Second thoughts and panic attacks

[MinervasOwl]

Is anyone else out there now getting cold feet at the thought of drastically changing your life, moving, committing to a new place, new people and a new kind of life for 5-7 years?

I am swinging between panicking that I won't get in anywhere and not knowing how I would handle that and wondering if maybe I'd be better off finding something else to do, staying in my own city with my old friends, haunts and habits.

Then back to panicking again. I interviewed at my top choice program last week and haven't heard back- that probably means I am not getting in right?

oooooooooooooooh

[hope4fall2012]

Is anyone else out there now getting cold feet at the thought of drastically changing your life, moving, committing to a new place, new people and a new kind of life for 5-7 years?

For me it's exactly the opposite.. I'm so scared that I will not get to do all the things you have mentioned.. I have wanted to go study in the US for close to 7 years now but something or the other just kept creeping in. And a fate plays it, this might be my only application season.. I just hope something works out..

I interviewed at my top choice program last week and haven't heard back- that probably means I am not getting in right?

I interviewed on jan 18th and haven't heard back anything too..I don't know what to make out of it..But I refuse to treat it as a reject till I see it in black and white.. Fool's hope I guess..

Hang in there..All the best!!!

[bythesea]

@mediaphile, YES! -panic that I won't, alternating with panic that I will; depression that I won't and then depression that I will; thinking, 'what in the world was I thinking when I applied!'

But deep down, I really want to go into academic research, and I'll keep trying next year and the next and the next if I have to. I think it's just that deep down, I also recognize what an enormous change and commitment this entails - If I'm accepted, I'll leave behind a (relatively) well-paid and satisfying job, a comfortable house, a meaningful role in the community, friends and family, and a culture that I'm at home in. I'll be going to a place where I don't yet have an identity, and worse, I might fail, intellectually, socially and financially. I think if I weren't able to recognize and mourn those losses and uncertainties now, I'd be in for a big shock once I arrived somewhere else. And most people will have losses and separations, even if they aren't leaving a nice job or a house behind.

So, yes, I think your cold feet and second thoughts are actually normal & helpful feelings that lead to a better understanding of the reality of the process.

(and good luck in your applications!)

[WannaBeEast]

I just want the next few months to be over. As a non-traditional student with a husband who was active duty military, I've got a lot of logistics to figure out in order to move my family. I'm a little stressed about how to make it all work, especially in this economy. That is, of course, IF I get in. I have felt more than once that my non-traditional path has made it a challenge not only to finish school, but to develop the credentials that will make me competitive. It doesn't matter that my GPAs are excellent, I have a Master's in my field, my GRE scores are well within the range for top tier schools, etc., etc. I feel like my age is a giant negative for adcoms, even though their websites say age is not a consideration. I also keep thinking of the mistakes I made in my application, ex. will the committee notice that in my writing sample I thought a scholar was a she, rather than a he?

Why, oh why did I do this to myself?

Oh yeah...because living with the regret of not even having tried would have been worse. At least this way, I'll know if my thesis advisor was right and I've got the stuff for a life in academics.

Anybody want to buy a house and a small farm in the boonies?

[cokohlik]

@mediaphile, YES! -panic that I won't, alternating with panic that I will; depression that I won't and then depression that I will; thinking, 'what in the world was I thinking when I applied!'

But deep down, I really want to go into academic research, and I'll keep trying next year and the next and the next if I have to. I think it's just that deep down, I also recognize what an enormous change and commitment this entails - If I'm accepted, I'll leave behind a (relatively) well-paid and satisfying job, a comfortable house, a meaningful role in the community, friends and family, and a culture that I'm at home in. I'll be going to a place where I don't yet have an identity, and worse, I might fail, intellectually, socially and financially. I think if I weren't able to recognize and mourn those losses and uncertainties now, I'd be in for a big shock once I arrived somewhere else. And most people will have losses and separations, even if they aren't leaving a nice job or a house behind.

So, yes, I think your cold feet and second thoughts are actually normal & helpful feelings that lead to a better understanding of the reality of the process.

(and good luck in your applications!)

Amen! On the one hand, it's daunting realizing that we might give all this up (I too have a nice paying job, home, friends/family) and it's even more daunting because it's not just me... it's my husband, too. We'd move together (obviously). Ah! But, I think we're ok with it, and in a way it's exciting because grad school presents itself as not only the fulfillment of my dream but also a great opportunity for us to get out of our current city, which we both don't really care for apart from our friends/family/home/job.

I get nervous sometimes, but then I remember that the rewards (if I get in) will be great.

[cokohlik]

[...]

Why, oh why did I do this to myself?

Oh yeah...because living with the regret of not even having tried would have been worse. At least this way, I'll know if my thesis advisor was right and I've got the stuff for a life in academics.

Anybody want to buy a house and a small farm in the boonies?

Exactly!!!!

I'm in for living on a farm in the middle of no where Adventure!!

[Clou12]

Part of me is starting to have second thoughts, I have had a multitude of emotions ranging from anger to extreme sadness at any given hour. I have been overseas for four years and it is time to move back to the United States, I am just ready for a break from living abroad. The ideal situation is to transition into a PhD program, I mean that is why I left the States in the first place...to conduct field research. However, I am also an older student and have to think about retirement, building a family one day, etc. You know, grown up business. Although I am so done teaching a classroom of kiddos, love the kids, just tired after 10 years. Yet. teaching (real school, not English) overseas is good money and I could be financial set if I just stayed away from US soil. However, I am looking for a change in my career outside the classroom and perhaps working would be much more logical than going to school and struggling in my mid 30s. Then again, I am quite illogical nowadays.

Oh, I also have four months left until I move back to the states. I have no job. No residence. So yeah...no pressure ADCOMS!

[stephanie.ms.antunes]

My second thoughts aren't so much going for my MSW and moving to a new city....I am actually very excited for that and I have no doubts in my mind that this is what I want to do. However, I am beginning to have second thoughts about my chances of being accepted to a school.

When I first applied for my MSW, I had a lot of confidence and thought my chances to be really good. However, after reading all of the stats from last year, and all of the seemingly qualified people that weren't accepted, I am beginning to have second thoughts as to whether or not I have a chance. Basically, I went from feeling like a big fish in a small pond, to a little fish in a big pond.

Anyone else feeling this way??

[Starlajane]

My second thoughts aren't so much going for my MSW and moving to a new city....I am actually very excited for that and I have no doubts in my mind that this is what I want to do. However, I am beginning to have second thoughts about my chances of being accepted to a school.

When I first applied for my MSW, I had a lot of confidence and thought my chances to be really good. However, after reading all of the stats from last year, and all of the seemingly qualified people that weren't accepted, I am beginning to have second thoughts as to whether or not I have a chance. Basically, I went from feeling like a big fish in a small pond, to a little fish in a big pond.

Anyone else feeling this way??

Yes. I have been told by every prof I've ever had that I belong in academia and have been encouraged to apply to top and even second-tier schools, with very little success.

The applicants who get in are not just qualified, they're more qualified.

[stephanie.ms.antunes]

Yes. I have been told by every prof I've ever had that I belong in academia and have been encouraged to apply to top and even second-tier schools, with very little success.

The applicants who get in are not just qualified, they're more qualified.

Agreed! I had this fantasy that applying to Graduate schools would be similar to when I applied to my Undergrad. Unfortunately, it seems that it is a whole new ball game out here.

[abc123xtc]

I was so focused on getting in somewhere that now that I've been accepted at one of my top choices, I'm suddenly sad at the idea of having to move AGAIN and settle in AGAIN and make new friends AGAIN. I moved straight back to my parents' house after I graduated from undergrad last year. It took me several months to settle back in and make new friends -- now I'll have to do it again.

I was looking at the profiles of graduate students at that university, and I'm paling at the thought of working with them. All of them have multiple publications and a ton more research experience than me! I'm rather intimidated, but I guess that means I'll be working hard to be at the same level as them -- that'll be good for personal and academic growth, hopefully.

[Sarahmarie]

I thought I would be more excited but I am riddled with doubt about incurring debt, saving the rest of the money to relocate, leaving my parents (Dad has cancer), and whether or not I will choose the right school. Granted I am a Master's applicant so it's less of a time commitment but still a big change. Plus I have learned things about my original top choice school (where I have been accepted) that are giving me second thoughts about their program and I just feel very uneasy about everything. I know I am doing the right thing by furthering my education but all of the variables can be EXTREMELY overwhelming.

Good luck to everyone in overcoming their anxiety and moving on to this next chapter of life!

[Ameonna]

Is anyone else out there now getting cold feet at the thought of drastically changing your life, moving, committing to a new place, new people and a new kind of life for 5-7 years?

This is very much a reality for me. I have never lived more than 30 minutes away from the hospital where I was born (kind of sad, I know). I've been accepted to two wonderful schools, and I am INCREDIBLY excited and happy, but I'm also really nervous about the move I will inevitably have to make away from my family and friends. In addition, my significant other will not be making the move with me due to job-related reasons. In that sense, it will be a very big transition. I'd like to think that this will be a healthy, positive change for me, though, and after letting the shock wear off after the first week or so, I'll gradually learn to refer to wherever I move as "home." I've been working towards getting into a PhD program for years, and I know this is the right choice... I imagine it's normal to be a little nervous, though!

[shaxmaty1848]

I totally know this feeling... Try to take the long view by looking back over the past 5 years or so and seeing how much has changed and how you feel about it before letting the anxiety take over...

I've ran my mind through dozens of options trying to pursue them all at the same time, and now it's all at the decision of someone else-- that part really freaks me out. A lot of the things I'm feeling and thoughts I'm having really remind me of high school. Being uprooted, new place, new routine. You're going to make it through. Try making a kick ass play list with feel good songs about getting through the hard times... take a brisk walk and clear your head...

There is a thread on here about how people will "treat" themselves to rewards when they get in somewhere. DO NOT do this. This is a horrible idea. If you need a release, take it now instead of trying to "earn" it.

[arcoventry]

I am really glad this thread is here.

I applied to MSW programs in NYC - accepted to Hunter and Fordham, still waiting on a decision from NYU - and I have been having late night panic, random hysterics and bouts of depression for 3 months now. I am a non-traditional student in the fact that I have an established, successful sales career. I despise my current career and I am convinced going to graduate school and changing my life is what I want. I have been in the application process for exactly a year. But I am terrified I am making a bad decision, especially in this economy when social programs pay little and are cut easily.

I don't know how to calm down and trust myself. I have it easier than a lot of people here who are moving across the country and leaving friends and boyfriends (kudos to you guys, I admire your courage!!). I am staying in-state, and have the emotional an a small bit of financial support from my boyfriend. But I am still losing sleep and terrorizing my friends and family with my moods :\

[Frostfire]

Interestingly, my doubts are related more to what's going on with one of my classes this semester than with PhD applications. Granted, the fact that I'm sitting on one rejection and a whole lot of empty doesn't help, but I have a plan B that I'm okay with. It's this damn Plato class that's killing me.

Nothing like a poor fit with a course that fulfills a degree requirement to make you want to bin your whole life.

[iandunham]

There are several factors that make not getting into grad school a really depressing reality - the most significant is what to have as a contingency plan.

[Duna]

I totally get what mediaphile (first poster) is talking about...

It is a little weird for me because I hold dual citizenship and been to the US several times (junior high school year and many other visits) but I never really moved there. After living in Germany for almost my whole life now I want to know what the other side of the atlantic feels like and I am very excited about going "home" again but it's also weird leaving "home". Especially since I moved to my current city 5 years ago and it took me quite some time to know my way around and make friends (Berlin is quite a big town now).

[GreenePony]

Yes and no, I moved 1500+ miles away for undergrad but was slightly driven by wanting to get away from an old boyfriend. Grad school (even for a year) seems scarier.

On one hand, my husband and I will move so much farther, to another continent, for a year where the closest things to friends we have there are my second cousins in another country that have a different primary language and friend's parents several hours south whom I've met once.

On the other hand, there's one of my favorite cities for two years where we are 2-3 hours from my parents, and within 2 hours of friends of each of ours. But I've never lived in a city near that large, I went from a town of <12000 to a city of 120,000 for ug, but DC is what 617996?

[bythesea]

I thought I would be more excited but I am riddled with doubt about incurring debt, saving the rest of the money to relocate, leaving my parents (Dad has cancer), and whether or not I will choose the right school. Granted I am a Master's applicant so it's less of a time commitment but still a big change. Plus I have learned things about my original top choice school (where I have been accepted) that are giving me second thoughts about their program and I just feel very uneasy about everything. I know I am doing the right thing by furthering my education but all of the variables can be EXTREMELY overwhelming.

I applied to MSW programs in NYC - accepted to Hunter and Fordham, still waiting on a decision from NYU - and I have been having late night panic, random hysterics and bouts of depression for 3 months now. I am a non-traditional student in the fact that I have an established, successful sales career. I despise my current career and I am convinced going to graduate school and changing my life is what I want. I have been in the application process for exactly a year. But I am terrified I am making a bad decision, especially in this economy when social programs pay little and are cut easily.

So true - and in some ways worse for master's applicants because the value of the master's program is not always as clear as that of the Ph.D, and master's in some fields are so poorly funded, even though the program duration is shorter. I think it's also difficult for non-traditional applicants who currently have financial security, because it seems that we're actively throwing that away when we choose to attend in the current economic climate. Going to a poorly-funded master's program contradicts all the good financial habits (saving, making financially risk-averse decisions) we have followed and believed in. No wonder that deciding to do it causes a lot of emotional turmoil.

[TropicalCharlie]

I was looking at the profiles of graduate students at that university, and I'm paling at the thought of working with them. All of them have multiple publications and a ton more research experience than me! I'm rather intimidated, but I guess that means I'll be working hard to be at the same level as them -- that'll be good for personal and academic growth, hopefully.

No second thoughts about applying to grad schools. I'm excited to take on a new adventure 3,300 miles away and to be living in snow country. The only catch is this feeling of self doubt that is creeping in. I wonder about whether I could actually get through grad school. I know it's a silly feeling since most new grad students feel like they don't know what they are doing, so I have to keep reminding myself that I got accepted because the adcom saw potential in me.

Edited February 27, 2012 by TropicalCharlie

[CarlieE]

I'm more excited than nervous... But I am freaked out about moving... It sucks to have to settle in and make new friends all over again, but I'm starting to think that that's just what life is like. I mean, after getting the degree, we'll all have to do this again and move to a new place, with a new job. (Imagine.. if we stay in academia we'll have to go through this application process and LORs etc ALL OVER AGAIN..) It never ends, and once we accept that, we might just feel better than we're doing what we're supposed to be doing and that these feelings are normal.