Cities accepting of an "alternative lifestyle"...

[imokyoureadrone]

It's funny for me to think of it in those terms, because my household feels very normal to me, but I suppose it's pretty "alternative." I have two men I consider husbands, one of whom I'm legally married to (obviously can't get a marriage license for a second husband). We have all cohabited for almost two years and have known each other for seven, and dissolving either of my relationships is not an option. My non-legal husband and I are both interested in pursuing Ph.D.s in Education (him in Mathematics Education, me in History of Education), and my legal husband is planning to become a classroom teacher immediately post-graduation. We are not interested in being closeted, particularly since by the time we graduate from our undergrad program (we're non-traditional students in more ways than one, I'm the youngest of the three of us at age 25), we'll have a child that will be co-parented by all of us. At this juncture, due to some research projects and good test scores/GPAs, we are not worried about admission most anywhere, so I now have some time to city shop.

So. Does anyone live in an area that you know or believe would be pretty accepting of our arrangements? I don't want to have political issues with possible advisers or anything, nor do I want to live in a place where the state would decide to take our kid away just because we're a three-parent household.

No, this isn't a joke, so please check the facetious answers (i.e. "Go to Utah, I hear they're friendly to polygamists there") at the door. I am genuinely concerned and really want to make the choice that is best for my family and my education.

[kahlan_amnell]

The fact that you all want to be teachers will probably make it more difficult for you. I think people tend to be somewhat less accepting of alternative lifestyles of people who are teaching children. I don't know what areas might be more accepting than others, since places I'd think of as accepting would be accepting of gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered people and I don't know how those areas feel about the kind of lifestyle you're talking about.

[imokyoureadrone]

My non-legal husband and I are intending to be researchers, not classroom teachers. It's only my legal husband who will be teaching. Of the three of us, he's probably (okay, definitely) the most normal/non-threatening person. Actually, he's probably one of the least threatening people I've ever met.

I totally hear you about not knowing how to even look for this kind of acceptance. GLBT acceptance is definitely a good thing, but I'm not sure how/if it correlates to people accepting poly relationships.

[riss287]

The only thing I can really think of to say is that you would probably be better off sticking to a large metropolitan area instead of small towns or even small cities. New York City and LA come to mind. There are so many ethnicities, races, sexual orientations, etc., that I would think people would be more likely to accept something out of the ordinary. I would also do research about the political leaning of different areas. It's a stereotype and not always true, but often the blue states are less conservative than the red ones.

[TulipOHare]

If you're not interested in being closeted, I'm afraid you are just looking at a hard row to hoe no matter what. Many people who are relatively tolerant (or even very tolerant) of other alternative lifestyles are totally freaked out by polyamory. There are also no legal protections around it (i.e., your workplace can't fire you because of your age, gender, race, religion, or medical condition -- but they're still within their rights to fire you for being a polyamorist; ditto for landlords refusing to rent to you, etc.).

I really cannot think of any place that is widely accepting of polyamory, so I agree with riss287 that it would probably be most prudent to live in a big blue city. People in cities tend to be more tolerant. People in less religious places tend to be more tolerant. The more people there are, the less everyone sticks their faces in everyone else's business. And if your or your husbands' professional or personal relationships suffer because you're polyamorists, it will be easier to get new jobs or new friends without having to totally relocate if you live in a city.

[ewurgler]

I agree with what everyone has suggested--big cities in the northeast or california. I would say san francisco would be a good bet as well as LA. So check Berkeley, UCSF, Stanford. The tolerance of the bay area doesn't extend into central california as much, so don't assume a place like UC Davis will be as accepting as SF. I would also say a place like Seattle would be great (Dan Savage seems to like it, and he requires quite a bit of tolerance). I live in san diego, and though it isn't an 'alternative lifestyle' haven, there are neighborhoods and pockets where you would feel right at home.

I would apply to big city schools, and once you are in at a few places, email lots of graduate students with this exact question. If you get a weird response from them...perhaps not the best place.

[psycholinguist]

I agree that the Bay Area would be ideal. Montr

[psychomachia]

I agree that the Bay Area would be ideal. Montr

[imokyoureadrone]

Wow, thank you so much, guys (and thanks for the non-judgmental answers, they are a relief!). I hadn't looked into Toronto at all but now I think I'm absolutely going to do so.

[thepoorstockinger]

I'd also suggest OISE at the University of Toronto. Aside from the city being welcoming to alternative lifestyles OISE (Ontario Institute for Studies in Education) has a very good reputation, at least in Canada, and wide ranging faculty.

I will offer this word of caution: despite high test scores, good GPA and good rec letters I would be careful about assuming you can pick and choose your school. Education programs are even greater crap shoots than other graduate schools since different programs (and committee members for that matter) seem to hold wildly different opinions on things like what sort of teaching experience is needed and the like. The current financial crisis/funding crunch certainly won't help on this front.

[rising_star]

My friend is in a poly relationship in Columbus, Ohio, which is where Ohio State is (and Ohio Wesleyan isn't too far away)...

[imokyoureadrone]

rising_star, has your friend encountered any major issues because of his/her relationship?

[glasses]

I agree with the big city suggestion--in my experience, though, the Bay Area's less tolerant than it's rumored to be. Although, a few notes: I've heard good things about SF from other friends, although I had bad luck; also, I'm speaking from GLBT experience, which, as has been pointed out, is a horse of a different color. Regardless: I'm mostly posting to wish you good luck!

[teaganc]

I agree with the big city suggestion--in my experience, though, the Bay Area's less tolerant than it's rumored to be. Although, a few notes: I've heard good things about SF from other friends, although I had bad luck; also, I'm speaking from GLBT experience, which, as has been pointed out, is a horse of a different color. Regardless: I'm mostly posting to wish you good luck!

Additionally, I want to say that I've lived in LA and San Diego, and neither city was particularly tolerant of even GLBT, so I would be very, very nervous about these two cities. Santa Barbara is a little better, as is the Bay Area, but in general Californians are a lot more judgmental than non-Californians assume they will be. I think maybe Toronto might be a better option, or maybe Massachusetts?

[peacelily]

I went to Brown for undergrad, and I had a couple of friends in poly relationships who didn't have to be particularly discreet about it. Grad programs might be a bit less accepting than undergrad, since they are smaller, so you can't easily avoid closed-minded people if they are there... but I've found Brown to be generally pretty accepting of alternative lifestyles. I also know that there is a fairly large poly community in Boston, and there is a Boston poly livejournal group, which might be a good place to turn to with questions: http://community.livejournal.com/polyboston/

[glasses]

Additionally, I want to say that I've lived in LA and San Diego, and neither city was particularly tolerant of even GLBT, so I would be very, very nervous about these two cities. Santa Barbara is a little better, as is the Bay Area, but in general Californians are a lot more judgmental than non-Californians assume they will be. I think maybe Toronto might be a better option, or maybe Massachusetts?

I'm so glad I'm not the only person who didn't have the greatest CA experience! I've tried SF and LA, admittedly for only small periods of time, but neither worked out so well for me . . . I always figured that my experience had something to do with Northeast-born-and-bred anal retentiveness, but I'm relieved to hear that it may not be entirely so. I'm in MA--Cambridge--which I love to pieces, and you might have some luck here. It's a great little place. I can't speak for Toronto, having never been, but by reputation it sounds amenable.

[Aceflyer]

I thought that I'd point out that Connecticut may also be a more tolerant/liberal state, at least judging from the fact that it allows same-sex marriage. (And in sharp contrast to what happened in California, Connecticut voters roundly defeated (with a 60% majority) a ballot measure that could have resulted in a ban on same-sex marriage.)

Boston is definitely a good bet though. I also wish the OP the best!

[dirkduck]

You could look in to Boulder, CO, which houses the University of Colorado.

[teaganc]

I'm so glad I'm not the only person who didn't have the greatest CA experience! I've tried SF and LA, admittedly for only small periods of time, but neither worked out so well for me . . . I always figured that my experience had something to do with Northeast-born-and-bred anal retentiveness, but I'm relieved to hear that it may not be entirely so. I'm in MA--Cambridge--which I love to pieces, and you might have some luck here. It's a great little place. I can't speak for Toronto, having never been, but by reputation it sounds amenable.

I'm from the Northeast too! We really need to start a, people from the Northeast who moved to the fabled CA and discovered that it sucked a lot more than popular culture let on, club. And I'm moving to MA (probably) this fall! We're like, location-driven e-soulmates.

[whateverneveram3n]

I'm yet another Northeast native who's going to agree with the "you'll probably have better luck in the northeast" sentiment. It is, after all, home to the two states that currently recognize same-sex marriages. While that doesn't necessarily mean you'll encounter the same tolerance that LGBT/etc people and issues enjoy in that region, it does mean you'll probably encounter more tolerance compared to the other parts of the country where they aren't even tolerant of LGBT issues.

I went to college in Vermont, and would suggest checking out Burlington (where the Univ. of VT is). (Even despite the fact that the big news there right now is: the governor is hollering about how he's going to veto the same-sex marriage bill that's currently in the state legislature...thing is, it's probably going to pass through both the senate and house with 2/3+ majority, so his veto threat is hopefully meaningless.) UVM offers a degree in math education, but I don't know about programs in the history of education. Vermont, but particularly Burlington, is a pretty "anything goes" kind of place, very tolerant. Although I suppose I never really heard much about polyamorous relationships there, I can't imagine people would think that's too much "weirder" than anything else one already encounters there. On the down-side, it is small as far as cities go, so you may find better support trying a bigger city--where you'll probably have more success networking with other people observing lifestyles similar to yours.

Anyhow, I wish you the best of luck! =)