Paralyzing Anxiety

[stinkybeagle]

Happy New Year, everyone! I've been lurking on the site for a year now and have found it to be a very helpful venue. So, thought I might seek your advice.  I just finished my 1st semester and a great doctoral program and I must say I survived by the skin of my teeth.  I made out with a B+ in all of my seminars, but that is because I do all of my readings and contribute in class. My papers were horrible because I had to write them all last minute because I've been suffering from extreme writing anxiety. Sitting down to write fills me with a level of anxiety that i've never experienced before. I'm currently working on a paper with a prof and it takes all of my energy to write even one page. She probably thinks i'm the laziest slug that has ever walked though her doors!  I've tried all sorts of behavior modification techniques like setting a specific time to write, removing all sorts of distractions, shutting down the internet. But, it just doesn't work. (Today I ended up taking a nap and starring at a blank wall for god sake!)  Has anyone ever successfully dealt with this? BTW, I am planning on seeing a counselor when the semester starts next week. 

[SeriousSillyPutty]

I know what you mean and it is SO FRUSTRATING. I feel like I could be locked in a completely empty room with nothing but a typewriter, and I would just twiddle my thumbs forever. I had it as an undergrad, but since I only had a max of one class per semester that required real papers, it wasn't so bad. Grad school, of course, is all about the writing, and I found that my time away from college did not shake my paper writing anxiety.

Ironically, I have no problem writing under informal situations. I am a slow writer, but aside from that I wrote a blog for work with no problem, I have been known to write 1,000-word emails and then have to edit them down, and a quick perusal of grad cafe will confirm that I am naturally long-winded. Doesn't matter. With papers for courses... it's something different.

I don't have a lot of advice, but I did get in with a counselor last semester, and he asked me to try to keep a journal/log of how I was feeling/what I did when I was in these writing situations. It was mostly to guide our conversation for our next meeting. You might try starting one now, so you have more to talk about -- or more concrete examples of it -- when you have your session.

One thing I noticed about myself was that, although I would never consciously frame it this way, I think of papers as a reflection of my intellectual soul. Any poorly argued point is a reflection of a mind that hasn't fully considered the issues. Any repetitive word usage is a sign I don't know how to wield the English language. And so on and so on. (Note I am not writing papers on "soulful" things -- it's the writing process, not the topic or even my opinions, which make me feel exposed.) I've never considered myself a perfectionist (certainly my housekeeping habits would confirm I'm NOT a perfectionist in other areas) but even being a "good enough"-ist can be debilitating if I can't even write a rough draft for my personal perusal that I can clean up later. Ironically, the one "escape" I have from considering a paper an extension of my soul comes when I am simply out of time and have no choice but to turn in a bad paper. Then, it's not a reflection of my soul, it's a reflection of my circumstances. But of course, this procrastination results in WORSE papers. It's illogical, which is what I hate most about the situation I think, because I am generally a very logical person.

The way my counselor is trying to get me to think about things is more like a law of averages. It's okay if sometimes a paper only reflects a B- intellect, because that paper will be viewed in the context of other things -- better papers, class participation, etc. -- that will, together, combine to give people a sense of me. When I write a 5-page policy response paper, I may feel like I'm baring my soul, but the prof grading it probably isn't making such strong connections between the paper and my worth as a human being; he's just grading the paper for what it is. He actually recommended I shoot for B-quality work sometime, just so I'm not paralyzed by a need to get it all right.

A friend shared a quote with me a really like: "Done is better than good." Note that it's not, "done is better than perfect," which everyone would agree with. This is stronger in favor of getting something done so that more important things can come. Of course this philosophy could be abused by some people, but people with writing anxiety are not the kind of people prone to just blow things off. We made avoid doing them, but it is because of revery, not neglect. Anyway, it's a good motto.

I tried something that helped me a bit at the end of the semester on this big lit review I had to do... it is FAR from perfect, but I at least felt that I kept the wheels spinning, even if forward progress was really slow. My strategy was break the writing process up into so many parts that it lost its reflection of me in the process, and because of this, I was able to write it. Here is a glimpse into my neurosis:

There's this great website, writeordie.com, that basically offers a text window that you start writing in, and it makes annoying sounds when you stop writing for more that 5 seconds or something. It's designed more for creative writing, where one wants to keep the creative juices flowing. It doesn't work very well for academic papers, where you need to stop to look stuff up regularly.

So, I decided to make an outline first, with the quotes and page numbers as needed, so that I could reference that without having to stop writing. But, an outline a big paper is still a reflection of my intellectual soul, and even this was overwhelming.

So, I instead made outlines of the articles, much as you would outline a textbook chapter or something. I used the author's headline, made brief notes about the paragraphs, put in some quotes I liked, etc. This was outlining someone else's work, not creating my own, so I could do this without the anxiety setting in. Oh, and I limited myself to a half our per paper, which was not enough time for a good outline, but it was enough to get something done and kept me on pace. I figured if I found a gaping hole in my research, I could always come back.

THEN I used Write or Die to convert the outlines into paragraph form. Since the program doesn't allow for formatting anyway, I knew I'd be going through it again, so I was more liberal with making notes to myself like "[closing sentence about irony of budget cuts resulting in more spending down the road... Falk quote maybe?]" which kept me going. I could do this because I was summarizing an outline, not creating original thoughts. But, in the process of summarizing, my voice started to come out and I started to make a few connections between things, which helped me to create/organize the thoughts that I would want to put into the final paper.

THEN I copied & pasted into Word, moved paragraphs around, and started to flesh out the summaries with connections and evaluations. I think I finished the closing paragraph about 3 minutes before the paper was due to be emailed... sigh. Like I said, things were far from perfect.

This was the first time I've tried writing this way, and I don't know if I could transfer it to something beyond a lit review, which has less of "me" and more of my sources than other kinds of papers. But what I do know is that the simple act of writing short summaries of journal articles we'd read had been an earlier assignment for the class, and I had major writer's block even doing that. So, by breaking things down a lot, I was at least able to do SOMETHING where I hadn't been able to before, and maybe if I had done that all along, I wouldn't have had so much to do the last few days of the semester, and maybe I would have spent the proverbial "eleventh hour" finding better ways to phrase things instead of writing things for the first time.

I don't know. I'm interested in seeing what others have to say. In the mean time, know that you're not alone, and that counselors at student health centers are used to such issues. Good luck!

[teethwax]

One thing that often works for me is deciding to write something bad.  As bad as possible.  That way you get something out, it's so stupid it's kind of funny, and then you feel better about taking the next step.  And you can un-bad it a little bit at a time.  Before you know it, you've got something pretty decent.

 

I had to use this approach a lot when writing SOPs.  Sometimes I got so anxious about applications that I would do it in all caps: DEAR FANCY UNIVERSITY, I WOULD LIKE TO GO TO YOU BECAUSE YOUR PROGRAM IS SO, SO PRETTY.  I WRITE PLAYS ABOUT BAD THINGS, AND I DON'T TAKE UP MUCH SPACE.  PLEASE CONSIDER ME.  LOVE, TEETHWAX.

[Lyra Belacqua]

I don't have anything helpful to add, but I'm sort of the same way. I have the same feeling about everything being a reflection of myself, so of course I have to pick the "perfect topic" when the time comes (which almost invariably becomes "a topic that didn't quite suit me after all" by the end of the semester), and the more I like the professor, the harder it is to write ("this one's for John's class, so it has to be absolutely perfect"), and the more ashamed I am of the result. What I have the most trouble with is starting: usually once I've gotten into it a little, I think "why didn't I start this a week ago and spread it out more (in which case I could have written more, and better)?" But then I never do.

 

The Paralysis Analysis thread on the Chronicle forums is sometimes an interesting read.

 

I haven't used Write or Die, but some people in my field who I'm Facebook friends with have mentioned using "Written? Kitten!" (http://writtenkitten.net/), so I might try that next time I have to do a lot of writing. (It gives you a cute kitten picture after every so-and-so-many words you write, so the sheer amount of time you take has no effect: you can feel free to stop for more than 5 seconds.)

[Wicked_Problem]

750words.com might, in theory, help your situation. Good luck.

[theologyofyourface]

See, I'm the same way but backwards-- I can write like a dream but I'm TERRIFIED of talking in class. It's something akin to what SeriousSillyPutty said-- I'm afraid that what I say is a reflection of me and my intelligence, and the idea of anything less than a perfect, fully-formed thought coming out of my mouth is horrifying. I get very anxious in class and hate participating in discussions or answering questions. In my Greek class I break out in a cold sweat whenever my prof asks me to translate aloud.

I manage my anxiety by talking with a counselor at my school's counseling center frequently, and by taking a low dose of anti-anxiety medication. You may not need something as drastic as medication, but I bet a counselor will be able to help you find strategies for talking yourself through the writing process. Good luck!

[stinkybeagle]

Thank you so much for your response, everyone. I've only just now realized that there were responses to my posts. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone when it comes to this fear of "what if they read what I write and think i'm utterly stupid." At the beginning of this semester I started seeing a counselor, and she has been helping me deal with some perfectionist/self-worth issues. We'll see how helpful it's been come end of the semester and i've got 3 seminar papers to deliver. Good luck with the rest of the semester!

[wildviolet]

Hey stinkybeagle,

 

I have the exact same anxieties as you do. This may not be the best idea, but once I drank half a bottle of wine and then wrote. It helped me relax so I could just put words on the page. Part of my problem is that I edit while I write, so sometimes I can't go on if a particular sentence is bothering me. My ideas are in my head but I can't get them out easily. So what drunk writing helped me do was to let go of the anxiety and do a brain dump. Of course, the next day, I edited like crazy!

[zapster]

It often helps to do a shorthand brain dump - just points, words or even small ugly diagrams that represent what you are thinking...I often find doing this with a paper and pen rather than electronically makes the thinking process much smoother....then accumulate all the points, words and small ugly diagrams and classify them in subgroups, creating a broad outline of your paper, finally keep expanding on each point, not necessarily in the order it needs to be in the paper. This process is esecially helpful if you find that your string of thought often gets broken when you write (basically separate the thinking and writing process to some extent).

 

I find that thinking through what I want to write - even creating actual complete sentences, paragraphs in my mind - whilst doing some physical activity, and then sitting and writing it down immediately afterwards also helps.

[St Andrews Lynx]

 DEAR FANCY UNIVERSITY, I WOULD LIKE TO GO TO YOU BECAUSE YOUR PROGRAM IS SO, SO PRETTY.  I WRITE PLAYS ABOUT BAD THINGS, AND I DON'T TAKE UP MUCH SPACE.  PLEASE CONSIDER ME.  LOVE, TEETHWAX.

...I actually can't see much wrong with that as a SOP. The conciseness is refreshing.

 

A possible suggestion for the OP. How about writing practice essays on topics closely-related to your assessed pieces, but which will never get marked by anyone so and don't count towards your final grade. I'm guessing the fact that you know your writing contributes towards your final mark ("This thing I write *has* to be good") is causing the anxiety. Writing an article as practice won't have the same level of stress and you can be free to play around with it. Maybe not even a whole essay, just sections or paragraphs to get the creative juices flowing.

 

I sympathise with your writer's block - I always find it very difficult to start getting words out when faced with a blank document. I think I'm a better editor than writer - the first draft is usually hideous garbage...and I'm OK with that. 

 

Good luck!

[quilledink]

Hey stinkybeagle,

 

I have the exact same anxieties as you do. This may not be the best idea, but once I drank half a bottle of wine and then wrote. It helped me relax so I could just put words on the page. Part of my problem is that I edit while I write, so sometimes I can't go on if a particular sentence is bothering me. My ideas are in my head but I can't get them out easily. So what drunk writing helped me do was to let go of the anxiety and do a brain dump. Of course, the next day, I edited like crazy!

 

I am currently suffering from precisely this anxiety. I'm attempting to finish my honours thesis right now for my BA and I'm finding that often, instead of wine (it acts up with some medication for a health issue), I'm just staying up really really late until my inner-editor shuts up. This gives me a really weird sleep schedule, but it works? Most of the time?

 

I think talking to someone about it (a counsellor, a friend, whoever) is definitely the way to go, though. If the counselling services at my school weren't so hard to come by, I'd probably be over there right now. At 5am on a Sunday.

[wildviolet]

I am currently suffering from precisely this anxiety. I'm attempting to finish my honours thesis right now for my BA and I'm finding that often, instead of wine (it acts up with some medication for a health issue), I'm just staying up really really late until my inner-editor shuts up. This gives me a really weird sleep schedule, but it works? Most of the time?

 

I think talking to someone about it (a counsellor, a friend, whoever) is definitely the way to go, though. If the counselling services at my school weren't so hard to come by, I'd probably be over there right now. At 5am on a Sunday.

 

5 AM on a Sunday morning is as good a time as any to need counseling services! Time doesn't seem to matter anymore for me in grad school. Mon-Fri, 9-5 definitely doesn't describe my work schedule. I hope posting on GC helps somewhat. Sometimes, just knowing that you're not alone makes you feel better.

[RiseofthePhoenix]

You are definitely not alone. This is a good opportunity to practice some meditation to calm the mental chatter and just experience the mood swings and the raw energy of anxiety for what it is. It helps me not only fall asleep, but also get sound asleep, even if it's only for 5-6 hours a night.

Edited February 24, 2013 by RiseofthePhoenix