My Statement (rough draft) -- Critiques?

[Mr.X]

Hi!

 

I've written out my first comfortable rough draft of my statement, and was hoping some of you could part with some intelligence and critique on it. I know I can get a bit wordy, as I feel as if I have to write more academic for things like this. I need to fine tooth through it shortly and ask the tough writing questions, but wanted to put it through others' wringers first. This is my first draft, so any and all criticism is widely appreciate... Also, you can view my recent work here to lend visuals to the words: http://alupton.com/art/new-work/

 

 

 

[Catchy Intro, leading in to second paragraph]

My university education pursued the study of communication design, leaving my artistic pursuits to the extended studio hours. This has only benefited me. Drawing from designerly convergent and divergent thinking, my processes to identify and ideate solutions provide me with a different lens to view situations. The same lens inserts itself in my art – much like the Bauhaus’ influence – on balance, colour theory, and composition.

Having to self-motivate my artistic pursuits culminated in my overwhelming desire to give voice to ideas that design wasn’t facilitating. After an intensive backpacking trip through Europe, I returned to Vancouver to explore the potency of image making, while opening an independent art gallery to facilitate in the larger discourse of contemporary art in the city.

I use my constructed images as a vehicle for exploring relationships in modern society, through the influx of interpersonal, intrapersonal, and technological psychological and sociological struggles – overtoning current issues while creating a conversational point for critical reflection.

My recent work pits the moment of choice against the visualization of their outcomes: temporal planes coexisting on a singular surface. I paint figures with varied levels of connection to reality. Within that parameter I am probing the dialogue – internal and external – faced in the multi-directional narratives that question our own process of free will as well as our concepts of space, time, fate, and self.

While painting from staged photoshoots allows me to control every detail of the final image, when I put oil to canvas a lot is left to happenstance: the results produced from constantly erasing, wiping, layering, and blurring. Consciously and unconsciously I provide structure that allows for instances of spontaneity, moments when something greater bends my grid and transforms the application of paint into abstracted reality.

Within my work, the ideals of abstract and realism don’t have to settle at a common ground; they are not mutually exclusive from one another. Coexisting and complementing they create a dialogue between that extends into a contemporary culturally accessible point, the personification as an inviting notion of familiarity.

I want to be in the heart of an artistic giant, and eat, sleep, and mold myself to be great. This is why I am applying to XXXX SCHOOL. I want to immerse myself, grow my technical and theoretical skills, and contextualize my work within the larger discourse of contemporary art that XXX can facilitate. I want to become a strong addition to a mutually supportive community of creators and devote faculty. TALK ABOUT SPECIFIC AREAS OF THE SCHOOL. This is how I plan to shape cultural landscapes, to provide alternative truths to ingrained views.

 

 

Thanks a lot!

 

[kafralal]

Mr. X,

You studied communication design and pursued art on your own (make it simple). How did this benefit you? In plain english? You're being obscure to sound smart (we've all done this), but it doesn't sound smart, it's just difficult to understand. I have to rearrange each sentence and simplify words (e.g."ideate solutions") to figure out what you are trying to say. I recommend speaking as if you are having a regular conversation. Committees are made up of regular people—talk to them that way. You can use art discourse terminology, but you still need to be clear and use it appropriately.

Be more specific about Bauhaus influences. How do you understand their ideas about balance, colour theory and composition in terms of your work?

 

Talk about how your art developed parrallel to DC or pushed away from it, resisted it—be specific...maybe you were trying out some of the things you were learning in DC but in ways that were outside the scope of your discipline. Explain the connection between travel and your art. Right now it sounds like maybe you took lots of photos that you were excited to work with, but I'm not sure. You could say more about the gallery. Which "larger discourse" did you hope to engage with and how did it turn out? It is hard work to run a gallery, be honest and  and keep in mind that small ideas and lessons learned aren't trivial.

I don't understand what you are saying about constructed images. How does working this way help you explore contemporary relationships? There's something about psychology, social struggle and being critical; address each of those ideas briefly in plain english.

I get "time" (althugh you still need to explain, briefly), but I'm not sure how you are questioning or engaging with free will and concepts of space, fate and self. I'm not challenging whether you actually are engaging with those things or not, just that you need to do more than make claims. You need to back them up. What exactly are you doing and why? If you can't explain what you are doing clearly then maybe you aren't doing what you thought (or hoped) you were doing. Committees recognize bullshit. Be authentic and honest.

You start to make a little more sense when you talk about control and the loss of control but I don't know what "bends my grid" is (I could try to guess, but I don't think you should leave it at that). And, isn't the application of paint already abstracted reality? Maybe rethink this a little and say something about how wiping, layering etc. helps you to explore, discover (?) those things.

You want abstraction and realism to co-exist…why? (Again I'm not questioning the basic premise, you just need to explain). After that I'm not sure what you are claiming…something about abstraction and reality IRL. How do the paintings do that?

Everyone wants to become great, be more specific. I think you need to have some sense of how you are already engaging in contemporary discourse. I don't think it has to be profound, just thoughtful.

 

OK, that's all I've got. Please don't take offence if I have misspoken, I sincerely hope this helps.

[bannedinbc]

what is an intensive backpacking trip? do you mean extensive? Also, if you find yourself running out of space, I would cut out the backpacking trip reference. A lot of people have backpacked Europe, and it doesn't really seem to add much to the statement. Another sentence about your experience running a gallery or something like that would be more useful IMO.

 

ps. 3 Vancouverites in one thread. New record?

[kafralal]

ps. 3 Vancouverites in one thread. New record?

 

Indeed!

[Mr.X]

Haha, whodda thunk? I'm sure our paths have crossed at some point too.

 

Anywho, thanks both of you for the feedback. It has really helped a ton. I'm rewriting it now, and should have the next draft done in a couple days... I'll put it back up here to be picked apart again.

 

Also, if you're both still in the Vancouver area, and have old work kicking around the studio you want to sell, I'm putting a quick show together at my gallery in December. Details are here: http://positivenegativegallery.com/December-Art-Sale . Send me a message or an email if you'd like to put some stuff in.

 

Thanks again.

[Mr.X]

Round two. All critiques welcome. Anything and everything is helpful.

 

 

 

Formally educated in Communication Design from Emily Carr University, I pursued my artistic merits on my own. This has only come to benefit me. Approaching painting with the same lens I use to resolve design problems and develop multi-discipline projects, I am able to use my practice to innovate ideas and solutions from a form-follows-function directive. From persistently ideating concepts; to maintaining a critical eye for balance, colour theory, and composition; to drawing from a background that emphasizes interdisciplinary pedagogy; studying design has provided me with a skill set that has a rich resource pool to extract from.

Cultivating a growing drive that design was unable to facilitate, I turned my attention to my artistic pursuits. Simultaneous to focusing on painting, I opened an independent art gallery in Vancouver. Providing a platform to voice and support emerging artists, I have worked hard to facilitate ideas in the discourse of contemporary art in the city. Opening a gallery has been one of the steepest learning curves I have faced, yet has provided me a wealth of enduring connections with artists across all genres.

Within my work I use my structured paintings as a vehicle for exploring psychological and sociological struggles in modern society. Blurring lines between explicit and undefined helps probe the internal and external dialogue faced in the multi-directional narratives.

My recent work pits the moment of choice against the visualization of their outcomes: temporal planes coexisting on a singular surface. With the notion of quantum mechanics having every possible outcome to a situation realized in splintered universes, I paint figures with varied levels of connection to reality. To call into question our process of free will as well as our concepts of space, time, fate, and self; if every decision comes true in one parallel life or another, are we as free as we think we are?

While painting from staged photoshoots allows me to control every detail of the final image, when I put oil to canvas a lot is left to grapple: the results produced from constantly erasing, scraping, layering, and smearing. Consciously and unconsciously I provide structure that allows for instances of spontaneity – the juxtaposition to build representationally and the destruction of it abstractly. Drawn more from European traditions of impressionism than North American photorealism, the ideals of both amalgamate distinct and seemingly adverse vocabularies to invoke a resonant dialogue with the viewer.

I want to be in the heart of an artistic giant. To eat, sleep, and mold myself to not just be a great painter, yet an extraordinary artist. This is why I am applying to XXXX SCHOOL. I want to immerse myself, grow my technical and theoretical skills, and contextualize my work more within the thematic exploration of self in contemporary art. I want to become a strong addition to a mutually supportive community of creators and devote faculty. TALK ABOUT SPECIFIC AREAS OF THE SCHOOL. This is how I plan to shape cultural landscapes, to provide alternative truths to ingrained paradigms.

 

 

 

Thank you!

[bannedinbc]

some notes:

I don't know about you, but whenever I use the same word a couple times in a row it makes me uneasy. Maybe consider changing the first use of "facilitate" to something like "fulfill"? unless it doesn't bother you.

 

I think you could come up with something more useful to say about running a gallery than "yet has provided me a wealth of enduring connections with artists across all genres."

 

If you're tight on words, here's 3 you don't need:

"Within my work I use my structured paintings..."

 

I find this part a bit awkward. The second sentence is a fragment. Some changes that I think would make it flow better:

"[Drawing from/influenced by...] the notion from quantum mechanics that every possible outcome to a situation is realized in splintered universes, I paint figures with varied levels of connection to reality to call into question our process of free will as well as our concepts of space, time, fate, and self. If every decision comes true in one parallel life or another, are we as free as we think we are?

[Mr.X]

Thanks bannedinbc. I appreciate it.

 

Yes, it annoys the poop out of me too. Happens when you constantly rework parts of sentences. Thanks for catching that!

 

I was annoyed with that as well, there was something.. palatable that was missing. Is this better? "Opening a gallery has been one of the steepest learning curves I have faced, yet has provided me a gluttony of idea-colluding and process-defining conversations with an array of artists."

 

Taken out.

 

I've reworked this one as well. Does it read better/more in-depth to you now? "My recent work observes the moment of choice against the visualization of their outcomes: temporal planes coexisting on a singular surface. Influenced by quantum mechanics’ theory of a multiverse, I paint figures with varied levels of connection to reality. When every single direction exists in one parallel life or another – each influencing and being influenced by an infinite amount of others’ actions – our process of free will as well as concepts of space, time, fate, and self fall into question."

[Moonhart44]

EDIT: man i only read your first draft.  oh well.

 

Your beginning paragraph does not grasp my attention. Some of the things you say in the first paragraph is ambiguous. Like you say, I have a different lens to view situations. What situations? What kinda lens? Maybe you should omit that and just focus on what you said about art. Like how your lens is related to art (and what exactly the lens is)

 

 

You need to explain why backpacking in Europe made you become an artist. You don't need to make it long, but you need to mention it. It's good that ou mention that you opened an art gallery. Good to mention what you've done.

 

What kind of relationships (for the third paragraph)? Interpersonal, intrapersonal, etc . . . those words, what do they mean to the reader? You could really just use psychological or sociological struggles. To say interpersonal and intrapersonal and then psychological is redundant, because psychological includes both. What do you mean technological psychological struggles? Be more specific. Also your terms in this paper is a little over the top. “technological psychological struggles” can be said more simply i'm sure (for example)

 

The fourth paragraph has something specific “temporal planes coexisting on a singular surface” you describe your artwork here but do not discuss it's significant. Okay you do this temporal planes thing, but why should I (the reader) care?

 

Fifth paragraph also lacks significance. Significance cannot be implied like in speech. It must be stated in text

 

you say you plan to shape cultural landscapes. You dont talk about that in your whole paper till the end. You need to lace that throughout your paper. It's your ultimate goal (one of them) is it not?   

Edited December 5, 2013 by Moonhart44

[Erpnope]

i would cut the first two paragraphs entirely and begin with "within my work.." and then the last paragraph needs to go through a couple revisions to be less generic