How much initiative is enough? (question from a foreign grad student)

[thatusername]

Hi all - I've read so many useful pieces of advice on this forum, and finally had something I need to seek advice for. It would be great just to hear your opinions, really, and stop overthinking things like I always do. I was wondering - for grad students, and specifically for American grad students, how much initiative is considered reasonable in socializing with your cohort? If you take too much initiative, do people think you're a complete weirdo? If you don't, do people also think you're a weirdo?

First off, I have a weird situation: my lab moved mid-year, to another school not too far away, but far enough that I can't really see my friends at my previous institution as often as we'd like to anymore. And since I started in the Spring semester, the other people in my cohort already had time to establish their rapport. It has been quite challenging to break into their circle, because ....I don't really know, but there might be a few reasons.

First, I'm a foreigner, and even though I spent a few years in the US before, I still find it a lot easier, just in general, to befriend Americans with the same ethnicity as mine, or international students like myself. My cohort, however, is none of those, and while I have had friends from different ethnicity before, they are usually either familiar with my culture, OR have the same sense of humor/interests (which is rare because, again, it's also related to my culture). Secondly, we also like very different things; I'm usually lost when they start talking about hockey, or obscure indie bands, despite my adequate knowledge of American pop culture. To be honest, I have not had a lot of chance to hang out with them, as I had to fly home for a while to attend to family matters. And because I still keep ties with friends at my old institution, I would accidentally schedule to go out with them, only to learn later that my cohort was going out for drinks on the same day! In short, it has been the "we don't click immediately" issue, and the bad timing issue. I tried to take initiative to talk to people during/before/after class since we take all the same classes, but it has proved not very successful so far in terms of establishing rapport.

The good (or bad?) thing is, I do really like the students from other years in my department. This is a very social department, you don't find a lot of the stereotyped awkward/shy PhD students. The older students are really nice, and I feel like I click with them more, but we don't have any class together, so it's also been hard to strike up friendship with any of them. I also took the initiative to invite one of them (and his partner) to go out with me and my partner, and we had a great time, except since then we haven't seen much of each other either, and when we do we'd say we should hang out again, but then I'm just neurotic and don't want to be pushy and keep waiting for him to make it happen (and I don't think he's the type to say one thing but mean another).

Anyway, I guess my point/question is, for Americans, specifically, how much initiative is enough? I'm still really trying to navigate this culture, which has been very confusing to me. Every time I fly home to hang out with my friends from home, it's simply astonishing how different the socializing processes are at home and here in the US. I don't want to blame it all on the culture, I just don't think I'm socially intelligent enough to figure this out on my own Hope to hear your opinions!

[robot_hamster]

I'm an American and I have a hard time making friends in general. I'm nice and friendly to people. They seem interested. We do something together. Then nothing happens after that. It's frustrating, so I suppose I won't be of much help. I think it just really depends on the person when it comes to how receptive they are to your friendliness. There have been times when I would try so hard to make friends with someone, only to find it was always me who had to call them and always me who had to invite them to do something with me. Some people are just like that, I guess. When I was younger, I had friendships where things were reciprocated more. I really miss that.

[CarlieE]

I'm American... now. But I'm originally from Southeast Asia. I've been in the US for 15 years and I agree with robot_hamster - it all depends on the individual. I'm sure it's not you, but rather people just get busy - especially in grad school. Generally speaking I don't "stop" with initiative - unless it's been months and months since I've hung out with someone and that person has not once, in that time, suggested to hang out. Then I take the silence as a hint "I just don't like you". If someone tells me "Yeah, would love to hang out," but then never calls to actually DO IT, then I take that as a hint to back off. But if they call every now and then and say "hey, free tomorrow; how about lunch?" but I'm not free, then I still will make an effort - it's just an issue of bad timing, but not a lack of actual friendliness.

In general, I will continue to call/text and say "hey, you free this weekend? I want to go watch ___ movie; heard it's good. Wanna go?" or "I need a drink. Now. Come to ____ bar and let's bitch about the past week." Sometimes I send out mass text messages to my friends when I have time to hang out, and then (usually) whoever is free will all hang out together. Everyone has different styles though; some people like fixed appointed times, or regular weekly get-togethers, or some - like me - do things on the fly.

[wildviolet]

I'm originally from Southeast Asia, too. Growing up in America, I had to navigate my home culture and the mainstream American culture I encountered in school and at work.

What I have found is that most people are generally friendly if you are friendly first. However, you just won't click with some people. For example, I recently attended a conference where I had to share a room with someone I knew I just didn't get along with. We were cordial, but there was zero chemistry, and I was glad when it was all over... which is fine, because I don't have to be friends with every person I meet. That said, I can usually tell if I'm going to be good friends with someone. So, it may be better not to waste your time on people who don't immediately warm up to you. The caveat, though, is that I'm a female--I'm sure males bond differently.

But, ever since high school, I learned that I seem to be the "glue" that holds certain groups of people together. If I'm not initiating it, it doesn't happen. So, I don't mind being the person who has to call/email/text invites to lunch, drinks, dinner, or events. And, I don't take it personally if some people don't come--everyone is so busy nowadays. On the other hand, it doesn't discourage me from trying!

Edited for grammar!

Edited March 4, 2012 by wildviolet

[thatusername]

It's really good to hear other people's perspectives It's funny because I'm Southeast Asian, too, but I didn't grow up in the US.

I think in college, since you live in the same dorm with a lot of people, the socializing process is more organic. You also have more time to join clubs and so on. Now it's completely different, and I'm just unsure as to how to navigate the social life of a grad student. My cohort and I didn't go to the same interview weekend, didn't bond through orientation, and didn't take the first classes together. I was just wondering if I'm the odd one out here, or if people have gone through the same struggle when they first started grad school...

[Semester Photon]

Hi,

As someone who has been socially awkward most of her life, I would like to say that sometimes you just won't "click" with people, and that's okay. However, if you want to be friends with someone, it's fine to take some initiative. (Again, they might not want to be your friend, so don't push and push.) Talk to them before and after class; try to figure out their interests. Ask them questions (and follow up on what they tell you!) If they seem receptive, ask them to do something with you. If they aren't receptive, don't take it personally just move on. You may find after you get to know them that you are more compatible as acquaintances and colleagues rather than good friends. Maybe it's because you have to work too hard to keep the conversation flowing smoothly or maybe it's just that you aren't that interested in vintage jewelry or whatever odd hobby they always want to talk about. It's not a bad thing; it's just that we are all different. However, I've found that with most people I can find enough common ground (or enough interesting debates) to keep things friendly and engaging. You won't seem weird to your lab-mates if you don't talk to them outside of class. I think everyone understands that we lead very busy lives, and it's okay to not connect with everyone.

My advice for the one person you've had dinner with is to arrange another dinner yourself. The other person may be too (disorganized, distracted, busy, etc) to take the initiative, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want to hang out. There are certain friends that I usually have to take the initiative with, and that's okay. Some people are just that way.