I'll be lucky if I can break 3.0. I feel like I've already blown my second chance.

Just to clarify, both my undergrad and grad schools are University of California schools. I don't want to go into more detail for privacy's sake.

Edited December 12, 2011 by tomhaverford

[Loimographia]

I've just gotta say that, and I mean this in the nicest way possible cause I have a soft spot for UC peeps, if these are problems that have plagued you for a long time (undergrad, then getting fired), then dropping out won't actually solve your problems at all. It sounds like your problem isn't the intellectual challenges of grad school, it's how you handle stress, and stress isn't ever going to go away completely (though to be fair, it is significantly worse in grad school). I really think that if you struggle with holding jobs, you should consider getting screened for depression/ADD/anxiety disorders/any chem brain imbalances that can impact success. Then, treat it. Therapy, meds, yoga, whatever floats your boat. This isn't about you not being smart enough, cause at the end of the day, grades are more about how you handle a billion other things in addition to your actual ideas. You haven't blown your second chance yet, and if your school thought you were smart enough to accept you *despite* grades, that only means that they were probably so wowed by the rest of your app that they let you in anyways. Remember that, and let it motivate you to keep going.