dating a colleague

[She Ra]

I think i might have a crush one of my colleagues.

1) is this a terrible idea- and i should forget about it

2) how do you let a shy guy know you are interested so he feels safe to ask you out?

Edited August 27, 2012 by She Ra

[fuzzylogician]

It's wonderful if it works out but could be terrible if it doesn't. What were your past breakups like? That's a good indication of what the future will look like - do you get into a lot of drama? can you stay in touch with your ex? how about see him on a regular basis? be friends with him? If you date a colleague and it doesn't work out, you'll still have to see him around the office on a daily basis. You'll have joint friends and you'll see him at events, maybe even take classes with him. so you need to ask yourself if that's something you can live with. That said, romance has a way of creeping up on you when you least expect it and if it ends up being a colleague you may find that you have many shared interests and a similar view of life. There are many couples in academia, so there's clearly something that works about dating a colleague.

[BrokenRecord]

If he was across disciplines-- go for it with no hesitation (other than the usual caution about entering in any dating situation). But within the department, perhaps you should stay clear or at least slooowwww down the speed at which you enter this engagement. Not only, as Fuzzy so eloquently stated, do you have to be prepared for your emotional state should things turn sour, you also have your own professional reputation to think about. The academic environment is still a workplace environment and the worst thing is when work and personal are mixed---in the eyes of your superiors. In short, #1 would be my go IF he is in the same department as you AND you both have a considerable amount of years to go in your degree program. Just something to think about, but ultimately you know what is best for you.

[ktel]

Like the above posters said, you have to know yourself in order to answer this question. I have friends who regularly date within the same group of people and they all still hang out and are friends. I, however, have always steered clear of that and don't really speak to anyone I dated anymore. Some of my relationships have also ended quite poorly. I would not want to deal with that on a regular basis if I had to see an ex every day.

[isawstars]

I couldn't do it. That saying, "don't s**t where you eat" is something I live by... now. lol Maybe it would be different for you... but for me, dating a colleague is distracting during the puppy love phase and especially the break up. Maybe if the person was specializing in something different than me... so we wouldn't have ALL of our classes together.

Oh well. Just go with your gut feeling, it's right the majority of the time. Good Luck!

[romnickhudges]

It usually depends on the situation and how intense your feeling for that guy. If you are a girl its very unusual to admit your feelings toward a person unless you are close with him and you know that the feeling might be mutual because of his expression towards you. However, for a guy to admit his feeling if very usual but should also ask himself if its worth it and if there are no question along the way. If you forget it then you might regret so the best thing to do is feel the atmosphere between the two of you and if ever you see that there's no problem then go for it. Anyways, it's better to ask and admit than regret later.

_________________________

BookGator

textbook for students

Edited August 27, 2012 by romnickhudges

[Ennue]

Before I came to grad school I had set the rule for myself that I wouldn't date within the department. However, as fuzzy said, romance can creep up on you, which is what happened for me, and I've now been dating another student in my program for 8.5 months.

Some tips:

- Take it slow... Very slow. I started crushing on my boyfriend my second month here. We didn't start dating until my fifth month here, and I still consider that kind of quick. Take the time to get to know the other person, to figure out if you're really compatible, if there could be a future for you. Dating within the department can work if you're both looking for a long term relationship, but if one of you is just looking for a short fling it could create too much drama.

- My boyfriend and I share very few classes, because he's a few years ahead of me in the program. I think that's worked to our benefit - sharing all your classes could be too intense.

- On the other hand, make sure that no situation will arise where one of you is TA for the other, or if that can happen in the future that there's a way to work around it (i.e. flexibility in coursework, etc)

- Don't overshare with colleagues. I have to watch myself with this, I'm a very talkative person! But try not to talk about your relationship on campus until you've been dating for a bit and know that it might go somewhere. And I admit, I actually enjoyed the sneaking around for our first month or two

- Don't share with professors. It is none of their business - so don't make it into their business. We didn't share our relationships status with faculty at all until this summer, and we definitely won't share drama with them. It's good to not share personal drama with professors anyway, but it might take more work to keep things private when all your offices are on the same floor - put in that work.

Finally, with regards to this:

2) how do you let a shy guy know you are interested so he feels safe to ask you out?

I asked him out. It's 2012. Just saying.

[wildviolet]

I asked him out. It's 2012. Just saying.

You asked him out? So what was his response? Just curious, as I'm in the same boat as the OP.

[Ennue]

Ooh, embarrassing story coming up!

Okay, so as I said I'd been crushing on him for months, we'd been hanging out in the office and outside on campus activities, and I really really wanted to go out with him. I'd been gathering my courage (among other things with help from the awesome Captain Awkward - http://captainawkward.com/2011/01/14/reader-question-3-a-shy-guy-caught-my-eye/) and I was planning to ask him out on a Tuesday. So I hung around after class, waiting for his officemate to leave (the three of us were just chatting). And waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Finally, almost THREE HOURS after class ended I gave up and went home - it was almost 8 pm by then! Apparently officemate's wife was supposed to pick him up but got delayed at work. So I went home, and thought 'now or never', so I sent my crush a facebook message. Yes, really. Basically I said that I didn't want to make things awkward, but I had to ask, and if he wanted to go grab a drink or dinner with me sometime, 'as in, date-type stuff'. He replied... 2.5 hours later, because he wasn't checking Facebook. He said that he'd been thinking of asking me out , but was either too much of a coward or too hung up on awkwardness, so he hadn't (yet). And then we made plans to hang out and it was awesome and I am so, so happy that I got up the courage, even if it was through facebook like a coward!

[She Ra]

haha captain awkward is awesome. So, here's my game plan- I'm just going to wait and see how things go, whether we're getting closer, friendlier or it's clearer how he feels. I'm going to do the take it slow thing. Thanks so much!

[Chande]

I have no insight into dating a colleague at the graduate level or in a work environment, but I just wanted to say that I was the one who asked my fiance out. Granted, this was in undergrad, but we met in a class freshman year and hung out with the same general group of people during freshman year.

I asked him out right before sophomore year started. We went to DisneyQuest together with my family for the first date. This was my first date with anyone ever, by the way. I'm marrying him next summer, so the strategy of just asking a guy out instead of waiting for him to do it can't be all bad, and I don't feel like men should be the only ones expected to make a first move anymore!

Edited August 29, 2012 by Chande

[wildviolet]

Ooh, embarrassing story coming up!

Great story! Thanks for sharing. Unfortunately, I don't think my crush has a FB page!