SOP Review

[boberts27]

Hello everyone,

I am in the process of applying to multiple unnamed business schools, and I am having some difficulty with my Statement of Purpose. I have posted my first draft below, with some emissions, and was hoping for some constructive criticism. Please feel free to reply or message me directly. All comments will be greatly appreciated. 

Requirements: "your Statement of Purpose should clearly and concisely describe your personal and professional objectives and your commitment to graduate study. (Length: approximately 300-500 words)"



        My early undergraduate endeavor was fraught with uncertainty and illness that precluded me from obtaining academic success. During this time, my preoccupations rested with the ability to maintain stable employment, which relegated academic commitments to an afterthought. I ultimately completed my associate’s degree, albeit in a manner not indicative of my intellectual competency.
        The desire to achieve my bachelor’s degree came to fruition several years later, but these intentions were met with resistance. At sixteen, I was diagnosed with ____________; this would remain in remission for nearly a decade. In autumn 2009, I had resumed my studies, but soon relapsed. My academic performance suffered greatly during this period. As I physically improved, financial hardship dictated that my educational aspirations be placed on hold.
        My professional experience began four years ago, when I was made manager of _______________. This position has allowed me to gain insight into multiple facets of business operations, including financial management, staffing, and marketing, which proved to be instrumental during my academic hiatus. The responsibilities that this position has instilled upon me have undoubtedly cultivated my passion for a career in business.
        Some of my managerial responsibilities have been in marketing, such as with the development and implementation of cross-promotional campaigns. The managerial and marketing experience that I gained have served to focus my career aspirations. I realized that additional education would be required for any future advancement, so last winter, I chose to resume the pursuit of my bachelor’s degree. Since then, I have maintained full-time employment, while fulfilling my academic obligations. The grades that I have received during this period are indicative of a renewed academic vigor. 
         As the conclusion of my undergraduate studies nears, much thought has been placed into my future. Marketing has been the discipline that has given me the greatest satisfaction; the formulation and implementation of a strategy is something that appeals to me on both an intellectual and personal level. My undergraduate coursework in marketing has served to deepen this passion. 
         I wish to obtain a career with an internationally recognized corporation developing marketing strategies for their products. The consumer electronics industry has always fascinated me, and it is one that seems poised for growth, necessitating the need for strong marketing campaigns. A master’s of business administration degree, with a focus in marketing, would undoubtedly expand upon my present skill sets, while providing me with the necessary knowledge to obtain my career aspirations.
        The ______________ School of Business offers a comprehensive management and marketing program that would be conducive towards my goal. The reputation of the university and its faculty, the comprehensive educational program, and the academic flexibility that is offered, are all leading factors in my decision to apply. I feel that my personal and professional experiences have served to strengthen my character by allowing me to develop into a highly responsible and motivated individual.

[selecttext]

Your opening paragraph is really negative and I could not read beyond it. You have only 500 words to explain yourself - speak only of yourself using positives!!!!!!

 

I suggest first writing an outline of what it is that you wish to convey. Here is an example:

 

I am interested in...therefore I'd like to...Graduate school would help me achieve this...how...The department of...at...is the place for this because... I have excellent preparation because...One example of my perseverance and dedication to academia is how I completed my undergraduate degree in spite of ...these circumstances...While these undoubtedly impacted my GPA, I have...this experience... and these accomplishments.My life goal is...Conclusion.

[boberts27]

Your opening paragraph is really negative and I could not read beyond it. You have only 500 words to explain yourself - speak only of yourself using positives!!!!!!

 

I suggest first writing an outline of what it is that you wish to convey. Here is an example:

 

I am interested in...therefore I'd like to...Graduate school would help me achieve this...how...The department of...at...is the place for this because... I have excellent preparation because...One example of my perseverance and dedication to academia is how I completed my undergraduate degree in spite of ...these circumstances...While these undoubtedly impacted my GPA, I have...this experience... and these accomplishments.My life goal is...Conclusion.

 

From what I've read, it seems that it would not be wise to solely talk about one's positives, as this could come across as pretentious.  This is something I do not want to convey.  While my intro is a bit negative, if you were to continue reading, you would see that it is more a story about redemption than anything else.  

 

Maybe you can give it another look and let me know what you think.  Thanks for the advice.

[selecttext]

Hi, 

 

It is possible to describe your research interests, skill set, strengths and objectives without sounding conceited. I would suggest searching for examples of successful SOPs. If you do choose to keep your life history front and center, I suggest rephrasing it to read more triumphantly. As is, it reads like a series of unfortunate events. The redemption aspect is muddled. Perhaps consider the format that I've suggested above? I am sorry for the negative feedback, but just like any bit of academic writing, the SOP is a process.

 

Good luck.

Edited January 20, 2013 by selecttext

[boberts27]

Hi, 

 

It is possible to describe your research interests, skill set, strengths and objectives without sounding conceited. I would suggest searching for examples of successful SOPs. If you do choose to keep your life history front and center, I suggest rephrasing it to read more triumphantly. As is, it reads like a series of unfortunate events. The redemption aspect is muddled. Perhaps consider the format that I've suggested above? I am sorry for the negative feedback, but just like any bit of academic writing, the SOP is a process.

 

Good luck.

I am going to consider the format that you suggested in your earlier post.  I do want to keep the life history at the forefront, but I will compact it and make it more positive, as you recommended.  Also,  I am going to build up my skills and goals to make myself more appealing.  Thanks.

[sugarmilk]

As it reads now, the backbone of your SOP is your academic roller coaster of ups and downs. This is unnecessary and doesn't paint the best picture of you. Limit your explanation of poor grades to a brief sentence or two and then do not mention it again. Instead, give specifics examples of the work you did, and the work you wish to do. This SOP makes me want to know more about the campaigns you worked on and what you did for them. Provide those details! Don't be vague when discussing your meaningful work experiences. It will define you as more than an academic roller coaster.

[boberts27]

As it reads now, the backbone of your SOP is your academic roller coaster of ups and downs. This is unnecessary and doesn't paint the best picture of you. Limit your explanation of poor grades to a brief sentence or two and then do not mention it again. Instead, give specifics examples of the work you did, and the work you wish to do. This SOP makes me want to know more about the campaigns you worked on and what you did for them. Provide those details! Don't be vague when discussing your meaningful work experiences. It will define you as more than an academic roller coaster.

 

I've been reading a lot of contradicting information about how to explain one's education blunders, but your recommendation makes sense.  I think that if I get asked for an interview, then this is where I should explain this area of my academic career.  

[sugarmilk]

I've been reading a lot of contradicting information about how to explain one's education blunders, but your recommendation makes sense.  I think that if I get asked for an interview, then this is where I should explain this area of my academic career.  

Although I think you should include why you got poor grades (because you have a valid excuse), I don't think you need to narrate your academic history throughout the entire essay. Too many excuses comes off as whiny or sheepish. Consider making the story more about your passion, inspiration or reason for pursuing a degree. It will be a more positive storyline.

I was watching Project Runway and a contestant didn't show the judges one of her "wow" designs because she wanted it to be a surprise at the runway show. The judges shared some good advice with her: wow us NOW because you aren't guaranteed to go to the runway show without impressing us now. I think it is a good metaphor for applying to grad school. Wow the judges with your application because you don't know whether you'll have the chance to wow them at a later stage.

[boberts27]

I have utilized all of the comments and attempted to reshape my statement of goals.  If anyone would be so kind as to provide feedback, it would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks.

 

 

My professional experience began four years ago, when I was made manager of __________.  This position has allowed me to gain insight into multiple facets of business operations, including financial management, staffing, and marketing.  The experience that I have acquired during this time has undoubtedly cultivated my desire to move my career into a new direction.

Out of all of the managerial responsibilities that I have, those relating to marketing are the ones that have provided me with the greatest satisfaction.  My position has afforded me the opportunity to be involved in many stages of marketing, from the formulation of strategies to their subsequent execution.  Working for a small business has allowed me to experiment with various forms of marketing, which I have been made aware of through my undergraduate coursework.  I have successfully implemented cross-promotional campaigns and secured sponsorship of local events.  The flexibility of my employment has been invaluable in shaping my admiration for marketing, as well for the fundamentals of management. 

My professional background in management has made me well aware of the versatility and commitment that is required to achieve financial growth and operational success.  With an MBA from the ___________, I would be better equipped to pursue my short-term career goal of obtaining employment as a marketing assistant in the consumer products industry.  Such a position would utilize the business acumen gained from my academic and professional experiences, and would place me on track for my long-term career aspiration.

The consumer electronics industry is one that has always fascinated me.  When I was nine years old, my older brother taught me how to build my first computer.  I would spend my weekends scouring for hardware components at local electronic expos.  This fascination with technology is something that has never left me, as I now spend a meaningful portion of my leisure time gathering news and information about upcoming trends and developments in the world of consumer electronics.  With this knowledge, it is my long-term career aspiration to become a marketing manager for an internationally recognized consumer electronics company.

The __________ offers a comprehensive academic program that would, without question, equip me with the necessary business skills and knowledge to place me one step closer to my long-term career objectives.  The reputation of the University and its faculty, the comprehensive educational program, and the academic flexibility that is offered through its evening MBA program, are all leading factors in my decision to apply.  I feel that my personal and professional experiences have served to strengthen my character by allowing me to develop into a responsible, motivated, and successful individual.

[ProspectStu8735]

I only talked about positives.

Edited January 25, 2013 by ProspectStu8735