flyinglion Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 I have made up my mind to accept the offer from school A, after long time of thinking and oscillating between choices. But the decision comes more from "feeling" than "thinking", or I just follow my heart because the head cannot decide. I know I make the right decision. but the problem is, I feel scarey to say no to other profs. They are all presitigious ones in the field whom I respect so much.. some of them seems to have a "better match" with my previous work. However, I decide to take an advanture to follow my "gut instinct"... I am really scared to say "no", and I don't know how/.... any advice?
Nardo Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 i feel you 100%, it's a bittersweet ending, but that's life, or at least that's what my mom says.
Tritonetelephone Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 I'm in a similar but opposite boat. I'm pretty sure that I'll turn down School B because it wouldn't be as good for my career as the others (the "thinking" part), but I'm having trouble getting myself to say no because the "feelings" I have for that school were so strong. I won't say no until I'm ready (or until April 15th... whatever comes first).
fes_alum Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Hey there flyinglion- As a PhD student who had to decide between several programs and working with some very prestigious faculty, I know how hard it can be to let a school and professor know that you've chosen another program, especially when a professor often "has to go to bat" for you to get you admitted. However, all professors know that most students have applied to and are considering other offers. All they can do is hope that their college offers you the best package to attract you to their program. In many cases, universities/programs may "sweeten" the deal to get you to accept their offer. I had two programs in a "bidding war" to get me to accept their offers of admission and I ended up with a package unheard of in most PhD programs. That said, the best anyone can do is to let each professor know why you chose school 'A' over their program. It's important to upfront and honest. Most professors are understanding and in some instances, may still be willing to mentor you by serving on your committee. Best of luck!
dherres Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 I'm really not looking forward to making my decision about which to go to. Yes, A is a straight-to-PhD with mandatory completion of MA along the way, while for B I'd have to reapply to the PhD, but.... I'm far more interested in the curriculum at B, and I've already expended so much energy over it, went up and visited, looked online for where I might want to live, which classes to take, etc. etc..... I'm incredibly grateful that I'm even able to make a choice, but in some ways, having more than one option only makes things harder. 19 days doesn't seem like enough time to decide on the next 5 years of my life.
saritapie Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 I was in exactly this position 24 hours ago. How the heck to say "no" to Berkeley?! Particularly: How to say 'no' to my prospective advisor there, who is amazing? I felt (and feel) certain of my choice, but that was after being dispassionate and rational and doing pro/con lists and soliciting advice from practically everyone I knew... and then having it all shake out into a stalemate. Then I just put it aside, decided not to think about it until, say, April. And within a week I was talking to other (re: non-grad student) friends as though the decision was made. When one of them called me out on it, I was like, "Oh. I guess I do know what I want. Actually, I'm dead certain I know what I want. But I can't rationalize it! I don't know how I got here! I just know where I want to go!" But, okay, you have a problem: How to say "no"? I asked my undergrad advisor (and also, now, my PhD advisor, since he got the "yes"!) about how to handle this. He said e-mail would be fine, and that "a nice note to [prospective advisor] and the grad advisor would be a good courtesy, and of course filling out the online decline. The best approach is to be simple, honest and respectful -- and brief." So that's what I did. Grad advisor wrote back a nice note today... haven't heard from PA. I had a really hard time pressing "send," but I feel totally fine about it now. Actually, really happy! I hope it turns out this way for you. If it helps, remind yourself that what "feels" right does count. As much as this is
flyinglion Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 I was in exactly this position 24 hours ago. How the heck to say "no" to Berkeley?! Particularly: How to say 'no' to my prospective advisor there, who is amazing? I felt (and feel) certain of my choice, but that was after being dispassionate and rational and doing pro/con lists and soliciting advice from practically everyone I knew... and then having it all shake out into a stalemate. Then I just put it aside, decided not to think about it until, say, April. And within a week I was talking to other (re: non-grad student) friends as though the decision was made. When one of them called me out on it, I was like, "Oh. I guess I do know what I want. Actually, I'm dead certain I know what I want. But I can't rationalize it! I don't know how I got here! I just know where I want to go!" But, okay, you have a problem: How to say "no"? I asked my undergrad advisor (and also, now, my PhD advisor, since he got the "yes"!) about how to handle this. He said e-mail would be fine, and that "a nice note to [prospective advisor] and the grad advisor would be a good courtesy, and of course filling out the online decline. The best approach is to be simple, honest and respectful -- and brief." So that's what I did. Grad advisor wrote back a nice note today... haven't heard from PA. I had a really hard time pressing "send," but I feel totally fine about it now. Actually, really happy! I hope it turns out this way for you. If it helps, remind yourself that what "feels" right does count. As much as this is
fuzzylogician Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 I've started declining offers from schools I am sure I won't attend, and even though I know I won't go there, it was still gut-wrenching having to write to potential advisers who were so nice and supportive up until now and tell them I won't accept their offer. I feel bad about having to say no to great offers, but on the other hand knowing that someone off the waitlist will get a yes helps make up that. Everyone I've written to so far knew I had other offers I was considering, and was very understanding of my choosing a different place. But yes, it was a hard thing to have to do..
Repi3 Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Wow, my situation encompasses all of the above (one school offered full ride PhD, other only MA and reapply, I'm too emotionally exhausted to have to go through this process again, and who says no to Harvard?!). Logically, I know the obvious decision, but I am still hesitating to hit "decline..." The great part about it though is that we do have a decision to make (I imagine I'm not the only one here who, at some point in the process, decided they would receive nothing but rejections)
TulipOHare Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Totally. I have two great options, but if I let myself get worked up about it, it seems like I lose no matter what I decide...
saritapie Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Totally. I have two great options, but if I let myself get worked up about it, it seems like I lose no matter what I decide... And let me guess: Meanwhile all your friends and family are telling you that you can't go wrong? That's how it was for me...
belowthree Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 This thread was the one that made me finally write e-mails to the programs I won't be attending this fall and let them know. I only made my decision recently, but I was having some trouble getting to the point where I was willing to close the other doors. Once you get going it's not that bad. I only thought I was going to let one of the places know, (and then slowly close the others as I became absolutely sure) but then once I got rolling I realized I was already sure and I ended up sending five e-mails to three institutions. (Usually the prof I was in contact with + the grad coordinator.) I thanked everyone involved and 30 minutes later I had both let the programs know and made a steak for breakfast. It's painless once you start. I'm going to eat my breakfast now. waddle 1
flyinglion Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 Wow, my situation encompasses all of the above (one school offered full ride PhD, other only MA and reapply, I'm too emotionally exhausted to have to go through this process again, and who says no to Harvard?!). Logically, I know the obvious decision, but I am still hesitating to hit "decline..." The great part about it though is that we do have a decision to make (I imagine I'm not the only one here who, at some point in the process, decided they would receive nothing but rejections) I am with you! Yes... I am another one who said no to Harvard.
flyinglion Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 I have made up my mind to accept the offer from school A, after long time of thinking and oscillating between choices. But the decision comes more from "feeling" than "thinking", or I just follow my heart because the head cannot decide. I know I make the right decision. but the problem is, I feel scarey to say no to other profs. They are all presitigious ones in the field whom I respect so much.. some of them seems to have a "better match" with my previous work. However, I decide to take an advanture to follow my "gut instinct"... I am really scared to say "no", and I don't know how/.... any advice? Hey, update: it is fine to say no. yes, it is. I meet with my advisor today, have a nice talk with him. He told me it is fine to turn down offers, just being polite. Decline is a process of recruitment~ I send out all the decline emails, and got very warmly responded. So far so good.
TulipOHare Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 And let me guess: Meanwhile all your friends and family are telling you that you can't go wrong? That's how it was for me... EXACTLY! In fact, I had someone tell me that not even 30 minutes ago!
slowbro Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 If it helps, you're not the only one having difficulty declining offers. I just sent an e-mail to a professor to decline a funded offer and seriously feel like vomiting -- especially since I now have to e-mail two other professors in the program to let them know. It does make me feel a little better, however, to know that someone on the program's waitlist will receive pleasant news. Better still, that person will receive the news just before the open house.
belowthree Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 Has anyone said no to a school only to receive an e-mail a bit afterwards offering funding? (More funding, different funding, whatever kind of funding, but some sort of change in funding after declining?) A school just did this to me, doesn't actually change my decision, but I'm wondering how common this is and trying to judge the likelihood it was intentional...
bowdoinstudent Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 Wow, I know exactly what you mean. I posted a very, almost eerily similar post in the Literature forum about how I was nervous and felt bad about declining offers even tho I have already made my decision sometimes ago, and the responses I got from people were hostile to say the least. Some said I wasn't a very "decent human being," some said I needed to get off my high horse and let the people on the waitlists a chance and stop wasting my and other people's time, some said I needed a "smack" in the face for being so whiny about the dilemma/luxury of choosing schools. But I am glad to know that in this forum, I can relate to y'all and get some empathy. Anyway, I already accepted an offer and declined at 3 other places, so there. People can be so petty and bitter sometimes. :roll:
a cup of coffee Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 I turned down one of my offers extremely early -- if you already know your decision, I would recommend saying no asap only because you will feel SO much better when the decision process is entirely, entirely over.
avidLayout Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 To all making decisions, Please take all the time necessary to make a good decision (within the imposed time limit of the various departments :wink: ). That being said, please don't delay the inevitable if you have, indeed, reached a decision. As an experienced 'wait-lister', I would be annoyed if someone were just delaying (because they don't want to say no, or for whatever reason). If, truly, a decision is made, please respect the aspirations of other young scholars by politely declining those offers you chose not to take. Thank you
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