SOP feedback?- Pyschology MA/Phd

[didion10]

Does anyone want to switch for feedback or is just really bored? I'd love to exchange ideas.

A wise friend told me if I was having trouble starting, just put down the facts first. Which I did, but now it lacks heart, I feel.

I'm applying to NYU, BU, Brown and Columbia

Edited December 18, 2012 by emm31211

[DarwinAG]

Im down to trade. I have four more apps to go.

[TransferFunction]

I want in! send me a PM and ill send one back with mine

[Sylvia0713]

Can we trade? Just finished mine and looking for some advices!

[mangold]

Can anyone provide me with feedback on my Masters in Health Administration SOP as well. I am trying to reduce it to 220 words. Please see below:

 

 

"My interest in Health Administration initially stemmed from my father’s struggle with kidney cancer in 2006, and ultimately him succumbing to the disease in 2011. My family and I were fortunate to have compassionate Health Administration professionals that eased our family’s pain during my father’s difficult transition. I am inspired to increase my knowledge in Health Administration and extend the quality of care and professionalism that my father received to other patients and their families by focusing my efforts in Healthcare marketing and business development.

I would like to improve patient and healthcare consumer experience by developing engagement strategies while maintaining the hospitals’ brand.  Over the past 6 years at XYZ Company, I have been highly effective in finding long term solutions in day to day operations as well as leading a team. In my current marketing role, I manage our social media efforts and public relations, while keeping our company’s brand and vision at the forefront.

  I envision my long term goal as Health facility marketing manager, serving as a hospital’s PR director, or in an acquisitions function in business development. Attending this graduate program would allow me to further mature my interpersonal and quantitative skills within the Health Administration sector by honing my existing marketing and public relations background.  I believe my personal, professional, and past educational experiences shape me into being the ideal graduate student to attend your MHA program at University of ABC."
 

 

Thanks so much!