Need advice very unusual story

[cowcool]

I recently started Graduate school and am in a huge funk right now. This is a long story and I will do my best to try to shorten it.

Growing up I always had problems that nobody else seemed to have. It was not till I was five years old that I could even recognize my own parents. I struggled immensely through out school did not really learn how to read and write fully till I was 20 years old. I had grown up always wanted to be a navy SEAL or something like it and that was the only thing I wanted in life. Un beknowest to me all of my academic troubles were caused by an undiagnosed learning disability called a visual processing disorder/visual perception disorder. I couldn't interpret anything that I saw and it made growing up a living hell. I was able to get through middle and high school barely and get into Syracuse university.

At Syracuse University I majored in Political Science and Psychology, and enrolled into Marine Officer candidate school there. I was so pumped I had wanted to be something like this since I was in the third grade. When I got there after my sophomore year of college however I found out something was very wrong. No matter hard I tried I kept failing and with the marines the way it works if you screw it everyone else gets punished as a result. And the reason why I kept messing up was because I had an undiagnosed learning disability making everything. Trying to go through something like Marine Officer Candidate school with something like a visual processing disorder would be the equivalent of someone with dyslexia not knowing and trying to graduate in shakespeare studies. The experience was truly a living hell and to this day I have nightmares every day about it. Eventually I broke and got sent home after three weeks. I was never more depressed in my life and spent an entire month locked in my room away from human contact.

I began to think however why did I struggle there so much? Why could I barely read and write as a 20 year old? Why couldn't I even recognize my own parents face until I was five years old? Why did I get lost and have such bad coordination yet was in incredibly good shape? I realized there was an answer to this question and I was going to find it. I spent the rest of that summer july and August doing a bunch of psychological testing and was formally diagnosed with a visual processing disorder/dyslexia. I was actually really happy to find out I had this disorder but was really pissed off that it never got detected earlier.

I underwent an intensive behavioral vision therapy program for the next two years. It was intensive and required for 20 months of 20-30 hours every week doing things to reverse the effects of this learning disability. I spent more time doing this then school or anything else. I was sick of failing things because of this learning disability that for my junior and senior year of school all I cared about was beating it. By the time I had beaten it and was working on it however I never really found another hobby or job and I panicked and applied to the information studies program at Syracuse. I was accepted and began my courses this fall also am a Resident. The thing is

-I strongly dislike my classes and my major and all my classes

-Overcoming that learning disability as awesome as it was to do that drained me so much that I feel like I have no energy for classes

-Because of that whole experience with the marines and learning disability caused me to somewhat break down emotionally and cause symptoms of PTSD

-I do not know what to do I never thought about anything else but being in special forces then after failing overcoming the learning disability that I jut panicked and applied to a program so I could get a job without thinking

-I don't know what to do I have no long term goals I hate my classes and program but I don't know where I can get a long term job I am completely lost because all I thought about was the learning disability.

[romnickhudges]

Well, I do understand your situation and from the way you explain it well with us it seems like you were hurt by the situation you are in but you couldn't do anything because it was there already. I guess for you to have a peace of mind since you are aware of your situation why not start from accepting yourself first and the learning disability condiiton of yours. Honestly, from my point of view you are smart but what's important is you know what is exactly happening to you so from there make some adjustments. Don't ever think that you lack of this and that and learn to accept people around you for you to find some good enough people to be with you always and to accompany you. All of us need to fit ourselves to this world and for as long as we know we are here why not learn to face people rather than neglecting or hating them. Aside from that, why not go on a counseling to an expert to guide you along the way.

[fuzzylogician]

That is quite an unusual story! I am glad to hear that you have finally been able to identify the source of your difficulties and treat it. It seems to me that you need to slow down a bit in order to be able to reassess your life. That probably means that you shouldn't continue in your current program but you shouldn't make any rash decisions. Is there a mental health service at your school? I think that it's extremely important for your to get help and not do everything alone. Some feelings of inadequacy that you are having are very normal (and if you read other posts on this board you'll discover that many other first-year grad students are having them and are thinking of quitting). You should be sure that you are leaving the program because it really doesn't fit and not because of normal first-semester jitters. My advice is to stick it out at least until the end of the semester and while you're there, give it all you've got. At the same time, find someone to talk to who can help you work through your past. Eventually you should be able to find what it is that you want to do in life, but it may take some time. If that turns out to be the case, then you should quit the program and stay out of academia to figure things out for a while. If and when you'll want to come back, I think that your unusual background will explain away concerns about leaving the current program.

[phonology_rocks]

I sent you a PM you should check out

[Scat Detector]

I feel I personally have an obligation to respond to your post.

As someone with a learning disability I know how draining it can be.

 

When i tell people about my disability people think I cant even speak or comprehend anything they say.

 

However, A LEARNING DISABILITY DOES NOT MEAN INCAPABLE. However the ignorant perception people have about people with learning disabilities is only their own stupidity and ignorance. This ignorance is draining to deal with.

 

A learning disability isn't something you BEAT! It is something you live with your entire life and accept about yourself regardless of what people may think about you. If what you had was reversible then its not quite a learning disability. DO YOU HAVE LIFE LONG impairments to your learning process? Do you still have dyslexia when you read? I'm simply trying to understand what you are up against to best help you. I would even gladly give you my number in a personal message if you want to talk sometime.

 

I'm in a master's program now and almost finished with it. I fear this is the only social media where I do not need to be secretive about my personal fight, my personal tragedy, and what I have done to overcome it and fight the education system for my constitutional right to equal access to education each time that right is violated.

 

YOUR CONCERNS ARE AS FOLLOWS:

-I strongly dislike my classes and my major and all my classes
You stated you are currently enrolled in a masters program. Are these the classes you dont like? Information technology according to your profile? You may just need some fundamental career counseling completely unrelated to your adverse circumstances. 

MY ADVICE is speak with your program coordinator and see about taking a "personal temporary leave" from your program. This will give you the opportunity to do some needed soul searching and time for a much needed break after such a draining successful triumph that you have overcome.
-Overcoming that learning disability as awesome as it was to do that drained me so much that I feel like I have no energy for classes

My disability has previously at times been so draining that i went to school part time because IT IS ABSOLUTELY IMPORTANT THAT YOU CAN RECOGNIZE WHEN AND HOW TO NOT OVER EXTEND YOURSELF. It happens to a lot of people who try to work full time and go to school full time or any other combination that can be too draining to focus on coursework.

IF YOU ARE IN CLASSES NOW TAKE AN INCOMPLETE IF YOU NEED TO. It is easy to erase an "I" on your transcript as long as you make arrangements to complete the work with your instructor. its a temporary place holder on your transcript. It gets replaced with a grade after you complete the work usually with a grace period of 12 months from the date the "I" was entered.

-Because of that whole experience with the marines and learning disability caused me to somewhat break down emotionally and cause symptoms of PTSD
The PTSD never really goes away and NO CLINICAL DOCTOR HAS THE EDUCATIONAL BACKGROUND IN THIS SORT OF THING. They wont understand and there is no textbook version of disability rooted PTSD. discrimination is an awful fight that never ever ends. Its life long.
 

-I do not know what to do I never thought about anything else but being in special forces then after failing overcoming the learning disability that I jut panicked and applied to a program so I could get a job without thinking.

There are so many other outdoors jobs that are equally fulfilling. It sounds like you need to visit your career center. You know what you enjoy and now you just have to channel it in the right direction for your strengths so you can do what you love.
Have you considered... forest ranger, park ranger, or other jobs with similar special forces tasks?
......APPLY FOR INTERNSHIPS TO EXPLORE YOUR OPTIONS WITH HANDS-ON LEARNING. Then maybe return to your program refreshed

(or find a program or job you're more suited for) and renewed with a more tactile kinisthetic job where you are more engaged with hands-on learning.

-I don't know what to do I have no long term goals I hate my classes and program but I don't know where I can get a long term job I am completely lost because all I thought about was the learning disability.

This is an additional reason to see your career center and if your university has a internship office explore those with the career office also. If you hate your program that much DEFINITELY TAKE INCOMPLETES. The academic fight is also draining BE WARNED!!!

 

If you have several F's or D's You can also look into "Academic renewal" Each student is ONLY ALLOWED ONE academic renewal per school they attend. It erases ALL consecutively received D's & F's so that it is as if you never took those classes and REPAIRS YOUR GPA.

 

 

IT IS BEYOND ME WHY NO SCHOOL OFFICIAL TELLS ANYONE THIS INFORMATION. EVEN OFFICES OF DISABILITY SERVICES INSUFFICIENTLY SERVICE STUDENTS WHEN THEY FAIL TO INFORM STUDENTS OF THIS INFORMATION.

 

Please let me know if you need to talk. Ive been through the academic bureaucratic ringer and I can guide you through it to repair as much of your record and help you down the best path for you.

Highest Regards for all you've accomplished,
InnovativeL

[phonology_rocks]

I feel I personally have an obligation to respond to your post.

As someone with a learning disability I know how draining it can be.

 

When i tell people about my disability people think I cant even speak or comprehend anything they say.

 

However, A LEARNING DISABILITY DOES NOT MEAN INCAPABLE. However the ignorant perception people have about people with learning disabilities is only their own stupidity and ignorance. This ignorance is draining to deal with.

 

A learning disability isn't something you BEAT! It is something you live with your entire life and accept about yourself regardless of what people may think about you. If what you had was reversible then its not quite a learning disability. DO YOU HAVE LIFE LONG impairments to your learning process? Do you still have dyslexia when you read? I'm simply trying to understand what you are up against to best help you. I would even gladly give you my number in a personal message if you want to talk sometime.

 

I'm in a master's program now and almost finished with it. I fear this is the only social media where I do not need to be secretive about my personal fight, my personal tragedy, and what I have done to overcome it and fight the education system for my constitutional right to equal access to education each time that right is violated.

 

YOUR CONCERNS ARE AS FOLLOWS:

-I strongly dislike my classes and my major and all my classes

You stated you are currently enrolled in a masters program. Are these the classes you dont like? Information technology according to your profile? You may just need some fundamental career counseling completely unrelated to your adverse circumstances. 

MY ADVICE is speak with your program coordinator and see about taking a "personal temporary leave" from your program. This will give you the opportunity to do some needed soul searching and time for a much needed break after such a draining successful triumph that you have overcome.

-Overcoming that learning disability as awesome as it was to do that drained me so much that I feel like I have no energy for classes

My disability has previously at times been so draining that i went to school part time because IT IS ABSOLUTELY IMPORTANT THAT YOU CAN RECOGNIZE WHEN AND HOW TO NOT OVER EXTEND YOURSELF. It happens to a lot of people who try to work full time and go to school full time or any other combination that can be too draining to focus on coursework.

IF YOU ARE IN CLASSES NOW TAKE AN INCOMPLETE IF YOU NEED TO. It is easy to erase an "I" on your transcript as long as you make arrangements to complete the work with your instructor. its a temporary place holder on your transcript. It gets replaced with a grade after you complete the work usually with a grace period of 12 months from the date the "I" was entered.

-Because of that whole experience with the marines and learning disability caused me to somewhat break down emotionally and cause symptoms of PTSD

The PTSD never really goes away and NO CLINICAL DOCTOR HAS THE EDUCATIONAL BACKGROUND IN THIS SORT OF THING. They wont understand and there is no textbook version of disability rooted PTSD. discrimination is an awful fight that never ever ends. Its life long.

 

-I do not know what to do I never thought about anything else but being in special forces then after failing overcoming the learning disability that I jut panicked and applied to a program so I could get a job without thinking.

There are so many other outdoors jobs that are equally fulfilling. It sounds like you need to visit your career center. You know what you enjoy and now you just have to channel it in the right direction for your strengths so you can do what you love.

Have you considered... forest ranger, park ranger, or other jobs with similar special forces tasks?

......APPLY FOR INTERNSHIPS TO EXPLORE YOUR OPTIONS WITH HANDS-ON LEARNING. Then maybe return to your program refreshed

(or find a program or job you're more suited for) and renewed with a more tactile kinisthetic job where you are more engaged with hands-on learning.

-I don't know what to do I have no long term goals I hate my classes and program but I don't know where I can get a long term job I am completely lost because all I thought about was the learning disability.

This is an additional reason to see your career center and if your university has a internship office explore those with the career office also. If you hate your program that much DEFINITELY TAKE INCOMPLETES. The academic fight is also draining BE WARNED!!!

 

If you have several F's or D's You can also look into "Academic renewal" Each student is ONLY ALLOWED ONE academic renewal per school they attend. It erases ALL consecutively received D's & F's so that it is as if you never took those classes and REPAIRS YOUR GPA.

 

 

IT IS BEYOND ME WHY NO SCHOOL OFFICIAL TELLS ANYONE THIS INFORMATION. EVEN OFFICES OF DISABILITY SERVICES INSUFFICIENTLY SERVICE STUDENTS WHEN THEY FAIL TO INFORM STUDENTS OF THIS INFORMATION.

 

Please let me know if you need to talk. Ive been through the academic bureaucratic ringer and I can guide you through it to repair as much of your record and help you down the best path for you.

Highest Regards for all you've accomplished,

InnovativeL

 

Wow! Impressive reply, I just wanted to say thanks I 100% agree with your whole post!  I too have a learning disability, and when it comes to school I think I have finally figured it out.  As an undergraudate though I faced one hell of  an ordeal (long story but treated extremly questionably because of my disability to the point that something happened, where I could have very easily been rejected across the board in my apps this year) and I thank god every day for the chance that my graduate institution looked beyond what happend and admitted me.  I have, what I strongly believe is the best academic support possible (clearly I really don't know this is a fact, its just my support is so good its hard to imagine it getting any better).  School isn't easy, its a fight for me.  There have been times when I have been jelous of people who don't have to work hard, because I do, or when I have been so frusterated by school I become angry at everyone who didn't notice I was differnt (I wasn't diagnosed until half way through my undergrad) and sometimes become bitter at the struggles that could have been avoided.

 

Now I have FINALLY not only accepted it, but have become proud of the fact that i am where I am now, with my disability.  I am a 4.0 student at a highly rated school in my field and KNOW i'll keep it that way (sure grades aren't everything but given my situation, with applying next year they matter), I have the respect of professors, and my classmates and I am proud of that too. 

 

Sorry for comming off arrogant or bragging, (if anyone sees it that way), I just wanted to make the point that things happen for a reason, my undergraduate 'issue', which no one will EVER make me belief was fair, was the best thing that could have happened to me, my drive increased even more because I was scared of failing in grad school or not getting in at all, and as a result I have learned to live with my disability.