more cold feet (ie oh God is this going to work?)

[erra]

Hi, I've been lurking for a while among everyone's various trials and tribulations.

Here's my story: I attended and excelled at research-institution State U, and, after 3 years of life in the wide world of work, applied to top programs (as informed by the US News & World Report as well as by various English profs at my BA institution) in English for my Ph.D. hoping to have a shot at a research career someday. I've only been admitted to one school at this point (IU-Bloomington, guaranteed on-the-dole), waiting on 2.

Like most of you I want a research career eventually so (perhaps naively) I'm still hurting from no top-10 admission, and neither I nor my partner (a chemist who's madly looking for work in Indianapolis) want to move to the boonies. However, unlike the other schools I applied to in quest of the 'right' Ph.D., Indiana actually has people in my area of interest (Gothic, Victorian, and contemporary combinations of both), plus their job placement rates are good. But after a month of thinking I'd be OK with even a back-up school, I have cold feet. Besides the terrors no-more-big-paycheque and living-in-a-village, I'm scared that this good-but-not-awesome Ph.D. won't help me get where I want to go.

Am I being utterly ridiculous? Are any of you in a similar situation? If so, what are you thinking?

[engguy]

my opinion: at this point, in this economy, you have to really love literature and be totally invested in your field in order to pursue a phd. forget the idea of a job afterwards -- not only is it too far away to think about, if you pay any attention to the news about higher education in the humanities, you will never find a TT position, anyway. the school i'm currently in -- not a top 10 by any means -- just interviewed and turned down several applicants from ivies for entry-level professorships.

being in my first year right now, i can say that it's absolutely the hardest work i've ever done in my life and i've wondered at least a hundred times if i really want to do this. and yes, despite a very good financial package, i'm poor, and the whole thing has been rough on my partner. so while it's perfectly understandable to have the goal of a research position at the end of all this, i think it's a very thin thread to hang four-five (more like five-six) years of hellishly hard work on.

[wilderbeast]

Like most of you I want a research career eventually so (perhaps naively) I'm still hurting from no top-10 admission, and neither I nor my partner (a chemist who's madly looking for work in Indianapolis) want to move to the boonies. However, unlike the other schools I applied to in quest of the 'right' Ph.D., Indiana actually has people in my area of interest (Gothic, Victorian, and contemporary combinations of both), plus their job placement rates are good. But after a month of thinking I'd be OK with even a back-up school, I have cold feet. Besides the terrors no-more-big-paycheque and living-in-a-village, I'm scared that this good-but-not-awesome Ph.D. won't help me get where I want to go.

Well, I'm kind of in a similar position. Eventually, I want a tenure track position, but the school I've been accepted at isn't listed in US News rankings, so I guess it isn't ranked. I've been rejected from my two top 20 schools, and waiting on the top 30 school that's left. But it looks like I'll be getting my PhD at this other place. Granted, they are very, very good in my field. In my field overall they're not ranked, but they've got to be in the top 10 in my subfield (I think) and have TONS of NSF funding. You know, I'm just telling myself the following:

* I am pursuing a PhD for my love and passion in the field, not money, fame or glory. It is something that I just *have* to know more about. And so, in some sense it doesn't matter where I am learning this material, so long as I am learning it. Job worries can come later and maybe I won't be able to find a tenure track job - that's life, and in that case, I'll find something else. But at least I've got this chance to spend 5 years diving into my favorite subject, and I'll have the knowledge of it forever in my head even at a different job!

* I don't want to be tenured at an Ivy. Sure, it would be cool and good for my career, but I'd rather be the big fish in the little pond, and work at some state U. There are plenty of other universities where one can work if you're willing to move down from Tier 1, and if you look through faculty at lower ranked universities, it is not out of the ordinary to see professors from schools that aren't in the top 10 or even top 20. If you're not willing to move out of Tier 1, then I guess you have to spend your life worrying about rankings, but even they won't secure you a job in this economy.

* From what I understand, it is less about where you did your PhD and more about who you did it with. If your advisor is well-known and respected, you will still be able to get decent postdocs, which will help with the job thing. So if there's someone at this school who's good in your field, I'd go with it - in the real world it's often about who you know as much as what you know, and you can still network, yes, even below top 10 schools.

* Have gratitude: someone is giving you a chance to study what you love, and get paid to do it. We are fortunate to live in a time and place where this is possible - even for women. In my case, it would have been impossible to find a woman in my field 50 years ago. It's a good feeling to know that, as a woman in a male dominated field, I am helping to move times forward.

Ok, I'd better stop rambling. Anyway, you're not alone in your decision, just keep thinking about what's ultimately the most important to you, and you'll find the answers you need.

[erra]

Thank you, engguy. I know the odds, and while I will eventually be delighted with a secure job at a community college, I still want to be able to dream. And I'm generally terrified now that one of my life-goals is upon me and I've got to put my money where my mouth is.

[peppermint.beatnik]

I think it's more what you do with your PhD than where you get it. I know two profs, from my previous department, who went to Harvard and did nothing with their career.

T. Conrad Gilliam, the guy who cracked the human genome, went to third-rate institutions (I am not going to name them, but you can look them up) for his degrees because no "ivy" would have him. Now he's up there with Einstein, and Chair and Director of Human Genetics at UChicago . He has also headed Columbia's Genome Center. He did a post-doc at Harvard. Get the point?

p.s. I don't know about the English department, but IU-B is a good school, and, while small if you're used to a big city, Bloomington is quite nice. The campus is beautiful!

[erra]

Have gratitude: someone is giving you a chance to study what you love, and get paid to do it. We are fortunate to live in a time and place where this is possible - even for women.

You are so right, with gratitude. When you're not totally sure of yourself, it's so easy to get caught up by others' very narrow definitions of success. And, talking with women who've taught at Ivies (Harvard & Yale, particularly) and looking at the male:female ratio on their faculties, I (also female) suspect that it would be like being a woman in science in the 50's and 60's.

And where I'm probably going is very well-regarded for my subfield.

Thank you for your kind words. Here's hoping that hard work pays off in the library as in the lab!

[Reinventing]

Indiana University is a great school! And it's nowhere near as boring as some places I've been. (Me, I seek out dull places. I focus more during the day, and sleep well at night!)

So many writers and poets were inspired by calm, serene environments.

[latetothegame]

You should be proud to have been accepted to such an excellent school as IU Bloomington for your Ph.D. If I weren't tied to a particular region because of my own spouse's t-t job, I would absolutely have applied there. I'm (a Victorianist) green with envy. And the notion that you might have to settle for a community college job with a degree from there is a little too gloomy. There are people who get Ph.D.s from unranked English programs who get better jobs than that. You may only be able to get a community college job, but the idea that only top 10 programs get folks into good jobs is absolutely untrue. Don't believe the hype.

[a cup of coffee]

Wow, I'm confused! I also am almost certain I'm going to go to Bloomington, because their program is one of the best in the country for 19th century British literature. My adviser recommended it as currently a stronger department than the "better" program I got into. Indiana was also the lowest US News-ranked school I applied to, but it looks like the best for my interests, which shows how misleading that numbers game can be. I also don't understand why you think IU isn't good enough to get you a job, since it will get your application looked at anywhere, which is all that matters. Your dissertation is all you have to worry about as far as distinguishing yourself as a researcher. I have no idea why you would think a school of IU's caliber would limit you to community colleges -- did you check out their placement record? And they've got Victorian Studies as well as other awesome journals, and their library resources look stellar. So cheer up -- I'm also coming from 5 years living in metropolitan areas, but I'm excited about living in a college town like the one I grew up in. I'm adopting a dog, getting a bicycle, getting some new camping equipment, and making the most of living in a beautiful area.

[ILikeCatsALot45]

*

[Reinventing]

Oh, this is so where I am right now. I'm not applying to PhD programs, but things haven't worked out as I thought they would (no funding, programs different than expected, etc), and while everyone else is telling me to push forward and find any way to remove the obstacles and just do it, I am feeling pretty unexcited at this point. Other alternatives are starting to look pretty good. At least they tend to pay, vs. the alternative. Occasionally I think that maybe it will work out great somehow, and I feel a little happy about it, but then I get back in touch with the current state of affairs, and it's back in the dumps again.

[saritapie]

I'm generally terrified now that one of my life-goals is upon me and I've got to put my money where my mouth is.

Well-put. This is exactly why I'm feeling so anxious about my own decision (between an unfunded offer at a top university and a funded one at my UG institution): Do I really want to be a tenured professor in a research university [in my home state], or am I really fundamentally about having a good life (in which I live where I want to live; earn steady money starting now; do something intellectual, like teaching, research, or writing, but not necessarily all three; and really enjoy the next five years)?

At least I'm not the only one...