Quals are coming, I'm destined to fail and I should leave.

[binftastic]

Hey everyone, 

 

Having posted on this forum before, I was very impressed with the comments and encouraging feedback that I received from everyone and now I'm returning for round 2.  

 

I'm in a PhD program in computational biology and I've been here for about two years.  I ran into some serious snags during my lab rotations and as a result joined a lab somewhat late (April 2013).  My PI is very supportive and I enjoy working with her so far.  

 

For our quals we are required to write a research proposal on a topic that we have never covered in any of our lab rotations, and it must be on a topic that is totally unrelated to our thesis proposal.  I have been researching topics for a month and I still have no idea what I want to do, in spite of the fact that I have been reading research articles.  I am a slow reader, I can't remember anything from my classes, and I still suck at reading scientific articles.  Our topic submission deadline is June 15th and I don't trust myself enough to come up with a feasible/defendable research topic in a week.  What's worse is that my proposal deadline is in December and at this point I have no convincing preliminary data.  

 

Ultimately, this is all because I seriously miscalculated how long it would take me to do all of these things.  Because of my lack of foresight and apparent inability to plan things ahead months in advance, I'm thinking about dropping out of my program.  I have no intention of being a PI, and for this reason I don't need a PhD.  Nobody knows this yet and I don't feel emotionally prepared for the fight that's ahead, should I choose.  Not to mention the frightful job market.  

 

I'm so paralyzed with fear that I cannot think clearly, and I predict that this will continue to be a problem.  Should I just quit before I waste more of my department's time and money?

[ak48]

Wow, slow down and stop panicking! This whole self pitying and self aggrandizing "I'll quit now to save the university's money" drama talk isn't helping anyone. Decisions made in times of high emotion are usually terrible.

 

The university and lab groups chose you because they thought you were qualified. Why dont you agree with them?

 

First off, you haven't failed yet. Stop acting like it's a foregone conclusion. You have a whole damn MONTH.

 

Second, many universities give students a second chance after failing a qual. Although these are typically examinations instead of research proposals, I don't think they'll go "ok you failed, bye" and kick you out the door immediately, especially if your PI will vouch for you.

 

Third, have you reached out to your advisor? Older graduate students? Cohorts? I don't know what the rules are, but there should be leeway in talking about the process, if not the actual end results. Try to pinpoint what your roadblocks are and discussing them with others. Your advisor will be your biggest ally, make sure he/she knows your situation. After all, it's their job to provide mentorship and advice.

 

Wallowing in self-defeating pity doesn't do a single thing for you! Go out and start talking to people, getting help, and pass the damn qual!

[fuzzylogician]

binftastic, I think that you are having some very damaging internal dialogs and they had better stop. You are talking yourself into believing that you can't do this, where we have absolutely no evidence that that is the case. If anything, we have evidence that you are a successful research student who has a good lab and a supportive advisor. You can do this and furthermore I think you should do this. Quitting without ever having tried will haunt you later in life. It's not a regret you want to carry around with you. I personally think it's better to try and fail than not try at all -- but again, there is no reason to think that you will fail to begin with.

 

Reach out for help to get you out of this cycle. I don't know how much you're allowed to talk to your professors and colleagues about this (I hope that there is no restriction!) but ask as many questions as you can. I'm sure you can get support with organizing your thought process and with time management. Ask your advisor about those issues -- work back from the deadline and make yourself a schedule for getting things done. Do that with her, and if you need to, set up a weekly meeting or email or whatnot to report what you've done. Don't allow yourself to get stuck and just sit there. You have PLENTY of time! If it's allowed, ask your advisor how she goes about finding research topics. In the past I've sat in front of the relevant shelves in the library and read random things until something sparked an interest, and then I looked at the bibliography and went from there. I also find that sometimes reading the syllabus for advanced seminars can get me thinking about new ideas - they will usually touch on the most recent topics of research - precisely the ones that are still debated in the literature and where there is current active work being done.

 

But -- don't read too much. That's an easy way to get bogged down. As soon as you find a topic that interests you, start talking about it to people. Try and formulate some very vague question or idea and take it to people; different people will take it in different directions, and probably some of them will be useful. I find it helpful at some point to write up what I am thinking, even if it's in bullet-point form and I have to list all the things I don't know about -- because once I do and I show it to professors, they will help answer some of the questions and ask new ones. Research is not done in a vacuum and I hope you are not required to do so for your quals. So talk to everyone - profs, cohort, upper class-men - and get yourself out of this negative way of thinking! 

[binftastic]

Sorry, there were a few things that I haven't made entirely clear:

 

My advisor gets stressed out and angered easily, which makes me afraid to talk to him.  If I reveal to him that I haven't found a qual topic after an entire month, he might become furious.  He's been helpful to me in the past, but I can never tell what's going to set him off.  

 

How can I keep my cool around him when he gets angry, and is this a trick that PI's play on their students to get them motivated?

[fuzzylogician]

Sorry, there were a few things that I haven't made entirely clear:

 

My advisor gets stressed out and angered easily, which makes me afraid to talk to him.  If I reveal to him that I haven't found a qual topic after an entire month, he might become furious.  He's been helpful to me in the past, but I can never tell what's going to set him off.  

 

How can I keep my cool around him when he gets angry, and is this a trick that PI's play on their students to get them motivated?

Sounds more like a personality trait than a "trick." Look, the more you postpone asking for help, the bigger the problem will become your mind and the less time you will have left to complete your project. I'm not sure what you mean by furious; you wrote before "My PI is very supportive and I enjoy working with her so far." Lets imagine you come to her and say that you've been having trouble coming up with a good topic and you would like to ask for her help. Suppose now she is unhappy and says she's disappointed because she thought you'd have done more by now. This would be a very unhelpful thing to say but I'm imagining that that's what you're afraid of and I can also imagine some people saying something of this nature. Well, then you pick it up and go from there - you say you'd thought you'd get more done too, but you tried X and it didn't pan out and you also thought of Y but couldn't make it work. So now you're here in her office and you hope that she can help you do better, because time is running out and you feel like you're stuck. You've never handled a project of this size or nature, and apparently the way you initially went about it was unsuccessful. How can you help me fix it now so that I have something ready before the deadline?

The idea is to steer the conversation in a helpful direction, ask questions in such a way that it's clear you understand that it's your responsibility and you want to make it work, but you're inexperienced and you've encountered difficulties you hadn't planned on. That is precisely what an advisor is for -- they are there to advise you. This is a step in your education that's unlike anything you've done before and it's hard. You need guidance to make it through, and that's perfectly natural. If you'd already known everything coming into this process, what would be the point in going through it at all?

[ak48]

Sorry, there were a few things that I haven't made entirely clear:

 

My advisor gets stressed out and angered easily, which makes me afraid to talk to him.  If I reveal to him that I haven't found a qual topic after an entire month, he might become furious.  He's been helpful to me in the past, but I can never tell what's going to set him off.  

 

How can I keep my cool around him when he gets angry, and is this a trick that PI's play on their students to get them motivated?

 

You shouldn't be so afraid of possible criticism, especially when you need help.

 

you seem to have a problem about creating the worst scenario and then believing that this is the only possibility. (I'll definitely fail this, my advisor will definitely be furious). It's unreasonable. Reach out and get help.

[St Andrews Lynx]

If I'm going to have what I think is going to be a difficult conversation, I usually take a couple of deep breaths beforehand. It is amazing what a difference a well-oxygenated brain makes.

 

If you worry that your advisor is going to lose their temper...well, don't spring the news on them. Send a brief emailing saying: "I'm having difficulties with choosing a qual topic and would like to sit down with you to get some advice/assistance. When can we do this?" That way your advisor has been informed that something is wrong...but also knows that you're trying to get help & sort the problem.

 

If you're really afraid that they're going to lose it with you...offer to bring 'em a coffee to the meeting or something.

[binftastic]

Thanks again for the responses, everyone.  After reading my posts and your advice, I'm starting to realize how out-of-whack my thoughts are getting.  Good thing I started seeing my therapist again last week...

[juilletmercredi]

You say you have a supportive PI.  Go talk to her!  Ask for help.  That's what she's there for, among other things.  One month is plenty of time to think of a topic (I've written a full draft of my entire dissertation proposal in three weeks) and 6 months should be enough time to write a research proposal.  It's not an actual study, just a proposal.

 

But I am concerned that you are using this as a proxy reason to leave, as it sounds like you may have realized that you don't need a PhD ("I have no intention of being a PI") and are somewhat depressed and anxious about the prospects of finishing.  If that's the case, you need to do some soul searching.  You may even need to slow down a bit.  I "lost" two whole semesters and a summer (not consecutively) trying to decide if I wanted to finish.  As a result, I'm taking an extra year to finish, which isn't the end of the world.  Oddly enough, my advisors never seemed to notice - they think I'm doing great, and progressing at a great clip.  If you can bring yourself to do what you need to do to get by while pondering on whether you actually want to stay…do that.

 

Your advisor has a personality flaw.  Everyone does.  Ignore his anger and focus on whether or not he can help you.  Maybe he will get angry, but that doesn't change the fact that you need guidance.

 

Glad you started seeing your therapist again! Ruminating excessively and setting up doomsday scenarios, as well as doubting your worth, are all signs of depression.  The majority of doctoral students experience debilitating depression during their PhD programs - sad but true!  You aren't alone, and it's not weird.  But you may need help.