Social comparison

[psychedpsych]

Hi, all!

Question for you. One member in my cohort is a step above the rest of us--she has two masters', whereas the rest of us are coming straight from undergrad.

I love what I do--grad school is a great fit. I like research, I like courses, I like teaching, I like the subject matter--but I can't help but compare myself to this cohort member who is an all-star in every sense of the word. She does work for fun, she says, and spends every moment on figuring out more collaborations, starting up more projects, getting her name out there, etc. And to be honest, I really like to read books in my spare time, not work even more. I think I would lose my mind.

Does anyone else have experience with this kind of situation? It's so difficult not to compare myself and to feel completely unmotivated because I won't be as motivated as she is, or as prepared or as successful. It's draining.

For those of you who have end-of-year evaluations, are we compared against members of our cohort or just on our own?

So many seemingly petty worries...

[SeriousSillyPutty]

Hopefully someone else can comment more directly on this, but here's a little food for thought:

The further along one is in life, the more direction one should have, I think.

I worked for five years between undergrad and now, and even though I didn't do anything on the job that helps me with my "job" as a student, that experence very much informs my attitude about what I'm studying and why I'm studying it. I also think, becuase I'm a bit older, I am more concerned with what happens after the PhD, even though it's such a long ways off. So, I'm trying to reverse engineer what I should be doing no to end up where I want to be... because, frankly, while I'm excited to be a student now, the fact that I'm going to still be at student at 32 when peers are a DECADE into their careers makes me a little uncomfortable. (And yes, I know there are plenty of folks older that me on here... not trying to project on anyone, just sharing a my neurosis.)

So if this cohort member seems to be scheming and networking a lot,it would make sense that someone who has been a student for that much longer also feels that much more imperitive to make sure round 4 of secondary education gets her where she wants to go.

Or look at it this way: Aruguably, you could both graduate at the same time, then you could go watch TV for four(?) years, and then still be where she was at your age. If she's like me, she doesn't want the time before this program to have been wasted, wich means mustering all the experience and professionalism and networking skills and whatever else one gains with time, and putting it to her advantage.

So I wouldn't worry about it. Instead, think about how much more you would worry if you felt you were getting a late start.

(And keep recreationally reading; it's good for the soul.)

Edited October 5, 2012 by SeriousSillyPutty

[TMP]

She's ahead of you in life experience. Even I would be intimidated if I came straight out of undergrad! I did go straight to a graduate program after my undergrad and thought exactly like you. After getting my MA, taking some time off, and going back for my PhD, I can appreciate what this cohort member of yours is doing. I'm actually doing most of what she's doing.

Truth is, time off from academia and working and having that prior graduate experience make one truly appreciate being in a PhD program, especially if it's very competitive to get in. Chances are that she probably missed being in the life of the mind so reading materials in the field "for fun" seems natural to her. Even I'm doing it... I don't mind really. I'm just so hungry after abstaining for so long.

The other thing is that the "working world" does offer some valuable lessons like networking and time management that aren't taught in a PhD program. I am actually changing a lot of ways that i am doing now as a PhD student from my MA experiene. Now I actually try to work during the day with some dabbling in the evenings every day instead of putting everything off until after 2 PM and sleeping in. And networking gets you ahead in life. Because you can't always depend on your boss (adviser) to make connections for you. My PhD adviser knows that I'm a networking machine and is quite insistent that if I want something from somebody, then I have to ask myself. She won't make connections for me unless I absolutely do not know the person.

You might want to reach out to her and ask some questions. Don't be intimidated- she might actually offer some mentoring to help you along the way.

[crazygirl2012]

It sounds like you're doing just fine! I'm straight out of undergrad as well. I've always been very prone to comparison, but I'm learning that constantly worrying about how you measure up to others is no way to live. I don't know for sure about end-of-year evaluations (just that we get them too), but I'd be very surprised if they compared you to others. That would just be incredibly awkward to write... "____ is pretty good at ____, but ____ is much better!"

[juilletmercredi]

Sometime in grad school I realized that I didn't care as much as some of the other people in my cohort. I would see them in the research room in the wee hours of the night, or every time we ran into each other they would want to talk about theory when I just wanted to talk about last night's episode of Lost or something. They were working on multiple projects and planning their academic lives, and I was thinking about shoes. I felt inadequate, like a fake academic.

And then around my third year, I stopped caring. Coincidentally, that's around the time I stopped seeing my cohort mates as much, but I think I just grew up. The vast majority of employees do not spend their every waking moment thinking about work, so why should I be any different? I prefer shoe shopping to literature searches. So what? Most people prefer their hobbies to work. I'm good at what I do, I'm passionate about my work, I really love my field. My adviser says I'm an ideal student at this stage, I have a first-authored paper out and another in the works, I have a fellowship. I am clearly doing what I should be doing.

So I say the same to you. If you love what you are doing and no one has complained about it yet, and you're doing what you need to prepare yourself for the job market in a realistic way…who cares if you aren't the superstar? I realized that I could either choose to be the superstar and make myself care more, or I could be happy with who I am and just be the great (but not superstar) grad student. Even if you are never as motivated as she is, or she gets the more prestigious job than you…who cares? IF you are content with what you do, then you've won within yourself.

I also agree with the others - I came straight from undergrad, and I am now in my 5th year. I learned things in my 3rd or 4th year that I wish I knew when I was 22 or 23. It's just part of living. She may have worked those 4 years and hated her job and is really relishing being back in school, whereas you don't know the contrast between full time work and studying something you love. Or maybe she worked 80-hour weeks and so this is just a piece of cake for her. She may have acquired skills in her "past life" that are very useful, whereas you will have to learn those skills as you go along. That's okay.

Evaluations are a little of both. You aren't explicitly compared with your cohort mates, but of course the DGS and your adviser are going to compare you to other students (past and present) vis-a-vis where you should be given your year in the program. Don't worry, though. If she blasts through all of her coursework and takes her comps at the end of her first year or something, you won't be considered "behind" because you are taking a more conventional route and just finished what you were supposed to have finished. Stay in communication with your advisor, follow your handbook, and do your own thing, and you should be fine.

[newpsyche]

@juilletmercredi : I love you. So, so very much.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[wildviolet]

When I meet with my advisor, I bring up issues that are clearly premature (putting the cart before the horse, so to speak). Last week, I brought up the issue of using one of the projects in my courses for a conference presentation with a submission deadline of August 2013. He told me that he doesn't begin thinking about that particular conference until June! So... his basic message is that I need to slow down and that there's no rush. I should heed his advice--he's been a professor as long as I've been alive! And he's been at my institution for that entire time, so I'm sure he's seen a lot. The other thing I have to do is trust him--he has a reputation as a good advisor who looks out for his grad students.

So, while I'm sure the faculty compare us all informally, I don't think it's so much about who's better than who (like a ranking) but more about what skills and interests each student brings to the department.

[TMP]

So... his basic message is that I need to slow down and that there's no rush. I should heed his advice--he's been a professor as long as I've been alive! And he's been at my institution for that entire time, so I'm sure he's seen a lot. The other thing I have to do is trust him--he has a reputation as a good advisor who looks out for his grad students.

So, while I'm sure the faculty compare us all informally, I don't think it's so much about who's better than who (like a ranking) but more about what skills and interests each student brings to the department.

Oh! THIS! This is one of the traits of a GREAT adviser- being able to recognize a student's particular talents and judge him/her against his/her own merits, not others.

[Bluth.]

(Source- check it out)

You seem to like what you do and are concerned about being better at it, sounds like you are doing things right!

Edited October 28, 2012 by Bluth.