Change of Advising Styles

[TMP]

I really, really do love my new adviser. No question about it and we do have a great relationship. I'm super excited to be working with her. Let's call her X.

Except I have a problem. It's kind of like "It's not you, it's me." I know she is much better than my previous adviser, whom we'll call Y. X knows that I had a falling out with Y (but Y and I do still have a strictly professional relationship) with her role as an adviser (the conversation just came up at one point). Basically Y was never available at critical times and didn't provide quality feedback on anything, whether it's about language training or papers or whatever. She was also one of those "very nice" people who just never said exactly what she thought, which created a lot of anxiety for me.

The great problem? X does the exact opposite of everything- even connecting with me in middle of an intensive language program while on various trips.

I've just grown so accustomed to not expecting to hear from an adviser during the summer or periods that I'm aware that she's super busy. I'm so used to literally demanding attention when necessary with a phone call or short and to-the-point e-mails. I'm not used to hearing "The program must be really exhausted! Is everything okay?" or "I'm so proud of you, you CAN do this." in some ways, these words just go from ear to another, but i'm trying to take them to heart that X does care about my well-being and success.

X has told me at least two or three times already that she does take her job very seriously- if she can't provide quality feedback or being in touch, then she feels like she's not doing her job as an adviser. Sometimes I just feel like I've been permanently damaged as an advisee due my previous relationship, which was a bit traumatic. And I'm disappointing X in that sense of not understanding that she is the BEST that I can ever ask for and enjoy that opportunity as an advisee.

Anyone have had this problem of switching from one (bad) adviser to a (great) adviser? How did you change your subconscious thinking and expectations? I mean I know what a good adviser does and should do but it's easier imagining than actually experiencing.

(I know this is an unusual question because we complain and post questions about bad advisers, not great advisers! )

[fuzzylogician]

I have to admit that this is not a problem I've ever faced, so this is just general advice that may or may not help. First of all, congrats! We should all have problems like this one

Since you've recognized that you've picked up bad habits from your work with your previous advisor, I think that one very useful thing would be to explore that a bit further and see if you can come up with a list of these behaviors. When you communicate with your advisor, before you reply to an email, take 60 seconds to reread what you've written and think of the tone. Go over your list and try to recognize anything that stands out. I think that just the act of being aware will take away most of the bad habits. Beyond that, if you ever recognize that you've been behaving rudely, stop and request a meeting with your advisor. Apologize and try and correct the behavior. Don't accuse your former advisor of causing the behavior, instead just own up and move on. I'm sure you'll get accustomed to having a wonderful advisor in no time!

[katerific]

oh man. Did you infiltrate my brain and write this using my thoughts?

I was basically in an identical situation. Well, still am. My old advisor was very cold and critical. His style was basically "here is the goal, now figure it out and write it up, k." Communication was very non-existent (except for "do you have those results/those calculations/etc?" I should note that I had to figure out a method that wasn't even known in my lab, so I was really on my own). It was a very, very intense and demanding environment, and I don't think we ever had a conversation about something other than the project (or letters of reference).

My current advisor is much, much more hands on and is really invested in helping me develop as a scientist. He likes constant communication and likes to know exactly what I'm doing and how, not just the end product. When I started, I was freaking out because I was stuck in the old mindset. For example, he'd ask me for updates pretty often, and I interpreted that as "where are your results?" which lead to a lot of anxiety. But really, he just wanted a status update. Another issue I had was that I assumed the only reason he wanted updates was because I worked too slow. But really, he is detail-oriented and likes to make sure we use the best method possible.

It's been a year and I still haven't full adjusted. The main things I've done is a) tell my advisor about what I'm used to and constantly remind myself that my current advisor is not at all the same as my old advisor.

I am curious to hear about other strategies!

[TMP]

Thanks, fuzzy. I've been thinking about your post and I agree. I do have certain habits- like simply not expect any responses over the summer or when adviser's away and not taking her advice seriously (and then run to other professors for more concrete advice!)..

Per to kat's suggestion, I'll try to be a bit clearer about exactly what i'm used to and reassure my new adviser that everything she is doing is right by my book... it's just ME! She's going have to be patient and not be offended if it seems like I'm taking her advice with a grain of salt rather than a weight of gold. I've been in this "involved" relationship with my undergrad adviser but it's been four years and i"m just so conditioned to this.. it's not like I don't know how to be in such a relationship... just not in the habit of things. I've also gotten used to being very independent with my research to the point where I'll share my research and show papers to relevant people. If the adviser isn't relevant, she doesn't read drafts. Now this new adviser wants to see everything so she'll have to ask.

[Dal PhDer]

Hmm...this is a really interesting situation. I began thinking that you went from a totally distant uninvolved supervisor, to a very in your face micro manager...and that you're having trouble dealing with the constant reporting back...but maybe that's not it. It kind of seems that you're overwhelmed with the emotional support that she's giving you. I think it's natural to not really know how to act or be a bit put off by it, as most academic environments don't really support the nurturing and 'pep talk' kind of vibe. I have recently begun working with a different group of people that largely focus on providing feedback to medical students and working with encouraging them through tough situations. I've found that these individuals really practice what they preach and are kind of like your new supervisor. It was kind of a shock at first when I started to receive compliments like "great jobs", "we're so lucky to have you", "oh you're going to be amazing at your work when you graduate"...I don't think it's normal for students to really hear those things.

I think your attitude towards the 'problem' is good....in my eyes, a good supervisor recognizes that every student is different with their own needs, personalities and work style...for myself, I try and think that a good graduate student recognizes that these same things exist within supervisors.

It's nice to see a supervisor be there for their student and have their back!

On another note: if you find the constant emails and asking for updates are overwhelming...maybe keep your emails strictly to your work progress (void of personal details and stuff), and maybe don't respond instantly. I think a lot of people can curb some of their social interactions by the cues they receive. These are little cues that are not offensive or rude that might let her know that you're use to a more distant and independent relationship.

[TMP]

It kind of seems that you're overwhelmed with the emotional support that she's giving you. I think it's natural to not really know how to act or be a bit put off by it, as most academic environments don't really support the nurturing and 'pep talk' kind of vibe.

Thanks- I think you've just basically nailed it! My previous adviser barely showed any interest in me other than being.. well. a student. I tried to engage a bit of personal lives at times but it never lasted, it was just always business. With this new adviser wanting to know more about my personal life (as well as sharing a bit of hers), it was like... WHOA, someone actually is asking how my running is going! It's certainly a change when you have an adviser who sees you as a whole person and takes the philosophy that what happens in your personal life affects your work life/scholarship. (and I actually believe in it as well)

Right now, I hope that she knows it's going to take time for me to *believe* that she IS available and responsive and for me to actually listen to her. I didn't have a good reaction in our last face-to-face meeting when she tried to give me feedback on course selections (which prompted this thread). I thought, "Who died and put you in charge?" When I resisted her advice, she realized that I wasn't used to be given such feedback, she had to (a bit sharply) remind, "it's MY JOB as an ADVISER to give constant feedback, whether you like it or not. Because if I don't then I'm NOT doing my job." She's stubborn and I'm sure she will keep working with me on this until I *get it* that things are really okay and I'm now in a much better advising situation.

(at least I hope that she doesn't know that I do have a serious habit of asking for second opinions from other faculty members to make sure the advice was legit and I plan to break that.)

[Dal PhDer]

It would be really hard to make that shift! And really hard to balance the "this is my degree I want to have a say in what I do" and "this is my advisor I have to respect and follow their opinion" ... I think a lot of students have this issue and find it difficult to deal with it. I know there have been several instances where it took a lot of thinking and consideration about whether or not I follow what I want to do, or follow what my advisors wants. I think it's good to second guess their opinion, because they won't always be right- but it's hard to do that in a respectful way without hurting their ego or coming across as not valuing their opinion.

You seem really mindful of how you come across to her and your responses to her...which is great. If you know that you're coming across a bit distant/cold/unresponsive, at least it will make it easier to change that....I recently had an old-time prof tell me "The most important thing for a student in grad school is to always make sure they are making their advisor happy" ...I have to disagree with that a bit, but I do think it sums up the student/teacher relationship perfectly!