Dropping out due to mental illness

[xfigo]

I am giving strong thought to dropping out of my program. I don't know that anyone suspects that...I am at the top of all of my classes, have had a fantastic research position lined up all year, and make considerably more than other students (Whooo, scholarships and grants!). Unfortunately, I've had nothing short of a complete mental breakdown this semester (and somehow, the only grade I received other than an A was a B+...still top 5 in a class of ~25-30). I've been seeing a number of therapists/doctors, and have been given a preliminary diagnosis of bipolar II, on top of previously diagnosed depression, anxiety, and OCD. As such, I don't think it was caused by the courses as I didn't find them particularly stressful in the first place.

What are my options moving forward? If I drop out, it will most likely be to seek further assistance. I cannot imagine a career in anything other than physics, and I really am quite good at it when sane . My current advisor is just an OK fit and there are strong rumors in the department that she will be relocating to Germany within a few years (aka before I could finish a PhD with her anyways), so I'm not too keen on returning to my particular university if I come back to grad school after sorting my life out. 

I could really use any and all of your suggestions as I really have no idea what to do moving forward. What do I do while out of school? If I am in great academic standing (I am well respected here for my course work), will I be able to reapply to another school later for my PhD if I drop out for these reasons? 

 

Most importantly, has anyone here gone through or experienced anything similar while in graduate school? I'd love to know how you handled it/what your options came to be.

 

I apologize if this comes across as disjointed.

 

Thanks

xFigo

[artimacia]

Have you thought about maybe taking a leave of absense on medical reasons? Use that time to seek treatment and think over what you truely want to do.

[SeriousSillyPutty]

First off: Congrats on doing so well this semester!  Physics is not for the faint of heart, and it sounds like you rocked it while juggling these other issues.  Be proud of that!

That being said, I agree that your health has to take priority.  ("You have to take care of yourself to take care of physics"... or something like that.)

I like the medical leave idea... that would burn the fewest bridges.

If you're interested in doing something other than grad school (at least for a bit), the American Institute of Physics has a list of companies hiring physics majors in each state: http://www.aip.org/statistics/trends/states/state.html .  I do NOT recommend becoming a classroom teacher if you don't have training in it (in my experience, it was VERY BAD for my mental health) but if you like interacting with the public/children there are museums, planetariums, and science centers that like having science majors.  I know Boeing has entry level training programs that are available to engineers and I believe physics majors as well, and othercompanies might have something similar.

For what it's worth, I think grad school has been less stressful for me because I worked in between, so the idea of taking a break from grad school and then going back has a lot of merit, I think.  Still, make sure to give yourself a few weeks to unwind after the semester ends to recharge, so that you can see things with a little more perspective.

Good luck & hang in there!

[artimacia]

Yea, taking a medical leave will burn the fewest bridges, give you personal time to think things over, and they wouldn't look down on you or anything, I would imagine they would be supportive

[xfigo]

I've thought about that, but as I mentioned, there is greater than a 90% chance that it would be fruitless for me to return here given that the one person whose research interests line up with mine will be leaving shortly (I've gotten these rumors directly from other teachers/admins). So is a leave of absence still preferable even if I will not be returning to this institution? 

[rising_star]

Yes, leave of absence is still preferable. You want to be on good terms with everyone at your current institution because that's basically the only way you'll get into another institution.

[juilletmercredi]

Why drop out?  If you love physics and want a career in it for sure, then why not just take a leave of absence?

 

I don't think you will burn any bridges if you leave for good though, as long as you leave gracefully.  Only weird people take offense to a person leaving a program to focus on their health.  I also personally don't see any reason to take a leave of absence if you know for sure you won't return to your program, but if you're not 100% sure than I would still take the leave.

[fuzzylogician]

At the moment, since it's not clear whether or not this professor is leaving and also whether or not there will be a job search to replace her and generally what the department will look like a year from now, I think it makes more sense to delay decision-making as much as possible. No harm will be done if you take a leave of absence now to concentrate on your health, and then a year later decide to quit your program and re-apply because your research interests are no longer supported at your current school. I think it even makes sense to separate the health-related decisions from the career-related ones, and this is a good way of doing so. You don't need to make this choice now and it's not like you're going to apply to another program right away, so why not put this program on hold instead of stopping completely -- seems to me that you keep more options open that way and you have nothing to lose.

[lafresca]

I also second (or third, or fourth!) the leave of absence decision. I can definitely identify with feeling overwhelmed and uninspired even though you're at the top of your class. I felt this way during my first year as a graduate student, was having serious doubts about my intellectual abilities, suffering from depression, etc. I thought about quitting my program plenty of times, I was too ashamed to even think about a leave of absence.

 

The problem for me was spending too much time doing coursework, and not enough time being a normal human. I have since made clear 'spaces' that are for work and those that are for 'play.' I work long, hard hours in the lab, but when I go home, it's all about relaxing and connecting with myself. I watch tv. I cook. I take my dog on walks. At school it's all about research.

 

My suggestions are:

1) make enough time for interests OUTSIDE of academia

2) make friends OUTSIDE of academia - sometimes the competition becomes too fierce, and you need normal people to keep you sane and grounded.

3) establish clear boundaries (physical and psychological) between work and play. This will make you work a lot more efficiently, and will make you look forward to your 'play' time.

4) Take breaks every once in a while.

 

I never took the leave of absence, just employed some of the guidelines written above. I am about to graduate from my MA program, and have been one of the most successful applicants in my cohort. Keep your head up! You can do it!

[xfigo]

One final related question then: I'm ok with taking a leave of absence, but I have absolutely no intention of returning here whether or not my advisor stays.  Again, it's only an OK fit (research interests have taken a definite shift from what I was told she was into when I applied), and the fit with the school in general has definitely contributed to my condition. 

 

The problem (as I see it, so almost certainly not the real one!) is that since admissions for graduate schools take about a year, if I was planning on trying to go back next year, I'd have to apply around this December. 

I guess I would take a leave of absence, and then around the time I need letters of rec (beginning of November-ish), inform them I need to transfer? I can't imagine needing more than a year to clear up my issues, so that part is still confusing me. 
 

Thanks for all of your help, everyone.  It's been helping a lot. 

[studentaffairsgrad]

Hi Xfigo - if you do decide to continue in your program, or drop-out and come back at some point, I would strongly suggest registering with your university's Office of Disability Services (or whatever the office is called on your campus). Unfortunately the name can stigmatize students from using their services but on my campus, if you have a diagnosed mental illness, you can register with their office. You get your own disability adviser, and they can provide you with additional assistance and make sure that your rights are being protected under the ADA and Section 504. The office is not legally allowed to disclose that you are registered with them to anyone. They aren't even allowed to tell the military if they were to inquire about ROTC students. The only time anyone would know you were registered is if you wanted to self-disclose, or asked the office to intervene with a professor or something to that effect on your behalf.

 

I would really suggest to anyone reading this who may have ADD, ADHD, depression, learning disabilities, bi-polar, etc. that effects their daily functioning sometimes to register. So often folks only think that Disability Services deal with physical disabilities, but they do a lot more than that